Staying True to Convictions

Below is a letter I wrote in response to an old friend who is committed to living a celibate life. I'm posting an edited version of it because it seems to be a query that I am hearing more and more often...

"I have had conversations with a number of 'side B' same-gender attracted people - those who hold to a conservative understanding of sexual ethics - who have also expressed some frustration / concern with how to interact with 'side A' gay Christians - including the times they find themselves in the same church. This can be a difficult situation - and I can empathize with the different tensions that result.

I think we will increasingly see in the church that homosexuality is viewed as a disputable matter. More and more I think there will be an acceptance of the reality that people of good Christian faith come to different conclusions on this interpretive issue. For myself, I have been stretched a lot in the last number of years. I continue to be influenced and impacted by the Creation account and my sense of God's best intentions for human sexuality. But, like you, I have encountered others who come to different conclusions - and they have a very genuine faith. This disconnect can be anxiety producing and threatening - and this is especially so when it is a personal reality, struggle and journey.

A few things I would offer .....

1. You need to own your convictions. This requires great maturity. You must live your life in alignment with what you really believe to be true - even if you find yourself increasingly faced with others who have made different choices. It is a different situation - but there are some similiarities. I have been married for 14 years. It has often been a very difficult marriage. For a variety of reasons it is often a lonely and painful place - for both of us - despite our best intentions. All around me there are people who are encouraging me to seek a divorce. And I know a lot of divorced Christians who love God, some who have remarried and are very happy in their new marriage. This can cause me to wonder why I should continue to be faithful in my marriage - given some of the hurts that happen. But at the end of the day, I need to make my decision to stay faithful in my marriage based on what my convictions are. And I continue to believe that God will be faithful to us, that he will be sufficient, that suffering is a normal part of the Christian life, that God will help me and provide for me as I stay true to my vows.

2. Be alert to the temptations to bitterness and blaming. This may require great discipline to continue to forgive, release, bless and love others - including the gay couples in your church.

3. Don't be afraid. God is with you. He is leading you. Don't worry about whether you will change your convictions. Don't worry about disappointing God. Don't fear making the wrong decision. When we give energy to worry and fear - the enemy has a foothold. Fear and love are like oil and vinegar. If you spend energy worrying and afraid that you will not be able to maintain a celibate life - you will be distracted from that which will actually strengthen you to stay true to your convictions regardless of what others are doing. What will actually strengthen you in your convictions is to be focused on God's love for you. Instead of being afraid that you will disappoint God if you change your views - focus on the Father's extravagent love for you - no matter what. Even if your views changed, or if you had a same-sex sexual relationship - God the Father loves you. You don't have to be afraid. As you rest in this love, as you refuse to give fear a foothold, you will actually be more free to stay true to your convictions.

4. Be alert to the core temptations common to all humanity. The desert fathers and mothers talked about the 8 bad thoughts as the root of all sin and seperation from God. We often think of them as the 7 deadly sins ..... but I think it is actually more helpful to view them as the 8 temptations. Lust, gluttony, laziness, indifference, pride, greed, envy, anger. I would encourage you to find some helpful and encouraging resources to help you focus on growing in mastery over these temptations. Kathleen Norris has a new book called "Acedia and Me" (acedia is the temptation to 'indifference') .... it is a wonderful read that is practical, encouraging, realistic, and solid. Another very good read is Jean Vanier's "Becoming Human".

5. Stay connected to the people and things that bring you joy.

6. Watch for a rebellious spirit that wants to eradicate suffering. Suffering is a normal part of the Christian life.

7. Nurture a sense of fulfillment in your own spirit from the choices you have made.

8. Watch your own levels of anxiety. Practise good self-care so that anxiety doesn't become a dominating reality.

I share these things, in part, out of my own difficult journey of seeking to remain faithful to what I believe to be true - when many others around me think my staying true is silly or unnecessary or based in fear.
I want my life to be motivated by love - but the reality is that is hard work.

I hope that is somewhat helpful.

It was great to hear from you and I pray that you will experience great shalom in your walk with Christ, your friendships and relationships, in your work and that you will know great joy.

blessings,
wendy

Freedom and Responsibility

Over my years with New Direction I’ve had the opportunity to interact with many different people who experience same-gender attraction. They have landed on many different places on the spectrum of belief, of practice, of expectations. It has been a growing experience for me. I have had to wrestle with what I believe, what I practice and what I expect. I’ve learned that I cannot simply rest on my laurels without vigorous reflection, thought and critique. I’ve been challenged by my same-gender attracted and gay friends as I’ve witnessed their journeys, the ways they have had to wrestle to try to understand their sexuality, their identity, their values and beliefs. Those I respect the most, even if we land in different places, are the ones who weren’t content to be spoon-fed answers – but rather took risks to own for themselves what they believe.

