Am I gay?

I encounter a lot of people who wonder why I serve with the ministry of New Direction. It is true, that historically many of the leaders in such ministries have been individuals that experience same-gender attraction. People ask, “What exactly is the connection for Wendy?”

Recently, someone assumed I held a ‘side a’ gay affirming perspective because of my openness to affirm the true Christian faith of gay-affirming Christians. This individual also took the few sentences I shared of my personal journey and assumed I was a lesbian. One of my facebook friends who is gay felt I should take that as a compliment …. though in this particular conversation it was certainly NOT intended as a compliment.

So….. am I gay? Am I same-gender attracted? Am I bi-sexual? Am I fluid in my sexuality?

There are times that I make intentional, but subtle, remarks that could lead to inference or confusion ….. for example when I say, “I’m mainly heterosexual.” Now, in part, I’m just being a bit of a wise-ass when I say that – but on the intentional side, I’m seeking to challenge the black and white notions of sexuality that many conservative Christians hold. I think it is important for those who feel they are in the ‘sexual majority box’ to reconsider that there isn’t just a “right” and “wrong” box of sexuality to put people into. I view sexuality on a continuum. And yes, there are individuals who hit the extremes on either end – but there are a whole lot of folks that land somewhere between those two poles. This continuum affects so much more than just our type of desire for genital sexual intimacy. It encompasses our spirituality, our emotions, our desire for companionship and soul-nourishing relationship. In this understanding of the fluidity of sexuality, I would be the first to say that my own sexuality is fluid. Given that I think our sexuality is, to some degree, impacted by our experiences, and given my story, that shouldn’t be a big surprise.

When I was 13, I met a new teacher at school. She was smart and seemed so confident and sure of herself. And to my utter surprise – she took an interest in me! I began to babysit for her – and we would talk and talk and talk. It seemed like for the first time in my life someone was really listening to me – really valuing my thoughts and ideas. She chose me to be in her canoe for a week long school trip. She chose me. I couldn’t believe it. And by the end of the week – it was a done deal. We were soul mates, kindred spirits, no one else understood me like she did, no one cared for me like she did ….. and though I didn’t know it at the time – I was smitten. I had allowed my heart to open up – and all the need and all the fear and all the insecurity of my whole life rushed in with the reckless hope that finally I would be loved.

This relationship lasted for nearly 10 years. By the end, I had turned my back on my family, my heritage and my church. What I didn’t know then – and could not see for many years – was that this was my initiation into what would become a life-strangling co-dependent relationship.

Wikopedia loosely defines a co-dependent person as someone who exhibits too much and often inappropriate caring for persons who depend on them.

Though the relationship was never a sexual one – as I look back it is very clear to me that had she ever introduced a sexual element, I would have been a sitting duck. I was so vulnerable during those years.

The relationship ended badly. She went through a difficult period in her life, and finally facing the extent of the unhealth of our relationship told me, “You’ve ruined my life – I don’t ever want to speak with you again.” I was devastated to the point of being suicidal. After so many years of my life being so enmeshed with hers – I didn’t know who I was, didn’t know what I believed, didn’t know where I was going ….. I was a sorry mess.

Unlike all the self-help, self-improvement stuff available – I found that I didn’t have the resources within myself to recover from this loss. This was a whole lot deeper and more entrenched than just learning to think positive thoughts. I couldn’t heal myself. I couldn’t even fully heal through loving, healthy relationships with other people – as important as experiencing community is. I needed someone bigger and more powerful, more trustworthy, more perfectly loving – someone who I could know that I know that I know loves me, won’t leave me, and sees me in a way I can’t even see myself – sees me as whole and confident – sees me as someone who can love, and contribute, and make a difference – someone who’s life matters.

I’ll never forget the first time I heard the song, “I will change your name”.

I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid

I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.

This idea – that my past was not my destiny – that who I was did not determine who I would be …. This sense of empowering healing gave me an unshakable gift of hope.

For years, I wondered why so much of my life had been swallowed up in so many years of identity confusion and unhealthy relationships – what purpose could that possibly have served? Today, I see the fingerprints of God all over my life. And I’m grateful for the way God has shaped me to embody and advocate for generous spaciousness.

But for those of you who are gay reading this, you will recognize that what I describe is quite different than the individual who persistently and pervasively experiences a gay orientation.

So, no….. I’m not gay. If I was, I would be unashamed to say so. But that is not my experience. This means I will always be limited in fully and completely understanding what it is like to stand in the shoes of a brother or sister who is gay and wrestling mightily with God to know his will for their life. This means that I try to lead with listening and to engage with humility and to love with an unconditional robustness that breaks down any sense of “us and them”.

And if people assume I’m gay because I love gay people – so be it.

Like a Weaned Child

You know those days when you just feel stressed…. Overwhelmed….?

Today was one of those days.

I follow a lot of conversations on a daily basis. I read a lot and think a lot and pray a lot – in the midst of trying to get all my New Direction work done and keeping my household with a husband and three young children from complete and utter chaos, as well as serving as an elder in my neighbourhood fellowship. Life is busy.

And today I just couldn’t shut my brain off.

First off, I encountered a couple of sites that had picked up on my “Dealing with Conflict” post ….. and they both were harsh towards Exodus IMO ….. and harsh just isn’t my style ….. it made me sad (and for inexplicable reasons triggered my not-so-latent Calvinistic guilt complex).

Later I met with a gay friend. This individual is in ministry in a conservative evangelical denomination. I respect this person’s integrity, commitment to honour Christ while navigating many questions, their love for the church, and willingness to be gracious. This person has walked in obedience. And this friend has been dealing with crap! People, who should be mature followers of Jesus, well versed in the ways of grace, have made assumptions, gossiped, reacted out of their own anxiety and fear, and forgotten that the Body of Christ is a place for all who seek Jesus and that ministry leaders are human beings not just human-doings on the church payroll. And I just felt sad and frustrated and helpless. So I tried to just listen and encourage…..

Then I was pointed to a blog conversation by a someone who wanted me to jump in. And as I scanned the numerous comments I felt my heart sink. A particularly dominant voice seemed so caustic, so certain, so loud (well at least judging by the bold and CAPS) ….. and this voice would sign off saying, “with respect…..blah, blah, blah….” And I thought to myself, “Is that respect? Really? When it is quite clear that in your mind, your way is the only way?” And I just couldn’t face engaging a conversation with those who are so certain and so confrontational.

I got about 20 emails today from people who wanted something ….. and some were so cryptic I still don’t know what they’re actually asking of me. And saying ‘no’ is hard for me.

And I just want to move to a tropical island, sit in the sun and watch the waves roll in. (But I can’t because many of them are so anti-gay that they condone hatred and violence toward glbtq people)

So why do I share all this? Just to garner some sympathy? No. I'm not looking for sympathy. I want honesty and authenticity. This blog is about bridging the gap – and the truth is that it is complex and difficult and overwhelming. And it costs us.

It means we will grieve. It means we will be overwhelmed at times – and stressed out. And I, for one, want to be very realistic about that.

It will require that we continually go back to the source of all life – Jesus Christ. Not for the perfect answer, not for the resolution to all the tension and uncertainty, not for some triumphant declaration ….. no, we go to Jesus for life.

In Christ, we begin to breathe again. We lay our racing minds and flustered emotions and weary spirits before him …. and he scoops them up so tenderly in his nail-scarred hands. And he looks in our faces with such love, such understanding – knowing it all. And he leans toward us and whispers in our ear, “Child, I’m so proud of you. Keep going. Keep loving. Keep serving. Keep hoping.” And then he breathes on us and we fill our lungs with this beautiful fragrance of all that is right and true and alive….. and in those moments our spirits are revived.


Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

When You're Told that What God Has Done Is Not Enough by Brian Pengelly

Recently I was asked to speak to a gathering of youth. The group was made up of youth from a variety of churches and denominations, and after I shared my story a number of youth and pastors came to talk with me and express how grateful they were. One woman told about having a gay brother, and how every time she mentioned him the Christians in her church became cold. Another young man came up to me with tears in his eyes, shaking visibly. He could only say “Thank-you! You don’t know how much that needed to be said” before he fled from the room.

In the hour from the end of my talk to when they locked the door, I made myself available to talk to any who wished, as well as left information about where I could be reached by email if others wished to talk more. I went home feeling tired and drained, but pleased with how things had gone.

A week later, the pastor who had asked me to come to speak forwarded an email that had been going around one of the youth groups. It was written by two leaders from that group denouncing me and my teaching. The email was long and written with a great deal of capital letters for extra emphasis. The crux of the letter was this: the authors were furious that I honestly admitted that I was still attracted to the same sex, that my sexual orientation had not changed, and that I had accepted that, in all likelihood, my experience of same-gender attraction would continue to be my reality for the rest of my life.

