On my way to St. Louis to speak at the Urbana Student Missions conference, I had the opportunity to re-read Jean Vanier’s book, “Finding Peace”. If you haven’t read this little gem – go get it and read it! In its pages I was again inspired, revitalized and focused to continue our bridge-building work as an expression of the peace-making heart of God.
Vanier says, “The world is divided into many thousands of more or less hermetically closed groups. If each group is sure that it is better than others, how can peace ever come? It is difficult to dialogue with others if we cling arrogantly to the idea that we are right or that our power and technology are a sign of our humanity and goodness. Walls and barriers exist between people because of language, but also because of fear – each group fearful of those who are different, fearful of losing its identity. People resist opening up to others. Aren’t we all in one way or another enclosed in a secure group, in our culture, our religion, our family, our network of friends? Family and different types of groups are needed for human growth, but when they become sealed they engender rivalry, conflict, elitism.” (p. 16 emphasis mine)
Last night I heard Oscar Muriu from Kenya speak at Urbana. He spoke about the incarnation and the movements that Christ embodied in this choice to enter our world vulnerably as a newborn child. The movements from pride to humility, from power to powerlessness, from position to poverty (and he had one more which I’m not recalling) are the incarnational postures to which we are called as those who seek to nurture shalom. Here was a passionate African leader challenging 16,000 students to lead the way through vibrant expressions of incarnational mission, to extend grace to the generation before them who made lots of mistakes but who did the best they knew how in obedience and faithfulness to Christ, and to lead by forging a new and radical path that refuses the way of empire, colonialism, power and money. How grateful I was, how hopeful I was to think about partnership and engagement with our African brothers and sisters who embrace and embody such incarnational paradigms.
I continue to have many questions about how to best engage the situation in Uganda. I am keenly aware of our tragic legacy of colonialism and the danger of imposing western culture into their unique context. One of my deepest personal core values is to not be patronizing in my engagement with others – but to extend honour and respect by experiencing mutuality with the expectation that there will always be opportunity to learn even as there is opportunity to offer personal experience. And I am concerned that I not speak into a global situation (of which I would be the first to say I have no first-hand experience) with an unconscious yet arrogant presumption. At the same time, have we not learned some things in the 40 plus years since Stonewall? Are there not some things that can and ought to be offered and shared in both a spirit of humility and the conviction of valuing the image of God and the belovedness of each glbt person?
As I have continued to ponder and pray, I continue to return to this idea that seems to be generating powerful fear behind the Ugandan legislation and broader misconceptions about glbt people. It is this idea that gay people are recruiting “our children”. It seems to me that this is one of the core drivers behind the perpetuation and justification of devaluing the lives of same-sex oriented individuals in not only Uganda, but many parts of the world.
As a mom, I well know, that if you want to see me turn from a meek & mild, gentle & nice woman to a ferocious mama bear in 3 seconds flat – then just threaten my children. The gloves are off, I don’t care who you are – I’ll take you out. If I am honest, I may not take the necessary time to investigate if the threat is real or fabricated – because in that moment all I care about is protecting my babies. And if I don’t have access to reliable information about the perceived threat, then I will likely be incapable of making clear decisions consistent with the universal core value of treating others as I would want to be treated. All of that goes out the window in light of my gut level passion to protect my children.
And it is this kind of fear-inducing, manipulation (often promoted in the name of Christ) to which I feel I must speak. I must speak because this whole notion of widespread recruiting of children by average gay people is not true. And because stirring up fear that turns one human being against another is completely inconsistent with the way of Jesus – who chose incarnation: humility, powerlessness & poverty.
It is a sad reality of human sexuality that older adults seduce the young. This is indisputable. But this is not a gay issue – this is a human issue.
And it is a tragic reality that sexual abuse can cause tremendous woundedness and confusion in victims. But it is not accurate to insinuate that all gay people should be viewed as offenders until proven innocent – anymore than it would be to insinuate that all straight people should be viewed as offenders until proven innocent.
And it is not accurate to insinuate that homosexuality can somehow be “caught”, that it will “spread”, or that extending dignity and respect to our gay neighbours will increase the prevalence of homosexuality among our youth. The question of causation is complex and currently inconclusive. So while there seems to be a unique combination of both nature and nurture factors impacting different people to different degrees, what we do know is that a homosexual orientation is not something chosen or simply adopted. (And really, given the climate in Uganda towards gay people – who in their right mind would choose that?)
The reality of an increase in same-sex sexual experimentation, particularly in our western context, is, in my opinion, an alarming one. In my understanding, it is alarming because it fosters an unhealthy promiscuity for which young people seem to be often oblivious to long-term consequences including the potential of confusion in one's experience of sexual identity. But such experimentation, I would suggest, is far more the result of our own consumeristic, lust-oriented, celebrity-fixated, individualistic culture than it is the fruit of extending fair and just treatment and hospitality to our gay neighbours.
So, as someone in the west who desires to humbly acknowledge that I do not fully understand all the complex cultural realities influencing attitudes about homosexuality in a context like Uganda, I do wish, as a follower of Jesus Christ who in serving gay people has experienced much heart change, to offer such distinctions on these matters as they impact our children.
It may be that you continue, on the basis of Scripture, to hold a theological perspective that homosexual behaviour is inconsistent with God’s guidelines for human sexuality. If you hold such convictions may it be not from fear, misinformation, or prejudice – but from prayerful, humble wrestling with Scripture. But let us, who name the name of Jesus, recognize that such conviction about God-honouring behaviour cannot negate the truth of God’s love for our gay neighbours and our responsibility as his followers to challenge fear-inducing misinformation that would oppress or marginalize.
Vanier: “This passage, this crossing over the barricades that separate cultures and religions, is not a rejection of one’s own faith, tradition, and culture, but rather a fulfillment of them. Faith, religion, and culture find their deepest meaning as they become a way to permit us to be bonded to God, the God of love and compassion, which give us the strength, the courage, and the wisdom to meet others who are different as persons. We can only become peacemakers if we believe that every person – whatever their culture, religion, values, abilities or disabilities – is important and precious to God and if we seek to open our hearts to them. Such encounters between people are deep, wonderful moments that seem to transcend time and space, religion and culture. They bring people together to a place of trust and mutual respect as they listen to one another and their sacred stories, not from the place of their own certitudes and ideologies, but from the place of inner silence. They imply a fundamental equality: no one person is superior to another. As we enter into this relationship together, we are opening our hearts to one another and somehow losing some of the things we want to possess in order to feel superior and to have power. Walls that separate culture, religion, social status, and people start to weaken in this gentle encounter.” (p.40)
Across unique and complex cultural realties, may our shared love for Christ remind us to speak the truth (not generalizations, assumptions, or unsubstantiated threats), cast out fear, and extend dignity and respect to all our neighbours.
