The culture wars surrounding the topic of homosexuality have sucked up tremendous resources, have left devastated casualties in their wake, and continue to perpetuate polarization and enmity – most clearly seen in the divide between the Christian community and the gay community. The diversity and divisiveness surrounding gay issues is staggering. Even the above statement needs to be unpacked. The sense of polarization is not simply between the Christian community and the gay community as if both of those communities were completely monolithic and mutually exclusive. Rather, we see fractures within the Christian community and disagreements within the gay community. In the midst of this wasteland are gay Christians – a diverse group of people too – who often find very little safe harbour on either side of the divide.
The intensity of this divide is ratcheted up several notches during annual Pride weeks. We’ve all seen the photos of the attempted Christian messages at Pride events. Placards and signs and megaphones. And many of us are grieved. Many of us disconnect and say, “That doesn’t represent the Jesus I know. That doesn’t represent me.”
We want to invite you to join us in a synchro-blog on the Wednesday of Pride week, June 24, to speak up and speak out of your heart to address this terrible divide.
New Direction has been seeking to foster safe and generous space for authentic conversation about faith and sexuality. We have committed ourselves to building bridges. But we cannot do it alone. We need other Christ-followers: gay and straight and everything in between, to speak up and join the conversation, to share the heart of the gospel in the midst of this conflict. We need those beyond the walls of the church: gay and straight and everything in between, to speak up and join the conversation, to share their thoughts on how the church can reach across the divide and build bridges.
If you've seen our DVD resource called, “Bridging the Gap: Conversations on Befriending Our Gay Neighbours” and would like to offer a review that day - that would be great. If you'd simply like to offer your own thoughts on what is needed to break down the dividing walls that continue to wound, alienate and obscure the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ - that is great too. And for those who read this blog who do not identify as Christian - please consider participating! Those of us who do identify as Christian need to hear your perspectives. We need to listen to and learn from each other.
So please, spread share this invitation with others you think would have a thoughtful contribution to make!
Our prayer is that this synchro-blog would model an opportunity for multiple conversations, from multiple perspectives, with a commitment to hear one another with grace, humility and respect.
Tony Campolo says, “I hope that you do much good in building the bridges between conflicting parties on a controversial issue that is destroying the church of Jesus Christ today. What you are doing is of vital importance. My prayers are with you.”
Greg Paul says, “Trying to bring together two groups of people who really don't want to like each other isn't easy. Try to imagine building a bridge across a turbulent river, in the midst of a raging battle - with both sides shooting at you... Such radical reconciliation efforts come only at a cost, but so does the Gospel itself. New Direction, many years ago, was one of those Christian organizations that gay, lesbian and transgendered people loved to hate. In the intervening years, it has become one of the few true bridge builders between evangelical Christians and the gay community.”
For more information & to sign up to participate in our synchro-blog email:
wendy@newdirection.ca
I look forward to engaging your thoughts and contributions on June 24!
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Outrageous Grace
I have a little daily calendar that displays a passage from the Message. (Have I told you that I am completely addicted to the Message? I'm even using it this year for my "read through the Bible in a year" readings.) Almost without fail, this little calendar, that I seriously got at a yard sale for $.25, is like a cup of cold water to me. Today's verse:
"Sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life - a life that goes on and on and on, world without end" Romans 5: 20-21
Stunning isn't it?
Reminds me of a song written by a crazy Brit we recently had at our church, Godfrey Birtill:
Verse 1
There’s a lot of pain but a lot more healing
There’s a lot of trouble but a lot more peace
There’s a lot of hate but a lot more loving
There’s a lot of sin but a lot more grace
Chorus
Oh outrageous grace oh outrageous grace
Love unfurled by heaven’s hand
Oh outrageous grace oh outrageous grace
Through my Jesus I can stand
Verse 2
There’s a lot of fear but a lot more freedom
There’s a lot of darkness but a lot more light
There’s a lot of cloud but a lot more vision
There’s a lot of perishing but a lot more life
Bridge
There’s an enemy
That seeks to kill what it can’t control
It twists and turns
Making mountains out of molehills
But I will call on my Lord
Who is worthy of praise
I run to Him and I am saved
Copyright © 2000 Thankyou Music/PRS
(adm. worldwide by worshiptogether.com Songs
excluding the UK and Europe which is adm. by Kingsway Music tym@kingsway.co.uk).