To these leaders, this honest story of who I was and what I was experiencing was threatening and dangerous. They apologized to their youth for bringing them to hear it. They made it clear to their youth that they did not believe God would allow anyone to continue to be attracted to the same sex if they really wanted to change. To them, what I had shared about what God had done in my life simply wasn’t enough.

The authors then went on to say:

"God did not make us depressed, or suicidal, or full of sickness in our bodies. God did not make homosexuals. We have done it to ourselves. At some point in each of our lives doors open to the demonic, whether by our own decisions or by the devil planting someone in our paths to set a trap. The outcome of each trap is determined by our decisions, or if we are children, our parents decision of how to handle each situation.“

It became clear to me that these youth leaders had bought into a stream of theology often known as Word of Faith theology. They believed that God has promised to heal every area of a believer’s life right now and given them the authority to command that healing into existence. Because of this, my testimony was a great threat to them because God had simply not done enough in my life. Despite the fact that I could testify that I had not been in a relationship with another male since high school, despite the fact that I was able to enjoy a happy marriage to a woman, despite the fact that God had clearly been using me in ministry for over a decade….my testimony was not acceptable because God had not completely taken away my attraction to men.

There are many doctrines which I disagree with and can simply agree to disagree with people about. But I feel the need to speak up against Word of Faith theology because I have seen first hand the damage that it has caused to me and many others. The authors assumed that because I was telling my story and had my experiences, I had never confessed my sin or had prayer ministry to cast out the demons in my life that may have entered because of being abused. In fact they were so bold as to write:

"Had at any time in Brian’s life he cried out to God and taken his authority that he has been given as a believer and told his body "IN JESUS NAME I AM NOT GAY AND GOD DID NOT MAKE ME GAY AND I WILL NOT HAVE HOMOSEXUAL TENANDANCIES ANYMORE", and then taken his mind captive when ever those thoughts came in, Brian most likely would not struggle with this anymore. Had he at anytime repented of that initial time when he was in the library and he spoke out I am gay, and then asked God to forgive him for all the rest of the times that he has thought thoughts or acted in a homosexual manner, asked God to forgive him for that initial self cursing and THEN had the spirit of sexual perversion cast out of him, Brian most likely would not still struggle with this sin."

The truth is that I once attended a youth group where they taught such things, and believing that they were true, I did go forward to the altar, confess these very sins, and pray that very prayer meaning it with every cell of my body. I believed that God would heal me.....and then he didn't. When it didn't happen I was told it was because I lacked enough faith, or I was doing something wrong. The message I received was that it was my fault. And yet I knew in my heart that I had prayed with all the faith that I had and could do no more. When I said this, I was rejected by that group. I spent years believing that lie, that it was my fault and I just wasn't good enough to make it all go away. As I grew older and studied the Bible I came to realize that this was a false teaching and turned away from it. But that teaching left me in shame and despair for years of my life.

Sadly, I have seen many of my same-gender attracted friends buy into this thinking and go on even longer believing that it is their fault that their orientation hasn’t changed. And I have watched the effects that it has on them. The inevitable result of this kind of belief, when their orientation doesn’t change, is self hatred. Many of those friends fell into depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. When this happened, once again, they were told that those were signs of their own lack of faith, and instead of offering help they were shamed even more. So what most of them learned to do is to simply pretend that everything was okay and that their orientation had changed because that was the only thing that was acceptable. Several of them got married as a way of claiming their healing, and every single one of them are now divorced leaving hurt spouses and children in their wake.

The leaders who criticized me lumped attraction to the same sex, depression, suicidal thoughts and physical sickness as all being the same. (Something that my gay friends find incredibly insulting.) Yet even if you accept that they are the same, Jesus warned about making assumptions about the causes of people’s physical sickness like the leaders in this letter did. (Read John 9:2-4 or Luke 15:1-5 for examples of this) Further the teaching that children are punished for the sins or spiritual practices of their parents (often called generational curses) is highly problematic. Many Christian teachers have quoted Exodus 20:5 to support this belief, but they tend to fail to take into account that in Jeremiah 31 in the new covenant God promises NOT to do this any more. (Jer 31:28-30)

There has also been a sad legacy within the ex-gay movement of using this kind of teaching to burden parents as being at fault for their children’s sexual orientation. I do not know how many times over the years I heard about generational curses, mixed in with some pop psychology to explain the fact that I was attracted to men. My own story does include significant perceived rejection from my father. But the truth is that causation of sexual orientation is incredibly complex and that there is no good evidence to link it to parental behaviour. In fact, several of my best gay friends had wonderful relationships with their parents. But because of this kind of teaching, I have met with more parents than I can count who blame themselves for their children’s sexual orientation. I have listened to them as they examined every little thing they did or said in their lives wondering where they had spoken curses over their children!

When taken to its worst form, Word of Faith doctrine takes this blaming to the extreme of blaming parents whose children get sick. One of my best friends in the world had her two year old son die suddenly of a brain aneurysm caused by a rare genetic disorder. She was attending a church where many people had bought into this type of thinking and thus when faced with the horror of a dying child, their theology only allowed them to blame the parent. As a result my friend, in a time of great pain and hurt, was told that it was her fault that her son had died, because she had not prayed enough for him.

When I was in high school the teaching of Word of Faith theology held great appeal to me because they promised me a quick and easy solution to what I saw as the problem in my life. But since then I have matured both in my understanding of myself and my understanding of Scripture. While Scripture does tell many stories of healing, there are many other stories where healing does not occur. Paul’s story of the thorn in his flesh in 2 Corinthians is one that has been of great comfort to me. The books of Job and Ecclesiastes both wrestle with the reality of suffering in the world and both settle without formulaic answers only mystery. Job’s prayer “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away blessed be the name of the Lord” is one that I have prayed many times over the years. The Bible is not afraid of a God that does not heal everything on demand. It embraces this mystery, and if our own theology is not big enough to grasp this, then our theology is too small.

I have found a place of peace and acceptance for the reality of my life. I am still attracted to men. Because of my understanding of Scripture I choose not to act on those attractions. I have asked God to take them away, in His grace and goodness he has chosen not to. I am fine with that. I know that the people who wrote the letter against my teaching mean well. They mention in it how God has done miraculous things in their own life, and I am not here to dispute their claims. But taking one’s own experience and universalizing it can cause great harm. I thank God for what he has done in my life, but I do not assume that it will be the same story other same-gender attracted people experience or if they do not get married like I have that they lack an amount of faith that I have. I receive my relationship with my wife as gift.

To those who take offense to my story, I can only say “this is what God has done in my life.” I will respectfully refuse to be judged by you, and I will keep telling my story to as many youth as I can so that they know that if they happen to be attracted to the same sex it IS NOT their fault, and that God is not angry at them or waiting for them to invoke the magic formula to heal them. God loves them and is present with them whether their attractions change or not. Having walked that journey myself I know that young people who are wrestling with the questions of faith and sexuality have enough to deal with already without being told their orientation is their fault or easily changed.

Jesus once admonished the Pharisees for “loading people down with burdens, but not lifting one finger to help lift them.” I believe that Word of Faith teaching does this very thing to those who continue to have same sex attractions. I believe that as Christians we need to stand against this distortion of Scripture. We need to genuinely listen to the stories of our brothers and sisters when they tell us that sincere prayer does not magically take it away, and find ways that we as a Christian community can come around and support them as they seek to walk out lives in a way that honours God. We need a spirit that celebrates what God has done, rather than demand what he has not.

Trust Issues

I would be the first to say that I have struggled with trust issues all my life. My mother died when I was 18 months old – and anyone who is at all familiar with Erik Erikson’s stages of development will know that this is the pivotal time when trust develops. My trust mechanisms were significantly disrupted. Add to this a string of painful experiences in my life – most significantly a nearly 10 year relationship with an older woman that was deeply co-dependent and ended with her traumatic rejection of me …. and bingo …. you’ve got some big time trust challenges.

Now the beautiful thing about being in relationship with One who redeems, restores and heals, is that God has done a lot in my life to compensate for the wounds and hurts. As I’ve matured, I’ve learned to discern and have the courage to take risks in the trust department. But after many, many years of working on my “stuff”, I think part of my serenity is accepting that the deficits in my life that impact my ability to trust will likely never be completely 100% erased this side of heaven.

