I’ve just watched Dustin Lance Black win the Oscar for best screenplay for the movie Milk. Unfortunately, I haven’t yet been able to see the movie as I rarely have the chance to get to the theatre. In his acceptance speech, Lance spoke with overt emotion of the hope that the story of Harvey Milk had offered to him as a gay teen growing up in Mormon home. And then he looked into the camera to remind gay and lesbian young people everywhere that God loves them. How powerful.
I just finished this weekend an advance reader copy of Andy Marin’s new book, “Love is an Orientation”. It is a great book. And like Lance’s public declaration, Marin brings our focus back to the essential true foundation – the love of God for our gay neighbours.
Congratulations Lance. Congratulations Andy. May your message go far and wide.
And I’m looking forward to seeing Milk once it comes out on DVD.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Of motivations and integrity....
As I was posting my last entry on ‘trust issues’, I came across a comment that had somehow gotten lost in the wasteland of unmoderated comments. “Jack” was very articulate in raising concerns that seem to be shared by other gay readers, so I wanted to try to address some of the issues he raises:
Jack: Quite honestly, I truly question your motives. I think you truly want to reach out to gays and lesbians, and at some level, I believe that part. However, I always leave this blog and ones to similar to this wondering what outcome are you truly looking for. I see a lot of words revolving around reconciliation, understanding, bridging the gap and so on. But I am left wondering less about the process you are using and wondering MORE about what kind of outcome you are searching for? Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives?
Wendy: These are the outcomes I pray for:
1. I hope that the conservative Christian community will be a safer place for gay people to be honest and open about their day-to-day realities and journey of faith. Some gay people might want to see a day when no one holds a conservative sexual ethic – but I think the reality is that there will always be people of faith who interpret Scripture in a manner that precludes same-sex sexual behaviour. The questions for me are, “How do those who do hold a conservative sexual ethic relate to gay people? How can motivations of fear, control, dominance, coercion, and hatred be confronted as being completely incompatible with the person and ministry of Jesus Christ? How can conservative Christians be helped to feel more comfortable and prepared to be in friendships with gay people – even though there may be points of disagreement that need to be navigated?”
So my hope is that Christians who continue to hold a conservative sexual ethic will do so on the basis of their own convictions birthed from prayer, study of Scripture, and a realistic connection and understanding of the realities of gay people – NOT from fear-based stereotypes of gay people, judgmental control, arrogance, or a sense of drivenness to “make the gay go away”.
My hope is that conservative Christians will engage people with respect, will speak up for issues of justice, and will navigate points of disagreement with humility and grace.
2. I hope, through the context of relationship with Christ-followers, that gay and lesbian people who are not believers would encounter the presence of Christ. I am unapologetically passionate about people coming to know and live in the reality of God’s love for them in Jesus Christ.
At the same time, if a gay person comes to Christ, they will, when the time is right (and that may not be for a long time), need to wrestle with Scripture and through prayer discern what God’s will is for them. In my pastoral connections, I regularly point people to resources like www.gaychristian.net where multiple perspectives are articulated. My perspective is that each individual needs to own what they believe – and then seek to live in a manner that is consistent with those beliefs. Some gay people will own a side B perspective – and many will own a side A perspective. I seek to leave that with God. For those who own a side B perspective, a commitment to celibacy often follows. Some find fulfillment and serenity in this decision. Others find over time that they move towards a side A perspective. Sometimes it is different than that – sometimes someone who was side A moves towards a side B perspective. In my years of connecting with people, I have encountered a lot of diversity in how people navigate their journey of faith - and I have learned to let go and let God be God.
3. I hope that those who are side B in theological perspective (conservative sexual ethic) would focus on shared love for Christ and a mutual commitment to grow in relationship with Christ with side A believers (gay affirming). My hope is that more Christians will recognize that God, through the Holy Spirit, is the one whose job it is to convict and challenge on issues of sin for any and all believers. And we all have sin issues that we're not dealing with. There are times that we are prompted by the Holy Spirit to speak a word in season – but this requires discernment, trust in the relationship, and an openness for someone to accept or reject what we have to offer. Growing in this kind of discernment is most fruitful when we err on the side of humility and waiting for God’s confirmation rather than leading with an anxiety-based agenda.
4. I hope to particularly encourage those individuals who experience same-gender attraction who embrace a side B perspective in their walk with Christ. For example, my post about ‘staying true to convictions’ was written to an person who is committed to a side B perspective. It was not written as manifesto on why every gay person should be side B.