Showing posts with label breaking stereotypes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breaking stereotypes. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Of Language, Labels & Identity ..... please pass the Tylenol
It seems to me that when it comes to the language surrounding people who are gay, folks can often talk past each other. The use of language is challenging. Different people can mean different things when they say exactly the same thing. And these different meanings arise from different experiences, cultures, and backgrounds. Not only that, but as a non-same-gender attracted person trying to use language in a helpful, sensitive way, my head spins sometimes when one person says to say it this way to be helpful and then another comes along and says the complete opposite. One person is offended and then another offended by what the first person suggested as an alternative. Is there a way through this linguistic mess so that we can actually hear one another without assumptions, misperceptions, and caricaturizations?
I thought I would take a stab at describing what I’m hearing …. And then invite others to weigh in with their thoughts.
The word gay: When I talk to people who use gay to identify themselves, most say that they consider gay to be descriptive of their experiences of same-gender attraction. It seems that they are not trying to make any additional statement about their beliefs and values, their sexual involvement – or lack thereof, or their political views. Given that this seems to be the common usage, you really can’t assume anything about a person’s life or lifestyle based on their use of the word gay to describe themselves. Some people who are comfortable saying, “I’m gay” hold to a very traditional understanding of Biblical sexual ethics. They may be celibate. They may be living a chaste single life. They may be seeking to be faithful within a heterosexual marriage despite their experience of same-gender attraction. Others, who use gay to describe themselves, may be in a committed same-sex partnership. They may be sexually active outside of a committed partnership. The word gay, in and of itself, actually doesn’t tell us that much about a person other than that they experience the reality of same-gender attraction.
I encounter a different understanding when I am listening to some within conservative Christian circles. To them, the word gay seems to connote a whole package deal. If someone says they’re gay in these circles it may likely be interpreted to mean:
• Sexually active with members of their own gender (and likely promiscuous)
• Lacking in sincere Christian faith
• Capitulated to and part of promoting the ‘gay agenda’ (which seems to often be assumed to mean they are trying to attack Christianity)
• Sees their entire identity as wrapped in gay subculture (which seems to often be assumed to be anti-Christian)
These descriptions are generalizations – and I am sure that many conservative Christians would say they are much more nuanced in their understandings of the word gay than these descriptions. Unfortunately, I run into these sorts of assumptions on a regular enough basis to know that they are still alive and well within church circles. I’ve had people come up to me and tell me that they are offended by my usage of the word gay in a seminar. Others have told me they are still angry that “homosexual people co-opted the word gay from its original meaning” (like that isn’t a regular occurrence with any number of words and their use). Sometimes I encounter those who don’t really want to hear any other explanations of how people who are gay understand and use the term – they want to hold onto their assumptions and offense. When we were filming Justin Lee, Executive Director of the Gay Christian Network, he shared about encountering Christians who told him that if he wasn’t sexually active he shouldn’t call himself gay. To which Justin said, “Why should I not use the word gay just because I don’t fit your stereotype of what a gay person is? Your stereotype needs to change.” Exactly.
When language is descriptive, I think we can find a way forward. When language is used to label, I think we all face feeling boxed in and misunderstood.
Christians, understandably, have concerns about how people identify themselves – especially if they are fellow believers. If a person wants to be known as a follower of Christ, then Scripture has a lot to say about what it means to be a disciple and to accept Christ as not only Saviour but Lord. Submitting to the Lordship of Christ means that we put Christ ahead of everything else – including our sexuality. In this sense, there is a legitimate call to ensure that our primary identity is connected to our relationship with Christ. Note: Our primary identity. That doesn’t mean we don’t use other words to describe parts of ourselves – things that make up our comprehensive sense of who we are.
I am a follower of Christ. I am the Beloved of God.
I am also a wife, a mother, a ministry leader, a daughter of Dutch immigrants, a member of the Christian Reformed denomination, an avid reader, a volleyball player, a home renovation TV show addict, a recovering bulimic, a contemplative, a student, a lover of people, a wanna-be writer, a Facebook wordtwist & tetris junkie…….
My identity is influenced by all these things and more. My identity is fluid – it continues to be impacted by my experiences, the ways I’m growing and still maturing.
I don’t want anyone to make assumptions about my character, my lifestyle, my decisions and choices based simply on the words I used to describe myself and the things that influence my identity. No matter how I describe myself, it will always be incomplete. I don’t want emails giving advice for recovering bulimics or ways to break TV and Facebook addiction……. If my friends want to sit me down and have an intervention that would be one thing – but I don’t want people who barely know me other than through my blog writings to presume they have the answers for my life.
Why would it be any different for the person who identifies as gay – among the many other things that describe who they are?
I don’t think that describing yourself as gay precludes you from embracing a primary identity as the Beloved of God.
There are many Christians who experience same-gender attraction who choose to move beyond gay as a descriptor they use for themselves.
There are many other Christians who experience same-gender attraction and find the use of the descriptor gay to be an expression of honesty and authenticity.
One ought not to make any other presumptions about faith, values, sexual activity, motivations, cultural engagement etc. until you sit down and get to know them, hear their story & heart, and discover through conversation and relationship the answers to those kinds of questions.
But ….. I’m not same-gender attracted. I’m not faced with the choice to identify or not identify with the description gay.
For those of you who are and those of you who do ….. what do you think?
I thought I would take a stab at describing what I’m hearing …. And then invite others to weigh in with their thoughts.
The word gay: When I talk to people who use gay to identify themselves, most say that they consider gay to be descriptive of their experiences of same-gender attraction. It seems that they are not trying to make any additional statement about their beliefs and values, their sexual involvement – or lack thereof, or their political views. Given that this seems to be the common usage, you really can’t assume anything about a person’s life or lifestyle based on their use of the word gay to describe themselves. Some people who are comfortable saying, “I’m gay” hold to a very traditional understanding of Biblical sexual ethics. They may be celibate. They may be living a chaste single life. They may be seeking to be faithful within a heterosexual marriage despite their experience of same-gender attraction. Others, who use gay to describe themselves, may be in a committed same-sex partnership. They may be sexually active outside of a committed partnership. The word gay, in and of itself, actually doesn’t tell us that much about a person other than that they experience the reality of same-gender attraction.
