A Question of Corinthians Part 1 by Brian Pengelly

As I talk across Canada, sharing my passion for bridging the gap between the church and the LGBT community I have been surprised at how positively I have been received. There is a sense that the Church is ready to begin to face this issue, and many of the evangelical Christians I know have a sense that what they church has been doing is not right, but they are not quite sure what they should be doing instead. As they grapple with the many questions that come up, one that seems to consistently be a challenge is how to relate to LGBT individuals who claim to be Christians. I have lost count of the times when Christians have told me stories about how they have non Christian friends who are gay who they relate to well, but when faced by a Christian who is gay the rules change, and they feel free to treat them rudely, or cut them entirely out of their lives.

The reason for this usually comes down to 1 Corinthians 5:9-11. The verses state:

"I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people­ not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat."

The logic here flows like this: "The Bible teaches that homosexuality is sexually immoral, therefore anyone who claims to be gay and acts on it should be put out of the church, and Christians should refuse to associate with them in any way."

Many Christians that I have worked with over the years find themselves trapped between their internal sense that cutting their friends and family members out of their lives is not the right thing to do, and yet at the same time want to be obedient to Scripture. Others seem to use these verses as an excuse to not have to deal with the challenges of loving people they disagree with, or worse yet to treat LGBT people in disrespectful ways.

I know my Side A friends shake their heads and go "Obviously this verse doesn't apply because there is nothing immoral about gay sexual relationships!" but for those who are Side B navigating friendships with those within the church this verse can be a major stumbling block.

Later this week I will post my thoughts on this verse, but i am interested to read how others have understood this verse. How do you understand this verse? Does it mean that Side B and Side A Christians can't ever work together?

Putting Skin on the Issue by Brian Pengelly

When I go around to talk to youth groups I have learned over the years not to start with "Hi my name is Brian, and I'm gay!" The issue of homosexuality is one that Christians have learned to be defensive about and as soon as the hear "The G word" many of them put up a mental barrier or distrust that makes it hard to get them to challenge any of their presuppositions. So when I am talking to church groups I instead start with a bunch of humorous stories about what it was like growing up in church.
In many ways this portion of my talk resembles a stand up comedy routine but it tends to gain the attention of the audience and more importantly it builds a feeling of commonality and familiarity. When I get people laughing about the stress of getting ready for church, or how silly Sunday School songs are when you stop and think about them then they begin to identify with me. There is something that happens where the audience goes "He is one of us! He understands us!" which allows me to bypass some of the defenses of people, so that when I get to the part of the story where I say "and then I realized I was gay" it changes their assumptions about gay people. It allows them to feel that gay people are REAL people like them, rather than "those people out there". Once this has happened, getting them to think about how they treat gay people, and whether that honors God or not is much easier to do.

Often in evangelical circles there is a feeling that when dealing with the issue of homosexuality the way to best follow God is to keep people's stories out of it, and just focus on "what scripture says". However as I was recently rereading through the gospels it struck me that this was the opposite of what Jesus did. In Matthew 12 Jesus is confronted because his disciples who were hungry were plucking grain and eating it, which was against the Sabbath law. Jesus doesn't defend them by explaining that what they are doing is lawful, he reminds the Pharisees how David also broke the law by eating the temple bread. Jesus's then quotes Hosea 6:6 which says "I desire mercy not sacrifice". By ignoring stories we keep people in the safely theoretical space. But people's stories matters to God. Their circumstances, their pain, their experiences are all known by Him, and he cares about them. The debate about homosexuality that rages on in the church can never be allowed to be a war of ideas...it is about people.

When people of whatever stripe allow themselves to dehumanize those who disagree with them, to make those people into an "other" that they do not have to care about the same way they care about those that agree with them, we they lose the heart of God. This is why it is so important for us to make the effort to befriend those we disagree with , it helps us to remember that other people are people with loves and lives, challenges and circumstances beyond the issue that we disagree on. It helps us see people as more than people we disagree with, but as co-bearers of the image of Christ, just like us.

So as you encounter people who you disagree with, whatever side you are on, take time to get to know them. Listen to their stories. Get to know their families and communities. Ask what circumstances and experiences have shaped them into the person they are now. After all, how do you love someone if you don't even know who they really are?

Responding to the Tel Aviv shootings by Brian Pengelly

While I was enjoying a relaxing long weekend camping with friends in the Catskills an unidentified person walked into a LGBT support group in Tel Aviv Israel and opened fire with an M-16. Two people were killed and 15 others wounded. I didn’t get the news until this morning when I sat down to my laptop to catch up on email and blogs that I read on a regular basis.

As I read the news, a lot of different feelings warred inside me: anger, fear, sadness, and frustration all came up in a rush. In my head I began building an idea of who would do such a thing. I went over all the times I had been bullied or felt excluded and began building connections in my mind. I wondered why other Christians I knew hadn’t said anything about this and wondered what it meant about them.

Then I remembered another shooting. A little over ten years ago I was a young youth worker fresh out of Bible College when the Columbine shooting happened. The two shooters had worn black trench coats, and were misidentified by some as being goth.

At that time I had been working at building relationships with a number of teens who identified with the “goth” subculture. I remember these students telling me stories about how suddenly they were treated as potential killers by those around them. Many of them were called names, and one friend was even assaulted by others who saw them as “one of those freaks.” The irony of it all was that my friends were some of the gentlest people I had ever met. Many were pacifists who refused to touch weapons, and others were vegan because they could not even countenance violence against animals.

Horrific events like this seem to bring out the part of our human nature that seeks to classify the “other” and to draw away into the safety of “people like us”. We desperately seek for meaning in such events, and try to assure ourselves that something we can do we protect us from such things happening. And in the process these very human reactions can cause us to do a lot of things which can hurt innocents.

As of the time I am writing this we do not know who committed this crime and we do not know why. I would ask all people to be careful about making rash judgements without firm information. If more details do emerge we still need to be careful about the generalizations that we make from them. If the killer turns out to be motivated by hatred of gay people in general we must refrain from transferring that person’s crime onto others who share that person’s nationality, ethnicity, or religion. If it turns out that the shooter was gay that information should not be used by groups to try and prove anything about gay people in general either, or claim that gay relationships are more dangerous.