5. I hope that we will be part of fostering a generous spaciousness within the Christian community. Part of that may be accepting that the issue of homosexuality is a disputable matter. Good Christians who love God and take the bible seriously do disagree on this topic. And we can still love and respect each other despite our disagreements. We can still acknowledge and honour each other’s faith and love for Christ. And we can, through relationship, come to a place where we do trust one another’s motives. I hope that part of seeking to foster a generous spaciousness means that people have the room and freedom to continue to explore and respond to the ways they belief God is leading them.
Jack: Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives? If this is your ultimate goal then you might as well stop your efforts now. Why would gay and lesbians want to be a part of conservative/evangelical congregation where your presence would be only lukewarm at best? Why not attend an MCC Church or another liberal mainline congregation where the issue of homosexuality has long since been answered?
Wendy: The reality is that there are some gay and lesbian people who are choosing, on the basis of their own convictions, to live celibate lives. There are very few resources that are of much encouragement to them. Sometimes, this decision to live celibately is driven by fear and self-hatred. When we sense this, we always want to gently challenge them if that seems to be the dominant motivation. If someone is committed to living celibately, we want that to come from a place of security in God’s love and acceptance – not fear.
Some gay and lesbian people do want to be part of a evangelical/conservative congregation, for a variety of reasons, and if we can help that environment to be more welcoming through our writing, resources and teaching – then we hope that is honouring to Christ and helpful to gay people.
Let me be clear. We are not trying to convince side A individuals or institutions to shift towards a side B perspective. It would be quite audacious to think we could have that kind of influence – and completely out of touch with reality. If God is who he says he is, then we don’t have to worry about convincing anyone – that is his job. If our writings are some sort of catalyst for rethinking attitudes and perspectives – we entrust that to God. Any seeds sown are God’s business. Our prayer is consistently that we would not get in the way of what he is already doing.
Jack: It just seems to me that this blog and others are so condescending--even more so than the out and out gay haters like Phelps and his crowd. In some ways I think Evangelical Christians who are so (all of a sudden" surgary sweet) and nice are a cause for MORE concern. More of a concern because it seems that this "new approach" being used by some in the evangelical church is an attempt to engage gays and lesbians in conversation without truly looking for a different outcome than those who out and out publicly denounce homosexuality. To put it in easier terms it just seems like a "sneakier approach" with the same intent in mind. Sort of a "love the sinner hate the sin" dressed up in a pretty dress--it looks nicer and prettier but the message and the outcome is still the same.
Wendy: The last thing we want to be is condescending.
At the same time, I would challenge the notion that the only person who can be loving and respectful toward gay people is the person who fully embraces and affirms all aspects of gay life. I deeply love my gay friends - and they do view me as an ally of sorts. I don’t agree with them on every theological point. But I have all kinds of friends with whom I don’t agree on every theological point. We can still be friends who care for each other, respect each other, and encourage each other to grow in the faith. For my gay friends who are not followers of Jesus, I love and care for them the same I would any other friend who isn’t a believer.
If the only terms acceptable for authentic engagement are that we all have to agree on everything, what a fractured and divided and horribly disengaged society we would be. And if those are the only terms, then there really is very little hope that the gap between the gay community and conservative Christian community can be bridged – and that would be a tragedy.
I would hope that those who connect with us over the long haul would discern the significant difference between someone, like Phelps, who expresses overt hate, consigns people to hell for their orientation, is driven to eradicate gay people from society, and protests any fair and equal treatment – and our commitment to love gay people and to be part of a generous spaciousness.
Last thought, a number of gay people, who are understandably skeptical and cynical, have commented on my “sweetness”…. what you may not realize is the crap that I take for the generosity I seek to embody on this blog, through the resources we develop and the speaking that I do. While I understand the skepticism and the reality that trust is earned …. and I’m committed to walking this out long term and being patient while people watch and observe ….. I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t say that sometimes it is hard to encounter the skepticism. I’m hardly a martyr …. But the truth is that it can be exhausting to try to stay present in the moderate middle. Being a bridge can be painful – especially when folks on both ends question your motives. But at the end of the day, I believe being a bridge, to the best of my ability, is what Christ has called me to – and so I lean on his grace in the confidence that he sees the integrity of my heart.
p.s. If you would like to read Jack's full comment, see it in the comment section here: http://btgproject.blogspot.com/2009/02/staying-true-to-convictions.html
Jack: Quite honestly, I truly question your motives. I think you truly want to reach out to gays and lesbians, and at some level, I believe that part. However, I always leave this blog and ones to similar to this wondering what outcome are you truly looking for. I see a lot of words revolving around reconciliation, understanding, bridging the gap and so on. But I am left wondering less about the process you are using and wondering MORE about what kind of outcome you are searching for? Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives?
