In the last few weeks, I had the opportunity to deliver the evening message at one of the downtown churches in Toronto. The group I was engaging was a delightful mix of university students, long-time church members, young professionals, empty-nesters and everyone in-between. I spent the first evening laying some basic groundwork – suggesting that any conversation about homosexuality within the church that is divorced from relational engagement with gay people is an adventure in missing the point; and that unless we see gay brothers and sisters in the faith as mutual pilgrims, our efforts at engagement will bear little fruit. The second evening, I attempted to navigate some of the reality of the diversity in perspectives on homosexuality that are present not only in the world, but increasingly obvious in the Christian community ~ with the opening reminder that we are again called to a posture of humility and self-examination as we navigate such complexity. Below is an edited for length copy of what I shared:
The prophet Hosea speaks about sowing the wind and reaping the whirlwind …. This is an apt description for the fractured and broken place the Christian community finds itself in. We have sown hatred, we have sown fear, we have sown enmity against brothers and sisters in Christ, we have sown arrogance divorced from relationship – and we are reaping confusion, alienation, slander, cynicism, and a misrepresentation of Christ to the world by the enmity within the church ….. That’s the truth of it. On both sides of the divide, we have often behaved in ways that did not reflect the character of Christ.
I want to describe what I see as an emerging expression or generation (not designated by age – but rather perhaps by where they position themselves in this time of transition) within the Christian community.
This expression continues to take the bible seriously, and subscribe to the bible as inerrant – but also recognize that while the bible may be inerrant – there are no inerrant interpreters of the bible. All of us see through a glass dimly – none of us has a perfect pipeline to God. In my conversations with gay friends who hold a different perspective than I do, I have come to a place of saying, “I believe these things deeply, they are of significance to me, I have done my homework – have studied, have prayed, have reflected, have listened – but I recognize that I could be wrong – that I don’t have perfect access to absolute truth – and so I want to engage in conversation and relationship with a humility that is willing to really listen to how you have engaged Scripture, to hear your reflections and prayers – and I want to be open to hear how Christ has been leading you. Doesn’t mean my beliefs are up for grabs – but it demonstrates humility over arrogance. I interviewed Bruxy Cavey for our Bridging the Gap project and Bruxy said, “As a theologically conservative Christian myself, the challenge to me is to accept that it’s possible for someone to come to a different theological conclusion based on scripture, and still be a committed follower of Jesus. I’m used to feeling like, I know you’re a real Christ follower when you agree with me about everything, and part of the journey of a conservative Christian is realizing that there are genuine, heartfelt, passionate followers of Jesus, who arrived at different conclusions on some theological issues and some ethical issues rooted in their passion for, and study of scripture. Now there are also some sloppy, lazy, self-serving people who make up their ethics as they go along, to validate how they want to live, and then try to look through scripture to find the proof-text. And how do you know the difference between the two of those? First of all, as a Christian, I want to give people the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise, but also I get to know the difference when I get to know them, when we hang out together, when we do Bible study together.”
Jesus said that you will know a good tree by the fruit that it bears. And as I have built relationships with gay Christians – many who come to different conclusions theologically than I have – I have also come to experience good fruit, the fruit of the Spirit in their lives, I have experienced their love for Christ. I disagree with them, and it is a significant point of disagreement – but given the evidence I see in their lives of their love for Christ, I am not in a place where I am willing to call their faith counterfeit. That is a call that only God, who sees the heart, is able to judge. Doesn’t mean I won’t discern by walking in step with the Spirit when it is time to speak a word in season about how Christ calls us to live our lives – but it does mean I will wait on God’s timing and I will trust that God is big enough and powerful enough to convict them of the sin in their life – just as He is to convict me of the sin in my life.
So I see a generation that takes the bible seriously – but takes a humble posture in the face of the limitations of our interpretive grids. Doesn’t mean they don’t have clear beliefs themselves – but that they are less willing to impose their beliefs on others in whom they see evidence of love for Christ and the fruits of the Spirit.
