Dealing with Conflict

Addressing and resolving conflict is rarely listed as someone’s favourite activity. Most people would put it up there with say, dentist appointments, tax time, or spring cleaning. According to my personality assessments, I am the kind of person that longs for harmony. Picture it: a campfire on the beach, someone strumming their guitar, and the soft strain of voices singing, “Dust in the Wind.” Joking aside, I’m not crazy about conflict. But I also understand and accept that conflict is a normal part of life. In the last couple of months, our team at New Direction and at my church where I’m an elder, have been looking at different conflict resolution styles and process.

An oft-cited text in Matthew 18 reminds us to not try to sweep things under the rug. I particularly like the Message version:

“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love.”

I had a conflict. A brother in Christ had hurt me. And I knew I needed to be honest and say so.

In an article for Charisma found here, Alan Chambers, President of Exodus, had referred to an informal conversation over lunch that he and I had many months earlier. Though he didn’t identify me by name, people who are familiar with this area of ministry would have likely identified me as the unnamed Canadian in the piece. In fact, I received a number of emails from folks who wanted to be sure I’d seen the article because they were concerned for how it reflected on me.

I had a lot of unanswered questions after I read the article and wanted to take some time to pray and reflect before communicating with Alan. Part of me wanted to just “let it go.” But I also knew that if I did not have some resolution about some of my questions it would seriously hinder any potential for future relationship. So, I sent Alan an email about it at the end of March and we had several emails back and forth – trying to work this out as followers of Christ.

At one point, Alan suggested that we do an “interview” of sorts on my blog as an opportunity to clarify some of the issues – and hopefully to model some resolution even in the midst of some disagreement.

So here goes:

WG: Alan, you know that the ‘kiss of death’ in our area of ministry is an accusation of compromise. I felt that the Charisma article implied that your ‘Canadian friend’ had compromised. Why did you publish an article that could easily be connected to me and with a tone that could damage my credibility?

AC: It honestly wasn’t my intent to single you out or to connect this issue to you. Maybe that was naïve of me or worse, just plain ignorant. After the fact, my biggest concern was if such an article would alienate Canadians in general. In hindsight I should have simply left Canada out of it all together. I am really sorry that I didn’t. And, I am sorry that this negatively impacted you especially so closely on the heels of the dissolution of our formal partnership that was amicable.

WG: Conflict is best resolved when the focus is kept on the issues, not personal feelings. The key issue in the article seems to be the appropriateness of covenantal friendships. I felt that the article misrepresented my position on such friendships. Do you really feel that two single people (single for whatever reason), who accept that marriage is not a likely outcome for them, ought not to make a deep friendship commitment to live together long-term, share a household, finances etc. as an experience of God-honouring intimacy and community?

AC: In my mind that isn’t all you seemed to be saying during our conversation on the topic. The couple we were discussing had a commitment ceremony, were same-sex attracted and committing to one another non-sexually for life. I do not believe that the sin of homosexuality is just sexual. I think there is something far more troubling to the Lord when someone chooses an identity—regardless of sexual behavior---that is less than God intends for His creation. Two men or two women pledging their lives to one another in marriage is less than God’s best for them. I’ve been there and my desires were much deeper and values compromised. The best thing I ever did was flee such a situation because it was not healthy or Godly.

As far as two people sharing a home—even owning it together---of course I am not opposed to that. I can think of a dozen or more different scenarios where individuals team up and together do something financially that they couldn’t do a part. Siblings do it. Parents and adult children do it. Friends do it. But, the situation you described isn’t one that I think is healthy or biblically sound.

(Note: In an earlier post, I made some comments to clarify my thoughts on covenantal friendships:

There has been some discussion of late of my support of covenantal friendships. I do not view a covenantal friendship as a sexless marriage. However, in our microwave, throw-away culture, I do appreciate the Biblical value of covenant expressed in friendship. Just because two people covenant to do life together, sharing a deep abiding friendship and commitment to be there for each other – does not make them like spouses. (ie. Abraham and Lot made a covenant.) Whether these two people are same-gender attracted or not, I see this as a viable option for those who are single – for whatever reason. And if such a commitment is made – between two friends or a group of friends - it seems to me to be something the Christian community can celebrate together – for it is an expression of gospel, counter-cultural living, when we say that we are going to serve another through life’s ups and downs. It is an option that might be more rare than common – but I believe it is an option that can be God-glorifying in the right circumstances.