In the face of such an evil act I believe that the only response is for all of us: gay and straight, people of diverse religions or no religion, liberals and conservatives to commit to working hard to understand each other better. We must commit to defending and respecting each other. We must all speak out against violence whether in its obvious forms such as this shooting, or its more subtle forms that happen a thousand times every day.

But most of all we must resist the temptation to retreat further into “us vs them” thinking. We must not be ruled by fear. Because it is that very thing…the ability to think as another human being as “other” that allows the violence in the first place.

Relationship with Jesus is the Foundation

Brian Pengelly, someone who has journeyed to integrate his same-sex attractions and faith, reminds us that engaging the complexity of Biblical interpretation must be built on a foundation of intimate personal relationship with Christ.

The Kids are Alright by Brian Pengelly

Working at New Direction Ministries, Wendy and I have an understanding. As Youth Specialist I will handle the speaking engagements to teens and youth, and as Executive Director she will handle most of the Sunday Morning preaching opportunities. This means that I will often find myself shifting around in a rock hard camp bed on the second sleepless night of a youth retreat in the middle of nowhere….but I wouldn’t trade jobs with her for all the money in the world.

I often joke that working with youth professionally takes a special kind of person…preferably one who was dropped on their head a few times as a kid. But the truth is I love working with youth because they give me hope.

I have had the repeated experience of sharing my story with youth, and having teens come up to me in twos and threes afterwards in tears. Some of them have gay friends or family members, and some of them don’t, but all of them say something similar to me:

“I’ve felt inside that how Christians treat gay people is wrong. I’ve listened to how my pastor talks about this, and something inside just didn’t feel right. I want to follow Jesus, and I am serious about what the Bible teaches…but I knew how we have been acting isn’t what the Bible teaches either. I thought I must be a bad Christian because I felt this way, but your story helped me realize that I was right!”

I must have had this conversation a hundred times in the last year, in churches all across Canada, with youth from dozens of denominations. It always makes me smile because while they are thanking me, the remarkable thing is not my story, it is that they already knew it in their heart.

I have heard a great anxiety among adults in the church that we need to do something to protect our youth. Recently I read an article that claimed that to protect our children we must find anyone, gay or straight, in our churches who didn’t agree with the author's view of homosexuality and put them out of the church! It brought to mind one of my favourite Simpsons episodes where the town riots because of the perceived danger of bears and Helen Lovejoy exclaims in a panic “Won’t someone PLEASE think of the children!” But this view tends to keep God small and our own roles in the fate of the universe overly large.

I have been hanging out with the children, and they are doing okay. The Spirit of God is bringing change. I believe that his heart for reconciliation and his Love for Gay people is being echoed in the hearts of the new generations coming up in the church. I have found a generation who are much more comfortable navigating the differences that divide us with grace. When I think about what will Bridge the Gap between the Church and the Gay community I believe very strongly that it will be our children and grandchildren that are are now and will continue to do it. I think that rather than worry about them we need to listen to them, their voices and opinions and they will lead and teach us.

Really Listening

As we look forward to our synchroblog on June 24, I thought it would be particularly appropriate to share this clip of Brian Pengelly, our Youth Specialist at New Direction. Brian highlights an essential challenge to those who hope to engage in bridging conversations.



What do you think?

The Writing on the Wall by Brian Pengelly

I came home from yet another speaking engagement Sunday night feeling pretty good. The talk had gone well, and the youth staff had invited me out to a pub afterwards to talk more. I was very tired since I had taught Sunday School that day, and then spent the afternoon at a picnic with the youth group from my church. As I pulled into the underground parking of my apartment building, I was feeling tired but content. I had spent the day doing what I love doing most. I fumbled with my keys to open the door from the garage into the main building and made my way to the elevator and pushed the button, knowing it would probably take forever for the machine to recognize my request and send an elevator down to the basement. As I stood there waiting my eyes wandered around the room as it always does when the boredom of waiting for the elevator sets in.

And then I saw it: a new piece of graffiti carved into the deep brown bricks of the hallway. In the midst the familiar etchings declaring eternal love between various youth of the building, in big ugly letters were two new words: KILL FAGS.

My stomach dropped, my muscles tightened and I could feel that old familiar dread grip the core of me. It was like I was back in high school again, wondering if someone had found out about me. Afraid of losing my home, losing my friends, getting beat up again.

I took a deep breath and exhaling began a centering prayer that I had been taught years ago by my spiritual director. I forced myself to remember who I am: I am a child of God. I am part of the body of Christ. I will NOT wear that name anymore.

I grabbed my keys and began to vigorously rub it against the offending words. I applied all my strength to it and the scratches I made began to cover over the hateful words. I stepped back and looked at my handiwork. It was now impossible to read the hateful words under all the other scratches I had made.

But I knew what was under there.

The elevator finally arrived and I got in and punched the button for my floor. As it began its ascent I slumped against the wall and fought back tears. I felt so very tired. I wondered about putting in a work order to have the wall repainted or something. But the thought of having to explain to the landlords...just left me feeling exhausted beyond words. Did I really want to make a big deal of this?
It was probably just some stupid kids.

The elevator lurched to a halt and I stepped out on my floor and used the key I had so recently applied to the wall to open the door to my apartment. Inside my wife was already fast asleep. I dumped my bags on the floor and collapsed on my sofa. Tears began to roll down my cheeks as I took up an old lament.

"How long oh Lord? How long?"

How long will hatred rule men's hearts.

How long will children grow up in fear?

How long will the wounds I thought finally healed be torn open yet again?

I had been struggling for days with a deep weariness. Sometimes I get tired of the overwhelming ugliness of the hate that this issue seems to engender in others. I am frustrated by the teens I can not protect, the damage I can not undo, and the fact that while words scratched in walls can be covered over the ones carved in some hearts are never fully removed. What does one do in response to such naked hatred?