I encounter a different understanding when I am listening to some within conservative Christian circles. To them, the word gay seems to connote a whole package deal. If someone says they’re gay in these circles it may likely be interpreted to mean:
• Sexually active with members of their own gender (and likely promiscuous)
• Lacking in sincere Christian faith
• Capitulated to and part of promoting the ‘gay agenda’ (which seems to often be assumed to mean they are trying to attack Christianity)
• Sees their entire identity as wrapped in gay subculture (which seems to often be assumed to be anti-Christian)
These descriptions are generalizations – and I am sure that many conservative Christians would say they are much more nuanced in their understandings of the word gay than these descriptions. Unfortunately, I run into these sorts of assumptions on a regular enough basis to know that they are still alive and well within church circles. I’ve had people come up to me and tell me that they are offended by my usage of the word gay in a seminar. Others have told me they are still angry that “homosexual people co-opted the word gay from its original meaning” (like that isn’t a regular occurrence with any number of words and their use). Sometimes I encounter those who don’t really want to hear any other explanations of how people who are gay understand and use the term – they want to hold onto their assumptions and offense. When we were filming Justin Lee, Executive Director of the Gay Christian Network, he shared about encountering Christians who told him that if he wasn’t sexually active he shouldn’t call himself gay. To which Justin said, “Why should I not use the word gay just because I don’t fit your stereotype of what a gay person is? Your stereotype needs to change.” Exactly.
When language is descriptive, I think we can find a way forward. When language is used to label, I think we all face feeling boxed in and misunderstood.
Christians, understandably, have concerns about how people identify themselves – especially if they are fellow believers. If a person wants to be known as a follower of Christ, then Scripture has a lot to say about what it means to be a disciple and to accept Christ as not only Saviour but Lord. Submitting to the Lordship of Christ means that we put Christ ahead of everything else – including our sexuality. In this sense, there is a legitimate call to ensure that our primary identity is connected to our relationship with Christ. Note: Our primary identity. That doesn’t mean we don’t use other words to describe parts of ourselves – things that make up our comprehensive sense of who we are.
I am a follower of Christ. I am the Beloved of God.
I am also a wife, a mother, a ministry leader, a daughter of Dutch immigrants, a member of the Christian Reformed denomination, an avid reader, a volleyball player, a home renovation TV show addict, a recovering bulimic, a contemplative, a student, a lover of people, a wanna-be writer, a Facebook wordtwist & tetris junkie…….
My identity is influenced by all these things and more. My identity is fluid – it continues to be impacted by my experiences, the ways I’m growing and still maturing.
I don’t want anyone to make assumptions about my character, my lifestyle, my decisions and choices based simply on the words I used to describe myself and the things that influence my identity. No matter how I describe myself, it will always be incomplete. I don’t want emails giving advice for recovering bulimics or ways to break TV and Facebook addiction……. If my friends want to sit me down and have an intervention that would be one thing – but I don’t want people who barely know me other than through my blog writings to presume they have the answers for my life.
Why would it be any different for the person who identifies as gay – among the many other things that describe who they are?
I don’t think that describing yourself as gay precludes you from embracing a primary identity as the Beloved of God.
There are many Christians who experience same-gender attraction who choose to move beyond gay as a descriptor they use for themselves.
There are many other Christians who experience same-gender attraction and find the use of the descriptor gay to be an expression of honesty and authenticity.
One ought not to make any other presumptions about faith, values, sexual activity, motivations, cultural engagement etc. until you sit down and get to know them, hear their story & heart, and discover through conversation and relationship the answers to those kinds of questions.
But ….. I’m not same-gender attracted. I’m not faced with the choice to identify or not identify with the description gay.
For those of you who are and those of you who do ….. what do you think?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
When You're Told that What God Has Done Is Not Enough by Brian Pengelly
Recently I was asked to speak to a gathering of youth. The group was made up of youth from a variety of churches and denominations, and after I shared my story a number of youth and pastors came to talk with me and express how grateful they were. One woman told about having a gay brother, and how every time she mentioned him the Christians in her church became cold. Another young man came up to me with tears in his eyes, shaking visibly. He could only say “Thank-you! You don’t know how much that needed to be said” before he fled from the room.
In the hour from the end of my talk to when they locked the door, I made myself available to talk to any who wished, as well as left information about where I could be reached by email if others wished to talk more. I went home feeling tired and drained, but pleased with how things had gone.
A week later, the pastor who had asked me to come to speak forwarded an email that had been going around one of the youth groups. It was written by two leaders from that group denouncing me and my teaching. The email was long and written with a great deal of capital letters for extra emphasis. The crux of the letter was this: the authors were furious that I honestly admitted that I was still attracted to the same sex, that my sexual orientation had not changed, and that I had accepted that, in all likelihood, my experience of same-gender attraction would continue to be my reality for the rest of my life.
To these leaders, this honest story of who I was and what I was experiencing was threatening and dangerous. They apologized to their youth for bringing them to hear it. They made it clear to their youth that they did not believe God would allow anyone to continue to be attracted to the same sex if they really wanted to change. To them, what I had shared about what God had done in my life simply wasn’t enough.
The authors then went on to say:
"God did not make us depressed, or suicidal, or full of sickness in our bodies. God did not make homosexuals. We have done it to ourselves. At some point in each of our lives doors open to the demonic, whether by our own decisions or by the devil planting someone in our paths to set a trap. The outcome of each trap is determined by our decisions, or if we are children, our parents decision of how to handle each situation.“
It became clear to me that these youth leaders had bought into a stream of theology often known as Word of Faith theology. They believed that God has promised to heal every area of a believer’s life right now and given them the authority to command that healing into existence. Because of this, my testimony was a great threat to them because God had simply not done enough in my life. Despite the fact that I could testify that I had not been in a relationship with another male since high school, despite the fact that I was able to enjoy a happy marriage to a woman, despite the fact that God had clearly been using me in ministry for over a decade….my testimony was not acceptable because God had not completely taken away my attraction to men.
There are many doctrines which I disagree with and can simply agree to disagree with people about. But I feel the need to speak up against Word of Faith theology because I have seen first hand the damage that it has caused to me and many others. The authors assumed that because I was telling my story and had my experiences, I had never confessed my sin or had prayer ministry to cast out the demons in my life that may have entered because of being abused. In fact they were so bold as to write:
"Had at any time in Brian’s life he cried out to God and taken his authority that he has been given as a believer and told his body "IN JESUS NAME I AM NOT GAY AND GOD DID NOT MAKE ME GAY AND I WILL NOT HAVE HOMOSEXUAL TENANDANCIES ANYMORE", and then taken his mind captive when ever those thoughts came in, Brian most likely would not struggle with this anymore. Had he at anytime repented of that initial time when he was in the library and he spoke out I am gay, and then asked God to forgive him for all the rest of the times that he has thought thoughts or acted in a homosexual manner, asked God to forgive him for that initial self cursing and THEN had the spirit of sexual perversion cast out of him, Brian most likely would not still struggle with this sin."