Another thing I see in this emerging expression is a deep commitment to relationship. This generation is sensitive to not alienate people they feel Christ has invited them to love and be loyal to. They take Jesus’ words in Luke 17:2 very seriously, "Hard trials and temptations are bound to come, but too bad for whoever brings them on! Better to wear a millstone necklace and take a swim in the deep blue sea than give even one of these dear little ones a hard time!”
This emerging expression isn’t wishy-washy on sin – but they tend to shy away from a top ten hit list which singles out certain categories of sin. As God began to deconstruct some of the prideful and arrogant assumptions that I unwittingly held concerning my perspectives about homosexuality, one of the things that I began to see was the disproportionate attention given to homosexuality ….. my sense was, “How many times does Scripture address homosexual behaviour?” Six times – and it is fair to say that a number of those may well be referring to homosexual behaviour as it was practiced in the context of either idolatry or violence. How many times does Scripture refer to pride and arrogance? 900 times according to Biblegateway.com ….
And so this generation isn’t necessarily “soft on gays” as often accused …. But they are challenged and convicted by the pervasive sin of consumerism that perpetrates profound injustice that seems to often be conveniently overlooked by a rich and self-absorbed western church. They chafe at the sense of injustice that would keep gay and lesbian people at arms length while there seems to be a smug indifference to Jesus’ words to the rich young ruler, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." This generation has grown weary of the seemingly endless splinter picking of gay and lesbian neighbours while obvious planks seem to go unaddressed.
This emerging expression counts a robust conversation that seeks to honour Christ, while honouring and respecting one another – even through disagreement – as valuable and are not quick to trade an unengaged certainty for the opportunity to explore questions of faith with someone holding a diverse perspective.
My friend Ron is a celibate gay Christian. He holds a very conservative view of sexuality. This is how he describes his engagement with those with whom he disagrees:
It can, at times, be very difficult to deal with Christians with whom I disagree. Especially if we’re having a conversation about the disagreement, and they’re explaining why they think they have interpreted the Bible correctly, and I just want to pull my hair out and say, “you can’t believe that”, but I also have to step back and ask myself, how am I showing Christ’s love in this situation, and am I being Christ, or am I being a pharasee. I wrestle a lot in reading the New Testament, Christ sometimes does speak very harshly to sin, but Christ is also known for his dinner parties with the sinners, and I wrestle deeply, “is this a time to speak strongly, is this a time to sit down and have dinner together”. And I do sometimes speak out to friends when I know that there’s a depth of trust there. That whether or not they agree with me, they can at least hear what I have to say, but I also know that I have to be careful not to fall into the self-righteousness of thinking that I have all the answers. Through my gay friends, there are things that I disagree greatly with, but there are also ways in which they challenge me, and I can see that they are giving their life to Christ more deeply in some area then I am. In entering into friendships, I open myself to the way they may need to challenge me, but also try to share my own experience, my own understanding of what the Bible says to gently challenge them and to let the spirit work in that situation, in the hope that we will draw closer together and that Christ will show us what is true, and how he wants us to live together in unity. In the meantime, we have all of these divisions, and it’s painful to God, it’s a deep scandal to our witness, it causes non-Christians to wonder, “How can a God of love be operating in the midst of all that disagreement?” And so I want is to do what I can to bind up those wounds. To be willing to be challenged by the people I disagree with. And in being willing to be challenged, also earn the right to challenge.
This emerging expression is less concerned with determining who is excluded and more focused on being part of the most generous invitation to all to come and discover the Love of the Father, Jesus the Son, made real through the presence of the Holy Spirit.
Our text reflects on one of Jesus’ core teachings – that we are to love those we may have perceived to be against us, and that "When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. ….In a word, what I'm saying is, “Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." (Matt. 5:44-48, the Message)
If we live out the words of this text, in the midst of our disagreements – which are many – and in the midst of some of our unanswered questions about how the church can best reach and disciple our gay brothers and sisters – then I believe we will have the tools to move forward in a wise way, able in humility to continue to practice the unity to which Christ called us to in John 17, “I pray…. that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.”