This was poignantly brought home to me again this past week when my husband and I went to see “The Reader” with Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes. In the story, a young boy becomes involved with an older woman. She disappears abruptly from his life without any explanation ….. and as the story unfolds we see a boy become a guarded, distant man – whose marriage crumbles, who takes lovers without emotional involvement, and whose relationship with his daughter is haunted by an inability to deeply connect. I saw myself in this character. In my post-film reflections I had much to be grateful for – a keen sense of “but for the grace of God in my life ……” At the same time, it also gave rise to connecting again with a sense of grief for things that had been taken from me, the hurts I did not seek, nor deserve….. and for the hurts that I have caused by the walls and inaccessibility of places in my heart – even to myself.

I take comfort, of course, in knowing that God isn’t finished with me yet. He is still restoring the broken places in my heart. He hasn’t given up on my marriage. And He continually blesses and restores me as I love my children.

But as both an introvert and a wounded soul, I regularly come face to face with my limitations in staying deeply connected to people beyond my most intimate circle of family and friends. It isn’t that I don’t want to love well. Sometimes I’m just not sure how to do so with so many different people who connect with me. I value relationships so much – but I face my finite supply of emotional energy all too often. And if I’m honest, sometimes I just feel uncertain about navigating all the different boundaries that my very eclectic and diverse assortment of personal connections require.

Navigating these kinds of realities is hard work. It requires the discipline of staying self-aware, growing in discernment, taking risks, forgiving yourself, extending grace to yourself and others.

I’ve seen some of this struggle at work in the aftermath of our decision to leave Exodus. There are many individuals who would point to their past involvement with New Direction as a hurtful, harmful experience. People speak of feeling ‘forced’ to live a lie, to live inauthentically. They share of raw experiences with deep depression and suicidal ideation. These are painful stories to encounter. My heart aches and wants to reach out, build a new relationship, listen well, grieve together, and look to the hope God is holding out for today and the future. I cannot undo the past. I cannot control people’s experience as they engage New Direction – neither past, nor present, nor in the future.

What I can do is commit to do everything I can to be part of creating a generous spaciousness where people can encounter the love of God and really wrestle to own their own beliefs and values and decisions. I can do my best to love well – knowing I will fall short and disappoint people. And I can commit to honesty, transparency and vulnerability.

But the truth is, not everyone wants to go have coffee with me. Not everyone is ready to risk engaging again. And I totally get that. It’s a trust thing. And I get the trust thing.

And the only way the trust thing will cease to be a barrier is through patient, consistent, integrity in living out our commitments to truly be a support and encouragement to gay people in their search for God in a non-patronizing, non-coercive manner.

And even then ….. it takes two to tango.

And I know that sometimes it is just too painful, too scary, and demanding of too much energy to tango.

I know and it is OK.

But know that you are loved. Your pain is grieved and repented for. And Jeremiah 29:11 is prayed over you: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

And if you ever come to the place where you consider having a coffee – the Chai tea is on me.

Grace and peace,
wendy

Staying True to Convictions

Below is a letter I wrote in response to an old friend who is committed to living a celibate life. I'm posting an edited version of it because it seems to be a query that I am hearing more and more often...

"I have had conversations with a number of 'side B' same-gender attracted people - those who hold to a conservative understanding of sexual ethics - who have also expressed some frustration / concern with how to interact with 'side A' gay Christians - including the times they find themselves in the same church. This can be a difficult situation - and I can empathize with the different tensions that result.

I think we will increasingly see in the church that homosexuality is viewed as a disputable matter. More and more I think there will be an acceptance of the reality that people of good Christian faith come to different conclusions on this interpretive issue. For myself, I have been stretched a lot in the last number of years. I continue to be influenced and impacted by the Creation account and my sense of God's best intentions for human sexuality. But, like you, I have encountered others who come to different conclusions - and they have a very genuine faith. This disconnect can be anxiety producing and threatening - and this is especially so when it is a personal reality, struggle and journey.

A few things I would offer .....

1. You need to own your convictions. This requires great maturity. You must live your life in alignment with what you really believe to be true - even if you find yourself increasingly faced with others who have made different choices. It is a different situation - but there are some similiarities. I have been married for 14 years. It has often been a very difficult marriage. For a variety of reasons it is often a lonely and painful place - for both of us - despite our best intentions. All around me there are people who are encouraging me to seek a divorce. And I know a lot of divorced Christians who love God, some who have remarried and are very happy in their new marriage. This can cause me to wonder why I should continue to be faithful in my marriage - given some of the hurts that happen. But at the end of the day, I need to make my decision to stay faithful in my marriage based on what my convictions are. And I continue to believe that God will be faithful to us, that he will be sufficient, that suffering is a normal part of the Christian life, that God will help me and provide for me as I stay true to my vows.

2. Be alert to the temptations to bitterness and blaming. This may require great discipline to continue to forgive, release, bless and love others - including the gay couples in your church.

3. Don't be afraid. God is with you. He is leading you. Don't worry about whether you will change your convictions. Don't worry about disappointing God. Don't fear making the wrong decision. When we give energy to worry and fear - the enemy has a foothold. Fear and love are like oil and vinegar. If you spend energy worrying and afraid that you will not be able to maintain a celibate life - you will be distracted from that which will actually strengthen you to stay true to your convictions regardless of what others are doing. What will actually strengthen you in your convictions is to be focused on God's love for you. Instead of being afraid that you will disappoint God if you change your views - focus on the Father's extravagent love for you - no matter what. Even if your views changed, or if you had a same-sex sexual relationship - God the Father loves you. You don't have to be afraid. As you rest in this love, as you refuse to give fear a foothold, you will actually be more free to stay true to your convictions.

4. Be alert to the core temptations common to all humanity. The desert fathers and mothers talked about the 8 bad thoughts as the root of all sin and seperation from God. We often think of them as the 7 deadly sins ..... but I think it is actually more helpful to view them as the 8 temptations. Lust, gluttony, laziness, indifference, pride, greed, envy, anger. I would encourage you to find some helpful and encouraging resources to help you focus on growing in mastery over these temptations. Kathleen Norris has a new book called "Acedia and Me" (acedia is the temptation to 'indifference') .... it is a wonderful read that is practical, encouraging, realistic, and solid. Another very good read is Jean Vanier's "Becoming Human".

5. Stay connected to the people and things that bring you joy.

6. Watch for a rebellious spirit that wants to eradicate suffering. Suffering is a normal part of the Christian life.

7. Nurture a sense of fulfillment in your own spirit from the choices you have made.

8. Watch your own levels of anxiety. Practise good self-care so that anxiety doesn't become a dominating reality.

I share these things, in part, out of my own difficult journey of seeking to remain faithful to what I believe to be true - when many others around me think my staying true is silly or unnecessary or based in fear.
I want my life to be motivated by love - but the reality is that is hard work.

I hope that is somewhat helpful.

It was great to hear from you and I pray that you will experience great shalom in your walk with Christ, your friendships and relationships, in your work and that you will know great joy.

blessings,
wendy

Bridge-Building & Vulnerability by Brian Pengelly

I rarely get nervous about public speaking. Since I was young I have been a natural at being on stage in front of people. Even talking about something as personal as my own sexuality is usually fine with me since I have been doing it for years now. But the opportunity of speaking at the Canadian Youth Workers Convention was a truly nerve wracking experience.

Part of my nerves came from the fact that I only had eighteen minutes in which to talk. Fitting the complexities of my story into an hour is daunting at times, eighteen minutes seemed impossible. I worried that I would have just enough time to offend everyone there, and not enough time to have people grapple with the nuances of my position. It’s one thing to tell people that you are a “gay, conservative evangelical, youth pastor married to a bi-sexual woman” it’s an entirely different thing for people to grasp what that actually means to me.

My friends were all very encouraging to me. “Be yourself!” they said. But that was the real scary part. What if I was myself, and people didn’t like me? Being yourself is a pretty vulnerable thing. It gives people a power over you - a power to hurt you. When you don’t care about others then you can handle rejection much better. But I did care about the people at this convention. They were people like me: youth workers who put up with bad pay and ridiculous demands because they love teens and love Jesus. And I knew that in that audience over two dozen denominations were being represented, from the very liberal to the very conservative. I knew that there would be youth pastors there who struggle with their same sex attractions, and pastors who were openly and comfortably gay.

Whatever I said I wanted more than anything for each of those pastors to go home feeling safe and respected. So I made myself very vulnerable as I spoke. In listening to the recording of it I can hear the tremble in my voice as I shared my own journey and many of the places where I was deeply hurt growing up when I shared about my sexuality.

