Introducing the BTG Trailer!

The BTG project is a 4 part DVD-documentary style resource for small groups within the Christian community. The purpose is to spark catalytic conversations about bridging the gap between the gay community and Christian community.

We are in the final round of edits for the film portion and the discussion guide. And we are in the process of confirming our pilot groups.
If you have been following this blog and would like to be considered to run a pilot group these are requirements:

• gather a small group of a minimum of 5 people together to go through the 4 part experience
• be willing and able to complete this experience by mid-February 2009
• complete a thorough evaluation of the project including any helpful feedback to improve the experience

If you might be interested please email us through the new direction site.

And now ….. drumroll please ….. introducing the BTG trailer:

(trailer updated to new version)

We’d appreciate you helping us spread the word as we approach our March 2009 launch! Pass this trailer along to friends. And …. do let us know what you think!!

Bridge-Building & Vulnerability by Brian Pengelly

I rarely get nervous about public speaking. Since I was young I have been a natural at being on stage in front of people. Even talking about something as personal as my own sexuality is usually fine with me since I have been doing it for years now. But the opportunity of speaking at the Canadian Youth Workers Convention was a truly nerve wracking experience.

Part of my nerves came from the fact that I only had eighteen minutes in which to talk. Fitting the complexities of my story into an hour is daunting at times, eighteen minutes seemed impossible. I worried that I would have just enough time to offend everyone there, and not enough time to have people grapple with the nuances of my position. It’s one thing to tell people that you are a “gay, conservative evangelical, youth pastor married to a bi-sexual woman” it’s an entirely different thing for people to grasp what that actually means to me.

My friends were all very encouraging to me. “Be yourself!” they said. But that was the real scary part. What if I was myself, and people didn’t like me? Being yourself is a pretty vulnerable thing. It gives people a power over you - a power to hurt you. When you don’t care about others then you can handle rejection much better. But I did care about the people at this convention. They were people like me: youth workers who put up with bad pay and ridiculous demands because they love teens and love Jesus. And I knew that in that audience over two dozen denominations were being represented, from the very liberal to the very conservative. I knew that there would be youth pastors there who struggle with their same sex attractions, and pastors who were openly and comfortably gay.

Whatever I said I wanted more than anything for each of those pastors to go home feeling safe and respected. So I made myself very vulnerable as I spoke. In listening to the recording of it I can hear the tremble in my voice as I shared my own journey and many of the places where I was deeply hurt growing up when I shared about my sexuality.

Then I called for all the people there, wherever they are on the theological perspective, to agree to a few things. First, that no youth should have to fear for their safety the way I did because they are working through these questions (whichever way they eventually go). Secondly, that as we disagree with each other theologically we remember that the worst thing we could say about each other is that we are enemies. Yet Christ called us to love our enemies. So it is imperative that we treat each other with dignity, respect and love. And finally, to remember humility - because Christian history is full of examples of Christians boldly proclaiming what they believed to be the truth with the generations after them discovering that they were wrong.

When I finished speaking I was overwhelmed by the positive response from the audience. I received a standing ovation, which is certainly not something I have received often, and unheard of in my experiences attending this conference. Afterwards many people came to talk to me, and the thing that they said over and over was that it was my vulnerability that had really challenged them to rethink things.

I received an email later on that week from someone in the audience, a youth pastor like myself with a theologically conservative position, but who cared deeply for several gay friends, one of whom was another pastor at the conference. He wrote:

“I have to admit I was scared to death when you were giving your talk. I was scared for my friend that she was going to get hurt again, that she would leave defeated and angry. She get's enough crap from our people and it would just be so frustrating to see her get kicked again. Then when you were speaking I was scared for you. I've been around the youth work block a few times, I know what the guys especially are like, and I though, oh geez, don't show too much, don't let them get too much. Turns out I was blindingly wrong on both counts. Your piercing vulnerability broke down those walls and prejudices and rhetoric. How can you look at a living, breathing vulnerable person and still spit in their face. I know people still do, but it's way harder! So thank you. You have been a bridge, you are a bridge, and while everyone coming up and telling you how great and brave you are is overwhelming and nice in the moment, at some point you will have to wade back in to the struggle of regular life as we all do, and I hope that you know that you gave me hope in a totally different way.”

On reflection, I see that bridge building is an inherently vulnerable thing. You are putting yourself in the middle, and that means you often get caught in the cross fire. It is much easier to pick your side, hunker down in your theological trench and not care about those on the other side. But when we risk being vulnerable, to actually take the time to know and care about others, though we risk rejection, it is in that vulnerability that God’s grace shows up and does miraculous things.

The miracle in this situation is that the friend, who had publicly stated earlier her displeasure with me being there as a speaker, came and apologized to me. “I walked by your booth all through this conference and kept my distance, and then here you were and you honoured me with your talk. I am sorry.” It took vulnerability for her to come and hear me speak. It took humility for her to come and apologize. But that evening I stayed up late into the evening talking with her and her wife, sharing stories, laughing and getting to know each other. Our theologies are still different, but the distrust between us is replaced with friendship and a desire to know and understand each other better.

Choosing to care, and to make yourself vulnerable is a scary thing at times, but when we do it, we walk in the footsteps of a Saviour who was not content to leave us as enemies, but instead chose to make himself vulnerable, even to death on a cross. The conference weekend was an example of what the Spirit does when we are willing to step out. Some days I get tired of constantly putting myself out there, and the backlash that happens when I do. But weekends like that remind me why I do it, and give me the courage to go on.

Freedom and Responsibility

Over my years with New Direction I’ve had the opportunity to interact with many different people who experience same-gender attraction. They have landed on many different places on the spectrum of belief, of practice, of expectations. It has been a growing experience for me. I have had to wrestle with what I believe, what I practice and what I expect. I’ve learned that I cannot simply rest on my laurels without vigorous reflection, thought and critique. I’ve been challenged by my same-gender attracted and gay friends as I’ve witnessed their journeys, the ways they have had to wrestle to try to understand their sexuality, their identity, their values and beliefs. Those I respect the most, even if we land in different places, are the ones who weren’t content to be spoon-fed answers – but rather took risks to own for themselves what they believe.

In my interview with Brian Mclaren for this “Bridging the Gap” DVD curriculum, he said, “My experience as a Christian has not been that following Jesus has suddenly made everything obvious. My experience has been that following Jesus has continually called me to repentance. Repentance meaning re-thinking. At any stage in this process, you can cut the cords and say, “I can’t think about this, this is too complex.” The fear of dealing with ambiguity can make us run away, especially when our ambiguity is interpreted by our fellow Christians as compromise. This is one of the ugly things we do to each other. We make our acceptance of each other really conditional on nobody thinking, because if you think, you might change your opinion. And if you change your opinion, you might…. and you belong to a “no-think” club. How can God be pleased with that?”
God created us with a free will – the capacity to choose, the capacity to decide, the capacity to discern. The ‘gift’ of this free will emanated from his love.

I see this in parenting my own children. My kids are young enough to still be forming in their own thinking, faith journeys, ethics and values. As a parent, I have the opportunity to teach them …. But I try to not only teach them what I believe – but teach them the tools for engagement with many diverse experiences and paradigms. If I don’t, if I only provide a rigid system of what I think, what happens when they begin to struggle with something I believe? What happens when something legitimately gets questioned – and they have no system to think for themselves - to own what they believe? I’ve seen too many individuals brought up in good Christian homes, sometimes having been educated in good Christian schools, having attended good Christian churches walk away from faith because the system they were taught didn’t actually prepare them to discern for themselves, to embrace faith for themselves, to process a changing culture. Too many weren’t prepared to face the complex realities of competing ideas, values and beliefs.

This lack of preparedness contributes to individuals being stuck in an immature place – a place that is vulnerable to the controlling presence of fear. Afraid to think. Afraid to differ. Afraid to challenge. Afraid to disappoint.

Such fear limits us in so many ways. I believe such fear limits our experience of the love of the Father. We can feel the Father’s love – but it is tainted by our fear that His love is conditional on us ‘staying the course’. Not that ‘staying the course’ is a bad thing …. But believing in a conditional love from a Father who loves unconditionally, who saves us by grace and by the goodness of His own character, limits us. When the apostle John speaks of perfect love driving out fear …. I think it hits the heart of some of this deep-seated unbelief that God couldn’t really love us that much or love us that freely.

It also limits our ability to love others. Another quote from Jean Vanier: “When religion closes people up in their own particular group, it puts belonging to the group, and its success and growth, above love and vulnerability towards others; it no longer nourishes and opens the heart. When this happens, religion becomes an ideology, that is to say, a series of ideas that we impose on ourselves, as well as on others; it closes us up behind walls. When religion helps us to open our hearts in love and compassion to those who are not of our faith so as to help them to find the source of freedom within their own hearts and to grow in compassion and love of others, then this religion is a source of life”
When it comes to beliefs about sexual identity, it seems that Christians have a particular challenge to move beyond ideology. And…. (and I say this with some trepidation and the intention of a gentle spirit) this is particularly poignant for those for whom same-gender attraction is a personal reality. This is, of course, understandable (and I am limited in my understanding not having the ability to stand in their shoes). It is personal. It is intimate. It is of most significant importance.