Monday, February 2, 2009
Charting a Distinct Course Forward
It is with a mixture of emotion that I announce that New Direction Ministries of Canada is charting our own distinct course forward with our decision to not renew our membership with Exodus International.
I came to my role with New Direction seven years ago, naive but willing. Exodus was the first learning environment that offered some direction and guidance to me as I sought to fulfill this unique and challenging post God had called me to. I came to know many deeply devoted disciples of Jesus Christ and came to respect the faith and commitment of many of the leaders within the Exodus network.
My learning did not end, however, with Exodus. As a student of the church, I have deeply valued the network of leaders within Canada who have become trusted colleagues and friends, as well as contacts within some of the expressions of church that are emerging in these turbulent days of change. I find that I am resonating with those asking questions of how to embody the gospel for the common good in a postmodern, post-Christendom, post-enlightenment world.
Increasingly over the last few years I have, as a straight leader, also become very committed to a listening posture and have intentionally benefited from seriously considering the critique of ministries with a legacy like New Direction's. I deeply value the opportunities I have had to listen to those within the gay community and the ex-gay survivor movement. In this process, not only I - but others within our organization - have appreciated the glimpses and chances God has presented us to seek to build bridges.
At the same time, we have become uncomfortable with some of the messages expressed in a variety of ways through the very diverse Exodus network. Some of these messages run counter to the ways that we are seeking to build bridges and be part of the broader missional conversation. I am also mindful that some of the distinct emphasis of New Direction may be troublesome to other Exodus leaders - and I would not want our presence in the network to be a source of tension or disagreement.
Let me be clear, New Direction has not changed its foundational theological position nor its position on sexual ethics. However, the ways in which we express these positions embody a more generous orthodoxy than some Exodus leaders may be comfortable with.
New Direction has been a member ministry of Exodus a very long time. This decision has not come hastily nor been taken lightly. We continue to desire to honour our legacy - even as we willingly critique our past and move with purpose towards our distinct future. As with any family, there is a time to leave the nest and chart one's own course. We believe that time has come.
There may be some who applaud this decision and others who lament it. I actually hope that this announcement comes and goes with little fanfare. New Direction is simply seeking to be faithful to carry out all that we believe God is calling us to. We have been called to relational ministry and been asked to identify with our gay brothers and sisters, to do life with them – and to call the church to join us in that. We have been called to bridge the gap. Please pray that we will be faithful to Christ and to this calling.
And please also join us in praying for Exodus. Pray that they will have the wisdom and discernment to be faithful to live out Christ’s calling in their context, to be of good support to those who are wrestling with sexuality and faith, and to speak helpful words to a church called to be a light to the world.
I came to my role with New Direction seven years ago, naive but willing. Exodus was the first learning environment that offered some direction and guidance to me as I sought to fulfill this unique and challenging post God had called me to. I came to know many deeply devoted disciples of Jesus Christ and came to respect the faith and commitment of many of the leaders within the Exodus network.
My learning did not end, however, with Exodus. As a student of the church, I have deeply valued the network of leaders within Canada who have become trusted colleagues and friends, as well as contacts within some of the expressions of church that are emerging in these turbulent days of change. I find that I am resonating with those asking questions of how to embody the gospel for the common good in a postmodern, post-Christendom, post-enlightenment world.
Increasingly over the last few years I have, as a straight leader, also become very committed to a listening posture and have intentionally benefited from seriously considering the critique of ministries with a legacy like New Direction's. I deeply value the opportunities I have had to listen to those within the gay community and the ex-gay survivor movement. In this process, not only I - but others within our organization - have appreciated the glimpses and chances God has presented us to seek to build bridges.
At the same time, we have become uncomfortable with some of the messages expressed in a variety of ways through the very diverse Exodus network. Some of these messages run counter to the ways that we are seeking to build bridges and be part of the broader missional conversation. I am also mindful that some of the distinct emphasis of New Direction may be troublesome to other Exodus leaders - and I would not want our presence in the network to be a source of tension or disagreement.