The truth is that I once attended a youth group where they taught such things, and believing that they were true, I did go forward to the altar, confess these very sins, and pray that very prayer meaning it with every cell of my body. I believed that God would heal me.....and then he didn't. When it didn't happen I was told it was because I lacked enough faith, or I was doing something wrong. The message I received was that it was my fault. And yet I knew in my heart that I had prayed with all the faith that I had and could do no more. When I said this, I was rejected by that group. I spent years believing that lie, that it was my fault and I just wasn't good enough to make it all go away. As I grew older and studied the Bible I came to realize that this was a false teaching and turned away from it. But that teaching left me in shame and despair for years of my life.
Sadly, I have seen many of my same-gender attracted friends buy into this thinking and go on even longer believing that it is their fault that their orientation hasn’t changed. And I have watched the effects that it has on them. The inevitable result of this kind of belief, when their orientation doesn’t change, is self hatred. Many of those friends fell into depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. When this happened, once again, they were told that those were signs of their own lack of faith, and instead of offering help they were shamed even more. So what most of them learned to do is to simply pretend that everything was okay and that their orientation had changed because that was the only thing that was acceptable. Several of them got married as a way of claiming their healing, and every single one of them are now divorced leaving hurt spouses and children in their wake.
The leaders who criticized me lumped attraction to the same sex, depression, suicidal thoughts and physical sickness as all being the same. (Something that my gay friends find incredibly insulting.) Yet even if you accept that they are the same, Jesus warned about making assumptions about the causes of people’s physical sickness like the leaders in this letter did. (Read John 9:2-4 or Luke 15:1-5 for examples of this) Further the teaching that children are punished for the sins or spiritual practices of their parents (often called generational curses) is highly problematic. Many Christian teachers have quoted Exodus 20:5 to support this belief, but they tend to fail to take into account that in Jeremiah 31 in the new covenant God promises NOT to do this any more. (Jer 31:28-30)
There has also been a sad legacy within the ex-gay movement of using this kind of teaching to burden parents as being at fault for their children’s sexual orientation. I do not know how many times over the years I heard about generational curses, mixed in with some pop psychology to explain the fact that I was attracted to men. My own story does include significant perceived rejection from my father. But the truth is that causation of sexual orientation is incredibly complex and that there is no good evidence to link it to parental behaviour. In fact, several of my best gay friends had wonderful relationships with their parents. But because of this kind of teaching, I have met with more parents than I can count who blame themselves for their children’s sexual orientation. I have listened to them as they examined every little thing they did or said in their lives wondering where they had spoken curses over their children!
When taken to its worst form, Word of Faith doctrine takes this blaming to the extreme of blaming parents whose children get sick. One of my best friends in the world had her two year old son die suddenly of a brain aneurysm caused by a rare genetic disorder. She was attending a church where many people had bought into this type of thinking and thus when faced with the horror of a dying child, their theology only allowed them to blame the parent. As a result my friend, in a time of great pain and hurt, was told that it was her fault that her son had died, because she had not prayed enough for him.
When I was in high school the teaching of Word of Faith theology held great appeal to me because they promised me a quick and easy solution to what I saw as the problem in my life. But since then I have matured both in my understanding of myself and my understanding of Scripture. While Scripture does tell many stories of healing, there are many other stories where healing does not occur. Paul’s story of the thorn in his flesh in 2 Corinthians is one that has been of great comfort to me. The books of Job and Ecclesiastes both wrestle with the reality of suffering in the world and both settle without formulaic answers only mystery. Job’s prayer “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away blessed be the name of the Lord” is one that I have prayed many times over the years. The Bible is not afraid of a God that does not heal everything on demand. It embraces this mystery, and if our own theology is not big enough to grasp this, then our theology is too small.
I have found a place of peace and acceptance for the reality of my life. I am still attracted to men. Because of my understanding of Scripture I choose not to act on those attractions. I have asked God to take them away, in His grace and goodness he has chosen not to. I am fine with that. I know that the people who wrote the letter against my teaching mean well. They mention in it how God has done miraculous things in their own life, and I am not here to dispute their claims. But taking one’s own experience and universalizing it can cause great harm. I thank God for what he has done in my life, but I do not assume that it will be the same story other same-gender attracted people experience or if they do not get married like I have that they lack an amount of faith that I have. I receive my relationship with my wife as gift.
To those who take offense to my story, I can only say “this is what God has done in my life.” I will respectfully refuse to be judged by you, and I will keep telling my story to as many youth as I can so that they know that if they happen to be attracted to the same sex it IS NOT their fault, and that God is not angry at them or waiting for them to invoke the magic formula to heal them. God loves them and is present with them whether their attractions change or not. Having walked that journey myself I know that young people who are wrestling with the questions of faith and sexuality have enough to deal with already without being told their orientation is their fault or easily changed.
Jesus once admonished the Pharisees for “loading people down with burdens, but not lifting one finger to help lift them.” I believe that Word of Faith teaching does this very thing to those who continue to have same sex attractions. I believe that as Christians we need to stand against this distortion of Scripture. We need to genuinely listen to the stories of our brothers and sisters when they tell us that sincere prayer does not magically take it away, and find ways that we as a Christian community can come around and support them as they seek to walk out lives in a way that honours God. We need a spirit that celebrates what God has done, rather than demand what he has not.
In the hour from the end of my talk to when they locked the door, I made myself available to talk to any who wished, as well as left information about where I could be reached by email if others wished to talk more. I went home feeling tired and drained, but pleased with how things had gone.
A week later, the pastor who had asked me to come to speak forwarded an email that had been going around one of the youth groups. It was written by two leaders from that group denouncing me and my teaching. The email was long and written with a great deal of capital letters for extra emphasis. The crux of the letter was this: the authors were furious that I honestly admitted that I was still attracted to the same sex, that my sexual orientation had not changed, and that I had accepted that, in all likelihood, my experience of same-gender attraction would continue to be my reality for the rest of my life.
To these leaders, this honest story of who I was and what I was experiencing was threatening and dangerous. They apologized to their youth for bringing them to hear it. They made it clear to their youth that they did not believe God would allow anyone to continue to be attracted to the same sex if they really wanted to change. To them, what I had shared about what God had done in my life simply wasn’t enough.
The authors then went on to say:
"God did not make us depressed, or suicidal, or full of sickness in our bodies. God did not make homosexuals. We have done it to ourselves. At some point in each of our lives doors open to the demonic, whether by our own decisions or by the devil planting someone in our paths to set a trap. The outcome of each trap is determined by our decisions, or if we are children, our parents decision of how to handle each situation.“
It became clear to me that these youth leaders had bought into a stream of theology often known as Word of Faith theology. They believed that God has promised to heal every area of a believer’s life right now and given them the authority to command that healing into existence. Because of this, my testimony was a great threat to them because God had simply not done enough in my life. Despite the fact that I could testify that I had not been in a relationship with another male since high school, despite the fact that I was able to enjoy a happy marriage to a woman, despite the fact that God had clearly been using me in ministry for over a decade….my testimony was not acceptable because God had not completely taken away my attraction to men.