Alan seems to continue to have some misperceptions about my comments. I do not personally know the two women I referred to - I simply knew of their story. I know that one woman is same-gender attracted, I believe the other woman is not same-gender attracted. In our conversation, I referred to these women sharing and celebrating with their community their decision to commit to a long-term friendship covenant. This is not the same as a 'commitment ceremony' which implies more of a marriage relationship. Though the lunch was now nearly a year ago, and I do not remember with precision all of my words during the informal conversation that I never dreamed would become cause for Alan to first question our membership within Exodus, and then later be the focus of one of his published articles, I am saddened that misperceptions continue that are unnecessary and bring confusion to an already complex subject.)

WG: Alan, you and I have known each other for over seven years. There are things we agree on and things we disagree on. What do you think is important for resolving conflict in this kind of situation?

AC: Respect and an ability to agree to disagree. I could have handled that on my end differently than I did.

WG: I think this is a really critical time in the Christian church in relation to our engagement with same-gender attracted people. What do you think are the most important priorities and values in this area of mission and ministry moving forward?

AC: I believe the most important tasks before us are equipping, educating and mobilizing the Body of Christ to embody the model found in Jesus. He was 100% grace and 100% truth. We’ve, historically, gotten the truth part right but failed at giving grace. There are portions of the Body now erring on the side of grace, which in my opinion is just as dangerous as erring on the side of truth, Very few are doing both as Jesus did. We must encourage both!

There is a lot, especially in the USA, of activism in the Christian community where public policy over gay rights is concerned. I believe that the Christian community must be far more vocal about their love for people and put their money there rather than simply coming out to support policy initiatives. I am pro-marriage, but I fall short if that’s all people know of me. Christians must be pro-people and pro-hearts. If we win all of the political battles in the world and we lose people over it then we have lost everything. God’s heart beats, “Souls! Souls! Souls! Souls!” So should ours. As I have stated before, there are people “missing” from the Body and they can be found in the gay community and we would be far better off with them than without. God would rather have a handicapped child than no child at all.

Well folks.... there you have it. Some months after the fact, but an attempt to dialogue through difference, disagreement and conflict, in the Spirit of Christ.

What questions does this raise for you?
Hopefully, Alan will stop by and engage in the comments along the way as well.

Trust Issues

I would be the first to say that I have struggled with trust issues all my life. My mother died when I was 18 months old – and anyone who is at all familiar with Erik Erikson’s stages of development will know that this is the pivotal time when trust develops. My trust mechanisms were significantly disrupted. Add to this a string of painful experiences in my life – most significantly a nearly 10 year relationship with an older woman that was deeply co-dependent and ended with her traumatic rejection of me …. and bingo …. you’ve got some big time trust challenges.

Now the beautiful thing about being in relationship with One who redeems, restores and heals, is that God has done a lot in my life to compensate for the wounds and hurts. As I’ve matured, I’ve learned to discern and have the courage to take risks in the trust department. But after many, many years of working on my “stuff”, I think part of my serenity is accepting that the deficits in my life that impact my ability to trust will likely never be completely 100% erased this side of heaven.

This was poignantly brought home to me again this past week when my husband and I went to see “The Reader” with Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes. In the story, a young boy becomes involved with an older woman. She disappears abruptly from his life without any explanation ….. and as the story unfolds we see a boy become a guarded, distant man – whose marriage crumbles, who takes lovers without emotional involvement, and whose relationship with his daughter is haunted by an inability to deeply connect. I saw myself in this character. In my post-film reflections I had much to be grateful for – a keen sense of “but for the grace of God in my life ……” At the same time, it also gave rise to connecting again with a sense of grief for things that had been taken from me, the hurts I did not seek, nor deserve….. and for the hurts that I have caused by the walls and inaccessibility of places in my heart – even to myself.

I take comfort, of course, in knowing that God isn’t finished with me yet. He is still restoring the broken places in my heart. He hasn’t given up on my marriage. And He continually blesses and restores me as I love my children.

But as both an introvert and a wounded soul, I regularly come face to face with my limitations in staying deeply connected to people beyond my most intimate circle of family and friends. It isn’t that I don’t want to love well. Sometimes I’m just not sure how to do so with so many different people who connect with me. I value relationships so much – but I face my finite supply of emotional energy all too often. And if I’m honest, sometimes I just feel uncertain about navigating all the different boundaries that my very eclectic and diverse assortment of personal connections require.

Navigating these kinds of realities is hard work. It requires the discipline of staying self-aware, growing in discernment, taking risks, forgiving yourself, extending grace to yourself and others.