Then I called for all the people there, wherever they are on the theological perspective, to agree to a few things. First, that no youth should have to fear for their safety the way I did because they are working through these questions (whichever way they eventually go). Secondly, that as we disagree with each other theologically we remember that the worst thing we could say about each other is that we are enemies. Yet Christ called us to love our enemies. So it is imperative that we treat each other with dignity, respect and love. And finally, to remember humility - because Christian history is full of examples of Christians boldly proclaiming what they believed to be the truth with the generations after them discovering that they were wrong.

When I finished speaking I was overwhelmed by the positive response from the audience. I received a standing ovation, which is certainly not something I have received often, and unheard of in my experiences attending this conference. Afterwards many people came to talk to me, and the thing that they said over and over was that it was my vulnerability that had really challenged them to rethink things.

I received an email later on that week from someone in the audience, a youth pastor like myself with a theologically conservative position, but who cared deeply for several gay friends, one of whom was another pastor at the conference. He wrote:

“I have to admit I was scared to death when you were giving your talk. I was scared for my friend that she was going to get hurt again, that she would leave defeated and angry. She get's enough crap from our people and it would just be so frustrating to see her get kicked again. Then when you were speaking I was scared for you. I've been around the youth work block a few times, I know what the guys especially are like, and I though, oh geez, don't show too much, don't let them get too much. Turns out I was blindingly wrong on both counts. Your piercing vulnerability broke down those walls and prejudices and rhetoric. How can you look at a living, breathing vulnerable person and still spit in their face. I know people still do, but it's way harder! So thank you. You have been a bridge, you are a bridge, and while everyone coming up and telling you how great and brave you are is overwhelming and nice in the moment, at some point you will have to wade back in to the struggle of regular life as we all do, and I hope that you know that you gave me hope in a totally different way.”

On reflection, I see that bridge building is an inherently vulnerable thing. You are putting yourself in the middle, and that means you often get caught in the cross fire. It is much easier to pick your side, hunker down in your theological trench and not care about those on the other side. But when we risk being vulnerable, to actually take the time to know and care about others, though we risk rejection, it is in that vulnerability that God’s grace shows up and does miraculous things.

The miracle in this situation is that the friend, who had publicly stated earlier her displeasure with me being there as a speaker, came and apologized to me. “I walked by your booth all through this conference and kept my distance, and then here you were and you honoured me with your talk. I am sorry.” It took vulnerability for her to come and hear me speak. It took humility for her to come and apologize. But that evening I stayed up late into the evening talking with her and her wife, sharing stories, laughing and getting to know each other. Our theologies are still different, but the distrust between us is replaced with friendship and a desire to know and understand each other better.

Choosing to care, and to make yourself vulnerable is a scary thing at times, but when we do it, we walk in the footsteps of a Saviour who was not content to leave us as enemies, but instead chose to make himself vulnerable, even to death on a cross. The conference weekend was an example of what the Spirit does when we are willing to step out. Some days I get tired of constantly putting myself out there, and the backlash that happens when I do. But weekends like that remind me why I do it, and give me the courage to go on.

Synergy and Diversity

My family and I moved last week. We had decided to downsize. We wanted to free up income to be more generous in the lives of others. We wanted to simplify our lives. We wanted to be more intentional in community, in our neighbourhood. Seemed like a pretty good idea ….. but then our house didn’t sell. For four months. And the market went into the toilet. And we took possession of the townhouse we’d purchased. And instead of freeing up income, it felt like we were bleeding money paying for two houses. It was really, really stressful. And there were moments where I felt like I couldn’t stand the uncertainty of it all for one more minute.

Now we are in the midst of the normal chaos that accompanies moving – trying to get settled. And you’d think that I’d feel really relieved that our house finally sold and that we’ve finally moved …. But to be honest, I still sort of feel like I’m holding my breath, still feel a little stressed and ragged around the edges. And I’m still basically just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. Step-by-step. Grateful to at least be moving forward.

Change is hard. Emerging out of a season of stress and challenge is tough.

So why am I sharing all of this on this particular blog? This blog isn’t about me afterall.
But it is about honesty. It is about transparency and vulnerability and engaging in transition and growth. These things are critical if we have any hope of bridging the gap to befriend those who differ from us.

Bridging the gap requires us to stay present in the uncertainty. It requires us to be willing to be uncomfortable. It demands that we open ourselves up to change - perhaps not theological change - but attitudinal change, relational change, engagement change.

Lately, I’ve been speaking about paradigmatic change - about the shift from an old paradigm through a period of early transition to late transition into a new paradigm.

Whether we like it or not, our context is changing. The old paradigm of Christian attitudes toward homosexuality was basically black and white: "gay people are an abomination and they are going to hell". As culture began to change and gay people began to share their stories, some began to make an early transition towards a new paradigm. And some began to suggest that gay people weren’t carte blanche an abomination – there was a differentiation between orientation and behaviour. Some said gay people weren’t an abomination – but they were disordered and could be easily cured. People in Christian circles talked about choice – with the assumption that same-gender attracted people could just choose to re-order their sexuality. Transition continued, more narratives emerged – including the stories of those who unsuccessfully tried to change their orientation – and some people began to say that orientation is not chosen and not easily changed. More stories emerged of gay Christians who believed that God invited them to express their sexuality in monogamous partnerships.

In the midst of all of this transition, there has been a lot of stress. And for some, a lot of uncertainty. In general, people do not deal with stress and uncertainty very well – so there has been a lot of fear and anger too.

And whether we like it or not, we find ourselves in the midst of a new paradigm. And we live in the reality of many diverse responses.
• Some people still believe gay people are an abomination and are going to hell. Thankfully most Christians cringe at this response.
• Some people continue to believe that homosexuality is like a disease and can be easily cured – though current research does not support this.
• Some people understand that same-gender attraction is a reality that some people will live with throughout their life. They believe Scripture does not endorse same-gender sexual intimacy. They recognize that while some people experience sufficient fluidity in their sexuality to be able to authentically enter heterosexual marriage, this is not the dominant experience. For the majority of same-gender attracted people they believe that celibacy is the only God-honouring option. They may question whether anyone who holds a more gay affirming perspective is really a Christian. And they may likely have a real problem acknowledging gay Christians who are in relationship with a same-gender partner.
• Some people see the reality of same-gender attraction in people’s lives, consider God’s concern that “it is not good for man to be alone”, and seek to support sga people in experiencing healthy intimacy through non-sexual covenantal friendships or intentional communal living.
• Some people encourage gay people to be chaste until marriage (where same-sex marriage is legal) and to find and commit to a life-long partner. Some are respectful and accepting of those who hold more conservative views – some less so.

In a time of transition, it has been suggested that there is a need for a synergy among diverse responses. In the culture wars of the last generation we have seen plenty of evidence of a lack of synergy in diversity. But increasingly the next generation is impatient with this lack of synergy. Not all young people are stereotypically liberal in their theology of sexual ethics – but many are unwilling to perpetuate a sense of enmity between diverse responses.

I recently interviewed Tony Campolo for this “Bridging the Gap” project. Tony said this, “There is a multiplicity of answers to the question, and in the world that we’re moving to, we’re going to have to face that reality. I spoke at a youth convention of a very significant denomination in the US. The convention of 5000 youth were meeting simultaneously to the adults going through evaluating the rules and regulations of the church. And they came out with a very strong statement towards gays and lesbians, saying they would never accept gay marriage. Word drifted over to this youth convention, which was right next door. And they put their own statement together saying that, “We are not going to make a strong statement on this. We are going to be open to a variety of answers, and we don’t like that you have come down so strong with one answer. And the last thing we want to say is it’s not that long of a time before all of you will be dead.” Young people are not thinking the same way as the older people are on this. And they are not necessarily liberal. They are very conservative in many circles, it’s just that young people have reached a point where they see something transcending above this issue, and it’s the love for Christ that transcends that issue.”

The question as we continue to move forward, perhaps simply able to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, is: How do we bridge the gap between those we disagree with? (Because let’s face it, the multiplicity of responses isn’t going to magically go away.)

A few (incomplete) thoughts:
• Let’s be honest – this can be hard. It can be stressful. It can make us anxious. Breathe in and breathe out. Put one foot in front of the other. Stay present in the uncertainty.
• All of the tension that can accompany this transition is worth it for the sake of our gay brothers and sisters. Honouring them is more important than our own comfort (regardless of where you land on the theological spectrum).
• In times of transition we need to be reminded to represent Jesus well. Some of the harsh, fearful, critical, demeaning comments that are directed at people with whom there is a disagreement do NOT reflect the character of Christ.
• We need to take the time to really hear people – and to hear people, we need to be in relationship with people. Without relationship it is far too easy to be reactively judgmental or stuck in the theoretical.
• Being in respectful, gracious relationship with people with whom we disagree honours Christ who continually called his followers to love their enemies.
• Being in relationship with people with whom we disagree affords the opportunity for us to grow and mature in the fruits of the Spirit.
• In the midst of such paradigmatic change we have the opportunity to be like Jesus, who chose to humble himself, empty himself, divest himself of the dominant, power position …. We, too, can choose to be the servant of another – including those with whom we may disagree.