But in this time I feel the Spirit with me, comforting me and reminding me that Jesus too was hated. I am not alone. And slowly, ever so slowly my heart begins to turn. I remember that the only response to hatred is to love, and I pray for whoever carved those words. I wonder what experiences have twisted them so that they would do such a thing and pray for God's grace in their lives. I remember that the only response to ignorance is truth, and as I take a day of rest I gather strength to go out this weekend and share my story once again. In the face of such ugliness I remembered the weekend before: watching 2,000 young Christians standing together after I shared my story cheering for me and declaring together that they wanted their generation to be the one that changed the legacy of homophobia that Christianity has long embraced.

Hatred may carve words on walls and hearts, but it is not the last word.

God's Word is alive and active. It is bringing change. It will not be stopped.

And with that hope held in my heart I put the words on the wall out of mind and I am able to sleep.

What to do on the Day of Silence by Brian Pengelly

If you are a student, or work with students and are wondering about practical things you can do on the Day of Silence here are a couple ideas:

1) Listen!
This might seem odd advice given that many people will be silent, but at many schools there will be presentations or assemblies. Many Christians feel they should avoid these activities, but I think that the presence of Christian groups and individuals is very important. It is possible that you will not agree with everything that is said. That is okay. But listen to the stories being told. Think about how we as Christians can be allies in the battle against bullying. If you are part of a Christian group you could perhaps consider having a member of the Gay-Straight Alliance (if there is one at your school) come and talk about their experiences in the school. The point of this is not to argue with them but to listen and understand their experiences.

2) The Golden Rule Pledge:
Warren Throckmorton and others have put together a project known as the Golden Rule Pledge. www.goldenrulepledge.com In many schools on the Day of Silence students hand out cards when spoken to telling people why they are not speaking and asking them what they will do to help. The Golden Rule Pledge site contains cards that Christian students can download and use to reply by pledging to “treat others the way I want to be treated”. I think this is a good starting place. Christians participating in this should spend some time thinking about how “treating others the way they want to be treated” means actively helping protect others not just promising not to bully them. It is not enough to not perpetrate injustice – one must actively seek to prevent injustice.

3) Repent
I think it is important for Christians to own how we individually and as a group have often been part of the violence against gay students, or have been complicit in allowing it to happen. Many LGBT students have stories about how Christians were the ones who treated them the worst. The Day of Silence is a good time for Christians both collectively and individually to take time to repent of this. This might be publicly, like a statement made by a church or Christian club in a newspaper. It might be individually. I heard of one Christian who on the Day of Silence simply wore a black T-shirt with the words “I am sorry” on it. This led to many wonderful conversations with other students. I believe there are many creative ways this could be done. But remember: repentance is more than words. Repentance is also a change in both attitude and action as well. If we repent and then continue in the same ways, our words mean nothing.

4) Participate
I believe that the Day of Silence is a worthy cause, and that Christians should be seen as individuals who stand up against injustice wherever it occurs, and whoever it impacts. Many Christians fear that doing so will send a signal that they support homosexuality. In my own experience, others were very able to understand where we disagreed, and thus were even more impressed when I stood up to protect and care for LGBT individuals. In fact, I found that my gay friends were much more willing to listen to my beliefs about sexuality when they saw my beliefs connected with a concern for justice and care for them.

Stopping bullying, violence, harassment and discrimination should be something that all of us can agree with, and all of us should work towards.

Originally posted at: www.thinkyouthministry.ca

The Truth about the Day of Silence by Brian Pengelly

April 17th is the International Day of Silence, a day on which students around the world will take a vow of silence at school to draw attention to the bullying, harassment, discrimination and abuse that GLBT people face at school. Over the last 13 years, this event has grown from a project at one university to one of the largest student led actions in the United States.

As it has grown in size it has gained a great deal of media attention, and has left many Christians wondering how they should respond to the Day of Silence at their school. On the extreme end of the perspective some groups have suggested keeping your children home that day, or having students walk out of class if others are allowed to not to speak in class. The stated purpose of suggested walk-out is to protest the “politicization of the public classroom”. However, protesting the students being silent by removing yourself from the classroom seems hypocritical to me. I would think that skipping class or especially leaving the classroom in protest is actually a worse disruption than what these groups are supposedly protesting against.

Other groups have attempted alternative Christian responses. There is the “Day of Truth” where Christian students are encouraged to gather and have events that talk about what the Bible says about homosexuality. Still other Christian groups are additionally planning counter-events and in some cases protests. While it would seem those who are organizing these events are well intentioned, I think Christians trying to hold counter events both distract from the important goal of stopping bullying, violence and harassment against LGBT students and gives the appearance that Christians support or don’t care that such discrimination occurs.

In some cases Christian groups have even implied or directly stated that bullying of LGBT students is not really an issue. I understand that some Christian groups are wary of statistics and stories coming from GLSEN or other gay organization, but using that as an excuse to pretend that this isn’t an issue is unacceptable.

I am a conservative evangelical youth pastor who believes that the Bible teaches that same sex erotic behaviour is outside of God’s plan for human sexuality. My conviction on this matter is not just theoretical, it is one that as a person who is same gender attracted I live out every day and one I have personally sacrificed to uphold. And as a conservative evangelical pastor I want to stand up and dispel any doubt over the question of whether LGBT students face bullying, discrimination, harassment and violence. The answer is YES they do!

The truth is that when I was a student questioning my own sexual identity in grade 9 I was beat up because of my orientation.

The truth is that I was lucky, because compared to many of my gay friends, I got off easy.

The truth is that I have talked to hundreds of youth across North America who have been called names like “fag”, “homo”, “sissy”, “dyke” and “lesbo” every single day.

The truth is that often teachers and administrators see this happen and do nothing about it.

The truth is that many students (like me) will never report the harassment and violence they face because they are scared and ashamed. So even if and when school administration will listen, they often don’t hear about the extent of it.