Wendy: These are the outcomes I pray for:
1. I hope that the conservative Christian community will be a safer place for gay people to be honest and open about their day-to-day realities and journey of faith. Some gay people might want to see a day when no one holds a conservative sexual ethic – but I think the reality is that there will always be people of faith who interpret Scripture in a manner that precludes same-sex sexual behaviour. The questions for me are, “How do those who do hold a conservative sexual ethic relate to gay people? How can motivations of fear, control, dominance, coercion, and hatred be confronted as being completely incompatible with the person and ministry of Jesus Christ? How can conservative Christians be helped to feel more comfortable and prepared to be in friendships with gay people – even though there may be points of disagreement that need to be navigated?”
So my hope is that Christians who continue to hold a conservative sexual ethic will do so on the basis of their own convictions birthed from prayer, study of Scripture, and a realistic connection and understanding of the realities of gay people – NOT from fear-based stereotypes of gay people, judgmental control, arrogance, or a sense of drivenness to “make the gay go away”.
My hope is that conservative Christians will engage people with respect, will speak up for issues of justice, and will navigate points of disagreement with humility and grace.
2. I hope, through the context of relationship with Christ-followers, that gay and lesbian people who are not believers would encounter the presence of Christ. I am unapologetically passionate about people coming to know and live in the reality of God’s love for them in Jesus Christ.
At the same time, if a gay person comes to Christ, they will, when the time is right (and that may not be for a long time), need to wrestle with Scripture and through prayer discern what God’s will is for them. In my pastoral connections, I regularly point people to resources like www.gaychristian.net where multiple perspectives are articulated. My perspective is that each individual needs to own what they believe – and then seek to live in a manner that is consistent with those beliefs. Some gay people will own a side B perspective – and many will own a side A perspective. I seek to leave that with God. For those who own a side B perspective, a commitment to celibacy often follows. Some find fulfillment and serenity in this decision. Others find over time that they move towards a side A perspective. Sometimes it is different than that – sometimes someone who was side A moves towards a side B perspective. In my years of connecting with people, I have encountered a lot of diversity in how people navigate their journey of faith - and I have learned to let go and let God be God.
3. I hope that those who are side B in theological perspective (conservative sexual ethic) would focus on shared love for Christ and a mutual commitment to grow in relationship with Christ with side A believers (gay affirming). My hope is that more Christians will recognize that God, through the Holy Spirit, is the one whose job it is to convict and challenge on issues of sin for any and all believers. And we all have sin issues that we're not dealing with. There are times that we are prompted by the Holy Spirit to speak a word in season – but this requires discernment, trust in the relationship, and an openness for someone to accept or reject what we have to offer. Growing in this kind of discernment is most fruitful when we err on the side of humility and waiting for God’s confirmation rather than leading with an anxiety-based agenda.
4. I hope to particularly encourage those individuals who experience same-gender attraction who embrace a side B perspective in their walk with Christ. For example, my post about ‘staying true to convictions’ was written to an person who is committed to a side B perspective. It was not written as manifesto on why every gay person should be side B.
5. I hope that we will be part of fostering a generous spaciousness within the Christian community. Part of that may be accepting that the issue of homosexuality is a disputable matter. Good Christians who love God and take the bible seriously do disagree on this topic. And we can still love and respect each other despite our disagreements. We can still acknowledge and honour each other’s faith and love for Christ. And we can, through relationship, come to a place where we do trust one another’s motives. I hope that part of seeking to foster a generous spaciousness means that people have the room and freedom to continue to explore and respond to the ways they belief God is leading them.
Jack: Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives? If this is your ultimate goal then you might as well stop your efforts now. Why would gay and lesbians want to be a part of conservative/evangelical congregation where your presence would be only lukewarm at best? Why not attend an MCC Church or another liberal mainline congregation where the issue of homosexuality has long since been answered?
Wendy: The reality is that there are some gay and lesbian people who are choosing, on the basis of their own convictions, to live celibate lives. There are very few resources that are of much encouragement to them. Sometimes, this decision to live celibately is driven by fear and self-hatred. When we sense this, we always want to gently challenge them if that seems to be the dominant motivation. If someone is committed to living celibately, we want that to come from a place of security in God’s love and acceptance – not fear.