And when all of this change brings moments where we feel like we just can’t stand the uncertainty of it all for one more minute, we have the opportunity to go to the foot of the cross, gaze into the face of Jesus, rest at his feet, listen for his voice, and be filled with his love, patience, strength, courage and grace to keep moving forward – one step at a time.

Grace & Coming Out

This past Saturday was “National Coming Out Day.” Several blogs that I follow had poignant first-person accounts of the sense of relief and congruity that an individual can feel once they disclose to the people they care about the most the reality of their same-gender attraction.

For those of us who are straight, and don’t spend a whole lot of time processing, wrestling, hiding, or managing our heterosexuality, I think there will always be a gap in our understanding of what it is like to be persistently same-gender attracted – particularly within the Christian community. We might like to try to step into a gay person’s shoes – but at the end of the day – I think we can’t really fully grasp the multi-layered complexities of the process of discovery and coming out.

A few of years ago I attended a conference that gathered same-gender attracted Christians of varying perspectives. I intentionally chose to fly under the radar – to attend as a “normal Jane” (which in this situation meant that most people simply assumed I was gay). For two and a half days, I chose to set aside some of my most significant identifiers – wife, mother, New Direction leader. I found it exhausting. I had to be constantly vigilant. It took a lot of energy to watch what came out of my mouth particularly when meeting new people (which I did a lot of) – because those identifiers were so ingrained as part of my “get to know me” script. As I reflected on that conference experience, I think one of the things God wanted me to experience, albeit in a very limited fashion, was the burden of hiding significant parts of your identity. Being a wife or a mom or a ministry leader doesn’t define me, but they do describe very important parts of me. And keeping those identifiers under wraps was really hard – I felt diminished in some way – even though I was the one who had chosen to do so. God birthed a deeper empathy in me that weekend – for which I’m very grateful.

So I have a different take on “National Coming Out Day” than I used to. I’m not threatened by it anymore. I still hope that young kids don’t label themselves too prematurely. And I still pray that those who come out as gay will make wise decisions about faith, community and relationships. But I’m better prepared to understand that coming out, in and of itself, is really just about being honest, being authentic, no longer hiding.

“National Coming Out Day” coincided with a major holiday – Thanksgiving – here in Canada. That meant that when I came to the office this morning I had the opportunity to field some calls from some parents whose kids had disclosed their sexual identity to them over the weekend. Some were shell-shocked. Some had a thousand questions. Some were grieving. I’m delighted to say that none were angry or horribly freaking out (we’ve had those in the past too).

The thing about coming out is that the gay person has had years to prepare for that moment – the loved ones, even if they had some inkling in the past – may be caught off guard.

When we gather parents together for a supportive place of sharing and prayer, this is what I say:

• This is a safe place to process all the complex emotions that may come with your child’s disclosure.
• We won’t make any assumptions about you except for one: that you are here because you love your child.
• Our focus is on coming to a place of acceptance where you are free to love unconditionally and where you are best positioned to be useful to God in his pursuit of your child.
• This is NOT about:
o fixing your child
o fixing you
o theological debate
o blame or guilt
o everyone having to think alike or agree

Coming out requires grace on all sides. And grace is what we seem to have such a hard time grasping.

If you’re a pastor or a ministry leader, ask yourself, “How many people have felt safe coming out to me?” It’s a pretty good test for whether or not you embody grace.

Frankly, I wish there were other coming out days that straight people could expeirence. Because I wish there was more honesty. I wish there was more authenticity. And I wish there was more grace for the reality of the messiness that pervades all of our lives.

To the kids who came out this weekend: grace to you.
To the parents who are now processing: grace to you.
To a church still easily threatened: grace to you.
To an impatient gay community: grace to you.

the real deal...

Earlier today, I had an email conversation with a young man I’ve had the privilege of getting to know over the last year or so. J. loves God and is on a journey with Him. He sent me an update that I thought was so poignant, real and authentic that I tentatively asked him if he would consider allowing me to share it more widely – with some identifying details blurred.

I said, “Part of the reason I ask is that sometimes when we're in pain with God it is actually helpful to feel like what we are experiencing has meaning - and sometimes knowing that our authenticity will speak to others is a way of making meaning of where we are at ....”

J. replied and said, “With regards to the blog you can absolutely use that e-mail. Actually after I sent the e-mail I went back to read through it again which I often do if I write poetry or send e-mails to get a real sense of my feelings and when I read it back to myself I thought how nice it would be for someone else to read that if they were going through it to know that they are not alone. Also I thought how good it would be for some of the church to hear the pain and understand that this struggle is not about sex it's about emotion. So yes you can!”

Without further ado and with thanks, here is a glimpse into the heart and journey of J.


“Well just thought I would send a little update. [My ex-boyfriend] moves away on the 27th of this month and to be honest I am so raw emotionally and I didn't expect it. We broke up almost a year ago and have had separate rooms for probably 10 months now....and he's moved on and has a new boyfriend and I have been doing the occasional date with a cute little girl from the church...but it feels like breaking up all over again when I realize that this house that we bought together is going to be empty.

The house has not sold so I am trying to rent it out for the first of October because I just can't do it on my own...if not I will have to let it go back to the bank...all by myself on this one Wendy...this is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

Every now and then I just get this flood of emotion and it feels like I am just going to fall to the ground under the weight of grief....and I wonder why...why I am doing all of this. I mean I KNOW why but I feel like I am putting myself through so much...and sometimes I don't even feel like God notices how much I am having to go through just to follow him. Maybe it's a consequence of sin I guess. But I just feel some days like God is saying "well you got yourself into this mess"....it just hurts so much some days.

I feel like I have been beaten to a bloody pulp...spiritually and emotionally like I can barely stand BUT no desire to give up or turn back at all...I will drag this beaten body wherever God leads even if God has to drag me there because I just can't do it. I have never felt that way before. All my life it was thinking "God I can't do this it's too hard" now it's thinking "God....this is REALLY hard but you're going to get me through it somehow".

I am scared though of what might be next Wendy. I really believed that the house would sell quickly and that financial problems would be resolved....but it didn't and they aren't and although that causes me undue stress I am going to continue to fight the good fight. I think maybe financial stresses might even be a bit of the enemy....I mean that has always been my weakest point...fear of financial decay but God has really equipped me for this spiritual battle with a great peace that no matter what happens in this I WILL get through it and I WILL have God with me on the other side of this dark valley.

My heart aches and I feel strong.....it's the most mixed up feeling in the world to be exhausted and NOT ready to give up. But that is where I am...

Anyway I will cut myself off now before I go on too long...but keep me in prayer over the next couple weeks as it's going to be tough.
Love and Blessings,
J.


Dear J.
Thank you so much for letting me know where you are at.... that allows me to pray more intelligently for you. I so appreciate your honesty and authenticity. Given the journey, as an outsider peeking in, it is not unexpected that you would be riding the emotional rollercoaster that you are. I am so very grateful to hear of the real ways that you are taking God in with you to these places ..... and your emerging perspective on the strength in weakness that is the upside down economy of God. Your experience puts you in good company with folks like the Apostle Paul and many other Christian leaders throughout the ages.

I think sometimes that what we often need is simply to know that people see (I often say witness) what it is we are navigating. We don't need people to fix it (like they could anyway....), we don't need people to offer advise or guidance (we're in the place where we are standing with Christ and really all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and wait for God to deliver us in his time), we don't need sympathy or judgment or sugar-coated encouragement .... we simply need people to see and experience that we are known and in the knowing that we are loved, that we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses who are saying in the Spirit, "Keep going! We know that in Christ you can totally do this!!" And so hear that from me - I see you. I get it. As a sister in Christ I am so proud of you for standing, for waiting on God, for staying real in the process, for being honest about the pain, for reaching deep for the will to do this with God ..... Keep going - I know you can do this!!!

Know that you are treasured - simply for who you are. In the midst of this, you are loved not because you are fighting to be faithful to God - you are loved because you are you. That you are fighting to be faithful to God is a joy and a 'bonus' .... and we join you in the fight.
every blessing,
wendy


Hey Wendy,
It's so true what you said about someone just seeing you. Sometimes it's such a lonely fight and all the advice in the world doesn't make it easier but knowing that someone is there saying "I know it's hard" makes all the difference so thank you."