In recent weeks, I have encountered same-gender attracted Christians who hold a conservative perspective – who seem to want the rest of the culture to change to reflect their perspectives. Now on one hand, because they believe what they believe to be true – of course they would want others to believe in a similar fashion. But there is also a sense of, “This makes things hard for me. It is threatening to me. I don’t want to be in the minority. I don’t want to be maligned. I don’t want to be pressured.” Again, these things are very understandable….. and yet, maturity in Christ brings us to the place where we, like Jesus, experience rejection, pressure, testing, mocking, ridicule – and it does not threaten us, it does not diminish us, it does not sway us from our firm convictions that we are loved by the Father and that we are choosing to live in a manner that we believe is consistent with His best intentions for us. We have the freedom to own what we believe and then seek to live consistently with that. But with that freedom comes the responsibility to really own that, to not blame anyone else when living that out is hard, and to not somehow expect that everyone should agree with us so that we don’t have to live in a counter-cultural manner.

On the flip side, I encounter gay Christians who seem to expect that anyone who doesn’t share their more gay-affirming perspectives is really just ignorant, not as enlightened as they are, not as fully mature in their understanding of faith, stuck in fear and ideology …. And ironically, they often seem to be just as stuck in their ideology.

The challenge in this divided context is to both embrace the freedom God gives us to discern, believe, and practice a life that we believe is consistent with His will for us AND to step up to the responsibility that freedom demands. This responsibility means that we will honour another’s freedom. This responsibility means that we will move toward a great maturity in not being threatened by another’s liberty.

This is not a simplistic “live and let live” …. This is cross-carrying, self-sacrificing love. And it is hard. It demands a vibrant faith.

A final Vanier thought: “It is not easy to strike a balance between closedness, having a clear identity that fosters growth in certain values and spirituality, and openness to those who do not live with the same values. Being too open can dilute the quality of life and stunt growth to maturity and wisdom; being too closed can stifle. It requires the wisdom, maturity, and inner freedom of community members to help the community find harmony that not only preserves and deepens life and a real sense of belonging but also gives and receives life.”

One more note: I have also been delighted to meet same-gender attracted and gay Christians who embody the kind of generous maturity of which Vanier speaks – and I’ll share some of my experiences in friendship with them in a future post.

Fragrance or Stench?

I’ve been pondering this post for several days. I’m not a fast reaction writer … I like to let things percolate in my gut as well as my mind and heart. The thoughts and emotions that have been swirling around for the last number of days I have sought to offer up as a jumbled prayer that the Holy Spirit will make clear before the Father.

I have found myself grieving for the pain of my gay friends – and the many gay people who I don’t know personally – who have been so intimately affected by the various marriage propositions south of the border. I would hardly consider myself to be politically astute. And New Direction has taken a very intentional position to not be involved in political matters. So, I feel I may be skirting a bit of a fine line with this post.

But I have been thinking a lot about how caught up so many Christians seem to be in the empire …. And I’ve been considering the subversive way in which Jesus lived his life and taught his followers. He didn’t try to overtake the Roman government. He didn’t try to make his teachings the law of the land. His power was revealed in weakness and suffering and sacrifice. He chose to empty himself.

I’ve followed with a sad heart the perceptions and reactions of many gay people to the manner in which the various campaigns were executed by those who stood against gay marriage. The witness of those who name the name of Christ, where perception is reality, has been devastating….. twisting stories, power plays, harsh, ungracious …. seemingly oblivious to the fellow human beings their campaign would impact.

And now the protests through California and other States …. and the anti-religious sentiments being expressed….. understandably expressed.

And my heart breaks.

I don’t share the celebration of some within Christian circles. Though I believe that God’s best intention for marriage and sexual intimacy is the covenant between husband and wife, I also deeply believe that there are significant injustices being perpetrated against gay and lesbian people.

I look at the millions of dollars that have been spent on these recent campaigns and my heart returns to the documentary “JustUs” that my friends Meghan and Alex produced in Rwanda about the Millennium Development Goals ….. and my spirit is perplexed. And I find myself asking, “What is happening? How can this be consistent with the true religion of which the Apostle James speaks?”

I think of 14,000 couples in California alone ….. and the Christians who boldly and arrogantly assert that they will go after their marriage licenses …. and for the life of me I cannot see how that is consistent with the person and ministry of Jesus.

And so I have been lamenting these last few days. For those who celebrate somehow averting God’s judgment with the passing of these propositions …. I must ask, “What of the judgment that accompanies dehumanizing our fellow human beings? Of being a mill-stone around the neck of those who may have been seeking God?”

“What of the judgment of our pride and arrogance? Of the stench of our twisted sense of entitlement? Of our addiction to power and dominance?”

“What of the judgment of our capitulation to our fear? Of the fear that has driven out perfect love?”

Jean Vanier, in his book ‘Becoming Human’, writes, “The discovery of our common humanity, beneath our differences, seems for many to be dangerous. It not only means that we have to lose some of our power, privilege, and self-image, but also that we have to look at the shadow side in ourselves, the brokenness, and even the evil in our own hearts and culture; it implies moving into a certain insecurity.”

May Christ have mercy on us.

Synergy and Diversity

My family and I moved last week. We had decided to downsize. We wanted to free up income to be more generous in the lives of others. We wanted to simplify our lives. We wanted to be more intentional in community, in our neighbourhood. Seemed like a pretty good idea ….. but then our house didn’t sell. For four months. And the market went into the toilet. And we took possession of the townhouse we’d purchased. And instead of freeing up income, it felt like we were bleeding money paying for two houses. It was really, really stressful. And there were moments where I felt like I couldn’t stand the uncertainty of it all for one more minute.

Now we are in the midst of the normal chaos that accompanies moving – trying to get settled. And you’d think that I’d feel really relieved that our house finally sold and that we’ve finally moved …. But to be honest, I still sort of feel like I’m holding my breath, still feel a little stressed and ragged around the edges. And I’m still basically just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. Step-by-step. Grateful to at least be moving forward.

Change is hard. Emerging out of a season of stress and challenge is tough.

So why am I sharing all of this on this particular blog? This blog isn’t about me afterall.
But it is about honesty. It is about transparency and vulnerability and engaging in transition and growth. These things are critical if we have any hope of bridging the gap to befriend those who differ from us.

Bridging the gap requires us to stay present in the uncertainty. It requires us to be willing to be uncomfortable. It demands that we open ourselves up to change - perhaps not theological change - but attitudinal change, relational change, engagement change.

Lately, I’ve been speaking about paradigmatic change - about the shift from an old paradigm through a period of early transition to late transition into a new paradigm.

Whether we like it or not, our context is changing. The old paradigm of Christian attitudes toward homosexuality was basically black and white: "gay people are an abomination and they are going to hell". As culture began to change and gay people began to share their stories, some began to make an early transition towards a new paradigm. And some began to suggest that gay people weren’t carte blanche an abomination – there was a differentiation between orientation and behaviour. Some said gay people weren’t an abomination – but they were disordered and could be easily cured. People in Christian circles talked about choice – with the assumption that same-gender attracted people could just choose to re-order their sexuality. Transition continued, more narratives emerged – including the stories of those who unsuccessfully tried to change their orientation – and some people began to say that orientation is not chosen and not easily changed. More stories emerged of gay Christians who believed that God invited them to express their sexuality in monogamous partnerships.

In the midst of all of this transition, there has been a lot of stress. And for some, a lot of uncertainty. In general, people do not deal with stress and uncertainty very well – so there has been a lot of fear and anger too.

And whether we like it or not, we find ourselves in the midst of a new paradigm. And we live in the reality of many diverse responses.
• Some people still believe gay people are an abomination and are going to hell. Thankfully most Christians cringe at this response.
• Some people continue to believe that homosexuality is like a disease and can be easily cured – though current research does not support this.
• Some people understand that same-gender attraction is a reality that some people will live with throughout their life. They believe Scripture does not endorse same-gender sexual intimacy. They recognize that while some people experience sufficient fluidity in their sexuality to be able to authentically enter heterosexual marriage, this is not the dominant experience. For the majority of same-gender attracted people they believe that celibacy is the only God-honouring option. They may question whether anyone who holds a more gay affirming perspective is really a Christian. And they may likely have a real problem acknowledging gay Christians who are in relationship with a same-gender partner.
• Some people see the reality of same-gender attraction in people’s lives, consider God’s concern that “it is not good for man to be alone”, and seek to support sga people in experiencing healthy intimacy through non-sexual covenantal friendships or intentional communal living.
• Some people encourage gay people to be chaste until marriage (where same-sex marriage is legal) and to find and commit to a life-long partner. Some are respectful and accepting of those who hold more conservative views – some less so.

In a time of transition, it has been suggested that there is a need for a synergy among diverse responses. In the culture wars of the last generation we have seen plenty of evidence of a lack of synergy in diversity. But increasingly the next generation is impatient with this lack of synergy. Not all young people are stereotypically liberal in their theology of sexual ethics – but many are unwilling to perpetuate a sense of enmity between diverse responses.