The truth is that it can often be Christians who perpetrate the bullying and name-calling.
I went to a Christian school. It happened there.

This is not just my experience. This is SO common. I have seen it in schools. I have seen it in churches, I have seen it in youth groups. I have talked to HUNDREDS of young people who have told me their stories.

This is REAL.

And when Christians pretend like it isn’t, we bring shame on the name of the Lord who we claim to follow.

When we stand by and let others speak out for justice while we do nothing, we fail the Kingdom of God.

When we actively oppose, or distract from those seeking justice we prove to a watching culture that our claims to love gay people are a lie.

This is REAL. This must STOP. We are part of the problem. Change starts with us.

That is the TRUTH about the Day of Silence.


Look for tomorrow's post: What To Do on the Day of Silence


Originally posted at: www.thinkyouthministry.ca

When You're Told that What God Has Done Is Not Enough by Brian Pengelly

Recently I was asked to speak to a gathering of youth. The group was made up of youth from a variety of churches and denominations, and after I shared my story a number of youth and pastors came to talk with me and express how grateful they were. One woman told about having a gay brother, and how every time she mentioned him the Christians in her church became cold. Another young man came up to me with tears in his eyes, shaking visibly. He could only say “Thank-you! You don’t know how much that needed to be said” before he fled from the room.

In the hour from the end of my talk to when they locked the door, I made myself available to talk to any who wished, as well as left information about where I could be reached by email if others wished to talk more. I went home feeling tired and drained, but pleased with how things had gone.

A week later, the pastor who had asked me to come to speak forwarded an email that had been going around one of the youth groups. It was written by two leaders from that group denouncing me and my teaching. The email was long and written with a great deal of capital letters for extra emphasis. The crux of the letter was this: the authors were furious that I honestly admitted that I was still attracted to the same sex, that my sexual orientation had not changed, and that I had accepted that, in all likelihood, my experience of same-gender attraction would continue to be my reality for the rest of my life.

To these leaders, this honest story of who I was and what I was experiencing was threatening and dangerous. They apologized to their youth for bringing them to hear it. They made it clear to their youth that they did not believe God would allow anyone to continue to be attracted to the same sex if they really wanted to change. To them, what I had shared about what God had done in my life simply wasn’t enough.

The authors then went on to say:

"God did not make us depressed, or suicidal, or full of sickness in our bodies. God did not make homosexuals. We have done it to ourselves. At some point in each of our lives doors open to the demonic, whether by our own decisions or by the devil planting someone in our paths to set a trap. The outcome of each trap is determined by our decisions, or if we are children, our parents decision of how to handle each situation.“

It became clear to me that these youth leaders had bought into a stream of theology often known as Word of Faith theology. They believed that God has promised to heal every area of a believer’s life right now and given them the authority to command that healing into existence. Because of this, my testimony was a great threat to them because God had simply not done enough in my life. Despite the fact that I could testify that I had not been in a relationship with another male since high school, despite the fact that I was able to enjoy a happy marriage to a woman, despite the fact that God had clearly been using me in ministry for over a decade….my testimony was not acceptable because God had not completely taken away my attraction to men.

There are many doctrines which I disagree with and can simply agree to disagree with people about. But I feel the need to speak up against Word of Faith theology because I have seen first hand the damage that it has caused to me and many others. The authors assumed that because I was telling my story and had my experiences, I had never confessed my sin or had prayer ministry to cast out the demons in my life that may have entered because of being abused. In fact they were so bold as to write:

"Had at any time in Brian’s life he cried out to God and taken his authority that he has been given as a believer and told his body "IN JESUS NAME I AM NOT GAY AND GOD DID NOT MAKE ME GAY AND I WILL NOT HAVE HOMOSEXUAL TENANDANCIES ANYMORE", and then taken his mind captive when ever those thoughts came in, Brian most likely would not struggle with this anymore. Had he at anytime repented of that initial time when he was in the library and he spoke out I am gay, and then asked God to forgive him for all the rest of the times that he has thought thoughts or acted in a homosexual manner, asked God to forgive him for that initial self cursing and THEN had the spirit of sexual perversion cast out of him, Brian most likely would not still struggle with this sin."

The truth is that I once attended a youth group where they taught such things, and believing that they were true, I did go forward to the altar, confess these very sins, and pray that very prayer meaning it with every cell of my body. I believed that God would heal me.....and then he didn't. When it didn't happen I was told it was because I lacked enough faith, or I was doing something wrong. The message I received was that it was my fault. And yet I knew in my heart that I had prayed with all the faith that I had and could do no more. When I said this, I was rejected by that group. I spent years believing that lie, that it was my fault and I just wasn't good enough to make it all go away. As I grew older and studied the Bible I came to realize that this was a false teaching and turned away from it. But that teaching left me in shame and despair for years of my life.

Sadly, I have seen many of my same-gender attracted friends buy into this thinking and go on even longer believing that it is their fault that their orientation hasn’t changed. And I have watched the effects that it has on them. The inevitable result of this kind of belief, when their orientation doesn’t change, is self hatred. Many of those friends fell into depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. When this happened, once again, they were told that those were signs of their own lack of faith, and instead of offering help they were shamed even more. So what most of them learned to do is to simply pretend that everything was okay and that their orientation had changed because that was the only thing that was acceptable. Several of them got married as a way of claiming their healing, and every single one of them are now divorced leaving hurt spouses and children in their wake.