Some gay and lesbian people do want to be part of a evangelical/conservative congregation, for a variety of reasons, and if we can help that environment to be more welcoming through our writing, resources and teaching – then we hope that is honouring to Christ and helpful to gay people.
Let me be clear. We are not trying to convince side A individuals or institutions to shift towards a side B perspective. It would be quite audacious to think we could have that kind of influence – and completely out of touch with reality. If God is who he says he is, then we don’t have to worry about convincing anyone – that is his job. If our writings are some sort of catalyst for rethinking attitudes and perspectives – we entrust that to God. Any seeds sown are God’s business. Our prayer is consistently that we would not get in the way of what he is already doing.
Jack: It just seems to me that this blog and others are so condescending--even more so than the out and out gay haters like Phelps and his crowd. In some ways I think Evangelical Christians who are so (all of a sudden" surgary sweet) and nice are a cause for MORE concern. More of a concern because it seems that this "new approach" being used by some in the evangelical church is an attempt to engage gays and lesbians in conversation without truly looking for a different outcome than those who out and out publicly denounce homosexuality. To put it in easier terms it just seems like a "sneakier approach" with the same intent in mind. Sort of a "love the sinner hate the sin" dressed up in a pretty dress--it looks nicer and prettier but the message and the outcome is still the same.
Wendy: The last thing we want to be is condescending.
At the same time, I would challenge the notion that the only person who can be loving and respectful toward gay people is the person who fully embraces and affirms all aspects of gay life. I deeply love my gay friends - and they do view me as an ally of sorts. I don’t agree with them on every theological point. But I have all kinds of friends with whom I don’t agree on every theological point. We can still be friends who care for each other, respect each other, and encourage each other to grow in the faith. For my gay friends who are not followers of Jesus, I love and care for them the same I would any other friend who isn’t a believer.
If the only terms acceptable for authentic engagement are that we all have to agree on everything, what a fractured and divided and horribly disengaged society we would be. And if those are the only terms, then there really is very little hope that the gap between the gay community and conservative Christian community can be bridged – and that would be a tragedy.
I would hope that those who connect with us over the long haul would discern the significant difference between someone, like Phelps, who expresses overt hate, consigns people to hell for their orientation, is driven to eradicate gay people from society, and protests any fair and equal treatment – and our commitment to love gay people and to be part of a generous spaciousness.
Last thought, a number of gay people, who are understandably skeptical and cynical, have commented on my “sweetness”…. what you may not realize is the crap that I take for the generosity I seek to embody on this blog, through the resources we develop and the speaking that I do. While I understand the skepticism and the reality that trust is earned …. and I’m committed to walking this out long term and being patient while people watch and observe ….. I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t say that sometimes it is hard to encounter the skepticism. I’m hardly a martyr …. But the truth is that it can be exhausting to try to stay present in the moderate middle. Being a bridge can be painful – especially when folks on both ends question your motives. But at the end of the day, I believe being a bridge, to the best of my ability, is what Christ has called me to – and so I lean on his grace in the confidence that he sees the integrity of my heart.
p.s. If you would like to read Jack's full comment, see it in the comment section here: http://btgproject.blogspot.com/2009/02/staying-true-to-convictions.html
Trust Issues
I would be the first to say that I have struggled with trust issues all my life. My mother died when I was 18 months old – and anyone who is at all familiar with Erik Erikson’s stages of development will know that this is the pivotal time when trust develops. My trust mechanisms were significantly disrupted. Add to this a string of painful experiences in my life – most significantly a nearly 10 year relationship with an older woman that was deeply co-dependent and ended with her traumatic rejection of me …. and bingo …. you’ve got some big time trust challenges.
Now the beautiful thing about being in relationship with One who redeems, restores and heals, is that God has done a lot in my life to compensate for the wounds and hurts. As I’ve matured, I’ve learned to discern and have the courage to take risks in the trust department. But after many, many years of working on my “stuff”, I think part of my serenity is accepting that the deficits in my life that impact my ability to trust will likely never be completely 100% erased this side of heaven.