Let me be clear, New Direction has not changed its foundational theological position nor its position on sexual ethics. However, the ways in which we express these positions embody a more generous orthodoxy than some Exodus leaders may be comfortable with.
New Direction has been a member ministry of Exodus a very long time. This decision has not come hastily nor been taken lightly. We continue to desire to honour our legacy - even as we willingly critique our past and move with purpose towards our distinct future. As with any family, there is a time to leave the nest and chart one's own course. We believe that time has come.
There may be some who applaud this decision and others who lament it. I actually hope that this announcement comes and goes with little fanfare. New Direction is simply seeking to be faithful to carry out all that we believe God is calling us to. We have been called to relational ministry and been asked to identify with our gay brothers and sisters, to do life with them – and to call the church to join us in that. We have been called to bridge the gap. Please pray that we will be faithful to Christ and to this calling.
And please also join us in praying for Exodus. Pray that they will have the wisdom and discernment to be faithful to live out Christ’s calling in their context, to be of good support to those who are wrestling with sexuality and faith, and to speak helpful words to a church called to be a light to the world.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Of kidney stones, final edits, current events, and authenticity…..
So January has basically been a write-off for blogging …. It has been an unexpected month of navigating unpredictable pain levels with a stubborn cluster of kidney stones that apparently cannot be zapped and simply need to be endured until “this too shall pass”. I’ve heard enough rock and stone jokes to last me till retirement and God and I have had more than several conversations about what the possible purpose of such a disruption of pain could be….
In the midst of varying pain levels it has been a month of deadlines, new opportunities, and feeling behind the 8-ball on cultural commentary.
The Bridging the Gap project is at the intense stage of completing final edits and graphics to release the pilot version. In fact, we’ve already run two segments with one pilot group and will be getting packages out to the other ten groups hopefully Monday. It is amazing to me how you can work on a project for more than a year ….. and then in 2 hours see this experience be dramatically impacted by the make up of the group who are engaging with it. I’m grateful for the opportunity to observe one pilot group in action …. though at times it’s been tough to keep my commitment to myself to not interject with my own commentary when the discussion sometimes veers into what I perceive to be unhelpful territory. I think I have permanent bite marks on my tongue :)
In the midst of kidney stone madness, I also had a number of commitments for speaking engagements. (Many thanks to all who were praying for me to have the physical ability to get through them.) I was working with some new teaching material that is focused on navigating turbulent times of transition and change within the Christian church and the implications for how we work through our disagreements about gay issues. I’ll share more of that in another blog post. In the midst of it, I have found myself staring uncertainty and anxiety straight in the face. This is the reality of seeking to build bridges in a contentious climate.
What has been so interesting is to simultaneously encounter Ted Haggard’s re-emergence on the media scene and the polarization such a sensationalized story can generate. As I read through some of the commentary on the HBO documentary (which I haven’t actually seen – no HBO for me), Ted’s appearances on Oprah and Larry King, and new revelations from another young man who was involved with Haggard, I am reminded of the turmoil the divide between evangelicals and the gay community creates.
There are those who continue to espouse a simplistic, and in some cases overtly legalistic, stance. Then there are those who are clearly wrestling with how to embody the love of Christ in such a complex case. Ted, it seems, continues to wrestle deeply himself. It seems to me that he is very committed to trying to articulate a message about Jesus Christ, while at the same time struggling to express authentically the realities he has spent the last two years trying to face and own. These realities are profoundly painful and difficult: He lied. His hypocrisy has had devastating consequences in compromising his desire to share the gospel of Christ. He has betrayed and wounded the people he loves the most. These are the tragic realities he has to wake up and face every day.