The leaders who criticized me lumped attraction to the same sex, depression, suicidal thoughts and physical sickness as all being the same. (Something that my gay friends find incredibly insulting.) Yet even if you accept that they are the same, Jesus warned about making assumptions about the causes of people’s physical sickness like the leaders in this letter did. (Read John 9:2-4 or Luke 15:1-5 for examples of this) Further the teaching that children are punished for the sins or spiritual practices of their parents (often called generational curses) is highly problematic. Many Christian teachers have quoted Exodus 20:5 to support this belief, but they tend to fail to take into account that in Jeremiah 31 in the new covenant God promises NOT to do this any more. (Jer 31:28-30)

There has also been a sad legacy within the ex-gay movement of using this kind of teaching to burden parents as being at fault for their children’s sexual orientation. I do not know how many times over the years I heard about generational curses, mixed in with some pop psychology to explain the fact that I was attracted to men. My own story does include significant perceived rejection from my father. But the truth is that causation of sexual orientation is incredibly complex and that there is no good evidence to link it to parental behaviour. In fact, several of my best gay friends had wonderful relationships with their parents. But because of this kind of teaching, I have met with more parents than I can count who blame themselves for their children’s sexual orientation. I have listened to them as they examined every little thing they did or said in their lives wondering where they had spoken curses over their children!

When taken to its worst form, Word of Faith doctrine takes this blaming to the extreme of blaming parents whose children get sick. One of my best friends in the world had her two year old son die suddenly of a brain aneurysm caused by a rare genetic disorder. She was attending a church where many people had bought into this type of thinking and thus when faced with the horror of a dying child, their theology only allowed them to blame the parent. As a result my friend, in a time of great pain and hurt, was told that it was her fault that her son had died, because she had not prayed enough for him.

When I was in high school the teaching of Word of Faith theology held great appeal to me because they promised me a quick and easy solution to what I saw as the problem in my life. But since then I have matured both in my understanding of myself and my understanding of Scripture. While Scripture does tell many stories of healing, there are many other stories where healing does not occur. Paul’s story of the thorn in his flesh in 2 Corinthians is one that has been of great comfort to me. The books of Job and Ecclesiastes both wrestle with the reality of suffering in the world and both settle without formulaic answers only mystery. Job’s prayer “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away blessed be the name of the Lord” is one that I have prayed many times over the years. The Bible is not afraid of a God that does not heal everything on demand. It embraces this mystery, and if our own theology is not big enough to grasp this, then our theology is too small.

I have found a place of peace and acceptance for the reality of my life. I am still attracted to men. Because of my understanding of Scripture I choose not to act on those attractions. I have asked God to take them away, in His grace and goodness he has chosen not to. I am fine with that. I know that the people who wrote the letter against my teaching mean well. They mention in it how God has done miraculous things in their own life, and I am not here to dispute their claims. But taking one’s own experience and universalizing it can cause great harm. I thank God for what he has done in my life, but I do not assume that it will be the same story other same-gender attracted people experience or if they do not get married like I have that they lack an amount of faith that I have. I receive my relationship with my wife as gift.

To those who take offense to my story, I can only say “this is what God has done in my life.” I will respectfully refuse to be judged by you, and I will keep telling my story to as many youth as I can so that they know that if they happen to be attracted to the same sex it IS NOT their fault, and that God is not angry at them or waiting for them to invoke the magic formula to heal them. God loves them and is present with them whether their attractions change or not. Having walked that journey myself I know that young people who are wrestling with the questions of faith and sexuality have enough to deal with already without being told their orientation is their fault or easily changed.

Jesus once admonished the Pharisees for “loading people down with burdens, but not lifting one finger to help lift them.” I believe that Word of Faith teaching does this very thing to those who continue to have same sex attractions. I believe that as Christians we need to stand against this distortion of Scripture. We need to genuinely listen to the stories of our brothers and sisters when they tell us that sincere prayer does not magically take it away, and find ways that we as a Christian community can come around and support them as they seek to walk out lives in a way that honours God. We need a spirit that celebrates what God has done, rather than demand what he has not.

Bridge-Building & Vulnerability by Brian Pengelly

I rarely get nervous about public speaking. Since I was young I have been a natural at being on stage in front of people. Even talking about something as personal as my own sexuality is usually fine with me since I have been doing it for years now. But the opportunity of speaking at the Canadian Youth Workers Convention was a truly nerve wracking experience.

Part of my nerves came from the fact that I only had eighteen minutes in which to talk. Fitting the complexities of my story into an hour is daunting at times, eighteen minutes seemed impossible. I worried that I would have just enough time to offend everyone there, and not enough time to have people grapple with the nuances of my position. It’s one thing to tell people that you are a “gay, conservative evangelical, youth pastor married to a bi-sexual woman” it’s an entirely different thing for people to grasp what that actually means to me.

My friends were all very encouraging to me. “Be yourself!” they said. But that was the real scary part. What if I was myself, and people didn’t like me? Being yourself is a pretty vulnerable thing. It gives people a power over you - a power to hurt you. When you don’t care about others then you can handle rejection much better. But I did care about the people at this convention. They were people like me: youth workers who put up with bad pay and ridiculous demands because they love teens and love Jesus. And I knew that in that audience over two dozen denominations were being represented, from the very liberal to the very conservative. I knew that there would be youth pastors there who struggle with their same sex attractions, and pastors who were openly and comfortably gay.

Whatever I said I wanted more than anything for each of those pastors to go home feeling safe and respected. So I made myself very vulnerable as I spoke. In listening to the recording of it I can hear the tremble in my voice as I shared my own journey and many of the places where I was deeply hurt growing up when I shared about my sexuality.

Then I called for all the people there, wherever they are on the theological perspective, to agree to a few things. First, that no youth should have to fear for their safety the way I did because they are working through these questions (whichever way they eventually go). Secondly, that as we disagree with each other theologically we remember that the worst thing we could say about each other is that we are enemies. Yet Christ called us to love our enemies. So it is imperative that we treat each other with dignity, respect and love. And finally, to remember humility - because Christian history is full of examples of Christians boldly proclaiming what they believed to be the truth with the generations after them discovering that they were wrong.

When I finished speaking I was overwhelmed by the positive response from the audience. I received a standing ovation, which is certainly not something I have received often, and unheard of in my experiences attending this conference. Afterwards many people came to talk to me, and the thing that they said over and over was that it was my vulnerability that had really challenged them to rethink things.