This was poignantly brought home to me again this past week when my husband and I went to see “The Reader” with Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes. In the story, a young boy becomes involved with an older woman. She disappears abruptly from his life without any explanation ….. and as the story unfolds we see a boy become a guarded, distant man – whose marriage crumbles, who takes lovers without emotional involvement, and whose relationship with his daughter is haunted by an inability to deeply connect. I saw myself in this character. In my post-film reflections I had much to be grateful for – a keen sense of “but for the grace of God in my life ……” At the same time, it also gave rise to connecting again with a sense of grief for things that had been taken from me, the hurts I did not seek, nor deserve….. and for the hurts that I have caused by the walls and inaccessibility of places in my heart – even to myself.
I take comfort, of course, in knowing that God isn’t finished with me yet. He is still restoring the broken places in my heart. He hasn’t given up on my marriage. And He continually blesses and restores me as I love my children.
But as both an introvert and a wounded soul, I regularly come face to face with my limitations in staying deeply connected to people beyond my most intimate circle of family and friends. It isn’t that I don’t want to love well. Sometimes I’m just not sure how to do so with so many different people who connect with me. I value relationships so much – but I face my finite supply of emotional energy all too often. And if I’m honest, sometimes I just feel uncertain about navigating all the different boundaries that my very eclectic and diverse assortment of personal connections require.
Navigating these kinds of realities is hard work. It requires the discipline of staying self-aware, growing in discernment, taking risks, forgiving yourself, extending grace to yourself and others.
I’ve seen some of this struggle at work in the aftermath of our decision to leave Exodus. There are many individuals who would point to their past involvement with New Direction as a hurtful, harmful experience. People speak of feeling ‘forced’ to live a lie, to live inauthentically. They share of raw experiences with deep depression and suicidal ideation. These are painful stories to encounter. My heart aches and wants to reach out, build a new relationship, listen well, grieve together, and look to the hope God is holding out for today and the future. I cannot undo the past. I cannot control people’s experience as they engage New Direction – neither past, nor present, nor in the future.
What I can do is commit to do everything I can to be part of creating a generous spaciousness where people can encounter the love of God and really wrestle to own their own beliefs and values and decisions. I can do my best to love well – knowing I will fall short and disappoint people. And I can commit to honesty, transparency and vulnerability.
But the truth is, not everyone wants to go have coffee with me. Not everyone is ready to risk engaging again. And I totally get that. It’s a trust thing. And I get the trust thing.
And the only way the trust thing will cease to be a barrier is through patient, consistent, integrity in living out our commitments to truly be a support and encouragement to gay people in their search for God in a non-patronizing, non-coercive manner.
And even then ….. it takes two to tango.
And I know that sometimes it is just too painful, too scary, and demanding of too much energy to tango.
I know and it is OK.
But know that you are loved. Your pain is grieved and repented for. And Jeremiah 29:11 is prayed over you: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
And if you ever come to the place where you consider having a coffee – the Chai tea is on me.
Grace and peace,
wendy
Now the beautiful thing about being in relationship with One who redeems, restores and heals, is that God has done a lot in my life to compensate for the wounds and hurts. As I’ve matured, I’ve learned to discern and have the courage to take risks in the trust department. But after many, many years of working on my “stuff”, I think part of my serenity is accepting that the deficits in my life that impact my ability to trust will likely never be completely 100% erased this side of heaven.
This was poignantly brought home to me again this past week when my husband and I went to see “The Reader” with Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes. In the story, a young boy becomes involved with an older woman. She disappears abruptly from his life without any explanation ….. and as the story unfolds we see a boy become a guarded, distant man – whose marriage crumbles, who takes lovers without emotional involvement, and whose relationship with his daughter is haunted by an inability to deeply connect. I saw myself in this character. In my post-film reflections I had much to be grateful for – a keen sense of “but for the grace of God in my life ……” At the same time, it also gave rise to connecting again with a sense of grief for things that had been taken from me, the hurts I did not seek, nor deserve….. and for the hurts that I have caused by the walls and inaccessibility of places in my heart – even to myself.
I take comfort, of course, in knowing that God isn’t finished with me yet. He is still restoring the broken places in my heart. He hasn’t given up on my marriage. And He continually blesses and restores me as I love my children.
But as both an introvert and a wounded soul, I regularly come face to face with my limitations in staying deeply connected to people beyond my most intimate circle of family and friends. It isn’t that I don’t want to love well. Sometimes I’m just not sure how to do so with so many different people who connect with me. I value relationships so much – but I face my finite supply of emotional energy all too often. And if I’m honest, sometimes I just feel uncertain about navigating all the different boundaries that my very eclectic and diverse assortment of personal connections require.
Navigating these kinds of realities is hard work. It requires the discipline of staying self-aware, growing in discernment, taking risks, forgiving yourself, extending grace to yourself and others.