I know this blog is read by diverse voices. And there might be some who read J’s email and have an opinion or advice for him …. Maybe you disagree with the choices he is making …. Allow me to make this observation before you jump into the comments section: This is where J. is at. This is his heart. The real deal. He is allowed to be where he is at. He doesn’t need to be pushed or prodded or enlightened. He has the right to simply stand where he is at with God. Without trying to be a mother-hen, I do feel a bit protective of him, given that I have asked him to share his vulnerability with our readers. Please honour him. Honour where he’s at. And wherever it is that you are at, please focus your comments on building up, not tearing down, on blessing, not hindering.
Grace to all of us.

addressing background baggage....

One really can’t speak about “bridging the gap” between evangelical Christians and gay people without addressing the perceptions and misunderstandings surrounding ex-gay ministries. Now, some would say that we (New Direction) have no business even raising the question, given that we are a para-church organization focused on sexual identity. Some would say that we perpetuate the issues.

It may seem to be splitting hairs, though I would prefer to think of it as simply our attempt to chart our own distinct course forward, but New Direction seeks to move beyond the ex-gay label. The term ex-gay has some baggage to be sure.

Anthony Venn-Brown in this blog post asks 20 questions of ex-gay leaders. In his questions, one gets a sense of some of the complaint / critique against ex-gay leaders / ministries that continues to foster a divide. If you are a Christian with a heart to befriend your gay neighbour you will do well to acquaint yourself with some of this context. It may be behind some of the cynicism that you may encounter. I would submit that there is some learning to be had here – and hope that those who hold a more traditional view of sexual ethics will humble themselves and take the time to listen and digest.

Anthony’s questions do seem to presuppose that an ex-gay leader is male and same-gender attracted and likely now married to a woman. I suppose it is apt then, as New Direction tries to move beyond the ex-gay descriptor and be effective and useful in briding the gap, that as its leader I am not male, not same-gender attracted ….. and not married to a woman :)
Given that this is the case, I simply can’t respond to some of Anthony’s penetrating personal questions. However, I thought I’d take a stab at some of the others.

1. Do you know of anyone who was completely gay (not a bisexual) who has become completely heterosexual?

I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone was completely gay and not bisexual. Likewise, I’m not certain I would have any way of knowing if someone had become completely heterosexual. It seems to me that at some level both realities are personal and subjective. While I have come to know sga people who report very fulfilling marriages with their opposite gender spouse (including their sexual relationship), most that I know personally are also honest and authentic about the reality of a sense of vulnerability in attractions to their own gender. At New Direction we try to foster a space where people can be honest without a sense of shame or of not measuring up. We’re comfortable with the reality that people experience diverse sexual attractions and seek to focus on encouraging people to live consistently with their beliefs and values. We recognize that ex-gay ministries have seemed to be deceptive when they put on a pedestal those who claim to have gone from gay to straight. We recognize that it has seemed the amount of healing has been exaggerated or that when asked direct questions about residual sga, responses have been evasive or misleading. In response, New Direction commits to sharing honest and authentic stories. We caution Christians to not project aspects of one person’s testimony onto every gay person they meet. And we choose to focus on an individual’s faith journey over and above their sexual orientation.

8. Even though it may not have been your experience, do you think it is possible to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship?

We understand that gay people have been often been lumped together and mischaracterized. This has contributed to the divide. I do think it is possible for someone to be gay and live in a long term, monogamous relationship. The breakdown of relationships is sad reality that is common to the human condition. There are promiscuous gay people and there are promiscuous straight people. We don’t find it helpful to speak of the gay lifestyle – because for 100 gay people you may well encounter 100 different lifestyles. We encourage people to get to know each individual personally before making assumptions about their beliefs and values or the manner in which they live their life.

16. When Exodus commenced three decades ago everyone believed that you had to change your sexual orientation in order to be a Christian. Considering that there are now 100,000’s of gay Christians who have come out, live moral lives, have a strong faith and believe that God loves them just as they are, hasn’t your “ex-gay” message become redundant and obsolete?

I don’t believe that a same-gender attracted person must change their orientation to be a Christian and I do believe that God’s love is unconditional for all people. At the same time, there continue to be same-gender attracted people who believe that it is not God’s will for them to express their same-gender attraction in a sexual relationship. It is in support of these men and women that a ministry like New Direction seeks to serve. Part of that support is working to create safe places within the Christian community for them to be honest and authentic about their experiences with sga. Part of that support is helping them work through experiences of shame or fear, past hurts, patterns of addictive behaviour, and building a strong network of healthy, intimate friendships.

19. Considering the majority of “ex-gay” ministries reject the growing scientific evidence that same-sex-orientation happens prenatally through both genetic and hormonal influences, how do you respond to those who are born with gender or genital ambiguities which is obviously biological?

I seek to take a humble approach to the science around causation. We really don’t know all the details about the complex factors that may play a role in predisposing someone to experience same-gender attraction. At this point, the science around prenatal factors is compelling, though inconclusive in pinpointing determination.
I am deeply humbled by the complex realities facing intersexed individuals. My response is rooted in relationship where I seek to listen, love and serve the individual where they’re at. If invited, I would seek to gently explore beliefs, values and the implications of faith in experiencing love and intimacy in relationship. In a similar manner, I am humbled by the realities of individuals navigating transgender issues.
My prayer is that as followers of Jesus have the opportunity to engage in relationship with individuals facing these realities, we will embody the gentle, discernment of the Good Shepherd.

back from vacation....

Some weeks ago I was asked a very blunt question by a gay activist. His question was, “Wendy, would you attend a gay wedding and bring a gift – or would you snub the gay wedding?” The question seemed to come a bit out of the blue, not particularly connected to the preceeding dialogue in the comments section …. but there it was in black and white waiting for my response.

Now looking back, I wish I’d thought to have been wise like Jesus – who often answered such “testing” questions with a question in return. Or I wish I’d had some revelation of just the right parable to tell in response.

But not being as wise as Jesus, I’m not sure I could have come up with a question in response that wouldn’t have just seemed evasive and gutless. And man, where is a good parable when you need one? Instead, partly impulsive and partly with a commitment to engaging with authenticity, I decided to answer the question directly.

I responded and said, “I would go to a close friend’s gay wedding and yup, I’d bring a gift. I know that all of my close friends know what I believe about sexual ethics and would not assume my beliefs had changed but that my attendance was a sign of my love and friendship. I’m sure I would get some serious flack for this decision - but at the end of the day, I believe loving people is what God asks of me.”

I suppose at the time I was most thinking of gay and lesbian people (if anyone at all) reading my response. And despite what could be read as a flippant tone in my response, this is a question and a scenario that I have given much thought and prayer to. My focus in responding to the question was seeing an opportunity to build a bridge and to give a practical example of unconditional love in action. Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional approval.

Joe Dallas in his book, “When Homosexuality Hits Home” speaks about both conscience and comfort needing to be considered when making decisions about engagement with those with whom we hold disagreements – about homosexuality or really any other number of issues. And different people have different sensitivities in terms of their own conscience and their own comfort levels.

In I Corinthians chapter 8 Paul speaks about the issue of food being sacrificed to idols – and he explains that some people could go ahead and eat such food with the understanding that there is no power behind it …. while others with a weaker conscience were best to stay away from such meat. Then he goes on to say, “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.”

And here is the dilemma. I am very comfortable around gay and lesbian people – no problem there. In looking at my own conscience, I have a secure sense of peace that God knows my heart in intentionally extending love and friendship to my gay neighbours and that attending any celebratory event of a gay couple or family would be an expression of that love and friendship. I am reminded in Luke 15 of the parable Jesus tells of leaving the 99 sheep (in the open country none-the-less where they could wander off, be attacked by wolves etc.) to go and search for the one who was lost. I want my presence in my friendships with the gay people in my life to sing with the presence of Jesus – so that if they don’t know him, they might encounter him – and if they do know him, that they would be encouraged in their relationship with him.

And so while I read Paul’s words – and would not want my actions or decisions to be a stumbling block to any other follower of Jesus (though, I hardly think that my willingness to attend a gay wedding is going to suddenly open the flood-gates of Christians showing up at the best decorated wedding receptions in the land) ….. I have to say that the words of Jesus are trump for me. I certainly do not seek to intentionally offend or scandalize other believers. But at the end of the day, they can go and find like-minded believers to hang out with and be encouraged by. God has called me to befriend and love my gay neighbours – and I will seek to love them with as robust a love as I can offer.