There are many doctrines which I disagree with and can simply agree to disagree with people about. But I feel the need to speak up against Word of Faith theology because I have seen first hand the damage that it has caused to me and many others. The authors assumed that because I was telling my story and had my experiences, I had never confessed my sin or had prayer ministry to cast out the demons in my life that may have entered because of being abused. In fact they were so bold as to write:
"Had at any time in Brian’s life he cried out to God and taken his authority that he has been given as a believer and told his body "IN JESUS NAME I AM NOT GAY AND GOD DID NOT MAKE ME GAY AND I WILL NOT HAVE HOMOSEXUAL TENANDANCIES ANYMORE", and then taken his mind captive when ever those thoughts came in, Brian most likely would not struggle with this anymore. Had he at anytime repented of that initial time when he was in the library and he spoke out I am gay, and then asked God to forgive him for all the rest of the times that he has thought thoughts or acted in a homosexual manner, asked God to forgive him for that initial self cursing and THEN had the spirit of sexual perversion cast out of him, Brian most likely would not still struggle with this sin."
The truth is that I once attended a youth group where they taught such things, and believing that they were true, I did go forward to the altar, confess these very sins, and pray that very prayer meaning it with every cell of my body. I believed that God would heal me.....and then he didn't. When it didn't happen I was told it was because I lacked enough faith, or I was doing something wrong. The message I received was that it was my fault. And yet I knew in my heart that I had prayed with all the faith that I had and could do no more. When I said this, I was rejected by that group. I spent years believing that lie, that it was my fault and I just wasn't good enough to make it all go away. As I grew older and studied the Bible I came to realize that this was a false teaching and turned away from it. But that teaching left me in shame and despair for years of my life.
Sadly, I have seen many of my same-gender attracted friends buy into this thinking and go on even longer believing that it is their fault that their orientation hasn’t changed. And I have watched the effects that it has on them. The inevitable result of this kind of belief, when their orientation doesn’t change, is self hatred. Many of those friends fell into depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. When this happened, once again, they were told that those were signs of their own lack of faith, and instead of offering help they were shamed even more. So what most of them learned to do is to simply pretend that everything was okay and that their orientation had changed because that was the only thing that was acceptable. Several of them got married as a way of claiming their healing, and every single one of them are now divorced leaving hurt spouses and children in their wake.
The leaders who criticized me lumped attraction to the same sex, depression, suicidal thoughts and physical sickness as all being the same. (Something that my gay friends find incredibly insulting.) Yet even if you accept that they are the same, Jesus warned about making assumptions about the causes of people’s physical sickness like the leaders in this letter did. (Read John 9:2-4 or Luke 15:1-5 for examples of this) Further the teaching that children are punished for the sins or spiritual practices of their parents (often called generational curses) is highly problematic. Many Christian teachers have quoted Exodus 20:5 to support this belief, but they tend to fail to take into account that in Jeremiah 31 in the new covenant God promises NOT to do this any more. (Jer 31:28-30)
There has also been a sad legacy within the ex-gay movement of using this kind of teaching to burden parents as being at fault for their children’s sexual orientation. I do not know how many times over the years I heard about generational curses, mixed in with some pop psychology to explain the fact that I was attracted to men. My own story does include significant perceived rejection from my father. But the truth is that causation of sexual orientation is incredibly complex and that there is no good evidence to link it to parental behaviour. In fact, several of my best gay friends had wonderful relationships with their parents. But because of this kind of teaching, I have met with more parents than I can count who blame themselves for their children’s sexual orientation. I have listened to them as they examined every little thing they did or said in their lives wondering where they had spoken curses over their children!
When taken to its worst form, Word of Faith doctrine takes this blaming to the extreme of blaming parents whose children get sick. One of my best friends in the world had her two year old son die suddenly of a brain aneurysm caused by a rare genetic disorder. She was attending a church where many people had bought into this type of thinking and thus when faced with the horror of a dying child, their theology only allowed them to blame the parent. As a result my friend, in a time of great pain and hurt, was told that it was her fault that her son had died, because she had not prayed enough for him.
When I was in high school the teaching of Word of Faith theology held great appeal to me because they promised me a quick and easy solution to what I saw as the problem in my life. But since then I have matured both in my understanding of myself and my understanding of Scripture. While Scripture does tell many stories of healing, there are many other stories where healing does not occur. Paul’s story of the thorn in his flesh in 2 Corinthians is one that has been of great comfort to me. The books of Job and Ecclesiastes both wrestle with the reality of suffering in the world and both settle without formulaic answers only mystery. Job’s prayer “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away blessed be the name of the Lord” is one that I have prayed many times over the years. The Bible is not afraid of a God that does not heal everything on demand. It embraces this mystery, and if our own theology is not big enough to grasp this, then our theology is too small.
I have found a place of peace and acceptance for the reality of my life. I am still attracted to men. Because of my understanding of Scripture I choose not to act on those attractions. I have asked God to take them away, in His grace and goodness he has chosen not to. I am fine with that. I know that the people who wrote the letter against my teaching mean well. They mention in it how God has done miraculous things in their own life, and I am not here to dispute their claims. But taking one’s own experience and universalizing it can cause great harm. I thank God for what he has done in my life, but I do not assume that it will be the same story other same-gender attracted people experience or if they do not get married like I have that they lack an amount of faith that I have. I receive my relationship with my wife as gift.
To those who take offense to my story, I can only say “this is what God has done in my life.” I will respectfully refuse to be judged by you, and I will keep telling my story to as many youth as I can so that they know that if they happen to be attracted to the same sex it IS NOT their fault, and that God is not angry at them or waiting for them to invoke the magic formula to heal them. God loves them and is present with them whether their attractions change or not. Having walked that journey myself I know that young people who are wrestling with the questions of faith and sexuality have enough to deal with already without being told their orientation is their fault or easily changed.
Jesus once admonished the Pharisees for “loading people down with burdens, but not lifting one finger to help lift them.” I believe that Word of Faith teaching does this very thing to those who continue to have same sex attractions. I believe that as Christians we need to stand against this distortion of Scripture. We need to genuinely listen to the stories of our brothers and sisters when they tell us that sincere prayer does not magically take it away, and find ways that we as a Christian community can come around and support them as they seek to walk out lives in a way that honours God. We need a spirit that celebrates what God has done, rather than demand what he has not.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Importance of Stories - Part 1 by Brian Pengelly
When I was studying counselling in Seminary I spent many of my classes learning about Cognitive Therapy. This taught me to look for the story or belief that motivated a given behaviour. I learned that often by helping a person change how they interpreted an event, or the story they told about things, great changes in behaviour resulted.