I’ve seen some of this struggle at work in the aftermath of our decision to leave Exodus. There are many individuals who would point to their past involvement with New Direction as a hurtful, harmful experience. People speak of feeling ‘forced’ to live a lie, to live inauthentically. They share of raw experiences with deep depression and suicidal ideation. These are painful stories to encounter. My heart aches and wants to reach out, build a new relationship, listen well, grieve together, and look to the hope God is holding out for today and the future. I cannot undo the past. I cannot control people’s experience as they engage New Direction – neither past, nor present, nor in the future.
What I can do is commit to do everything I can to be part of creating a generous spaciousness where people can encounter the love of God and really wrestle to own their own beliefs and values and decisions. I can do my best to love well – knowing I will fall short and disappoint people. And I can commit to honesty, transparency and vulnerability.
But the truth is, not everyone wants to go have coffee with me. Not everyone is ready to risk engaging again. And I totally get that. It’s a trust thing. And I get the trust thing.
And the only way the trust thing will cease to be a barrier is through patient, consistent, integrity in living out our commitments to truly be a support and encouragement to gay people in their search for God in a non-patronizing, non-coercive manner.
And even then ….. it takes two to tango.
And I know that sometimes it is just too painful, too scary, and demanding of too much energy to tango.
I know and it is OK.
But know that you are loved. Your pain is grieved and repented for. And Jeremiah 29:11 is prayed over you: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
And if you ever come to the place where you consider having a coffee – the Chai tea is on me.
Grace and peace,
wendy
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Staying True to Convictions
Below is a letter I wrote in response to an old friend who is committed to living a celibate life. I'm posting an edited version of it because it seems to be a query that I am hearing more and more often...
"I have had conversations with a number of 'side B' same-gender attracted people - those who hold to a conservative understanding of sexual ethics - who have also expressed some frustration / concern with how to interact with 'side A' gay Christians - including the times they find themselves in the same church. This can be a difficult situation - and I can empathize with the different tensions that result.
I think we will increasingly see in the church that homosexuality is viewed as a disputable matter. More and more I think there will be an acceptance of the reality that people of good Christian faith come to different conclusions on this interpretive issue. For myself, I have been stretched a lot in the last number of years. I continue to be influenced and impacted by the Creation account and my sense of God's best intentions for human sexuality. But, like you, I have encountered others who come to different conclusions - and they have a very genuine faith. This disconnect can be anxiety producing and threatening - and this is especially so when it is a personal reality, struggle and journey.
A few things I would offer .....
1. You need to own your convictions. This requires great maturity. You must live your life in alignment with what you really believe to be true - even if you find yourself increasingly faced with others who have made different choices. It is a different situation - but there are some similiarities. I have been married for 14 years. It has often been a very difficult marriage. For a variety of reasons it is often a lonely and painful place - for both of us - despite our best intentions. All around me there are people who are encouraging me to seek a divorce. And I know a lot of divorced Christians who love God, some who have remarried and are very happy in their new marriage. This can cause me to wonder why I should continue to be faithful in my marriage - given some of the hurts that happen. But at the end of the day, I need to make my decision to stay faithful in my marriage based on what my convictions are. And I continue to believe that God will be faithful to us, that he will be sufficient, that suffering is a normal part of the Christian life, that God will help me and provide for me as I stay true to my vows.
2. Be alert to the temptations to bitterness and blaming. This may require great discipline to continue to forgive, release, bless and love others - including the gay couples in your church.
3. Don't be afraid. God is with you. He is leading you. Don't worry about whether you will change your convictions. Don't worry about disappointing God. Don't fear making the wrong decision. When we give energy to worry and fear - the enemy has a foothold. Fear and love are like oil and vinegar. If you spend energy worrying and afraid that you will not be able to maintain a celibate life - you will be distracted from that which will actually strengthen you to stay true to your convictions regardless of what others are doing. What will actually strengthen you in your convictions is to be focused on God's love for you. Instead of being afraid that you will disappoint God if you change your views - focus on the Father's extravagent love for you - no matter what. Even if your views changed, or if you had a same-sex sexual relationship - God the Father loves you. You don't have to be afraid. As you rest in this love, as you refuse to give fear a foothold, you will actually be more free to stay true to your convictions.