I received an email later on that week from someone in the audience, a youth pastor like myself with a theologically conservative position, but who cared deeply for several gay friends, one of whom was another pastor at the conference. He wrote:

“I have to admit I was scared to death when you were giving your talk. I was scared for my friend that she was going to get hurt again, that she would leave defeated and angry. She get's enough crap from our people and it would just be so frustrating to see her get kicked again. Then when you were speaking I was scared for you. I've been around the youth work block a few times, I know what the guys especially are like, and I though, oh geez, don't show too much, don't let them get too much. Turns out I was blindingly wrong on both counts. Your piercing vulnerability broke down those walls and prejudices and rhetoric. How can you look at a living, breathing vulnerable person and still spit in their face. I know people still do, but it's way harder! So thank you. You have been a bridge, you are a bridge, and while everyone coming up and telling you how great and brave you are is overwhelming and nice in the moment, at some point you will have to wade back in to the struggle of regular life as we all do, and I hope that you know that you gave me hope in a totally different way.”

On reflection, I see that bridge building is an inherently vulnerable thing. You are putting yourself in the middle, and that means you often get caught in the cross fire. It is much easier to pick your side, hunker down in your theological trench and not care about those on the other side. But when we risk being vulnerable, to actually take the time to know and care about others, though we risk rejection, it is in that vulnerability that God’s grace shows up and does miraculous things.

The miracle in this situation is that the friend, who had publicly stated earlier her displeasure with me being there as a speaker, came and apologized to me. “I walked by your booth all through this conference and kept my distance, and then here you were and you honoured me with your talk. I am sorry.” It took vulnerability for her to come and hear me speak. It took humility for her to come and apologize. But that evening I stayed up late into the evening talking with her and her wife, sharing stories, laughing and getting to know each other. Our theologies are still different, but the distrust between us is replaced with friendship and a desire to know and understand each other better.

Choosing to care, and to make yourself vulnerable is a scary thing at times, but when we do it, we walk in the footsteps of a Saviour who was not content to leave us as enemies, but instead chose to make himself vulnerable, even to death on a cross. The conference weekend was an example of what the Spirit does when we are willing to step out. Some days I get tired of constantly putting myself out there, and the backlash that happens when I do. But weekends like that remind me why I do it, and give me the courage to go on.

The Importance of Stories - Part 2 by Brian Pengelly

I know .... we did post them on the same day .... but go read part 1 first ok?


I think the single most dangerous story that we can tell is “God is on my side”. It’s a really easy story to fall back on because it’s like pulling trump in Euchre: it beats everything. If God is on my side, then I don’t have to listen to others, or question myself. If God is on my side, then everything is justifiable.

Ten years ago, I was sure that God was on my side. I was well into Bible college and I thought I had all the answers. I had a narrative that was obviously true, and I didn’t even have to think about it any more. The story I told fit my experience, and fit what I read in scripture. It was SO simple.

The problem with the “God is on my side” story is that it has a nature corollary: “God is NOT on your side.” And when the story is followed to a logical conclusion it ends up with the question “If God is on my side, then why are other people on the other side?” The natural answer became “Because they are bad!” I think at first my internal story went something like this “This who would disagree with me on what the Bible teaches about homosexuality are obviously either unregenerate or just twisting what they know Scripture to say deep down because they just want to be in relationship so bad.”

All of these assumptions shattered when I met a Pastor I will call “Ben”. He was a professor at a conservative Bible College, who I got to know through a mutual friend. He firmly believed that Scripture taught that homosexual unions were blessed by God. He was also as straight as the day was long. By teaching his views he faced the real possibility of losing his job. But his conscience compelled him to speak up because of the hateful homophobia he saw perpetuated around him. He also believed deeply that this understanding was truth, and that he must speak the truth. Ben and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of things when it comes to interpretation of Scripture, but I admire his faith and integrity deeply.

For a time I switched to a kinder but no less arrogant story: “You are deceived!” I could tell myself that he was a good person, but that the devil, or society, or something else had simply blinded him to the obvious truth. I would pray that God would lift the blinders from his eyes so he would see. But a gay friend of mine, once asked me a question when we were discussing this one day. “How do you know that you aren’t the one that is deceived?” I laughed it off at first, but the longer I pondered it the more it sunk in, there was no way that I could prove that I wasn’t. And if I couldn’t prove that I wasn’t deceived then how could I be so sure that he was?

This realization left me in a place of paralyzing epistemological angst. I felt as if surrendering the “God is on my side” story would leave me unable to know anything at all. If I couldn’t be sure, then why believe anything, or do anything? I think one of the reasons why some Christians clamp onto the issue of homosexuality like a pit bull and refuse to let go is because for them it has become the symbol for certainty and belief. It can feel like, “If I let go of “God is on my side” then I will know nothing at all!” Homosexuality seems to have become like the bottom block that their faith is teetering on in a game of Jenga, and if they try to move it everything else will fall down.

For me the answer to this dilemma came through a deeper understanding of the basic Christian doctrine of the Fall. I had to believe there was Truth, and that God’s word was true. But I came to see that I always access that truth through my own falleness. I could have absolute faith in God, but I should not have absolute faith in myself because I am not perfect, and God is still working in me.

That allowed me to construct a new story that shapes my life today. I call it “I am following God as best I know how!” I don’t have to pretend that I am infallible and I have all knowledge, but I am doing the best with what resources I have at my disposal. The best thing about this story is that it is one that I can apply to others as well. When others disagree with me on this topic or any other I do not have to assume they are evil or deceived, I can instead believe good about them.

I believe that starting from this place of believing good about others is a key component to bridging the gap. It assumes that there is something worth building towards, and it requires personal humility. It allows dialog and opens questions. If the other person is good, then why are they acting the way they are? What do we have in common that we can build from? This does not minimize the areas that we do disagree, but does keep me honest and respectful in our disagreement.

I should point out to be fair that this story of “I am following God the best I know how” is just as important in dealing with individuals who are more “conservative” than me as well as those who are more “liberal”. I recently had an encounter with an individual who after reading my testimony wanted to meet with me to pray to cast out the demons oppressing my life as evidenced by the fact that I openly and honestly admit to continuing to have a homosexual orientation. My immediate first reaction was to label the guy a “wingnut” and refuse to meet with him. I joked about him to my friends, and even made a snide comment about it on another blog, and felt justified in doing so.