I recently interviewed Tony Campolo for this “Bridging the Gap” project. Tony said this, “There is a multiplicity of answers to the question, and in the world that we’re moving to, we’re going to have to face that reality. I spoke at a youth convention of a very significant denomination in the US. The convention of 5000 youth were meeting simultaneously to the adults going through evaluating the rules and regulations of the church. And they came out with a very strong statement towards gays and lesbians, saying they would never accept gay marriage. Word drifted over to this youth convention, which was right next door. And they put their own statement together saying that, “We are not going to make a strong statement on this. We are going to be open to a variety of answers, and we don’t like that you have come down so strong with one answer. And the last thing we want to say is it’s not that long of a time before all of you will be dead.” Young people are not thinking the same way as the older people are on this. And they are not necessarily liberal. They are very conservative in many circles, it’s just that young people have reached a point where they see something transcending above this issue, and it’s the love for Christ that transcends that issue.”

The question as we continue to move forward, perhaps simply able to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, is: How do we bridge the gap between those we disagree with? (Because let’s face it, the multiplicity of responses isn’t going to magically go away.)

A few (incomplete) thoughts:
• Let’s be honest – this can be hard. It can be stressful. It can make us anxious. Breathe in and breathe out. Put one foot in front of the other. Stay present in the uncertainty.
• All of the tension that can accompany this transition is worth it for the sake of our gay brothers and sisters. Honouring them is more important than our own comfort (regardless of where you land on the theological spectrum).
• In times of transition we need to be reminded to represent Jesus well. Some of the harsh, fearful, critical, demeaning comments that are directed at people with whom there is a disagreement do NOT reflect the character of Christ.
• We need to take the time to really hear people – and to hear people, we need to be in relationship with people. Without relationship it is far too easy to be reactively judgmental or stuck in the theoretical.
• Being in respectful, gracious relationship with people with whom we disagree honours Christ who continually called his followers to love their enemies.
• Being in relationship with people with whom we disagree affords the opportunity for us to grow and mature in the fruits of the Spirit.
• In the midst of such paradigmatic change we have the opportunity to be like Jesus, who chose to humble himself, empty himself, divest himself of the dominant, power position …. We, too, can choose to be the servant of another – including those with whom we may disagree.

And when all of this change brings moments where we feel like we just can’t stand the uncertainty of it all for one more minute, we have the opportunity to go to the foot of the cross, gaze into the face of Jesus, rest at his feet, listen for his voice, and be filled with his love, patience, strength, courage and grace to keep moving forward – one step at a time.

Grace & Coming Out

This past Saturday was “National Coming Out Day.” Several blogs that I follow had poignant first-person accounts of the sense of relief and congruity that an individual can feel once they disclose to the people they care about the most the reality of their same-gender attraction.

For those of us who are straight, and don’t spend a whole lot of time processing, wrestling, hiding, or managing our heterosexuality, I think there will always be a gap in our understanding of what it is like to be persistently same-gender attracted – particularly within the Christian community. We might like to try to step into a gay person’s shoes – but at the end of the day – I think we can’t really fully grasp the multi-layered complexities of the process of discovery and coming out.

A few of years ago I attended a conference that gathered same-gender attracted Christians of varying perspectives. I intentionally chose to fly under the radar – to attend as a “normal Jane” (which in this situation meant that most people simply assumed I was gay). For two and a half days, I chose to set aside some of my most significant identifiers – wife, mother, New Direction leader. I found it exhausting. I had to be constantly vigilant. It took a lot of energy to watch what came out of my mouth particularly when meeting new people (which I did a lot of) – because those identifiers were so ingrained as part of my “get to know me” script. As I reflected on that conference experience, I think one of the things God wanted me to experience, albeit in a very limited fashion, was the burden of hiding significant parts of your identity. Being a wife or a mom or a ministry leader doesn’t define me, but they do describe very important parts of me. And keeping those identifiers under wraps was really hard – I felt diminished in some way – even though I was the one who had chosen to do so. God birthed a deeper empathy in me that weekend – for which I’m very grateful.

So I have a different take on “National Coming Out Day” than I used to. I’m not threatened by it anymore. I still hope that young kids don’t label themselves too prematurely. And I still pray that those who come out as gay will make wise decisions about faith, community and relationships. But I’m better prepared to understand that coming out, in and of itself, is really just about being honest, being authentic, no longer hiding.

“National Coming Out Day” coincided with a major holiday – Thanksgiving – here in Canada. That meant that when I came to the office this morning I had the opportunity to field some calls from some parents whose kids had disclosed their sexual identity to them over the weekend. Some were shell-shocked. Some had a thousand questions. Some were grieving. I’m delighted to say that none were angry or horribly freaking out (we’ve had those in the past too).

The thing about coming out is that the gay person has had years to prepare for that moment – the loved ones, even if they had some inkling in the past – may be caught off guard.

When we gather parents together for a supportive place of sharing and prayer, this is what I say:

• This is a safe place to process all the complex emotions that may come with your child’s disclosure.
• We won’t make any assumptions about you except for one: that you are here because you love your child.
• Our focus is on coming to a place of acceptance where you are free to love unconditionally and where you are best positioned to be useful to God in his pursuit of your child.
• This is NOT about:
o fixing your child
o fixing you
o theological debate
o blame or guilt
o everyone having to think alike or agree

Coming out requires grace on all sides. And grace is what we seem to have such a hard time grasping.

If you’re a pastor or a ministry leader, ask yourself, “How many people have felt safe coming out to me?” It’s a pretty good test for whether or not you embody grace.

Frankly, I wish there were other coming out days that straight people could expeirence. Because I wish there was more honesty. I wish there was more authenticity. And I wish there was more grace for the reality of the messiness that pervades all of our lives.

To the kids who came out this weekend: grace to you.
To the parents who are now processing: grace to you.
To a church still easily threatened: grace to you.
To an impatient gay community: grace to you.

Reflections and Canadian Thanksgiving

Do you know what you were doing 10 years ago today? Ten years ago I was caring for my one year old son and was a few weeks away from delivering my daughter. I was exhausted and isolated and not particularly aware of world events. But I do remember hearing about Matthew Shepherd. I do remember grieving for the horrific pain this young man endured and aching for his family. Thank you to BTB for respectfully reminding us of the grievous injustices that glbtq people have endured through the remembrance of Matthew Shepherd’s story.

Ten years ago as I wept for Matthew and his family I had no idea that I would be called to a particular focus and engagement with gay and lesbian people.

Ten years ago I had no idea of the ways my heart and mind would be challenged and stretched as I took on the assignment of seeking to identify with and advocate for gay people. I didn’t know what it would be like to seek to listen to every sermon, read every book and article, filter every conversation in the Christian sub-culture in which I live, through the eyes of my brothers and sisters who experience same-gender attraction.

What an assignment it has been. All my comfort zones trashed. All my pat answers shredded. All my competencies tested.

And it is a good thing. A hard thing. But a good thing.

As I prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family – my son now eleven years old, my daughter excited to celebrate her tenth birthday soon, and my ‘baby’ already making birthday lists for when she turns 8 – I am again humbled and grateful to be called to seek to build bridges. There is much brokenness, injustice and pain in our world, as the story of Matthew Shepherd reminds us. And yet …..


“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”
Romans 8: 18 – 25

Blessed Thanksgiving friends …… may we all grow in learning to wait patiently.

The Importance of Stories - Part 2 by Brian Pengelly

I know .... we did post them on the same day .... but go read part 1 first ok?


I think the single most dangerous story that we can tell is “God is on my side”. It’s a really easy story to fall back on because it’s like pulling trump in Euchre: it beats everything. If God is on my side, then I don’t have to listen to others, or question myself. If God is on my side, then everything is justifiable.

Ten years ago, I was sure that God was on my side. I was well into Bible college and I thought I had all the answers. I had a narrative that was obviously true, and I didn’t even have to think about it any more. The story I told fit my experience, and fit what I read in scripture. It was SO simple.

The problem with the “God is on my side” story is that it has a nature corollary: “God is NOT on your side.” And when the story is followed to a logical conclusion it ends up with the question “If God is on my side, then why are other people on the other side?” The natural answer became “Because they are bad!” I think at first my internal story went something like this “This who would disagree with me on what the Bible teaches about homosexuality are obviously either unregenerate or just twisting what they know Scripture to say deep down because they just want to be in relationship so bad.”

All of these assumptions shattered when I met a Pastor I will call “Ben”. He was a professor at a conservative Bible College, who I got to know through a mutual friend. He firmly believed that Scripture taught that homosexual unions were blessed by God. He was also as straight as the day was long. By teaching his views he faced the real possibility of losing his job. But his conscience compelled him to speak up because of the hateful homophobia he saw perpetuated around him. He also believed deeply that this understanding was truth, and that he must speak the truth. Ben and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of things when it comes to interpretation of Scripture, but I admire his faith and integrity deeply.