4. Be alert to the core temptations common to all humanity. The desert fathers and mothers talked about the 8 bad thoughts as the root of all sin and seperation from God. We often think of them as the 7 deadly sins ..... but I think it is actually more helpful to view them as the 8 temptations. Lust, gluttony, laziness, indifference, pride, greed, envy, anger. I would encourage you to find some helpful and encouraging resources to help you focus on growing in mastery over these temptations. Kathleen Norris has a new book called "Acedia and Me" (acedia is the temptation to 'indifference') .... it is a wonderful read that is practical, encouraging, realistic, and solid. Another very good read is Jean Vanier's "Becoming Human".
5. Stay connected to the people and things that bring you joy.
6. Watch for a rebellious spirit that wants to eradicate suffering. Suffering is a normal part of the Christian life.
7. Nurture a sense of fulfillment in your own spirit from the choices you have made.
8. Watch your own levels of anxiety. Practise good self-care so that anxiety doesn't become a dominating reality.
I share these things, in part, out of my own difficult journey of seeking to remain faithful to what I believe to be true - when many others around me think my staying true is silly or unnecessary or based in fear.
I want my life to be motivated by love - but the reality is that is hard work.
I hope that is somewhat helpful.
It was great to hear from you and I pray that you will experience great shalom in your walk with Christ, your friendships and relationships, in your work and that you will know great joy.
blessings,
wendy
"I have had conversations with a number of 'side B' same-gender attracted people - those who hold to a conservative understanding of sexual ethics - who have also expressed some frustration / concern with how to interact with 'side A' gay Christians - including the times they find themselves in the same church. This can be a difficult situation - and I can empathize with the different tensions that result.
I think we will increasingly see in the church that homosexuality is viewed as a disputable matter. More and more I think there will be an acceptance of the reality that people of good Christian faith come to different conclusions on this interpretive issue. For myself, I have been stretched a lot in the last number of years. I continue to be influenced and impacted by the Creation account and my sense of God's best intentions for human sexuality. But, like you, I have encountered others who come to different conclusions - and they have a very genuine faith. This disconnect can be anxiety producing and threatening - and this is especially so when it is a personal reality, struggle and journey.
A few things I would offer .....
1. You need to own your convictions. This requires great maturity. You must live your life in alignment with what you really believe to be true - even if you find yourself increasingly faced with others who have made different choices. It is a different situation - but there are some similiarities. I have been married for 14 years. It has often been a very difficult marriage. For a variety of reasons it is often a lonely and painful place - for both of us - despite our best intentions. All around me there are people who are encouraging me to seek a divorce. And I know a lot of divorced Christians who love God, some who have remarried and are very happy in their new marriage. This can cause me to wonder why I should continue to be faithful in my marriage - given some of the hurts that happen. But at the end of the day, I need to make my decision to stay faithful in my marriage based on what my convictions are. And I continue to believe that God will be faithful to us, that he will be sufficient, that suffering is a normal part of the Christian life, that God will help me and provide for me as I stay true to my vows.
2. Be alert to the temptations to bitterness and blaming. This may require great discipline to continue to forgive, release, bless and love others - including the gay couples in your church.
3. Don't be afraid. God is with you. He is leading you. Don't worry about whether you will change your convictions. Don't worry about disappointing God. Don't fear making the wrong decision. When we give energy to worry and fear - the enemy has a foothold. Fear and love are like oil and vinegar. If you spend energy worrying and afraid that you will not be able to maintain a celibate life - you will be distracted from that which will actually strengthen you to stay true to your convictions regardless of what others are doing. What will actually strengthen you in your convictions is to be focused on God's love for you. Instead of being afraid that you will disappoint God if you change your views - focus on the Father's extravagent love for you - no matter what. Even if your views changed, or if you had a same-sex sexual relationship - God the Father loves you. You don't have to be afraid. As you rest in this love, as you refuse to give fear a foothold, you will actually be more free to stay true to your convictions.
4. Be alert to the core temptations common to all humanity. The desert fathers and mothers talked about the 8 bad thoughts as the root of all sin and seperation from God. We often think of them as the 7 deadly sins ..... but I think it is actually more helpful to view them as the 8 temptations. Lust, gluttony, laziness, indifference, pride, greed, envy, anger. I would encourage you to find some helpful and encouraging resources to help you focus on growing in mastery over these temptations. Kathleen Norris has a new book called "Acedia and Me" (acedia is the temptation to 'indifference') .... it is a wonderful read that is practical, encouraging, realistic, and solid. Another very good read is Jean Vanier's "Becoming Human".