But then I got a surprise: I received an email from the gentleman several days later profoundly apologizing to me, admitting he had acted rashly and arrogantly, and in a way that was disrespectful and potentially harmful to me. And then he asked to meet with me again, in a coffee shop nearby. My first inclination was to say no, but I felt the promptings of the Spirit, and finally decided to agree to meet with him. We had coffee together and talked for half and hour. He prayed for me. It was his contention that he could sense the oppression of many spirits on me. It is my contention that I sensed no such thing, and that several of the things he interpreted as spiritual signs were better explained by awkwardness and gas. I disagree with his theology on almost every point. But as we met I prayed that God would help me to understand him, and him to understand me. I think that our meeting was productive. Our time has made him begin to reconsider some things given what he experienced in getting to know me. I won’t claim to have changed my views on much, but I can say that I was honestly open to what he said. Our dialog continues, but it does so because both of us are willing to start with the story describing the other as “Following God the best we know how”.

The journey to the point of first recognizing, and then changing the stories that had kept me from building bridges was a long one, and I don’t claim to have everything figured out yet. But then one of the best things about my new story is that I don’t have to have it all figured out yet. But by owning my own falleness instead of just making pronouncements about others, and by extending grace to others even as I ask for it myself, I can be part of creating an environment where the Holy Spirit can most effectively work. And I hope I am helping to set a foundation that is most conducive to the building of bridges. I can’t guarantee or assume that others will want to build a bridge towards me, but by changing the stories I tell myself, I know I have torn down a significant obstacle that used to get in the way.

The Importance of Stories - Part 1 by Brian Pengelly

When I was studying counselling in Seminary I spent many of my classes learning about Cognitive Therapy. This taught me to look for the story or belief that motivated a given behaviour. I learned that often by helping a person change how they interpreted an event, or the story they told about things, great changes in behaviour resulted.

What has been even more fascinating to me is the growing realization that this does not just happen with individuals. Groups of people, whether families, nations, denominations, or corporation, have these stories too. Each cultural grouping has not only its own stories of identity but also tells stories that explain those who are outside their culture and why they are different.

I have found that when interacting with a group of people who are different from me it is very important for me to learn the stories that they tell about themselves. It is also important for me to examine the stories that I tell to explain why they are different from me in light of their stories.

My first glimmering of this idea came when I was still in high school and I went down to Mexico for a summer on a mission trip to build a church. One of the first things that annoyed me about that culture was that nothing ever happened on time! If our team was asked to show up at a church service, we would get there, and almost no one was there. Like many white anglos before me I quickly made up a story to explain this strange behaviour: “Mexicans are lazy and irresponsible.”

But as the summer went on I saw more and more evidence that my story didn’t make sense. I saw many of those in the community getting up at early hours to work jobs, in some cases two jobs, and then come to our worksite and volunteer to work doing hard physical labour long after our team of American teens had packed it in for the day. As a result I was forced to change my story. I felt ashamed that I had jumped to such a judgemental and negative to explain something that I didn’t understand.

What struck me most is that in cultural conflict it seems that both sides are pro something. If I had to sum up my internal conflict that summer, recognizing that this is a huge oversimplification, I would say it was between those who were “pro efficiency” and those who were “pro relationship”. I don’t think anyone would have said they wanted to be known as “anti efficiency” or “anti relationship”.

As I have been living in this strange space trying to bridge the gap between the Christian culture and the gay culture, I have been extremely alarmed by the willingness to jump to tell stories about the other side in contrast to how rarely people are willing to do the work to hear the story of the other side.

If you start with a story like “Gay people are sexually immoral and don’t care about God” or “Christians are narrow minded hateful bigots” then there is almost no way to build a bridge. Christians have often framed their position in debates about homosexuality as being “Pro-Family.” But I have yet to meet anyone who disagrees with them who would describe themselves as “Anti-family”.

I think that a vital step in bridge building is taking the time to listen to the other’s stories, to understand how they think about themselves, and to examine the stories that we have been telling about ourselves and others.

In my next post I will examine some of the stories that I have told about both the Christian community and the gay community over the years, and how listening has changed those stories.

The Power of Presence by Brian Pengelly

This summer I attended my first gay wedding. Jon and I had been friends for 7 years, having first met while we were both part of an Exodus affiliated ministry in the States. In the years since then our lives have taken radically different paths. Two years ago he came to my wedding, flying from the Midwest to Portland, Oregon simply to be there with me on my big day. It was between the service and the reception that we sat down in a basement Sunday school room and he told me that he now had a boyfriend.

I knew then that our friendship would change. Up until that time it had been based on shared experiences and beliefs - beliefs that with the passage of time were changing for him. But I also knew that Jon was a friend that I cared deeply about and I was not going to let this hinder our friendship. So as I hugged him that day I promised him that we would always be friends.

Over the next few years we had a number of long talks, we debated theology and principles of hermeneutics, but also shared laughter and trust. We talked of our relationships and families, and even went on to be filmed for a documentary together. I watched the pain in his life as many of his Christian friends and even family members dropped out of his life.

At first I had questions about whether I should attend his wedding or not. (You can read more about my decision here) But by the time the day rolled around I had settled that in my head. I felt strongly that as a friend and as a Christ follower for me not to have gone would have sent a message of conditional love. That wasn’t what I wanted. So my goal in attending was to simply be present and show my love for Jon and Chris as openly and genuinely as I could.

The night before the wedding my wife and I were invited to a dinner and bachelor party. At the dinner I found myself in the distinct minority of being the only guy at the table there with a girl. Many there were already friends of mine, but it made me aware of what it means to be in the minority. This was especially highlighted when others turned to me and asked “So what do you do for a living anyways?” But after a few tense moments of explaining, tongue firmly implanted in cheek, that I was “in the business of forcing gay people to become straight”, people around me laughed and began to relax, and ask questions. For several of the people there, the fact that as a conservative Christian I would be willing to travel and simply be there for an event like this meant that they were willing to listen to what I had to say. And as I respectfully shared, and more importantly listened to their stories and experiences, I was able to make new friends. I even got to help a couple people see that simply because they were gay didn’t mean that Christians had to treat them like jerks.