For a time I switched to a kinder but no less arrogant story: “You are deceived!” I could tell myself that he was a good person, but that the devil, or society, or something else had simply blinded him to the obvious truth. I would pray that God would lift the blinders from his eyes so he would see. But a gay friend of mine, once asked me a question when we were discussing this one day. “How do you know that you aren’t the one that is deceived?” I laughed it off at first, but the longer I pondered it the more it sunk in, there was no way that I could prove that I wasn’t. And if I couldn’t prove that I wasn’t deceived then how could I be so sure that he was?

This realization left me in a place of paralyzing epistemological angst. I felt as if surrendering the “God is on my side” story would leave me unable to know anything at all. If I couldn’t be sure, then why believe anything, or do anything? I think one of the reasons why some Christians clamp onto the issue of homosexuality like a pit bull and refuse to let go is because for them it has become the symbol for certainty and belief. It can feel like, “If I let go of “God is on my side” then I will know nothing at all!” Homosexuality seems to have become like the bottom block that their faith is teetering on in a game of Jenga, and if they try to move it everything else will fall down.

For me the answer to this dilemma came through a deeper understanding of the basic Christian doctrine of the Fall. I had to believe there was Truth, and that God’s word was true. But I came to see that I always access that truth through my own falleness. I could have absolute faith in God, but I should not have absolute faith in myself because I am not perfect, and God is still working in me.

That allowed me to construct a new story that shapes my life today. I call it “I am following God as best I know how!” I don’t have to pretend that I am infallible and I have all knowledge, but I am doing the best with what resources I have at my disposal. The best thing about this story is that it is one that I can apply to others as well. When others disagree with me on this topic or any other I do not have to assume they are evil or deceived, I can instead believe good about them.

I believe that starting from this place of believing good about others is a key component to bridging the gap. It assumes that there is something worth building towards, and it requires personal humility. It allows dialog and opens questions. If the other person is good, then why are they acting the way they are? What do we have in common that we can build from? This does not minimize the areas that we do disagree, but does keep me honest and respectful in our disagreement.

I should point out to be fair that this story of “I am following God the best I know how” is just as important in dealing with individuals who are more “conservative” than me as well as those who are more “liberal”. I recently had an encounter with an individual who after reading my testimony wanted to meet with me to pray to cast out the demons oppressing my life as evidenced by the fact that I openly and honestly admit to continuing to have a homosexual orientation. My immediate first reaction was to label the guy a “wingnut” and refuse to meet with him. I joked about him to my friends, and even made a snide comment about it on another blog, and felt justified in doing so.

But then I got a surprise: I received an email from the gentleman several days later profoundly apologizing to me, admitting he had acted rashly and arrogantly, and in a way that was disrespectful and potentially harmful to me. And then he asked to meet with me again, in a coffee shop nearby. My first inclination was to say no, but I felt the promptings of the Spirit, and finally decided to agree to meet with him. We had coffee together and talked for half and hour. He prayed for me. It was his contention that he could sense the oppression of many spirits on me. It is my contention that I sensed no such thing, and that several of the things he interpreted as spiritual signs were better explained by awkwardness and gas. I disagree with his theology on almost every point. But as we met I prayed that God would help me to understand him, and him to understand me. I think that our meeting was productive. Our time has made him begin to reconsider some things given what he experienced in getting to know me. I won’t claim to have changed my views on much, but I can say that I was honestly open to what he said. Our dialog continues, but it does so because both of us are willing to start with the story describing the other as “Following God the best we know how”.

The journey to the point of first recognizing, and then changing the stories that had kept me from building bridges was a long one, and I don’t claim to have everything figured out yet. But then one of the best things about my new story is that I don’t have to have it all figured out yet. But by owning my own falleness instead of just making pronouncements about others, and by extending grace to others even as I ask for it myself, I can be part of creating an environment where the Holy Spirit can most effectively work. And I hope I am helping to set a foundation that is most conducive to the building of bridges. I can’t guarantee or assume that others will want to build a bridge towards me, but by changing the stories I tell myself, I know I have torn down a significant obstacle that used to get in the way.

The Importance of Stories - Part 1 by Brian Pengelly

When I was studying counselling in Seminary I spent many of my classes learning about Cognitive Therapy. This taught me to look for the story or belief that motivated a given behaviour. I learned that often by helping a person change how they interpreted an event, or the story they told about things, great changes in behaviour resulted.

What has been even more fascinating to me is the growing realization that this does not just happen with individuals. Groups of people, whether families, nations, denominations, or corporation, have these stories too. Each cultural grouping has not only its own stories of identity but also tells stories that explain those who are outside their culture and why they are different.

I have found that when interacting with a group of people who are different from me it is very important for me to learn the stories that they tell about themselves. It is also important for me to examine the stories that I tell to explain why they are different from me in light of their stories.

My first glimmering of this idea came when I was still in high school and I went down to Mexico for a summer on a mission trip to build a church. One of the first things that annoyed me about that culture was that nothing ever happened on time! If our team was asked to show up at a church service, we would get there, and almost no one was there. Like many white anglos before me I quickly made up a story to explain this strange behaviour: “Mexicans are lazy and irresponsible.”

But as the summer went on I saw more and more evidence that my story didn’t make sense. I saw many of those in the community getting up at early hours to work jobs, in some cases two jobs, and then come to our worksite and volunteer to work doing hard physical labour long after our team of American teens had packed it in for the day. As a result I was forced to change my story. I felt ashamed that I had jumped to such a judgemental and negative to explain something that I didn’t understand.

What struck me most is that in cultural conflict it seems that both sides are pro something. If I had to sum up my internal conflict that summer, recognizing that this is a huge oversimplification, I would say it was between those who were “pro efficiency” and those who were “pro relationship”. I don’t think anyone would have said they wanted to be known as “anti efficiency” or “anti relationship”.

As I have been living in this strange space trying to bridge the gap between the Christian culture and the gay culture, I have been extremely alarmed by the willingness to jump to tell stories about the other side in contrast to how rarely people are willing to do the work to hear the story of the other side.

If you start with a story like “Gay people are sexually immoral and don’t care about God” or “Christians are narrow minded hateful bigots” then there is almost no way to build a bridge. Christians have often framed their position in debates about homosexuality as being “Pro-Family.” But I have yet to meet anyone who disagrees with them who would describe themselves as “Anti-family”.

I think that a vital step in bridge building is taking the time to listen to the other’s stories, to understand how they think about themselves, and to examine the stories that we have been telling about ourselves and others.

In my next post I will examine some of the stories that I have told about both the Christian community and the gay community over the years, and how listening has changed those stories.

the real deal...

Earlier today, I had an email conversation with a young man I’ve had the privilege of getting to know over the last year or so. J. loves God and is on a journey with Him. He sent me an update that I thought was so poignant, real and authentic that I tentatively asked him if he would consider allowing me to share it more widely – with some identifying details blurred.

I said, “Part of the reason I ask is that sometimes when we're in pain with God it is actually helpful to feel like what we are experiencing has meaning - and sometimes knowing that our authenticity will speak to others is a way of making meaning of where we are at ....”

J. replied and said, “With regards to the blog you can absolutely use that e-mail. Actually after I sent the e-mail I went back to read through it again which I often do if I write poetry or send e-mails to get a real sense of my feelings and when I read it back to myself I thought how nice it would be for someone else to read that if they were going through it to know that they are not alone. Also I thought how good it would be for some of the church to hear the pain and understand that this struggle is not about sex it's about emotion. So yes you can!”

Without further ado and with thanks, here is a glimpse into the heart and journey of J.


“Well just thought I would send a little update. [My ex-boyfriend] moves away on the 27th of this month and to be honest I am so raw emotionally and I didn't expect it. We broke up almost a year ago and have had separate rooms for probably 10 months now....and he's moved on and has a new boyfriend and I have been doing the occasional date with a cute little girl from the church...but it feels like breaking up all over again when I realize that this house that we bought together is going to be empty.

The house has not sold so I am trying to rent it out for the first of October because I just can't do it on my own...if not I will have to let it go back to the bank...all by myself on this one Wendy...this is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

Every now and then I just get this flood of emotion and it feels like I am just going to fall to the ground under the weight of grief....and I wonder why...why I am doing all of this. I mean I KNOW why but I feel like I am putting myself through so much...and sometimes I don't even feel like God notices how much I am having to go through just to follow him. Maybe it's a consequence of sin I guess. But I just feel some days like God is saying "well you got yourself into this mess"....it just hurts so much some days.

I feel like I have been beaten to a bloody pulp...spiritually and emotionally like I can barely stand BUT no desire to give up or turn back at all...I will drag this beaten body wherever God leads even if God has to drag me there because I just can't do it. I have never felt that way before. All my life it was thinking "God I can't do this it's too hard" now it's thinking "God....this is REALLY hard but you're going to get me through it somehow".

I am scared though of what might be next Wendy. I really believed that the house would sell quickly and that financial problems would be resolved....but it didn't and they aren't and although that causes me undue stress I am going to continue to fight the good fight. I think maybe financial stresses might even be a bit of the enemy....I mean that has always been my weakest point...fear of financial decay but God has really equipped me for this spiritual battle with a great peace that no matter what happens in this I WILL get through it and I WILL have God with me on the other side of this dark valley.