5. Stay connected to the people and things that bring you joy.
6. Watch for a rebellious spirit that wants to eradicate suffering. Suffering is a normal part of the Christian life.
7. Nurture a sense of fulfillment in your own spirit from the choices you have made.
8. Watch your own levels of anxiety. Practise good self-care so that anxiety doesn't become a dominating reality.
I share these things, in part, out of my own difficult journey of seeking to remain faithful to what I believe to be true - when many others around me think my staying true is silly or unnecessary or based in fear.
I want my life to be motivated by love - but the reality is that is hard work.
I hope that is somewhat helpful.
It was great to hear from you and I pray that you will experience great shalom in your walk with Christ, your friendships and relationships, in your work and that you will know great joy.
blessings,
wendy
Top 10 List
I gleaned a number of thoughts from our Bridging the Gap interviews and prepared a top 10 list for a recent speaking engagement. It isn't THE top 10 list I'm sure - and I hope that others with wisdom and insight will offer additional suggestions in the comments .... but here was my attempt:
Top 10 ways the church can be a safe and welcoming place for those exploring & growing in faith and navigating questions and realities of sexuality:
#10 - Safe communities begin with safe people. Safe people listen well, they are well acquainted with their own struggles, are non-judgmental, and able to navigate disagreements with grace.
Who is safe at your church – and how would a newcomer discover that and have the opportunity to connect?
#9 - Cultivate a realism and understanding of the realities that same-gender attracted and gay people face. Listen well to the gay people you know. There is great diversity within the gay community – generationally, politically, etc. Address stereotypes as they come up in conversation.
#8 - Make room for messy people with messy lives. “No perfect people allowed”. Be a place where leadership are transparent about their struggles. Be a confessional community.
#7 - Commit to non- patronizing pastoral care. No one wants to be the “token troubled Christian.” Remember: “No one needs the grace of Christ more than I do”
#6 – Be a place of rest for the lonely. Psalm 68:6 “God sets the lonely in families”
#5 – Deconstruct the notion of a “big scary gay agenda” and discern between matters of justice that you know are consistent with godly principles and can support – and potential efforts to coerce a uniformity that doesn’t give space for matters of conscience.
#4 - Those who are mature take the lead in calling out motivations of fear and anxiety – and in so doing creating a generous place that isn’t controlling ….. affecting things from appearance, to ideas, to behaviour …… Mature people in the community remind us to humbly entrust people to Christ and the conviction of the Spirit.
#3 – Look for opportunities to speak out against injustice and violence – and find creative ways to link hands through service with gay people in the city.
#2 – Build relationships with gay affirming churches in your neighbourhood.
#1 - Be intentional about opportunities to speak words of welcome and inclusion – and be swift to address language that alienates. Dismantle any sense of “us & them”.
Top 10 ways the church can be a safe and welcoming place for those exploring & growing in faith and navigating questions and realities of sexuality:
#10 - Safe communities begin with safe people. Safe people listen well, they are well acquainted with their own struggles, are non-judgmental, and able to navigate disagreements with grace.
Who is safe at your church – and how would a newcomer discover that and have the opportunity to connect?
#9 - Cultivate a realism and understanding of the realities that same-gender attracted and gay people face. Listen well to the gay people you know. There is great diversity within the gay community – generationally, politically, etc. Address stereotypes as they come up in conversation.
#8 - Make room for messy people with messy lives. “No perfect people allowed”. Be a place where leadership are transparent about their struggles. Be a confessional community.
#7 - Commit to non- patronizing pastoral care. No one wants to be the “token troubled Christian.” Remember: “No one needs the grace of Christ more than I do”
#6 – Be a place of rest for the lonely. Psalm 68:6 “God sets the lonely in families”
#5 – Deconstruct the notion of a “big scary gay agenda” and discern between matters of justice that you know are consistent with godly principles and can support – and potential efforts to coerce a uniformity that doesn’t give space for matters of conscience.
#4 - Those who are mature take the lead in calling out motivations of fear and anxiety – and in so doing creating a generous place that isn’t controlling ….. affecting things from appearance, to ideas, to behaviour …… Mature people in the community remind us to humbly entrust people to Christ and the conviction of the Spirit.
#3 – Look for opportunities to speak out against injustice and violence – and find creative ways to link hands through service with gay people in the city.
#2 – Build relationships with gay affirming churches in your neighbourhood.
#1 - Be intentional about opportunities to speak words of welcome and inclusion – and be swift to address language that alienates. Dismantle any sense of “us & them”.
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