But he also needs to figure out for himself, without the drugs and the compulsive and addictive behaviours, what the meaning and reality of his attractions are. There are those who insistently badger him with what label he ought now to adopt. Gay. Straight. Bi-sexual. But with this insistence comes a lack of understanding of the tension a follow of Jesus faces. This tension arises from one’s desire for fidelity to Christ.
It would seem that Haggard associates a number of other descriptions to the word gay other than the common cultural understanding that the term gay simply describes someone who experiences same-gender attraction. It seems that he is sensitive to the common evangelical assumption that to say you are gay assumes that you are sexually active with members of your own gender. Clearly, in fidelity to Christ AND to his wife, he does not want to say that. But it seems to leave him in a no-man’s land of struggling for authenticity – and being unsure of how to express that - with the knowledge that evangelicals are watching him carefully. Personally, I believe it is unfortunate that stereotypes about gay people continue to afflict the common evangelical understanding – leaving those who are persistently attracted to their own gender with very few options to express that honestly without a whole lot of extra baggage.
Assumptions. Fear. Anxiety. Outrage. Can we even imagine a day when these are no longer the primary responses of the evangelical community to the real life of a person addressing persistent same-gender attraction and deep and personal questions of faith and fidelity to Christ?
It is such redemptive imagination that motivates the Bridging the Gap project. We believe there needs to be a generous and spacious place for someone like Ted Haggard to own up to his mistakes in the past, to wrestle through the implications of his faith for his future, and to express authentically his reality without fear of layers of assumption and judgment being piled on top.
I, for one, want to see Ted Haggard have every encouragement and support to live out his clear convictions, to walk in renewed fidelity to Christ and to his marriage vows, to know God’s grace in his weakness, to love well, and walk humbly with his God. And I pray that he will find the safety and language needed to do so with authenticity and transparency with his close family and friends.
In the midst of varying pain levels it has been a month of deadlines, new opportunities, and feeling behind the 8-ball on cultural commentary.
The Bridging the Gap project is at the intense stage of completing final edits and graphics to release the pilot version. In fact, we’ve already run two segments with one pilot group and will be getting packages out to the other ten groups hopefully Monday. It is amazing to me how you can work on a project for more than a year ….. and then in 2 hours see this experience be dramatically impacted by the make up of the group who are engaging with it. I’m grateful for the opportunity to observe one pilot group in action …. though at times it’s been tough to keep my commitment to myself to not interject with my own commentary when the discussion sometimes veers into what I perceive to be unhelpful territory. I think I have permanent bite marks on my tongue :)
In the midst of kidney stone madness, I also had a number of commitments for speaking engagements. (Many thanks to all who were praying for me to have the physical ability to get through them.) I was working with some new teaching material that is focused on navigating turbulent times of transition and change within the Christian church and the implications for how we work through our disagreements about gay issues. I’ll share more of that in another blog post. In the midst of it, I have found myself staring uncertainty and anxiety straight in the face. This is the reality of seeking to build bridges in a contentious climate.
What has been so interesting is to simultaneously encounter Ted Haggard’s re-emergence on the media scene and the polarization such a sensationalized story can generate. As I read through some of the commentary on the HBO documentary (which I haven’t actually seen – no HBO for me), Ted’s appearances on Oprah and Larry King, and new revelations from another young man who was involved with Haggard, I am reminded of the turmoil the divide between evangelicals and the gay community creates.
There are those who continue to espouse a simplistic, and in some cases overtly legalistic, stance. Then there are those who are clearly wrestling with how to embody the love of Christ in such a complex case. Ted, it seems, continues to wrestle deeply himself. It seems to me that he is very committed to trying to articulate a message about Jesus Christ, while at the same time struggling to express authentically the realities he has spent the last two years trying to face and own. These realities are profoundly painful and difficult: He lied. His hypocrisy has had devastating consequences in compromising his desire to share the gospel of Christ. He has betrayed and wounded the people he loves the most. These are the tragic realities he has to wake up and face every day.