My heart aches and I feel strong.....it's the most mixed up feeling in the world to be exhausted and NOT ready to give up. But that is where I am...

Anyway I will cut myself off now before I go on too long...but keep me in prayer over the next couple weeks as it's going to be tough.
Love and Blessings,
J.


Dear J.
Thank you so much for letting me know where you are at.... that allows me to pray more intelligently for you. I so appreciate your honesty and authenticity. Given the journey, as an outsider peeking in, it is not unexpected that you would be riding the emotional rollercoaster that you are. I am so very grateful to hear of the real ways that you are taking God in with you to these places ..... and your emerging perspective on the strength in weakness that is the upside down economy of God. Your experience puts you in good company with folks like the Apostle Paul and many other Christian leaders throughout the ages.

I think sometimes that what we often need is simply to know that people see (I often say witness) what it is we are navigating. We don't need people to fix it (like they could anyway....), we don't need people to offer advise or guidance (we're in the place where we are standing with Christ and really all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and wait for God to deliver us in his time), we don't need sympathy or judgment or sugar-coated encouragement .... we simply need people to see and experience that we are known and in the knowing that we are loved, that we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses who are saying in the Spirit, "Keep going! We know that in Christ you can totally do this!!" And so hear that from me - I see you. I get it. As a sister in Christ I am so proud of you for standing, for waiting on God, for staying real in the process, for being honest about the pain, for reaching deep for the will to do this with God ..... Keep going - I know you can do this!!!

Know that you are treasured - simply for who you are. In the midst of this, you are loved not because you are fighting to be faithful to God - you are loved because you are you. That you are fighting to be faithful to God is a joy and a 'bonus' .... and we join you in the fight.
every blessing,
wendy


Hey Wendy,
It's so true what you said about someone just seeing you. Sometimes it's such a lonely fight and all the advice in the world doesn't make it easier but knowing that someone is there saying "I know it's hard" makes all the difference so thank you."


I know this blog is read by diverse voices. And there might be some who read J’s email and have an opinion or advice for him …. Maybe you disagree with the choices he is making …. Allow me to make this observation before you jump into the comments section: This is where J. is at. This is his heart. The real deal. He is allowed to be where he is at. He doesn’t need to be pushed or prodded or enlightened. He has the right to simply stand where he is at with God. Without trying to be a mother-hen, I do feel a bit protective of him, given that I have asked him to share his vulnerability with our readers. Please honour him. Honour where he’s at. And wherever it is that you are at, please focus your comments on building up, not tearing down, on blessing, not hindering.
Grace to all of us.

addressing background baggage....

One really can’t speak about “bridging the gap” between evangelical Christians and gay people without addressing the perceptions and misunderstandings surrounding ex-gay ministries. Now, some would say that we (New Direction) have no business even raising the question, given that we are a para-church organization focused on sexual identity. Some would say that we perpetuate the issues.

It may seem to be splitting hairs, though I would prefer to think of it as simply our attempt to chart our own distinct course forward, but New Direction seeks to move beyond the ex-gay label. The term ex-gay has some baggage to be sure.

Anthony Venn-Brown in this blog post asks 20 questions of ex-gay leaders. In his questions, one gets a sense of some of the complaint / critique against ex-gay leaders / ministries that continues to foster a divide. If you are a Christian with a heart to befriend your gay neighbour you will do well to acquaint yourself with some of this context. It may be behind some of the cynicism that you may encounter. I would submit that there is some learning to be had here – and hope that those who hold a more traditional view of sexual ethics will humble themselves and take the time to listen and digest.

Anthony’s questions do seem to presuppose that an ex-gay leader is male and same-gender attracted and likely now married to a woman. I suppose it is apt then, as New Direction tries to move beyond the ex-gay descriptor and be effective and useful in briding the gap, that as its leader I am not male, not same-gender attracted ….. and not married to a woman :)
Given that this is the case, I simply can’t respond to some of Anthony’s penetrating personal questions. However, I thought I’d take a stab at some of the others.

1. Do you know of anyone who was completely gay (not a bisexual) who has become completely heterosexual?

I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone was completely gay and not bisexual. Likewise, I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone had become completely heterosexual. It seems to me that at some level both realities are personal and subjective. While I have come to know sga people who report very fulfilling marriages with their opposite gender spouse (including their sexual relationship), most that I know personally are also honest and authentic about the reality of a sense of vulnerability in attractions to their own gender. At New Direction we try to foster a space where people can be honest without a sense of shame or of not measuring up. We’re comfortable with the reality that people experience diverse sexual attractions and seek to focus on encouraging people to live consistently with their beliefs and values. We recognize that ex-gay ministries have seemed to be deceptive when they put on a pedestal those who claim to have gone from gay to straight. We recognize that it has seemed the amount of healing has been exaggerated or that when asked direct questions about residual sga, responses have been evasive or misleading. In response, New Direction commits to sharing honest and authentic stories. We caution Christians to not project aspects of one person’s testimony onto every gay person they meet. And we choose to focus on an individual’s faith journey over and above their sexual orientation.

8. Even though it may not have been your experience, do you think it is possible to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship?

We understand that gay people have been often been lumped together and mischaracterized. This has contributed to the divide. I do think it is possible for someone to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship. The breakdown of relationships is sad reality that is common to the human condition. There are promiscuous gay people and there are promiscuous straight people. We don’t find it helpful to speak of the gay lifestyle – because for 100 gay people you may well encounter 100 different lifestyles. We encourage people to get to know each individual personally before making assumptions about their beliefs and values or the manner in which they live their life.

16. When Exodus commenced three decades ago everyone believed that you had to change your sexual orientation in order to be a Christian. Considering that there are now 100,000’s of gay Christians who have come out, live moral lives, have a strong faith and believe that God loves them just as they are, hasn’t your “ex-gay” message become redundant and obsolete?

I don’t believe that a same-gender attracted person must change their orientation to be a Christian and I do believe that God’s love is unconditional for all people. At the same time, there continue to be same-gender attracted people who believe that it is not God’s will for them to express their same-gender attraction in a sexual relationship. It is in support of these men and women that a ministry like New Direction seeks to serve. Part of that support is working to create safe places within the Christian community for them to be honest and authentic about their experiences with sga. Part of that support is helping them work through experiences of shame or fear, past hurts, patterns of addictive behaviour, and building a strong network of healthy, intimate friendships.

19. Considering the majority of “ex-gay” ministries reject the growing scientific evidence that same-sex-orientation happens prenatally through both genetic and hormonal influences, how do you respond to those who are born with gender or genital ambiguities which is obviously biological?

I seek to take a humble approach to the science around causation. We really don’t know all the details about the complex factors that may play a role in predisposing someone to experience same-gender attraction. At this point, the science around prenatal factors is compelling, though inconclusive in pinpointing determination.
I am deeply humbled by the complex realities facing intersexed individuals. My response is rooted in relationship where I seek to listen, love and serve the individual where they’re at. If invited, I would seek to gently explore beliefs, values and the implications of faith in experiencing love and intimacy in relationship. In a similar manner, I am humbled by the realities of individuals navigating transgender issues.
My prayer is that as followers of Jesus have the opportunity to engage in relationship with individuals facing these realities, we will embody the gentle, discernment of the Good Shepherd.

The Power of Presence by Brian Pengelly

This summer I attended my first gay wedding. Jon and I had been friends for 7 years, having first met while we were both part of an Exodus affiliated ministry in the States. In the years since then our lives have taken radically different paths. Two years ago he came to my wedding, flying from the Midwest to Portland, Oregon simply to be there with me on my big day. It was between the service and the reception that we sat down in a basement Sunday school room and he told me that he now had a boyfriend.

I knew then that our friendship would change. Up until that time it had been based on shared experiences and beliefs - beliefs that with the passage of time were changing for him. But I also knew that Jon was a friend that I cared deeply about and I was not going to let this hinder our friendship. So as I hugged him that day I promised him that we would always be friends.

Over the next few years we had a number of long talks, we debated theology and principles of hermeneutics, but also shared laughter and trust. We talked of our relationships and families, and even went on to be filmed for a documentary together. I watched the pain in his life as many of his Christian friends and even family members dropped out of his life.

At first I had questions about whether I should attend his wedding or not. (You can read more about my decision here) But by the time the day rolled around I had settled that in my head. I felt strongly that as a friend and as a Christ follower for me not to have gone would have sent a message of conditional love. That wasn’t what I wanted. So my goal in attending was to simply be present and show my love for Jon and Chris as openly and genuinely as I could.

The night before the wedding my wife and I were invited to a dinner and bachelor party. At the dinner I found myself in the distinct minority of being the only guy at the table there with a girl. Many there were already friends of mine, but it made me aware of what it means to be in the minority. This was especially highlighted when others turned to me and asked “So what do you do for a living anyways?” But after a few tense moments of explaining, tongue firmly implanted in cheek, that I was “in the business of forcing gay people to become straight”, people around me laughed and began to relax, and ask questions. For several of the people there, the fact that as a conservative Christian I would be willing to travel and simply be there for an event like this meant that they were willing to listen to what I had to say. And as I respectfully shared, and more importantly listened to their stories and experiences, I was able to make new friends. I even got to help a couple people see that simply because they were gay didn’t mean that Christians had to treat them like jerks.