What has been even more fascinating to me is the growing realization that this does not just happen with individuals. Groups of people, whether families, nations, denominations, or corporation, have these stories too. Each cultural grouping has not only its own stories of identity but also tells stories that explain those who are outside their culture and why they are different.
I have found that when interacting with a group of people who are different from me it is very important for me to learn the stories that they tell about themselves. It is also important for me to examine the stories that I tell to explain why they are different from me in light of their stories.
My first glimmering of this idea came when I was still in high school and I went down to Mexico for a summer on a mission trip to build a church. One of the first things that annoyed me about that culture was that nothing ever happened on time! If our team was asked to show up at a church service, we would get there, and almost no one was there. Like many white anglos before me I quickly made up a story to explain this strange behaviour: “Mexicans are lazy and irresponsible.”
But as the summer went on I saw more and more evidence that my story didn’t make sense. I saw many of those in the community getting up at early hours to work jobs, in some cases two jobs, and then come to our worksite and volunteer to work doing hard physical labour long after our team of American teens had packed it in for the day. As a result I was forced to change my story. I felt ashamed that I had jumped to such a judgemental and negative to explain something that I didn’t understand.
What struck me most is that in cultural conflict it seems that both sides are pro something. If I had to sum up my internal conflict that summer, recognizing that this is a huge oversimplification, I would say it was between those who were “pro efficiency” and those who were “pro relationship”. I don’t think anyone would have said they wanted to be known as “anti efficiency” or “anti relationship”.
As I have been living in this strange space trying to bridge the gap between the Christian culture and the gay culture, I have been extremely alarmed by the willingness to jump to tell stories about the other side in contrast to how rarely people are willing to do the work to hear the story of the other side.
If you start with a story like “Gay people are sexually immoral and don’t care about God” or “Christians are narrow minded hateful bigots” then there is almost no way to build a bridge. Christians have often framed their position in debates about homosexuality as being “Pro-Family.” But I have yet to meet anyone who disagrees with them who would describe themselves as “Anti-family”.
I think that a vital step in bridge building is taking the time to listen to the other’s stories, to understand how they think about themselves, and to examine the stories that we have been telling about ourselves and others.
In my next post I will examine some of the stories that I have told about both the Christian community and the gay community over the years, and how listening has changed those stories.
What has been even more fascinating to me is the growing realization that this does not just happen with individuals. Groups of people, whether families, nations, denominations, or corporation, have these stories too. Each cultural grouping has not only its own stories of identity but also tells stories that explain those who are outside their culture and why they are different.
I have found that when interacting with a group of people who are different from me it is very important for me to learn the stories that they tell about themselves. It is also important for me to examine the stories that I tell to explain why they are different from me in light of their stories.
My first glimmering of this idea came when I was still in high school and I went down to Mexico for a summer on a mission trip to build a church. One of the first things that annoyed me about that culture was that nothing ever happened on time! If our team was asked to show up at a church service, we would get there, and almost no one was there. Like many white anglos before me I quickly made up a story to explain this strange behaviour: “Mexicans are lazy and irresponsible.”
But as the summer went on I saw more and more evidence that my story didn’t make sense. I saw many of those in the community getting up at early hours to work jobs, in some cases two jobs, and then come to our worksite and volunteer to work doing hard physical labour long after our team of American teens had packed it in for the day. As a result I was forced to change my story. I felt ashamed that I had jumped to such a judgemental and negative to explain something that I didn’t understand.
What struck me most is that in cultural conflict it seems that both sides are pro something. If I had to sum up my internal conflict that summer, recognizing that this is a huge oversimplification, I would say it was between those who were “pro efficiency” and those who were “pro relationship”. I don’t think anyone would have said they wanted to be known as “anti efficiency” or “anti relationship”.
As I have been living in this strange space trying to bridge the gap between the Christian culture and the gay culture, I have been extremely alarmed by the willingness to jump to tell stories about the other side in contrast to how rarely people are willing to do the work to hear the story of the other side.
If you start with a story like “Gay people are sexually immoral and don’t care about God” or “Christians are narrow minded hateful bigots” then there is almost no way to build a bridge. Christians have often framed their position in debates about homosexuality as being “Pro-Family.” But I have yet to meet anyone who disagrees with them who would describe themselves as “Anti-family”.
I think that a vital step in bridge building is taking the time to listen to the other’s stories, to understand how they think about themselves, and to examine the stories that we have been telling about ourselves and others.
In my next post I will examine some of the stories that I have told about both the Christian community and the gay community over the years, and how listening has changed those stories.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
addressing background baggage....
One really can’t speak about “bridging the gap” between evangelical Christians and gay people without addressing the perceptions and misunderstandings surrounding ex-gay ministries. Now, some would say that we (New Direction) have no business even raising the question, given that we are a para-church organization focused on sexual identity. Some would say that we perpetuate the issues.
It may seem to be splitting hairs, though I would prefer to think of it as simply our attempt to chart our own distinct course forward, but New Direction seeks to move beyond the ex-gay label. The term ex-gay has some baggage to be sure.
Anthony Venn-Brown in this blog post asks 20 questions of ex-gay leaders. In his questions, one gets a sense of some of the complaint / critique against ex-gay leaders / ministries that continues to foster a divide. If you are a Christian with a heart to befriend your gay neighbour you will do well to acquaint yourself with some of this context. It may be behind some of the cynicism that you may encounter. I would submit that there is some learning to be had here – and hope that those who hold a more traditional view of sexual ethics will humble themselves and take the time to listen and digest.
Anthony’s questions do seem to presuppose that an ex-gay leader is male and same-gender attracted and likely now married to a woman. I suppose it is apt then, as New Direction tries to move beyond the ex-gay descriptor and be effective and useful in briding the gap, that as its leader I am not male, not same-gender attracted ….. and not married to a woman :)
Given that this is the case, I simply can’t respond to some of Anthony’s penetrating personal questions. However, I thought I’d take a stab at some of the others.
1. Do you know of anyone who was completely gay (not a bisexual) who has become completely heterosexual?
I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone was completely gay and not bisexual. Likewise, I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone had become completely heterosexual. It seems to me that at some level both realities are personal and subjective. While I have come to know sga people who report very fulfilling marriages with their opposite gender spouse (including their sexual relationship), most that I know personally are also honest and authentic about the reality of a sense of vulnerability in attractions to their own gender. At New Direction we try to foster a space where people can be honest without a sense of shame or of not measuring up. We’re comfortable with the reality that people experience diverse sexual attractions and seek to focus on encouraging people to live consistently with their beliefs and values. We recognize that ex-gay ministries have seemed to be deceptive when they put on a pedestal those who claim to have gone from gay to straight. We recognize that it has seemed the amount of healing has been exaggerated or that when asked direct questions about residual sga, responses have been evasive or misleading. In response, New Direction commits to sharing honest and authentic stories. We caution Christians to not project aspects of one person’s testimony onto every gay person they meet. And we choose to focus on an individual’s faith journey over and above their sexual orientation.