But he also needs to figure out for himself, without the drugs and the compulsive and addictive behaviours, what the meaning and reality of his attractions are. There are those who insistently badger him with what label he ought now to adopt. Gay. Straight. Bi-sexual. But with this insistence comes a lack of understanding of the tension a follow of Jesus faces. This tension arises from one’s desire for fidelity to Christ.
It would seem that Haggard associates a number of other descriptions to the word gay other than the common cultural understanding that the term gay simply describes someone who experiences same-gender attraction. It seems that he is sensitive to the common evangelical assumption that to say you are gay assumes that you are sexually active with members of your own gender. Clearly, in fidelity to Christ AND to his wife, he does not want to say that. But it seems to leave him in a no-man’s land of struggling for authenticity – and being unsure of how to express that - with the knowledge that evangelicals are watching him carefully. Personally, I believe it is unfortunate that stereotypes about gay people continue to afflict the common evangelical understanding – leaving those who are persistently attracted to their own gender with very few options to express that honestly without a whole lot of extra baggage.
Assumptions. Fear. Anxiety. Outrage. Can we even imagine a day when these are no longer the primary responses of the evangelical community to the real life of a person addressing persistent same-gender attraction and deep and personal questions of faith and fidelity to Christ?
It is such redemptive imagination that motivates the Bridging the Gap project. We believe there needs to be a generous and spacious place for someone like Ted Haggard to own up to his mistakes in the past, to wrestle through the implications of his faith for his future, and to express authentically his reality without fear of layers of assumption and judgment being piled on top.
I, for one, want to see Ted Haggard have every encouragement and support to live out his clear convictions, to walk in renewed fidelity to Christ and to his marriage vows, to know God’s grace in his weakness, to love well, and walk humbly with his God. And I pray that he will find the safety and language needed to do so with authenticity and transparency with his close family and friends.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Introducing the BTG Trailer!
The BTG project is a 4 part DVD-documentary style resource for small groups within the Christian community. The purpose is to spark catalytic conversations about bridging the gap between the gay community and Christian community.
We are in the final round of edits for the film portion and the discussion guide. And we are in the process of confirming our pilot groups.
If you have been following this blog and would like to be considered to run a pilot group these are requirements:
(trailer updated to new version)
We’d appreciate you helping us spread the word as we approach our March 2009 launch! Pass this trailer along to friends. And …. do let us know what you think!!
We are in the final round of edits for the film portion and the discussion guide. And we are in the process of confirming our pilot groups.
If you have been following this blog and would like to be considered to run a pilot group these are requirements:
- gather a small group of a minimum of 5 people together to go through the 4 part experience
- be willing and able to complete this experience by mid-February 2009
- complete a thorough evaluation of the project including any helpful feedback to improve the experience
And now ….. drumroll please ….. introducing the BTG trailer:
(trailer updated to new version)
We’d appreciate you helping us spread the word as we approach our March 2009 launch! Pass this trailer along to friends. And …. do let us know what you think!!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Bridge-Building & Vulnerability by Brian Pengelly
I rarely get nervous about public speaking. Since I was young I have been a natural at being on stage in front of people. Even talking about something as personal as my own sexuality is usually fine with me since I have been doing it for years now. But the opportunity of speaking at the Canadian Youth Workers Convention was a truly nerve wracking experience.
Part of my nerves came from the fact that I only had eighteen minutes in which to talk. Fitting the complexities of my story into an hour is daunting at times, eighteen minutes seemed impossible. I worried that I would have just enough time to offend everyone there, and not enough time to have people grapple with the nuances of my position. It’s one thing to tell people that you are a “gay, conservative evangelical, youth pastor married to a bi-sexual woman” it’s an entirely different thing for people to grasp what that actually means to me.
My friends were all very encouraging to me. “Be yourself!” they said. But that was the real scary part. What if I was myself, and people didn’t like me? Being yourself is a pretty vulnerable thing. It gives people a power over you - a power to hurt you. When you don’t care about others then you can handle rejection much better. But I did care about the people at this convention. They were people like me: youth workers who put up with bad pay and ridiculous demands because they love teens and love Jesus. And I knew that in that audience over two dozen denominations were being represented, from the very liberal to the very conservative. I knew that there would be youth pastors there who struggle with their same sex attractions, and pastors who were openly and comfortably gay.