The wedding itself was done in the Quaker tradition, with the focus on silence and collective sharing. When my time came, I spoke words from my heart. Many there knew who I was from the documentary we did together, and I knew there was some tension at what I would say. By speaking words of honest grace and love, speaking of our friendship and the good that was in the two of them even in the known tension of our differing beliefs, I believe that I acted in good faith as a friend and a Christ follower. When I finally got to Jon and Chris in the receiving line, they both hugged me and told me how grateful they were that I had come, and how much it meant to them.

And then there was an awkward moment as I had to explain to them that I could not sign the guest registry. According to Quaker tradition, all those who did so were seen as officiates in the wedding, and my own vows and conscience prohibited me from doing so. For me it was the line in the sand I couldn’t cross in good faith. But Jon just smiled. Our friendship was built on respect, and he respected my own beliefs and limitations, and valued me for who I was, even as I valued him. “I’m just glad you’re here” he told me.

As I drove home I was full of mixed emotions, happy and sad all at once. Happy for the good things happening in Jon’s life, and happy for the friendship we still shared. Sad, at the same time, for the loss of shared values and beliefs. What I appreciated most was that Jon accepted all of those feelings in me that weekend, even as I accepted him. It occurred to me on the way home how many rich and meaningful conversations I got to have that weekend and that in many ways I had gotten to minister that weekend, sharing what I believe, caring for others and more… but that if I had gone seeing the weekend as an opportunity to minister I don’t think I would have been in the right place to do so at all. In the end it was my willingness to simply be present in Jon’s life with no strings attached that allowed me to both minister to others, and in truth be ministered to by others. And that is enough.

back from vacation....

Some weeks ago I was asked a very blunt question by a gay activist. His question was, “Wendy, would you attend a gay wedding and bring a gift – or would you snub the gay wedding?” The question seemed to come a bit out of the blue, not particularly connected to the preceeding dialogue in the comments section …. but there it was in black and white waiting for my response.

Now looking back, I wish I’d thought to have been wise like Jesus – who often answered such “testing” questions with a question in return. Or I wish I’d had some revelation of just the right parable to tell in response.

But not being as wise as Jesus, I’m not sure I could have come up with a question in response that wouldn’t have just seemed evasive and gutless. And man, where is a good parable when you need one? Instead, partly impulsive and partly with a commitment to engaging with authenticity, I decided to answer the question directly.

I responded and said, “I would go to a close friend’s gay wedding and yup, I’d bring a gift. I know that all of my close friends know what I believe about sexual ethics and would not assume my beliefs had changed but that my attendance was a sign of my love and friendship. I’m sure I would get some serious flack for this decision - but at the end of the day, I believe loving people is what God asks of me.”

I suppose at the time I was most thinking of gay and lesbian people (if anyone at all) reading my response. And despite what could be read as a flippant tone in my response, this is a question and a scenario that I have given much thought and prayer to. My focus in responding to the question was seeing an opportunity to build a bridge and to give a practical example of unconditional love in action. Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional approval.

Joe Dallas in his book, “When Homosexuality Hits Home” speaks about both conscience and comfort needing to be considered when making decisions about engagement with those with whom we hold disagreements – about homosexuality or really any other number of issues. And different people have different sensitivities in terms of their own conscience and their own comfort levels.

In I Corinthians chapter 8 Paul speaks about the issue of food being sacrificed to idols – and he explains that some people could go ahead and eat such food with the understanding that there is no power behind it …. while others with a weaker conscience were best to stay away from such meat. Then he goes on to say, “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.”

And here is the dilemma. I am very comfortable around gay and lesbian people – no problem there. In looking at my own conscience, I have a secure sense of peace that God knows my heart in intentionally extending love and friendship to my gay neighbours and that attending any celebratory event of a gay couple or family would be an expression of that love and friendship. I am reminded in Luke 15 of the parable Jesus tells of leaving the 99 sheep (in the open country none-the-less where they could wander off, be attacked by wolves etc.) to go and search for the one who was lost. I want my presence in my friendships with the gay people in my life to sing with the presence of Jesus – so that if they don’t know him, they might encounter him – and if they do know him, that they would be encouraged in their relationship with him.

And so while I read Paul’s words – and would not want my actions or decisions to be a stumbling block to any other follower of Jesus (though, I hardly think that my willingness to attend a gay wedding is going to suddenly open the flood-gates of Christians showing up at the best decorated wedding receptions in the land) ….. I have to say that the words of Jesus are trump for me. I certainly do not seek to intentionally offend or scandalize other believers. But at the end of the day, they can go and find like-minded believers to hang out with and be encouraged by. God has called me to befriend and love my gay neighbours – and I will seek to love them with as robust a love as I can offer.

Truth is, this isn’t theoretical stuff for us at New Direction. These are real life decisions we need to prayerfully discern. And as Brian shares in the next post the practical out-working of such a decision, we pray that the fruit of our discernment and love will be evident for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. In the end, whether you agree or disagree, we will seek to embody the presence of Jesus in all of the unique and particular places God calls us to – and encourage you to do the same in your own circles of influence.

More new direction .....

The wonderful thing about a blog is that it provides a forum for the development of thought. Blog posts aren’t published research, they aren’t the final say, they don’t presume to have the complete answer ….. at least mine don’t. Rather, they are a space for reflections, wonderings, exploring, and sometimes testing the waters. They are a space for learning, grace, humility and growth. (And it should be said, that it is equally hoped that those who engage with this blog will keep arrogance and nastiness packed away – especially those who name the name of Jesus).

I recently sat with the chair of the board for New Direction. John is a delightful combination of wisdom and wonder wrapped up together. I always feel safe while pushing the envelope in conversation with him. He’s a philosopher, a theologian, a teacher, an artist (though he would say he mainly hangs out with artists through his work with Imago) …. He thinks deeply, loves freely and is the kind of mentor who allows you the liberty to be fully yourself.

As we talked about the way forward, we began to talk about systems. I have been intrigued and engaged in the conversations about the structures and systems that undergird the gathering of God’s people we call the church.

This blog is an example of some of this conversation. As I ponder the implications of the church functioning as an organic or living system, I can’t help but apply these thoughts to the very unique work God has called New Direction to. What would it look like for New Direction to resist being an institutionalized, self-preserving, ‘closed’ if-you-will system?

We’re not a community per sae – rather we are a facilitator, a catalyst, hopefully a subversive presence within a larger system and community that begets a movement. A movement of thought, language and most importantly relationships that reflect the good news of Jesus Christ in reaching and engaging those affected by diverse sexual identities.

At the center of this movement is Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ at the center of our reality, our humanness, our pain. Jesus Christ liberating us to be our true selves, without hiding, without pretending or posturing. Jesus Christ offering resurrection newness. Jesus Christ source of all hopefulness, source of all life. Jesus Christ in us.

So what would an organic, living system look like for a ministry addressing issues of sexual identity?

I’d been wrestling through writing this post when a friend, Bill Kinnon, connected me with Brad Sargent. Now Brad ironically used to work for Exodus as their resource and publication specialist. Brad is super smart – like I seriously need a Tylenol to read through his blog…. But I was so delighted to discover that Brad is really smart at evaluating systems, paradigms, and models …. And that he has been intimately involved in the missional conversation. And as I read through some of his stuff, it again helped me wrestle with articulating the kind of system that New Direction is seeking to embody. In an email Brad said, "I like your approach: discipleship, welcoming and transforming - not rejecting and condemning, or welcoming and affirming. You've chosen the harder, more paradoxical road, but one that brings more possibilities for true, deep, and lasting impact through the dynamic tensions of listening, learning, and loving ... without compromising truth." Thank you Brad!

Perhaps it is a bit easier to start with describing the kind of closed system that we’re trying to avoid (some might even say emerge from).

We don’t want to be about maintenance – just preserving the status quo (“This is the way we do it. This is the way it has always been done.”) instead of pressing forward with redemptive imagination and creativity.
We don’t want to be in a defensive posture – focused more on preventing opposing views from gaining ground than creating and nurturing a place of renewal and hope.
We don’t want to be a system of control – focused on censorship or keeping everyone ‘in line’ with a rigid legalism rather than risking entrusting people to Christ.

John made the observation that New Direction seeks to engage people not as a “problem to be solved” but with “potential to be empowered”. This is huge isn’t it? People who experience same-gender attraction aren’t a problem to be solved – they are a beloved child of God in whom there is potential to live in relationship with God as a co-heir with Christ. But it does beg the question – how much of Christian ministry approaches a same-gender attracted person as a problem to be solved / fixed / cured….

Empowering potential is much more nebulous. Much more unpredictable. It isn’t about control, or holding onto power – it is about letting go of control and giving power away. It means resolutely refusing to be coercive in someone’s life. It means that sometimes there is a lot of pain and disappointment.