8. Even though it may not have been your experience, do you think it is possible to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship?
We understand that gay people have been often been lumped together and mischaracterized. This has contributed to the divide. I do think it is possible for someone to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship. The breakdown of relationships is sad reality that is common to the human condition. There are promiscuous gay people and there are promiscuous straight people. We don’t find it helpful to speak of the gay lifestyle – because for 100 gay people you may well encounter 100 different lifestyles. We encourage people to get to know each individual personally before making assumptions about their beliefs and values or the manner in which they live their life.
16. When Exodus commenced three decades ago everyone believed that you had to change your sexual orientation in order to be a Christian. Considering that there are now 100,000’s of gay Christians who have come out, live moral lives, have a strong faith and believe that God loves them just as they are, hasn’t your “ex-gay” message become redundant and obsolete?
I don’t believe that a same-gender attracted person must change their orientation to be a Christian and I do believe that God’s love is unconditional for all people. At the same time, there continue to be same-gender attracted people who believe that it is not God’s will for them to express their same-gender attraction in a sexual relationship. It is in support of these men and women that a ministry like New Direction seeks to serve. Part of that support is working to create safe places within the Christian community for them to be honest and authentic about their experiences with sga. Part of that support is helping them work through experiences of shame or fear, past hurts, patterns of addictive behaviour, and building a strong network of healthy, intimate friendships.
19. Considering the majority of “ex-gay” ministries reject the growing scientific evidence that same-sex-orientation happens prenatally through both genetic and hormonal influences, how do you respond to those who are born with gender or genital ambiguities which is obviously biological?
I seek to take a humble approach to the science around causation. We really don’t know all the details about the complex factors that may play a role in predisposing someone to experience same-gender attraction. At this point, the science around prenatal factors is compelling, though inconclusive in pinpointing determination.
I am deeply humbled by the complex realities facing intersexed individuals. My response is rooted in relationship where I seek to listen, love and serve the individual where they’re at. If invited, I would seek to gently explore beliefs, values and the implications of faith in experiencing love and intimacy in relationship. In a similar manner, I am humbled by the realities of individuals navigating transgender issues.
My prayer is that as followers of Jesus have the opportunity to engage in relationship with individuals facing these realities, we will embody the gentle, discernment of the Good Shepherd.
It may seem to be splitting hairs, though I would prefer to think of it as simply our attempt to chart our own distinct course forward, but New Direction seeks to move beyond the ex-gay label. The term ex-gay has some baggage to be sure.
Anthony Venn-Brown in this blog post asks 20 questions of ex-gay leaders. In his questions, one gets a sense of some of the complaint / critique against ex-gay leaders / ministries that continues to foster a divide. If you are a Christian with a heart to befriend your gay neighbour you will do well to acquaint yourself with some of this context. It may be behind some of the cynicism that you may encounter. I would submit that there is some learning to be had here – and hope that those who hold a more traditional view of sexual ethics will humble themselves and take the time to listen and digest.
Anthony’s questions do seem to presuppose that an ex-gay leader is male and same-gender attracted and likely now married to a woman. I suppose it is apt then, as New Direction tries to move beyond the ex-gay descriptor and be effective and useful in briding the gap, that as its leader I am not male, not same-gender attracted ….. and not married to a woman :)
Given that this is the case, I simply can’t respond to some of Anthony’s penetrating personal questions. However, I thought I’d take a stab at some of the others.
1. Do you know of anyone who was completely gay (not a bisexual) who has become completely heterosexual?
I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone was completely gay and not bisexual. Likewise, I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone had become completely heterosexual. It seems to me that at some level both realities are personal and subjective. While I have come to know sga people who report very fulfilling marriages with their opposite gender spouse (including their sexual relationship), most that I know personally are also honest and authentic about the reality of a sense of vulnerability in attractions to their own gender. At New Direction we try to foster a space where people can be honest without a sense of shame or of not measuring up. We’re comfortable with the reality that people experience diverse sexual attractions and seek to focus on encouraging people to live consistently with their beliefs and values. We recognize that ex-gay ministries have seemed to be deceptive when they put on a pedestal those who claim to have gone from gay to straight. We recognize that it has seemed the amount of healing has been exaggerated or that when asked direct questions about residual sga, responses have been evasive or misleading. In response, New Direction commits to sharing honest and authentic stories. We caution Christians to not project aspects of one person’s testimony onto every gay person they meet. And we choose to focus on an individual’s faith journey over and above their sexual orientation.
8. Even though it may not have been your experience, do you think it is possible to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship?
We understand that gay people have been often been lumped together and mischaracterized. This has contributed to the divide. I do think it is possible for someone to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship. The breakdown of relationships is sad reality that is common to the human condition. There are promiscuous gay people and there are promiscuous straight people. We don’t find it helpful to speak of the gay lifestyle – because for 100 gay people you may well encounter 100 different lifestyles. We encourage people to get to know each individual personally before making assumptions about their beliefs and values or the manner in which they live their life.
16. When Exodus commenced three decades ago everyone believed that you had to change your sexual orientation in order to be a Christian. Considering that there are now 100,000’s of gay Christians who have come out, live moral lives, have a strong faith and believe that God loves them just as they are, hasn’t your “ex-gay” message become redundant and obsolete?
I don’t believe that a same-gender attracted person must change their orientation to be a Christian and I do believe that God’s love is unconditional for all people. At the same time, there continue to be same-gender attracted people who believe that it is not God’s will for them to express their same-gender attraction in a sexual relationship. It is in support of these men and women that a ministry like New Direction seeks to serve. Part of that support is working to create safe places within the Christian community for them to be honest and authentic about their experiences with sga. Part of that support is helping them work through experiences of shame or fear, past hurts, patterns of addictive behaviour, and building a strong network of healthy, intimate friendships.
19. Considering the majority of “ex-gay” ministries reject the growing scientific evidence that same-sex-orientation happens prenatally through both genetic and hormonal influences, how do you respond to those who are born with gender or genital ambiguities which is obviously biological?
I seek to take a humble approach to the science around causation. We really don’t know all the details about the complex factors that may play a role in predisposing someone to experience same-gender attraction. At this point, the science around prenatal factors is compelling, though inconclusive in pinpointing determination.
I am deeply humbled by the complex realities facing intersexed individuals. My response is rooted in relationship where I seek to listen, love and serve the individual where they’re at. If invited, I would seek to gently explore beliefs, values and the implications of faith in experiencing love and intimacy in relationship. In a similar manner, I am humbled by the realities of individuals navigating transgender issues.