Whatever I said I wanted more than anything for each of those pastors to go home feeling safe and respected. So I made myself very vulnerable as I spoke. In listening to the recording of it I can hear the tremble in my voice as I shared my own journey and many of the places where I was deeply hurt growing up when I shared about my sexuality.
Then I called for all the people there, wherever they are on the theological perspective, to agree to a few things. First, that no youth should have to fear for their safety the way I did because they are working through these questions (whichever way they eventually go). Secondly, that as we disagree with each other theologically we remember that the worst thing we could say about each other is that we are enemies. Yet Christ called us to love our enemies. So it is imperative that we treat each other with dignity, respect and love. And finally, to remember humility - because Christian history is full of examples of Christians boldly proclaiming what they believed to be the truth with the generations after them discovering that they were wrong.
When I finished speaking I was overwhelmed by the positive response from the audience. I received a standing ovation, which is certainly not something I have received often, and unheard of in my experiences attending this conference. Afterwards many people came to talk to me, and the thing that they said over and over was that it was my vulnerability that had really challenged them to rethink things.
I received an email later on that week from someone in the audience, a youth pastor like myself with a theologically conservative position, but who cared deeply for several gay friends, one of whom was another pastor at the conference. He wrote:
“I have to admit I was scared to death when you were giving your talk. I was scared for my friend that she was going to get hurt again, that she would leave defeated and angry. She get's enough crap from our people and it would just be so frustrating to see her get kicked again. Then when you were speaking I was scared for you. I've been around the youth work block a few times, I know what the guys especially are like, and I though, oh geez, don't show too much, don't let them get too much. Turns out I was blindingly wrong on both counts. Your piercing vulnerability broke down those walls and prejudices and rhetoric. How can you look at a living, breathing vulnerable person and still spit in their face. I know people still do, but it's way harder! So thank you. You have been a bridge, you are a bridge, and while everyone coming up and telling you how great and brave you are is overwhelming and nice in the moment, at some point you will have to wade back in to the struggle of regular life as we all do, and I hope that you know that you gave me hope in a totally different way.”
On reflection, I see that bridge building is an inherently vulnerable thing. You are putting yourself in the middle, and that means you often get caught in the cross fire. It is much easier to pick your side, hunker down in your theological trench and not care about those on the other side. But when we risk being vulnerable, to actually take the time to know and care about others, though we risk rejection, it is in that vulnerability that God’s grace shows up and does miraculous things.
The miracle in this situation is that the friend, who had publicly stated earlier her displeasure with me being there as a speaker, came and apologized to me. “I walked by your booth all through this conference and kept my distance, and then here you were and you honoured me with your talk. I am sorry.” It took vulnerability for her to come and hear me speak. It took humility for her to come and apologize. But that evening I stayed up late into the evening talking with her and her wife, sharing stories, laughing and getting to know each other. Our theologies are still different, but the distrust between us is replaced with friendship and a desire to know and understand each other better.
Choosing to care, and to make yourself vulnerable is a scary thing at times, but when we do it, we walk in the footsteps of a Saviour who was not content to leave us as enemies, but instead chose to make himself vulnerable, even to death on a cross. The conference weekend was an example of what the Spirit does when we are willing to step out. Some days I get tired of constantly putting myself out there, and the backlash that happens when I do. But weekends like that remind me why I do it, and give me the courage to go on.
Part of my nerves came from the fact that I only had eighteen minutes in which to talk. Fitting the complexities of my story into an hour is daunting at times, eighteen minutes seemed impossible. I worried that I would have just enough time to offend everyone there, and not enough time to have people grapple with the nuances of my position. It’s one thing to tell people that you are a “gay, conservative evangelical, youth pastor married to a bi-sexual woman” it’s an entirely different thing for people to grasp what that actually means to me.