But it also means there is hope. It means there is potential to operate in the freedom and joy of resurrection newness.

And I think it smells a lot like incarnation.

It doesn’t mean that we avoid calling sin, sin. (discerning the right time – we do call for repentance)
It doesn’t mean that we resist being organized or excellent or stewardly (we want to be all those things).
It doesn’t mean we don’t deeply and passionately care about the outcome in a person’s life (we do – particularly expressed through ‘kick butt’ intercessory prayer).

But it does mean we humbly let God sit on the throne – not us.
It means we strive for a place of authenticity – not a veneer of spirituality.
It means we try to model our engagement after Jesus – who gave up control, divine power, and came among us to serve.
And it means we resist the quick, the easy, the consumer mentality – in exchange for the deep, abiding, transforming presence of God.

Offering hope?

OK – buckle your seatbelts…. this is going to be as close to a rant as I get.

Something’s been bugging me. Sort of like a sliver under your fingernail that you just can’t get out. It had come to my attention that a colleague had told others that “New Direction doesn’t offer hope anymore.”

Now, I’m not looking for sympathy here …. but let’s face it, New Direction deals with a pretty controversial area of ministry. It isn’t easy at the best of times to build credibility and engage pastors and local churches in our work. So, when a ministry colleague, who well knows the challenges facing a ministry like ours, takes a pot-shot at our credibility by saying ‘we no longer offer hope’…. it’s frustrating.

I wondered why this colleague didn’t call me up and say, “Hey I’ve got some concerns about the kind of language I see you using on your website – can you clarify some things for me?” Why didn’t they check out their concerns before spreading a death-knell for credibility and trustworthiness?

So the other night I had the opportunity to have a conversation with this colleague. Turns out, yes, they were concerned that we weren’t offering hope anymore. Seems their big concern was with our distinctive that we are ‘discipleship-focused, not change driven’ – that we seemed to be saying that sexual orientation change wasn’t always possible.

Now I have a bit of a track record for being candid….ok upfront ….. ok downright blunt sometimes. I asked this person if they thought every same-gender attracted follower of Jesus would become fully heterosexual. They said no. But, they said, they saw heterosexuality as part of God’s plan of redemption for people. “Everyone is on a journey towards heterosexuality”, they said, “but some people only go a little way down that road.” So then I asked about the disconnect for same-gender attracted people who don’t experience any significant change in the direction or intensity of their attractions – those who “only go a little way down the road” ….. You see, my concern is that we not set people up for a striving, good-works based gospel. My concern is that we don’t set up a system where people constantly feel like they don’t measure up, that their faith must be deficient…. where they are perpetually vulnerable to a sense of shame and condemnation for simply continuing to be same-gender attracted. This colleague agreed, that wasn’t what they wanted either ….. Then I said, “We’re offering people Jesus Christ – at the centre of their life, identity and sexuality – and Jesus is the hope of the world – how can you say that we’re not offering hope – when we’re offering people Jesus??”

Paul says, “When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling.” (I Corinthians 2: 1-3)

In our wrestling for the blessing for same-gender attracted people, we are emerging in weakness and fear and with much trembling. There is a lot we don’t know about sexual orientation. We don’t really know what causes it, exactly how and what influences it, or how to consistently or permanently affect it. Even our trained counselors are humbled in the face of the complexities and seek to minister with gentleness and discernment. We’ve seen God do amazing things in people’s lives. But is the Christian life about the amazing things God does for us? Or is the Christian life about knowing God and participating with him in his mission to restore the world to right relationship with God?

By making heterosexuality part of God’s redemption plan…. I have to wonder if it isn’t just buying in to the consumer notion of Christianity. “Being a Christian is about getting what you want.”

I just heard the news about a precious little nephew born a few weeks back. Baby John has Down’s Syndrome. Is Down’s God’s best intention for humanity? Should we all now commit ourselves to praying and fasting that God will heal baby John of the reality of his condition? Will we limit John’s experience of faith in Jesus Christ because of his Down’s syndrome?

Before I find myself in a wasp’s nest of controversy, I am not suggesting a one-to-one comparison of Down’s with the experience of same-gender attraction. What I’m simply trying to do is raise some questions about how we go about shaping our theology of redemption.

When I was in seminary, I had an important conversation with my uncle – someone I respect who has been a pastor for many years. I was struggling with a number of doctrinal issues and he said, “Wendy, I’ve always felt that the church needed to focus much more on biblical theology than on systematic theology.”

Systematic theology says, “God’s best intention for human sexual intimacy is the covenant of marriage between husband and wife. Therefore, in God’s plan of restoration and redemption, he will restore heterosexuality to those who do not naturally experience it.” Never-mind that there are deeply devoted disciples of Jesus who have prayed much, experienced much counsel and ministry, and continue to walk day-by-day in the reality of experiencing same-gender attraction.

As for me and my team at New Direction, what we do know, without a shadow of a doubt, is that Jesus Christ is the light of the world. We know he loves all people and all of creation. We know that in him we are accepted by God. We know he offers us abundant life – but that he invites us to experience that through his upside-down economy of suffering, dying to self, taking up our cross and following him. We know that we experience redemption now – as we come to experience intimate relationship with God within the perfect relationship of Father, Son and Spirit.

I don’t think the experience of same-gender attraction is immutable. There seems to be sufficient evidence of the fluidity of sexuality for at least some people to prevent us from putting anyone’s sexuality in a box. But that certainly doesn’t mean everyone’s sexuality can and will change. (ok Karen K. I got sucked in ….. I did end up touching on this question on this blog :))

I’ve heard this very same colleague say that homosexuality is not a salvation issue ….it falls under the realm of sanctification (becoming more like Jesus). Yet, when we, in humbleness, take a step back from the issue of orientation change ….. we no longer offer hope??

Galatians 5:14-16: The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

“Lord, help me to keep my eyes fixed on you – the author and finisher of our faith. Help me to trust you to guard and protect New Direction as you keep leading us to risk and serve and love gay people. And keep my heart soft, open, gracious and forgiving – it’s much easier to just be pissed off. Make me like you.”

Reaching Gay Persons for Christ: what to avoid

Timothy Kincaid is a “blogger friend” who I’ve had the privilege of engaging on a couple of different blogs: Warren Throckmorton and ExGayWatch. He regularly writes on Box Turtle Bulletin. Timothy is a gay Christian who I have found to be insightful and respectful. Timothy wrote this piece as a comment on another blog and I hope that it will be helpful to the readers of ‘Bridging the Gap’: p.s. Timothy is American - but I think us Canadians have a few take-aways here too eh?

Regarding the question as to how best reach gay persons for Christ, I’m not sure I have an answer for that question, but I do know some things to avoid if one has any real genuine desire to reach gay people for Christ:

1. Don’t demand the impossible.
Telling gay people that they shouldn’t be gay is probably going to be about as successful a witness tool as telling Asians they shouldn’t be Asian.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in orientation. Or if you think the Bible talks about behavior not identity. Or if you can reference a whole list of folks who have “walked away from homosexuality”. Or even if you believe homosexuality is nothing but an addiction, or sin, or the result of some root cause, or a lack of paternal attention, or a demonic spirit.

If you want to reach gay people, it doesn’t matter what you believe at all.
Gay people generally believe that the direction of their attractions is innate and immutable. To ask them not to be gay is, to their way of thinking, preposterous.

This is not to say that you must give up your religious convictions. But rather that you should allow God to guide others to His will.

Remember, the reason for gay persons to come to Christ is not to become un-gay or even to avoid Hell. The reason for gay persons to come to Christ is to have a relationship with God.

In my opinion the smartest response to orientation is to introduce God’s love and grace and simply say that God wants his children to grow into the life He has for them. And then let God direct them.

And if God leads some gay people to some direction other than the plan YOU have for them, well you can take it up with Him.

2. Don’t coerce conversion.
Jews today still resent the efforts of Christians to convert them in the Spanish Inquisition at the point of a sword. Gays don’t feel much different about current efforts to instill repressive and discriminatory laws. They believe that Christians only want to be kind and loving to Christian people and that they will punish you if you are not.

Let’s talk some truth.

Behind every effort to treat gay people differently in this country is language about Sin and Abomination. Gay people observe Christianity to be a threat to their freedoms and sometimes to their very lives. (Yes, some “Christians” use death language).

You may “love the sinner, hate the sin”. You may think homosexuality is a dangerous lifestyle. You may have pity for the person trapped and not want to enable their destruction. You may think that homosexuality is a cancer that will destroy the culture and the nation. You may think that this is a sin that makes God nauseous and that God will rain judgment on the nation that doesn’t harshly punish such filth.

None of that matters.
At all.

Currently, gay people experience their interaction with Christianity as being full of hatred. And the fault lies entirely with the Church (yeah, it really does).
When you seek to harm the livelihood of someone, when you tax them more, when you take away their children, when you deny their ability to serve their country, when you “would never vote for” them, when you lie about their “lifestyle”, when you make entirely bogus claims about their mortality, when you support discrimination against them in business and housing, when you pass laws to remove their health insurance. When you just treat them with contempt.