My prayer is that as followers of Jesus have the opportunity to engage in relationship with individuals facing these realities, we will embody the gentle, discernment of the Good Shepherd.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Reaching Gay Persons for Christ: what to avoid
Timothy Kincaid is a “blogger friend” who I’ve had the privilege of engaging on a couple of different blogs: Warren Throckmorton and ExGayWatch. He regularly writes on Box Turtle Bulletin. Timothy is a gay Christian who I have found to be insightful and respectful. Timothy wrote this piece as a comment on another blog and I hope that it will be helpful to the readers of ‘Bridging the Gap’: p.s. Timothy is American - but I think us Canadians have a few take-aways here too eh?
Regarding the question as to how best reach gay persons for Christ, I’m not sure I have an answer for that question, but I do know some things to avoid if one has any real genuine desire to reach gay people for Christ:
1. Don’t demand the impossible.
Telling gay people that they shouldn’t be gay is probably going to be about as successful a witness tool as telling Asians they shouldn’t be Asian.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in orientation. Or if you think the Bible talks about behavior not identity. Or if you can reference a whole list of folks who have “walked away from homosexuality”. Or even if you believe homosexuality is nothing but an addiction, or sin, or the result of some root cause, or a lack of paternal attention, or a demonic spirit.
If you want to reach gay people, it doesn’t matter what you believe at all.
Gay people generally believe that the direction of their attractions is innate and immutable. To ask them not to be gay is, to their way of thinking, preposterous.
This is not to say that you must give up your religious convictions. But rather that you should allow God to guide others to His will.
Remember, the reason for gay persons to come to Christ is not to become un-gay or even to avoid Hell. The reason for gay persons to come to Christ is to have a relationship with God.
In my opinion the smartest response to orientation is to introduce God’s love and grace and simply say that God wants his children to grow into the life He has for them. And then let God direct them.
And if God leads some gay people to some direction other than the plan YOU have for them, well you can take it up with Him.
2. Don’t coerce conversion.
Jews today still resent the efforts of Christians to convert them in the Spanish Inquisition at the point of a sword. Gays don’t feel much different about current efforts to instill repressive and discriminatory laws. They believe that Christians only want to be kind and loving to Christian people and that they will punish you if you are not.
Let’s talk some truth.
Behind every effort to treat gay people differently in this country is language about Sin and Abomination. Gay people observe Christianity to be a threat to their freedoms and sometimes to their very lives. (Yes, some “Christians” use death language).
You may “love the sinner, hate the sin”. You may think homosexuality is a dangerous lifestyle. You may have pity for the person trapped and not want to enable their destruction. You may think that homosexuality is a cancer that will destroy the culture and the nation. You may think that this is a sin that makes God nauseous and that God will rain judgment on the nation that doesn’t harshly punish such filth.
None of that matters.
At all.
Currently, gay people experience their interaction with Christianity as being full of hatred. And the fault lies entirely with the Church (yeah, it really does).
When you seek to harm the livelihood of someone, when you tax them more, when you take away their children, when you deny their ability to serve their country, when you “would never vote for” them, when you lie about their “lifestyle”, when you make entirely bogus claims about their mortality, when you support discrimination against them in business and housing, when you pass laws to remove their health insurance. When you just treat them with contempt.
These are all things that have been done in the name of Christianity. And they are all experienced as hateful.
If you really genuinely want to reach gays for Christ, you cannot do so in a manner that looks like hatred to the people you are trying to reach. You cannot be coercive.
If you care more about reaching gays for Christ than you do about the culture war, you will give up these efforts. Because you cannot reach gays while simultaneously harming them.
And if the culture is destroyed and the nation crumbles, take it up with God. After all, He didn’t call you to protect nations but to win souls.
Regarding the question as to how best reach gay persons for Christ, I’m not sure I have an answer for that question, but I do know some things to avoid if one has any real genuine desire to reach gay people for Christ:
1. Don’t demand the impossible.
Telling gay people that they shouldn’t be gay is probably going to be about as successful a witness tool as telling Asians they shouldn’t be Asian.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in orientation. Or if you think the Bible talks about behavior not identity. Or if you can reference a whole list of folks who have “walked away from homosexuality”. Or even if you believe homosexuality is nothing but an addiction, or sin, or the result of some root cause, or a lack of paternal attention, or a demonic spirit.
If you want to reach gay people, it doesn’t matter what you believe at all.
Gay people generally believe that the direction of their attractions is innate and immutable. To ask them not to be gay is, to their way of thinking, preposterous.
This is not to say that you must give up your religious convictions. But rather that you should allow God to guide others to His will.
Remember, the reason for gay persons to come to Christ is not to become un-gay or even to avoid Hell. The reason for gay persons to come to Christ is to have a relationship with God.
In my opinion the smartest response to orientation is to introduce God’s love and grace and simply say that God wants his children to grow into the life He has for them. And then let God direct them.
And if God leads some gay people to some direction other than the plan YOU have for them, well you can take it up with Him.
2. Don’t coerce conversion.
Jews today still resent the efforts of Christians to convert them in the Spanish Inquisition at the point of a sword. Gays don’t feel much different about current efforts to instill repressive and discriminatory laws. They believe that Christians only want to be kind and loving to Christian people and that they will punish you if you are not.
Let’s talk some truth.
Behind every effort to treat gay people differently in this country is language about Sin and Abomination. Gay people observe Christianity to be a threat to their freedoms and sometimes to their very lives. (Yes, some “Christians” use death language).
You may “love the sinner, hate the sin”. You may think homosexuality is a dangerous lifestyle. You may have pity for the person trapped and not want to enable their destruction. You may think that homosexuality is a cancer that will destroy the culture and the nation. You may think that this is a sin that makes God nauseous and that God will rain judgment on the nation that doesn’t harshly punish such filth.
None of that matters.
At all.
Currently, gay people experience their interaction with Christianity as being full of hatred. And the fault lies entirely with the Church (yeah, it really does).
When you seek to harm the livelihood of someone, when you tax them more, when you take away their children, when you deny their ability to serve their country, when you “would never vote for” them, when you lie about their “lifestyle”, when you make entirely bogus claims about their mortality, when you support discrimination against them in business and housing, when you pass laws to remove their health insurance. When you just treat them with contempt.
These are all things that have been done in the name of Christianity. And they are all experienced as hateful.
If you really genuinely want to reach gays for Christ, you cannot do so in a manner that looks like hatred to the people you are trying to reach. You cannot be coercive.
If you care more about reaching gays for Christ than you do about the culture war, you will give up these efforts. Because you cannot reach gays while simultaneously harming them.
And if the culture is destroyed and the nation crumbles, take it up with God. After all, He didn’t call you to protect nations but to win souls.
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