The wedding itself was done in the Quaker tradition, with the focus on silence and collective sharing. When my time came, I spoke words from my heart. Many there knew who I was from the documentary we did together, and I knew there was some tension at what I would say. By speaking words of honest grace and love, speaking of our friendship and the good that was in the two of them even in the known tension of our differing beliefs, I believe that I acted in good faith as a friend and a Christ follower. When I finally got to Jon and Chris in the receiving line, they both hugged me and told me how grateful they were that I had come, and how much it meant to them.

And then there was an awkward moment as I had to explain to them that I could not sign the guest registry. According to Quaker tradition, all those who did so were seen as officiates in the wedding, and my own vows and conscience prohibited me from doing so. For me it was the line in the sand I couldn’t cross in good faith. But Jon just smiled. Our friendship was built on respect, and he respected my own beliefs and limitations, and valued me for who I was, even as I valued him. “I’m just glad you’re here” he told me.

As I drove home I was full of mixed emotions, happy and sad all at once. Happy for the good things happening in Jon’s life, and happy for the friendship we still shared. Sad, at the same time, for the loss of shared values and beliefs. What I appreciated most was that Jon accepted all of those feelings in me that weekend, even as I accepted him. It occurred to me on the way home how many rich and meaningful conversations I got to have that weekend and that in many ways I had gotten to minister that weekend, sharing what I believe, caring for others and more… but that if I had gone seeing the weekend as an opportunity to minister I don’t think I would have been in the right place to do so at all. In the end it was my willingness to simply be present in Jon’s life with no strings attached that allowed me to both minister to others, and in truth be ministered to by others. And that is enough.

the meaning of being “missional”

Yesterday over 50 bloggers banded together to do a synchro-blog on the meaning of being “missional”. The synchro-blog was at the instigation of Rick Meigs at blindbeggar.org with the intention of reclaiming the term missional. It seems many have feared missional was becoming unclear in its meaning. This is a bit of a late addition to the conversation.

As I read the blogs involved in the dialog on the meaning of the word “missional” and the abuses of the label, one quote by Rick stuck out to me:

Let us be very clear about what it is not first. It is NOT a method, model, style, agenda, program, or even an exhaustive theology. Missional is a stance, a way of thinking, a lifestyle.

I like the description that missional is a stance, or a lifestyle. It helps explain why I would be uncomfortable describing the “Bridging the Gap” resource as being missional. “Bridiging the Gap” as a small group DVD resource is a tool, not a person. I think much of the confusion that surrounds the word “missional” has come from the desire to use it as a marketing tag. It can be tempting to use such tags as a short form, a way to get people’s attention and let them know “You are going to like this product because we care about the same things you do!”

But products are not missional, people are. Both Wendy and I, and many others working hard on this project, would all identify ourselves as attempting to adopt a missional stance. (If you would to know more on what that means please read more of Rick’s blog) And we hope that this project will reflect that stance that we are trying to live out in our lives, in our relationships and in our conversations – including the conversations on this blog. I know this project was born out of our personal journeys as we have attempted to follow God and what He was already doing among our gay neighbours. I also hope and pray that this resource will help others as they attempt to assume a missional stance in their own lives towards the gay and lesbian people in their circle of influence.

By calling a resource missional, I fear that we could reinforce the trend of using important theological words as marketing, and participate in the consumer idea that has infiltrated even Christian thinking in our culture. The idea that what we consume defines who we are, and so if I use missional products, or go to a missional church or missional conference, then I am a missional person.

So as tempting as it might be to use tags to get our resource product into the hands of many people, we hope to avoid that trap. In the end, our small group resource is meant to be both a model and a catalyst – and people will need to think for themselves and determine if they will adopt a missional stance in their every day lives and their every day encounters with the gay and lesbian people around them.

As important as ideas are – even missional ideas – they really won’t account for much until we actually live as missional people. “Bridging the Gap” is simply meant to be a catalyst and an encouragement to real people, living real lives, engaging real neighbours from a missional stance.

-Brian Pengelly

Will you be my friend? by Brian Pengelly

I was riding the subway the other day, crammed like a human sardine during rush hour traffic. I was trying very hard to ignore the couple hundred other people squished uncomfortably close in the car with me when an attractive woman in her early twenties turned toward me and said “How are you doing today?” with a beaming white smile.

I almost didn’t hear her over the music playing in my I-pod, but blinking in surprise I pulled out my ear bud and smiled back. “Pretty good. How are you?” My mind started racing. I must confess that young attractive female strangers talking to me is not something that happens very often and so my mind began spinning. "Do I know her? Where from?"

We chit chatted for the next minute about the crowdedness, the weather, and such and I was starting to relax and enjoy the conversation.
Just as we pulled away from the station the conversation took a turn.

“You know I find it so comforting to know that in the uncertainties of life that I always have the teachings of the Prophet and the elders to guide me…”

My eyes flashed down and for the first time noticed a detail I had missed with her crowded so close. A name tag that declared her to be a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

And then it occurred to me. She wasn't interested in ME. She wasn’t talking to me because she wanted to be my friend. She wasn’t talking to me because of my good looks or charm, or out of any real interest in who I am.

Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Now think of your gay neighbour. Do you really want to be their friend? I have had many non-Christian friends tell me about the frustration of befriending Christians who seemed to deeply care about them until they realized that they weren’t interested in converting. You see being friends with someone isn’t about what you will get from them, or how you will change them…its about genuinely caring about them whether they change to be more like you or not.

There is a world of difference between being filled with God’s love so that we want to love others, including our gay neighbours, and an entirely different thing to be friendly toward people to get our way. One is what we are called to as Christians, the other is patronizing.