My friends were all very encouraging to me. “Be yourself!” they said. But that was the real scary part. What if I was myself, and people didn’t like me? Being yourself is a pretty vulnerable thing. It gives people a power over you - a power to hurt you. When you don’t care about others then you can handle rejection much better. But I did care about the people at this convention. They were people like me: youth workers who put up with bad pay and ridiculous demands because they love teens and love Jesus. And I knew that in that audience over two dozen denominations were being represented, from the very liberal to the very conservative. I knew that there would be youth pastors there who struggle with their same sex attractions, and pastors who were openly and comfortably gay.
Whatever I said I wanted more than anything for each of those pastors to go home feeling safe and respected. So I made myself very vulnerable as I spoke. In listening to the recording of it I can hear the tremble in my voice as I shared my own journey and many of the places where I was deeply hurt growing up when I shared about my sexuality.
Then I called for all the people there, wherever they are on the theological perspective, to agree to a few things. First, that no youth should have to fear for their safety the way I did because they are working through these questions (whichever way they eventually go). Secondly, that as we disagree with each other theologically we remember that the worst thing we could say about each other is that we are enemies. Yet Christ called us to love our enemies. So it is imperative that we treat each other with dignity, respect and love. And finally, to remember humility - because Christian history is full of examples of Christians boldly proclaiming what they believed to be the truth with the generations after them discovering that they were wrong.
When I finished speaking I was overwhelmed by the positive response from the audience. I received a standing ovation, which is certainly not something I have received often, and unheard of in my experiences attending this conference. Afterwards many people came to talk to me, and the thing that they said over and over was that it was my vulnerability that had really challenged them to rethink things.
I received an email later on that week from someone in the audience, a youth pastor like myself with a theologically conservative position, but who cared deeply for several gay friends, one of whom was another pastor at the conference. He wrote:
“I have to admit I was scared to death when you were giving your talk. I was scared for my friend that she was going to get hurt again, that she would leave defeated and angry. She get's enough crap from our people and it would just be so frustrating to see her get kicked again. Then when you were speaking I was scared for you. I've been around the youth work block a few times, I know what the guys especially are like, and I though, oh geez, don't show too much, don't let them get too much. Turns out I was blindingly wrong on both counts. Your piercing vulnerability broke down those walls and prejudices and rhetoric. How can you look at a living, breathing vulnerable person and still spit in their face. I know people still do, but it's way harder! So thank you. You have been a bridge, you are a bridge, and while everyone coming up and telling you how great and brave you are is overwhelming and nice in the moment, at some point you will have to wade back in to the struggle of regular life as we all do, and I hope that you know that you gave me hope in a totally different way.”
On reflection, I see that bridge building is an inherently vulnerable thing. You are putting yourself in the middle, and that means you often get caught in the cross fire. It is much easier to pick your side, hunker down in your theological trench and not care about those on the other side. But when we risk being vulnerable, to actually take the time to know and care about others, though we risk rejection, it is in that vulnerability that God’s grace shows up and does miraculous things.
The miracle in this situation is that the friend, who had publicly stated earlier her displeasure with me being there as a speaker, came and apologized to me. “I walked by your booth all through this conference and kept my distance, and then here you were and you honoured me with your talk. I am sorry.” It took vulnerability for her to come and hear me speak. It took humility for her to come and apologize. But that evening I stayed up late into the evening talking with her and her wife, sharing stories, laughing and getting to know each other. Our theologies are still different, but the distrust between us is replaced with friendship and a desire to know and understand each other better.
Choosing to care, and to make yourself vulnerable is a scary thing at times, but when we do it, we walk in the footsteps of a Saviour who was not content to leave us as enemies, but instead chose to make himself vulnerable, even to death on a cross. The conference weekend was an example of what the Spirit does when we are willing to step out. Some days I get tired of constantly putting myself out there, and the backlash that happens when I do. But weekends like that remind me why I do it, and give me the courage to go on.
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