I’ve seen some of this struggle at work in the aftermath of our decision to leave Exodus. There are many individuals who would point to their past involvement with New Direction as a hurtful, harmful experience. People speak of feeling ‘forced’ to live a lie, to live inauthentically. They share of raw experiences with deep depression and suicidal ideation. These are painful stories to encounter. My heart aches and wants to reach out, build a new relationship, listen well, grieve together, and look to the hope God is holding out for today and the future. I cannot undo the past. I cannot control people’s experience as they engage New Direction – neither past, nor present, nor in the future.

What I can do is commit to do everything I can to be part of creating a generous spaciousness where people can encounter the love of God and really wrestle to own their own beliefs and values and decisions. I can do my best to love well – knowing I will fall short and disappoint people. And I can commit to honesty, transparency and vulnerability.

But the truth is, not everyone wants to go have coffee with me. Not everyone is ready to risk engaging again. And I totally get that. It’s a trust thing. And I get the trust thing.

And the only way the trust thing will cease to be a barrier is through patient, consistent, integrity in living out our commitments to truly be a support and encouragement to gay people in their search for God in a non-patronizing, non-coercive manner.

And even then ….. it takes two to tango.

And I know that sometimes it is just too painful, too scary, and demanding of too much energy to tango.

I know and it is OK.

But know that you are loved. Your pain is grieved and repented for. And Jeremiah 29:11 is prayed over you: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

And if you ever come to the place where you consider having a coffee – the Chai tea is on me.

Grace and peace,
wendy

Charting a Distinct Course Forward

It is with a mixture of emotion that I announce that New Direction Ministries of Canada is charting our own distinct course forward with our decision to not renew our membership with Exodus International.

I came to my role with New Direction seven years ago, naive but willing. Exodus was the first learning environment that offered some direction and guidance to me as I sought to fulfill this unique and challenging post God had called me to. I came to know many deeply devoted disciples of Jesus Christ and came to respect the faith and commitment of many of the leaders within the Exodus network.

My learning did not end, however, with Exodus. As a student of the church, I have deeply valued the network of leaders within Canada who have become trusted colleagues and friends, as well as contacts within some of the expressions of church that are emerging in these turbulent days of change. I find that I am resonating with those asking questions of how to embody the gospel for the common good in a postmodern, post-Christendom, post-enlightenment world.

Increasingly over the last few years I have, as a straight leader, also become very committed to a listening posture and have intentionally benefited from seriously considering the critique of ministries with a legacy like New Direction's. I deeply value the opportunities I have had to listen to those within the gay community and the ex-gay survivor movement. In this process, not only I - but others within our organization - have appreciated the glimpses and chances God has presented us to seek to build bridges.

At the same time, we have become uncomfortable with some of the messages expressed in a variety of ways through the very diverse Exodus network. Some of these messages run counter to the ways that we are seeking to build bridges and be part of the broader missional conversation. I am also mindful that some of the distinct emphasis of New Direction may be troublesome to other Exodus leaders - and I would not want our presence in the network to be a source of tension or disagreement.

Let me be clear, New Direction has not changed its foundational theological position nor its position on sexual ethics. However, the ways in which we express these positions embody a more generous orthodoxy than some Exodus leaders may be comfortable with.

New Direction has been a member ministry of Exodus a very long time. This decision has not come hastily nor been taken lightly. We continue to desire to honour our legacy - even as we willingly critique our past and move with purpose towards our distinct future. As with any family, there is a time to leave the nest and chart one's own course. We believe that time has come.

There may be some who applaud this decision and others who lament it. I actually hope that this announcement comes and goes with little fanfare. New Direction is simply seeking to be faithful to carry out all that we believe God is calling us to. We have been called to relational ministry and been asked to identify with our gay brothers and sisters, to do life with them – and to call the church to join us in that. We have been called to bridge the gap. Please pray that we will be faithful to Christ and to this calling.

And please also join us in praying for Exodus. Pray that they will have the wisdom and discernment to be faithful to live out Christ’s calling in their context, to be of good support to those who are wrestling with sexuality and faith, and to speak helpful words to a church called to be a light to the world.

addressing background baggage....

One really can’t speak about “bridging the gap” between evangelical Christians and gay people without addressing the perceptions and misunderstandings surrounding ex-gay ministries. Now, some would say that we (New Direction) have no business even raising the question, given that we are a para-church organization focused on sexual identity. Some would say that we perpetuate the issues.