In my interview with Brian Mclaren for this “Bridging the Gap” DVD curriculum, he said, “My experience as a Christian has not been that following Jesus has suddenly made everything obvious. My experience has been that following Jesus has continually called me to repentance. Repentance meaning re-thinking. At any stage in this process, you can cut the cords and say, “I can’t think about this, this is too complex.” The fear of dealing with ambiguity can make us run away, especially when our ambiguity is interpreted by our fellow Christians as compromise. This is one of the ugly things we do to each other. We make our acceptance of each other really conditional on nobody thinking, because if you think, you might change your opinion. And if you change your opinion, you might…. and you belong to a “no-think” club. How can God be pleased with that?”
God created us with a free will – the capacity to choose, the capacity to decide, the capacity to discern. The ‘gift’ of this free will emanated from his love.

I see this in parenting my own children. My kids are young enough to still be forming in their own thinking, faith journeys, ethics and values. As a parent, I have the opportunity to teach them …. But I try to not only teach them what I believe – but teach them the tools for engagement with many diverse experiences and paradigms. If I don’t, if I only provide a rigid system of what I think, what happens when they begin to struggle with something I believe? What happens when something legitimately gets questioned – and they have no system to think for themselves - to own what they believe? I’ve seen too many individuals brought up in good Christian homes, sometimes having been educated in good Christian schools, having attended good Christian churches walk away from faith because the system they were taught didn’t actually prepare them to discern for themselves, to embrace faith for themselves, to process a changing culture. Too many weren’t prepared to face the complex realities of competing ideas, values and beliefs.

This lack of preparedness contributes to individuals being stuck in an immature place – a place that is vulnerable to the controlling presence of fear. Afraid to think. Afraid to differ. Afraid to challenge. Afraid to disappoint.

Such fear limits us in so many ways. I believe such fear limits our experience of the love of the Father. We can feel the Father’s love – but it is tainted by our fear that His love is conditional on us ‘staying the course’. Not that ‘staying the course’ is a bad thing …. But believing in a conditional love from a Father who loves unconditionally, who saves us by grace and by the goodness of His own character, limits us. When the apostle John speaks of perfect love driving out fear …. I think it hits the heart of some of this deep-seated unbelief that God couldn’t really love us that much or love us that freely.

It also limits our ability to love others. Another quote from Jean Vanier: “When religion closes people up in their own particular group, it puts belonging to the group, and its success and growth, above love and vulnerability towards others; it no longer nourishes and opens the heart. When this happens, religion becomes an ideology, that is to say, a series of ideas that we impose on ourselves, as well as on others; it closes us up behind walls. When religion helps us to open our hearts in love and compassion to those who are not of our faith so as to help them to find the source of freedom within their own hearts and to grow in compassion and love of others, then this religion is a source of life”
When it comes to beliefs about sexual identity, it seems that Christians have a particular challenge to move beyond ideology. And…. (and I say this with some trepidation and the intention of a gentle spirit) this is particularly poignant for those for whom same-gender attraction is a personal reality. This is, of course, understandable (and I am limited in my understanding not having the ability to stand in their shoes). It is personal. It is intimate. It is of most significant importance.

In recent weeks, I have encountered same-gender attracted Christians who hold a conservative perspective – who seem to want the rest of the culture to change to reflect their perspectives. Now on one hand, because they believe what they believe to be true – of course they would want others to believe in a similar fashion. But there is also a sense of, “This makes things hard for me. It is threatening to me. I don’t want to be in the minority. I don’t want to be maligned. I don’t want to be pressured.” Again, these things are very understandable….. and yet, maturity in Christ brings us to the place where we, like Jesus, experience rejection, pressure, testing, mocking, ridicule – and it does not threaten us, it does not diminish us, it does not sway us from our firm convictions that we are loved by the Father and that we are choosing to live in a manner that we believe is consistent with His best intentions for us. We have the freedom to own what we believe and then seek to live consistently with that. But with that freedom comes the responsibility to really own that, to not blame anyone else when living that out is hard, and to not somehow expect that everyone should agree with us so that we don’t have to live in a counter-cultural manner.

On the flip side, I encounter gay Christians who seem to expect that anyone who doesn’t share their more gay-affirming perspectives is really just ignorant, not as enlightened as they are, not as fully mature in their understanding of faith, stuck in fear and ideology …. And ironically, they often seem to be just as stuck in their ideology.

The challenge in this divided context is to both embrace the freedom God gives us to discern, believe, and practice a life that we believe is consistent with His will for us AND to step up to the responsibility that freedom demands. This responsibility means that we will honour another’s freedom. This responsibility means that we will move toward a great maturity in not being threatened by another’s liberty.

This is not a simplistic “live and let live” …. This is cross-carrying, self-sacrificing love. And it is hard. It demands a vibrant faith.

A final Vanier thought: “It is not easy to strike a balance between closedness, having a clear identity that fosters growth in certain values and spirituality, and openness to those who do not live with the same values. Being too open can dilute the quality of life and stunt growth to maturity and wisdom; being too closed can stifle. It requires the wisdom, maturity, and inner freedom of community members to help the community find harmony that not only preserves and deepens life and a real sense of belonging but also gives and receives life.”