Truth is, this isn’t theoretical stuff for us at New Direction. These are real life decisions we need to prayerfully discern. And as Brian shares in the next post the practical out-working of such a decision, we pray that the fruit of our discernment and love will be evident for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. In the end, whether you agree or disagree, we will seek to embody the presence of Jesus in all of the unique and particular places God calls us to – and encourage you to do the same in your own circles of influence.

More new direction .....

The wonderful thing about a blog is that it provides a forum for the development of thought. Blog posts aren’t published research, they aren’t the final say, they don’t presume to have the complete answer ….. at least mine don’t. Rather, they are a space for reflections, wonderings, exploring, and sometimes testing the waters. They are a space for learning, grace, humility and growth. (And it should be said, that it is equally hoped that those who engage with this blog will keep arrogance and nastiness packed away – especially those who name the name of Jesus).

I recently sat with the chair of the board for New Direction. John is a delightful combination of wisdom and wonder wrapped up together. I always feel safe while pushing the envelope in conversation with him. He’s a philosopher, a theologian, a teacher, an artist (though he would say he mainly hangs out with artists through his work with Imago) …. He thinks deeply, loves freely and is the kind of mentor who allows you the liberty to be fully yourself.

As we talked about the way forward, we began to talk about systems. I have been intrigued and engaged in the conversations about the structures and systems that undergird the gathering of God’s people we call the church.

This blog is an example of some of this conversation. As I ponder the implications of the church functioning as an organic or living system, I can’t help but apply these thoughts to the very unique work God has called New Direction to. What would it look like for New Direction to resist being an institutionalized, self-preserving, ‘closed’ if-you-will system?

We’re not a community per sae – rather we are a facilitator, a catalyst, hopefully a subversive presence within a larger system and community that begets a movement. A movement of thought, language and most importantly relationships that reflect the good news of Jesus Christ in reaching and engaging those affected by diverse sexual identities.

At the center of this movement is Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ at the center of our reality, our humanness, our pain. Jesus Christ liberating us to be our true selves, without hiding, without pretending or posturing. Jesus Christ offering resurrection newness. Jesus Christ source of all hopefulness, source of all life. Jesus Christ in us.

So what would an organic, living system look like for a ministry addressing issues of sexual identity?

I’d been wrestling through writing this post when a friend, Bill Kinnon, connected me with Brad Sargent. Now Brad ironically used to work for Exodus as their resource and publication specialist. Brad is super smart – like I seriously need a Tylenol to read through his blog…. But I was so delighted to discover that Brad is really smart at evaluating systems, paradigms, and models …. And that he has been intimately involved in the missional conversation. And as I read through some of his stuff, it again helped me wrestle with articulating the kind of system that New Direction is seeking to embody. In an email Brad said, "I like your approach: discipleship, welcoming and transforming - not rejecting and condemning, or welcoming and affirming. You've chosen the harder, more paradoxical road, but one that brings more possibilities for true, deep, and lasting impact through the dynamic tensions of listening, learning, and loving ... without compromising truth." Thank you Brad!

Perhaps it is a bit easier to start with describing the kind of closed system that we’re trying to avoid (some might even say emerge from).

We don’t want to be about maintenance – just preserving the status quo (“This is the way we do it. This is the way it has always been done.”) instead of pressing forward with redemptive imagination and creativity.
We don’t want to be in a defensive posture – focused more on preventing opposing views from gaining ground than creating and nurturing a place of renewal and hope.
We don’t want to be a system of control – focused on censorship or keeping everyone ‘in line’ with a rigid legalism rather than risking entrusting people to Christ.

John made the observation that New Direction seeks to engage people not as a “problem to be solved” but with “potential to be empowered”. This is huge isn’t it? People who experience same-gender attraction aren’t a problem to be solved – they are a beloved child of God in whom there is potential to live in relationship with God as a co-heir with Christ. But it does beg the question – how much of Christian ministry approaches a same-gender attracted person as a problem to be solved / fixed / cured….

Empowering potential is much more nebulous. Much more unpredictable. It isn’t about control, or holding onto power – it is about letting go of control and giving power away. It means resolutely refusing to be coercive in someone’s life. It means that sometimes there is a lot of pain and disappointment.

But it also means there is hope. It means there is potential to operate in the freedom and joy of resurrection newness.

And I think it smells a lot like incarnation.

It doesn’t mean that we avoid calling sin, sin. (discerning the right time – we do call for repentance)
It doesn’t mean that we resist being organized or excellent or stewardly (we want to be all those things).
It doesn’t mean we don’t deeply and passionately care about the outcome in a person’s life (we do – particularly expressed through ‘kick butt’ intercessory prayer).

But it does mean we humbly let God sit on the throne – not us.
It means we strive for a place of authenticity – not a veneer of spirituality.
It means we try to model our engagement after Jesus – who gave up control, divine power, and came among us to serve.
And it means we resist the quick, the easy, the consumer mentality – in exchange for the deep, abiding, transforming presence of God.

Conversations - not an easy ride

A day at the office ….. and two conversations are sticking with me – and it’s only 11 am.

I received an email from a friend who had been involved in a lesbian relationship over the last three years. She’d gotten to know me through New Direction and I’d met several times with her and her partner. She emailed to say that her partner had gotten together with another woman ….. and she didn’t know where else to turn, but asked me to pray for her. My heart is broken for this young woman. Her story is one of a string of rejections and abandonment throughout her childhood. I can only imagine that her heart must be fractured in a million pieces. “When one weeps, the other tastes salt”. Today, I’m tasting salt.

Another conversation came via phone when I picked up to hear a man telling me about having lived a celibate life for the last 11 years. He’d returned to church after many years away. He shared some hurtful experiences about being kicked out of churches for being gay. I shared with him some of the distinctives of New Direction – and in particular that we are discipleship-focused, not change driven. That is, we are focused on an individual’s faith journey and walk with Jesus, rather than putting the emphasis on attempting to change one’s orientation. I explained that the theology of the ministry hasn’t changed over the years – we do believe God’s best intention for sexual intimacy is within heterosexual marriage. I shared about how some people had put all their energy into trying to change their orientation and when this didn’t happen became discouraged, disillusioned …. some lost their faith altogether. I talked about helping people live consistently with their beliefs and values and being clear about realistic expectations.

Then he said, “Well, I want to change my orientation.” And then he hung up.

And now I feel like crap.
“Lord, was I listening to you?”
“Is this guy going to tell his church that New Direction no longer offers hope – like others have been saying of us?”
“Lord, will you protect this man as he pursues change – keep him close to you – whether his attractions change or not.”
“Lord, help me – to simply walk in step with you and offer up this rush of fear I feel to you.”

I believe God can do anything. But I also know, that in His mysterious ways, He does not always do everything we want or ask of him – at least not in the way we expect.
Our hope, must rest on the person of Jesus Christ. He, alone, is our sufficiency regardless of the healing we do or don’t experience.

Vulnerability and Hiddenness

I’ve been pondering the power of vulnerability. Seems like an oxymoron doesn’t it? In fact, having shared some honest vulnerability with others recently, it seems quite apparent that some, if not many, view vulnerability as weakness and something to be avoided. Someone told me they were embarrassed by my vulnerability. Another said I had weak boundaries and that I was being manipulative by sharing so personally. Others just quoted bible verses to quiet the deep, personal questions I was wrestling with. Such hurtful reactions make you want to just shut up and not risk opening yourself up again. But….. as I ponder and reflect on the value of vulnerability, I feel compelled to continue to risk.

Being real simply seems non-negotiable to me. Not that I propose people spilling their guts about every little thing at all times. Don’t misunderstand me – I have Cloud and Townsend’s copy of “Boundaries” close by on my bookshelf. But like I John 1:7 reminds us, “If we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” I want to live in the light – I don’t want to pretend I’m better than I am, I don’t want to worry that if I slip up and let someone see what I’m really like I’ll be rejected, and I don’t want to have to “fake it till I make it”. My mentors remind me that not everyone can handle the “what you see is what you get” approach. That’s true. We all need discernment about what to share and when. But I think there is something life-giving and good about wanting to be known – warts and all – and experience being accepted.

Baxter Kruger says, “Genuine acceptance removes fear and hiding, and creates freedom to know and to be known. In this freedom arises a fellowship and sharing so honest and open and real that the persons involved dwell in one another. There is union without loss of individual identity. When one weeps, the other tastes salt. It is only in the Triune relationship of Father, Son and Spirit that personal relationship of this order exists, and the early Church used the word ‘perichoresis’ to describe it. The good news is that Jesus Christ has drawn us within this relationship, and its fullness and life are to be played out in each of us and in all creation.”