It may seem to be splitting hairs, though I would prefer to think of it as simply our attempt to chart our own distinct course forward, but New Direction seeks to move beyond the ex-gay label. The term ex-gay has some baggage to be sure.

Anthony Venn-Brown in this blog post asks 20 questions of ex-gay leaders. In his questions, one gets a sense of some of the complaint / critique against ex-gay leaders / ministries that continues to foster a divide. If you are a Christian with a heart to befriend your gay neighbour you will do well to acquaint yourself with some of this context. It may be behind some of the cynicism that you may encounter. I would submit that there is some learning to be had here – and hope that those who hold a more traditional view of sexual ethics will humble themselves and take the time to listen and digest.

Anthony’s questions do seem to presuppose that an ex-gay leader is male and same-gender attracted and likely now married to a woman. I suppose it is apt then, as New Direction tries to move beyond the ex-gay descriptor and be effective and useful in briding the gap, that as its leader I am not male, not same-gender attracted ….. and not married to a woman :)
Given that this is the case, I simply can’t respond to some of Anthony’s penetrating personal questions. However, I thought I’d take a stab at some of the others.

1. Do you know of anyone who was completely gay (not a bisexual) who has become completely heterosexual?

I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone was completely gay and not bisexual. Likewise, I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone had become completely heterosexual. It seems to me that at some level both realities are personal and subjective. While I have come to know sga people who report very fulfilling marriages with their opposite gender spouse (including their sexual relationship), most that I know personally are also honest and authentic about the reality of a sense of vulnerability in attractions to their own gender. At New Direction we try to foster a space where people can be honest without a sense of shame or of not measuring up. We’re comfortable with the reality that people experience diverse sexual attractions and seek to focus on encouraging people to live consistently with their beliefs and values. We recognize that ex-gay ministries have seemed to be deceptive when they put on a pedestal those who claim to have gone from gay to straight. We recognize that it has seemed the amount of healing has been exaggerated or that when asked direct questions about residual sga, responses have been evasive or misleading. In response, New Direction commits to sharing honest and authentic stories. We caution Christians to not project aspects of one person’s testimony onto every gay person they meet. And we choose to focus on an individual’s faith journey over and above their sexual orientation.

8. Even though it may not have been your experience, do you think it is possible to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship?

We understand that gay people have been often been lumped together and mischaracterized. This has contributed to the divide. I do think it is possible for someone to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship. The breakdown of relationships is sad reality that is common to the human condition. There are promiscuous gay people and there are promiscuous straight people. We don’t find it helpful to speak of the gay lifestyle – because for 100 gay people you may well encounter 100 different lifestyles. We encourage people to get to know each individual personally before making assumptions about their beliefs and values or the manner in which they live their life.

16. When Exodus commenced three decades ago everyone believed that you had to change your sexual orientation in order to be a Christian. Considering that there are now 100,000’s of gay Christians who have come out, live moral lives, have a strong faith and believe that God loves them just as they are, hasn’t your “ex-gay” message become redundant and obsolete?

I don’t believe that a same-gender attracted person must change their orientation to be a Christian and I do believe that God’s love is unconditional for all people. At the same time, there continue to be same-gender attracted people who believe that it is not God’s will for them to express their same-gender attraction in a sexual relationship. It is in support of these men and women that a ministry like New Direction seeks to serve. Part of that support is working to create safe places within the Christian community for them to be honest and authentic about their experiences with sga. Part of that support is helping them work through experiences of shame or fear, past hurts, patterns of addictive behaviour, and building a strong network of healthy, intimate friendships.

19. Considering the majority of “ex-gay” ministries reject the growing scientific evidence that same-sex-orientation happens prenatally through both genetic and hormonal influences, how do you respond to those who are born with gender or genital ambiguities which is obviously biological?

I seek to take a humble approach to the science around causation. We really don’t know all the details about the complex factors that may play a role in predisposing someone to experience same-gender attraction. At this point, the science around prenatal factors is compelling, though inconclusive in pinpointing determination.
I am deeply humbled by the complex realities facing intersexed individuals. My response is rooted in relationship where I seek to listen, love and serve the individual where they’re at. If invited, I would seek to gently explore beliefs, values and the implications of faith in experiencing love and intimacy in relationship. In a similar manner, I am humbled by the realities of individuals navigating transgender issues.
My prayer is that as followers of Jesus have the opportunity to engage in relationship with individuals facing these realities, we will embody the gentle, discernment of the Good Shepherd.