One more note: I have also been delighted to meet same-gender attracted and gay Christians who embody the kind of generous maturity of which Vanier speaks – and I’ll share some of my experiences in friendship with them in a future post.

addressing background baggage....

One really can’t speak about “bridging the gap” between evangelical Christians and gay people without addressing the perceptions and misunderstandings surrounding ex-gay ministries. Now, some would say that we (New Direction) have no business even raising the question, given that we are a para-church organization focused on sexual identity. Some would say that we perpetuate the issues.

It may seem to be splitting hairs, though I would prefer to think of it as simply our attempt to chart our own distinct course forward, but New Direction seeks to move beyond the ex-gay label. The term ex-gay has some baggage to be sure.

Anthony Venn-Brown in this blog post asks 20 questions of ex-gay leaders. In his questions, one gets a sense of some of the complaint / critique against ex-gay leaders / ministries that continues to foster a divide. If you are a Christian with a heart to befriend your gay neighbour you will do well to acquaint yourself with some of this context. It may be behind some of the cynicism that you may encounter. I would submit that there is some learning to be had here – and hope that those who hold a more traditional view of sexual ethics will humble themselves and take the time to listen and digest.

Anthony’s questions do seem to presuppose that an ex-gay leader is male and same-gender attracted and likely now married to a woman. I suppose it is apt then, as New Direction tries to move beyond the ex-gay descriptor and be effective and useful in briding the gap, that as its leader I am not male, not same-gender attracted ….. and not married to a woman :)
Given that this is the case, I simply can’t respond to some of Anthony’s penetrating personal questions. However, I thought I’d take a stab at some of the others.

1. Do you know of anyone who was completely gay (not a bisexual) who has become completely heterosexual?

I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone was completely gay and not bisexual. Likewise, I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone had become completely heterosexual. It seems to me that at some level both realities are personal and subjective. While I have come to know sga people who report very fulfilling marriages with their opposite gender spouse (including their sexual relationship), most that I know personally are also honest and authentic about the reality of a sense of vulnerability in attractions to their own gender. At New Direction we try to foster a space where people can be honest without a sense of shame or of not measuring up. We’re comfortable with the reality that people experience diverse sexual attractions and seek to focus on encouraging people to live consistently with their beliefs and values. We recognize that ex-gay ministries have seemed to be deceptive when they put on a pedestal those who claim to have gone from gay to straight. We recognize that it has seemed the amount of healing has been exaggerated or that when asked direct questions about residual sga, responses have been evasive or misleading. In response, New Direction commits to sharing honest and authentic stories. We caution Christians to not project aspects of one person’s testimony onto every gay person they meet. And we choose to focus on an individual’s faith journey over and above their sexual orientation.

8. Even though it may not have been your experience, do you think it is possible to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship?

We understand that gay people have been often been lumped together and mischaracterized. This has contributed to the divide. I do think it is possible for someone to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship. The breakdown of relationships is sad reality that is common to the human condition. There are promiscuous gay people and there are promiscuous straight people. We don’t find it helpful to speak of the gay lifestyle – because for 100 gay people you may well encounter 100 different lifestyles. We encourage people to get to know each individual personally before making assumptions about their beliefs and values or the manner in which they live their life.

16. When Exodus commenced three decades ago everyone believed that you had to change your sexual orientation in order to be a Christian. Considering that there are now 100,000’s of gay Christians who have come out, live moral lives, have a strong faith and believe that God loves them just as they are, hasn’t your “ex-gay” message become redundant and obsolete?

I don’t believe that a same-gender attracted person must change their orientation to be a Christian and I do believe that God’s love is unconditional for all people. At the same time, there continue to be same-gender attracted people who believe that it is not God’s will for them to express their same-gender attraction in a sexual relationship. It is in support of these men and women that a ministry like New Direction seeks to serve. Part of that support is working to create safe places within the Christian community for them to be honest and authentic about their experiences with sga. Part of that support is helping them work through experiences of shame or fear, past hurts, patterns of addictive behaviour, and building a strong network of healthy, intimate friendships.

19. Considering the majority of “ex-gay” ministries reject the growing scientific evidence that same-sex-orientation happens prenatally through both genetic and hormonal influences, how do you respond to those who are born with gender or genital ambiguities which is obviously biological?

I seek to take a humble approach to the science around causation. We really don’t know all the details about the complex factors that may play a role in predisposing someone to experience same-gender attraction. At this point, the science around prenatal factors is compelling, though inconclusive in pinpointing determination.
I am deeply humbled by the complex realities facing intersexed individuals. My response is rooted in relationship where I seek to listen, love and serve the individual where they’re at. If invited, I would seek to gently explore beliefs, values and the implications of faith in experiencing love and intimacy in relationship. In a similar manner, I am humbled by the realities of individuals navigating transgender issues.
My prayer is that as followers of Jesus have the opportunity to engage in relationship with individuals facing these realities, we will embody the gentle, discernment of the Good Shepherd.