To know and be known is so core to being truly human, truly alive. But to be known means that we have to risk revealing who we really are.

In my work with New Direction I encounter a great deal of fear and anxiety. I encounter a lot of people doing a lot of hiding. In so many different ways I see the damaging, dehumanizing effects of this fear and hiddenness. And something in this idealistic heart of mine says, “That’s not the way it is supposed to be!” IF we really knew how to love ~ we wouldn’t need to hide from each other. IF we really knew how to be accepting ~ we wouldn’t need to invest so much energy into protecting ourselves. Ever since Adam and Eve first sinned, we humans have hidden ourselves. But IF we were really caught up in the relational reality of Father, Son and Holy Spirit we would encounter such a safe, radical place of love and acceptance that we, too, could open our hearts to love and accept with the largeness and generosity we see in God.

When I hide my true self, my vulnerability ~ I have to wonder if it is because I have not fully experienced the love of God. And when I risk exposing my true self, my vulnerability ~ I have to hope that it flows out from that place of being Loved by the Father (and not some manipulative place of neediness). The test of course, is how I react when the offering of the gift of my vulnerability is met with rejection, shame and judgment. Boy that sucks. But it is a pretty good test of how grounded, secure and known I am in the love of God. Do I want to snap back with a judgment? Do I want to “knock them down a peg or two”? (When faced with a hurt or stressor my typical response is ‘fight’ rather than ‘flight’)

When I consider Jesus I see Someone who chose to embody vulnerability. The Incarnation has vulnerability written all over it. And in this place of vulnerability he encountered rejection, shame and judgment ….. and he resisted both ‘flight’ and ‘fight’. He stayed present ~ completely secure in the love and acceptance and indwelling of the Father and Spirit. That is so where I want to be (though I so quickly fall short).

“And when you come before God… here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place where you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God and you will begin to sense his grace.” Matthew 6: 5-6 the Message

I just re-read this article about men on the ‘down-low’ in Black and Latino communities. I read Christine’s account of her Pride participation. I sat with a ministry colleague who is a married wife and mother seeking to disentangle herself from an affair with a woman. And these themes of vulnerability and hiddenness grip me.

There is a common sentiment in the Christian community that goes something like this, “There aren’t any homosexual people, there are only heterosexual people with a homosexual problem.” While I see multiple challenges with this statement, to me one of the significant ones is the hiddenness it perpetuates. “Don’t own the reality that you experience same-gender attraction – because it is just a ‘problem’ and you just need to deal with it.” “Don’t reveal that vulnerable place where it just feels like this is part of who you are – because that just perpetuates this ‘problem’ and will keep you from emerging into your true heterosexuality.”

I was recently invited to review some policy statements that a denomination is working on. The policy on homosexual conduct carried an undertone of resentment, hostility and fear towards gay people. It seemed to be far more concerned with who was “out” rather than who could be invited “in”. And I groaned under the weight of how to even begin to address such systemic attitudes. “Couldn’t they see that any same-gender attracted person reading these policy statements, even those agreeing with the basic theological beliefs about sexual ethics, would feel compelled to stay hidden, to never share the vulnerable and intimate realities they experience?”

I want to be a safe person – who offers and receives the gift of vulnerability. I want to be a safe person – because through me, I want my gay friends to encounter a safe place in the embrace of God. The God who chooses to reveal himself through vulnerability. The God who offers the kind of genuine acceptance that dispels fear and hiddenness. The God who allows us the grace and strength to stay present – open to his love – even in the face of rejection, shame and judgment from others.

Will you be my friend? by Brian Pengelly

I was riding the subway the other day, crammed like a human sardine during rush hour traffic. I was trying very hard to ignore the couple hundred other people squished uncomfortably close in the car with me when an attractive woman in her early twenties turned toward me and said “How are you doing today?” with a beaming white smile.

I almost didn’t hear her over the music playing in my I-pod, but blinking in surprise I pulled out my ear bud and smiled back. “Pretty good. How are you?” My mind started racing. I must confess that young attractive female strangers talking to me is not something that happens very often and so my mind began spinning. "Do I know her? Where from?"

We chit chatted for the next minute about the crowdedness, the weather, and such and I was starting to relax and enjoy the conversation.
Just as we pulled away from the station the conversation took a turn.

“You know I find it so comforting to know that in the uncertainties of life that I always have the teachings of the Prophet and the elders to guide me…”

My eyes flashed down and for the first time noticed a detail I had missed with her crowded so close. A name tag that declared her to be a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

And then it occurred to me. She wasn't interested in ME. She wasn’t talking to me because she wanted to be my friend. She wasn’t talking to me because of my good looks or charm, or out of any real interest in who I am.

Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Now think of your gay neighbour. Do you really want to be their friend? I have had many non-Christian friends tell me about the frustration of befriending Christians who seemed to deeply care about them until they realized that they weren’t interested in converting. You see being friends with someone isn’t about what you will get from them, or how you will change them…its about genuinely caring about them whether they change to be more like you or not.

There is a world of difference between being filled with God’s love so that we want to love others, including our gay neighbours, and an entirely different thing to be friendly toward people to get our way. One is what we are called to as Christians, the other is patronizing.

I'm the biggest limper

I often talk about my sense that part of what I've been called to do is to 'normalize' the experience of same-gender attraction within the Christian community. When you get to hang out with as many same-gender attracted and gay people as I get to, one has the opportunity to experience shared humanity, shared journeys, shared hopes and dreams - disappointments and griefs. When you do life together, you get to really see each other - the good, the bad and the ugly. And in this place of authenticity, love grows and brings freedom.

This side of heaven, we all walk with a limp. And I suppose, given our experiences, some of us have a more pronounced limp. But we're all limpers - limpers together.

Limping is a normal part of life. A normal part of the journey of faith. A normal part of following Jesus.

In limping we discover our need for Somone who is bigger, stronger, more able than we are. As we limp, we discover that we need others to walk with us. Not to patronize, nor to judge. Not to try to 'fix' MY limp (while ignoring their own). But simply to hang out and do life - perhaps along the way, more often than not, forgetting we're limping at all.

If we perpetuate the notion that experiencing confusion or questioning in your sexual identity is some BIG limp .... then we're setting people up to try their darn best to hide the limp .... because who would want to be the biggest limper?

But if we limp out in the open, and get in relationship with other limpers, then we're in a better place to accept, and at the appropriate times, test and explore the contours of dealing with a limp.

If I intend to befriend someone with a limp..... while steadfastly insisting that I don't have a limp, or deluding myself into thinking I've hidden my limp really well (when perceptive others can spot it anyway), I'm kidding myself.

What's your limp? How do you both accept it and submit it to the Lordship of Jesus?
How do you love yourself while limping?
How do you have hope in the limping?
How have you experienced grace in the limping?
How have you experienced redemption in your limping?

From one limper to another, I might suggest these are the questions you need to answer for yourself if you hope to be 'Jesus with skin on' in the life of another.

And if you think the experience of same-gender attraction is so 'other' .... so different than what you can identify with .... think again.

Heads up for the next post: Some of my gay friends would disagree with this whole concept of 'limping'..... they're so tired of being labelled as 'broken'...... I'll try to address these concerns and critique in the next post ......

-WG

Freedom in Friendships

I was hanging out with some artists and thinkers and risk-takers the other night. And as it often happens when people learn that I serve through New Direction, folks began to share with me about their gay friends.
Seems these days that more often than not, Christ-followers have gay friends. This is a good thing. This is a great thing. What is not so great is that we Christians seem to struggle so much with how to navigate these friendships.
The conversations the other night were alive and vibrant. I heard people speak of how their gay friends were so different from one another .... (seems to punch holes in the old stand-by term, "gay lifestyle"). They shared about straining to listen to the whisper of the Spirit as they sipped Starbucks with their friends. They spoke of a deep, deep desire for these friends, whom they have come to love, to know God ~ and of their struggle to nurture and facilitate a God-connection rather than impede that. And they spoke of emerging into a kind of robust love that rests in God while feeling free to enjoy and delight in their gay friends - just as they are.

The conversations seemed to sing with the life-giving presence of Jesus.

"Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people - free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free!" Eph. 1:7

Oh Lord ~ you exist in relationship and you have formed us for relationship. Pour your relational delight into our friendships. Might our times of connection sing with the Life of Jesus. Help us to rest in the freedom of trusting you with our loved ones. Show up. Be Glorified. Amen.

-WG