These are all things that have been done in the name of Christianity. And they are all experienced as hateful.

If you really genuinely want to reach gays for Christ, you cannot do so in a manner that looks like hatred to the people you are trying to reach. You cannot be coercive.

If you care more about reaching gays for Christ than you do about the culture war, you will give up these efforts. Because you cannot reach gays while simultaneously harming them.

And if the culture is destroyed and the nation crumbles, take it up with God. After all, He didn’t call you to protect nations but to win souls.

Conversations - not an easy ride

A day at the office ….. and two conversations are sticking with me – and it’s only 11 am.

I received an email from a friend who had been involved in a lesbian relationship over the last three years. She’d gotten to know me through New Direction and I’d met several times with her and her partner. She emailed to say that her partner had gotten together with another woman ….. and she didn’t know where else to turn, but asked me to pray for her. My heart is broken for this young woman. Her story is one of a string of rejections and abandonment throughout her childhood. I can only imagine that her heart must be fractured in a million pieces. “When one weeps, the other tastes salt”. Today, I’m tasting salt.

Another conversation came via phone when I picked up to hear a man telling me about having lived a celibate life for the last 11 years. He’d returned to church after many years away. He shared some hurtful experiences about being kicked out of churches for being gay. I shared with him some of the distinctives of New Direction – and in particular that we are discipleship-focused, not change driven. That is, we are focused on an individual’s faith journey and walk with Jesus, rather than putting the emphasis on attempting to change one’s orientation. I explained that the theology of the ministry hasn’t changed over the years – we do believe God’s best intention for sexual intimacy is within heterosexual marriage. I shared about how some people had put all their energy into trying to change their orientation and when this didn’t happen became discouraged, disillusioned …. some lost their faith altogether. I talked about helping people live consistently with their beliefs and values and being clear about realistic expectations.

Then he said, “Well, I want to change my orientation.” And then he hung up.

And now I feel like crap.
“Lord, was I listening to you?”
“Is this guy going to tell his church that New Direction no longer offers hope – like others have been saying of us?”
“Lord, will you protect this man as he pursues change – keep him close to you – whether his attractions change or not.”
“Lord, help me – to simply walk in step with you and offer up this rush of fear I feel to you.”

I believe God can do anything. But I also know, that in His mysterious ways, He does not always do everything we want or ask of him – at least not in the way we expect.
Our hope, must rest on the person of Jesus Christ. He, alone, is our sufficiency regardless of the healing we do or don’t experience.

agreeing with someone I disagree with

I am deeply saddened by the turmoil of my brothers and sisters in the Anglican Church worldwide. And I am grieved that to the public, homosexuality seems to be the ‘hot button’.

I read an article today about gay bishop Gene Robinson. This past Sunday, Gene delivered a sermon in St. Mary’s in London. It appears that he didn’t even get through his first sentence before a heckler stood up to call him a heretic. Shouting, “Repent heretic”, the man was led out of the church while the congregation sang a hymn. The article said, “A shaken Robinson called on worshippers to ‘pray for that man’ before asking aloud if a church offering ‘the bread of anxiety rather than the bread of life’ is more likely to draw souls through its doors.”

I agree.

Gene Robinson and I have a different position on sexual ethics. He and I look at Scripture differently. On some important realities, Gene and I disagree.

But when Gene says, “I think God wants us to be bold…. to take risks. I don’t think God wants us to be afraid.” I have to say, I agree.

And when Gene says that the question of homosexuality has been ‘elevated way above its place’ in a world shot through with hunger and suffering, I have to say, I agree.

And when the Toronto Star, in their analysis says, “But fear and hostility are certain to figure prominently as the gulf between Anglican conservatives and liberals widens at Lambeth”, I have to say that I grieve.

This is what the world sees. Fear. Hostility. Anger.
Robinson has received ‘credible death threats’. This ought not to be.
Whatever happened to, “And they’ll know we are Christians by our love”?

Vulnerability and Hiddenness

I’ve been pondering the power of vulnerability. Seems like an oxymoron doesn’t it? In fact, having shared some honest vulnerability with others recently, it seems quite apparent that some, if not many, view vulnerability as weakness and something to be avoided. Someone told me they were embarrassed by my vulnerability. Another said I had weak boundaries and that I was being manipulative by sharing so personally. Others just quoted bible verses to quiet the deep, personal questions I was wrestling with. Such hurtful reactions make you want to just shut up and not risk opening yourself up again. But….. as I ponder and reflect on the value of vulnerability, I feel compelled to continue to risk.

Being real simply seems non-negotiable to me. Not that I propose people spilling their guts about every little thing at all times. Don’t misunderstand me – I have Cloud and Townsend’s copy of “Boundaries” close by on my bookshelf. But like I John 1:7 reminds us, “If we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” I want to live in the light – I don’t want to pretend I’m better than I am, I don’t want to worry that if I slip up and let someone see what I’m really like I’ll be rejected, and I don’t want to have to “fake it till I make it”. My mentors remind me that not everyone can handle the “what you see is what you get” approach. That’s true. We all need discernment about what to share and when. But I think there is something life-giving and good about wanting to be known – warts and all – and experience being accepted.

Baxter Kruger says, “Genuine acceptance removes fear and hiding, and creates freedom to know and to be known. In this freedom arises a fellowship and sharing so honest and open and real that the persons involved dwell in one another. There is union without loss of individual identity. When one weeps, the other tastes salt. It is only in the Triune relationship of Father, Son and Spirit that personal relationship of this order exists, and the early Church used the word ‘perichoresis’ to describe it. The good news is that Jesus Christ has drawn us within this relationship, and its fullness and life are to be played out in each of us and in all creation.”

To know and be known is so core to being truly human, truly alive. But to be known means that we have to risk revealing who we really are.

In my work with New Direction I encounter a great deal of fear and anxiety. I encounter a lot of people doing a lot of hiding. In so many different ways I see the damaging, dehumanizing effects of this fear and hiddenness. And something in this idealistic heart of mine says, “That’s not the way it is supposed to be!” IF we really knew how to love ~ we wouldn’t need to hide from each other. IF we really knew how to be accepting ~ we wouldn’t need to invest so much energy into protecting ourselves. Ever since Adam and Eve first sinned, we humans have hidden ourselves. But IF we were really caught up in the relational reality of Father, Son and Holy Spirit we would encounter such a safe, radical place of love and acceptance that we, too, could open our hearts to love and accept with the largeness and generosity we see in God.

When I hide my true self, my vulnerability ~ I have to wonder if it is because I have not fully experienced the love of God. And when I risk exposing my true self, my vulnerability ~ I have to hope that it flows out from that place of being Loved by the Father (and not some manipulative place of neediness). The test of course, is how I react when the offering of the gift of my vulnerability is met with rejection, shame and judgment. Boy that sucks. But it is a pretty good test of how grounded, secure and known I am in the love of God. Do I want to snap back with a judgment? Do I want to “knock them down a peg or two”? (When faced with a hurt or stressor my typical response is ‘fight’ rather than ‘flight’)

When I consider Jesus I see Someone who chose to embody vulnerability. The Incarnation has vulnerability written all over it. And in this place of vulnerability he encountered rejection, shame and judgment ….. and he resisted both ‘flight’ and ‘fight’. He stayed present ~ completely secure in the love and acceptance and indwelling of the Father and Spirit. That is so where I want to be (though I so quickly fall short).

“And when you come before God… here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place where you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God and you will begin to sense his grace.” Matthew 6: 5-6 the Message

I just re-read this article about men on the ‘down-low’ in Black and Latino communities. I read Christine’s account of her Pride participation. I sat with a ministry colleague who is a married wife and mother seeking to disentangle herself from an affair with a woman. And these themes of vulnerability and hiddenness grip me.

There is a common sentiment in the Christian community that goes something like this, “There aren’t any homosexual people, there are only heterosexual people with a homosexual problem.” While I see multiple challenges with this statement, to me one of the significant ones is the hiddenness it perpetuates. “Don’t own the reality that you experience same-gender attraction – because it is just a ‘problem’ and you just need to deal with it.” “Don’t reveal that vulnerable place where it just feels like this is part of who you are – because that just perpetuates this ‘problem’ and will keep you from emerging into your true heterosexuality.”

I was recently invited to review some policy statements that a denomination is working on. The policy on homosexual conduct carried an undertone of resentment, hostility and fear towards gay people. It seemed to be far more concerned with who was “out” rather than who could be invited “in”. And I groaned under the weight of how to even begin to address such systemic attitudes. “Couldn’t they see that any same-gender attracted person reading these policy statements, even those agreeing with the basic theological beliefs about sexual ethics, would feel compelled to stay hidden, to never share the vulnerable and intimate realities they experience?”

I want to be a safe person – who offers and receives the gift of vulnerability. I want to be a safe person – because through me, I want my gay friends to encounter a safe place in the embrace of God. The God who chooses to reveal himself through vulnerability. The God who offers the kind of genuine acceptance that dispels fear and hiddenness. The God who allows us the grace and strength to stay present – open to his love – even in the face of rejection, shame and judgment from others.