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Anyone in need of some grace today?
"Sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life - a life that goes on and on and on, world without end" Romans 5: 20-21
Stunning isn't it?
Reminds me of a song written by a crazy Brit we recently had at our church, Godfrey Birtill:
Verse 1
There’s a lot of pain but a lot more healing
There’s a lot of trouble but a lot more peace
There’s a lot of hate but a lot more loving
There’s a lot of sin but a lot more grace
Chorus
Oh outrageous grace oh outrageous grace
Love unfurled by heaven’s hand
Oh outrageous grace oh outrageous grace
Through my Jesus I can stand
Verse 2
There’s a lot of fear but a lot more freedom
There’s a lot of darkness but a lot more light
There’s a lot of cloud but a lot more vision
There’s a lot of perishing but a lot more life
Bridge
There’s an enemy
That seeks to kill what it can’t control
It twists and turns
Making mountains out of molehills
But I will call on my Lord
Who is worthy of praise
I run to Him and I am saved
Copyright © 2000 Thankyou Music/PRS
(adm. worldwide by worshiptogether.com Songs
excluding the UK and Europe which is adm. by Kingsway Music tym@kingsway.co.uk).
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Anyone in need of some grace today?
Monday, May 4, 2009
Like a Weaned Child
You know those days when you just feel stressed…. Overwhelmed….?
Today was one of those days.
I follow a lot of conversations on a daily basis. I read a lot and think a lot and pray a lot – in the midst of trying to get all my New Direction work done and keeping my household with a husband and three young children from complete and utter chaos, as well as serving as an elder in my neighbourhood fellowship. Life is busy.
And today I just couldn’t shut my brain off.
First off, I encountered a couple of sites that had picked up on my “Dealing with Conflict” post ….. and they both were harsh towards Exodus IMO ….. and harsh just isn’t my style ….. it made me sad (and for inexplicable reasons triggered my not-so-latent Calvinistic guilt complex).
Later I met with a gay friend. This individual is in ministry in a conservative evangelical denomination. I respect this person’s integrity, commitment to honour Christ while navigating many questions, their love for the church, and willingness to be gracious. This person has walked in obedience. And this friend has been dealing with crap! People, who should be mature followers of Jesus, well versed in the ways of grace, have made assumptions, gossiped, reacted out of their own anxiety and fear, and forgotten that the Body of Christ is a place for all who seek Jesus and that ministry leaders are human beings not just human-doings on the church payroll. And I just felt sad and frustrated and helpless. So I tried to just listen and encourage…..
Then I was pointed to a blog conversation by a someone who wanted me to jump in. And as I scanned the numerous comments I felt my heart sink. A particularly dominant voice seemed so caustic, so certain, so loud (well at least judging by the bold and CAPS) ….. and this voice would sign off saying, “with respect…..blah, blah, blah….” And I thought to myself, “Is that respect? Really? When it is quite clear that in your mind, your way is the only way?” And I just couldn’t face engaging a conversation with those who are so certain and so confrontational.
I got about 20 emails today from people who wanted something ….. and some were so cryptic I still don’t know what they’re actually asking of me. And saying ‘no’ is hard for me.
And I just want to move to a tropical island, sit in the sun and watch the waves roll in. (But I can’t because many of them are so anti-gay that they condone hatred and violence toward glbtq people)
So why do I share all this? Just to garner some sympathy? No. I'm not looking for sympathy. I want honesty and authenticity. This blog is about bridging the gap – and the truth is that it is complex and difficult and overwhelming. And it costs us.
It means we will grieve. It means we will be overwhelmed at times – and stressed out. And I, for one, want to be very realistic about that.
It will require that we continually go back to the source of all life – Jesus Christ. Not for the perfect answer, not for the resolution to all the tension and uncertainty, not for some triumphant declaration ….. no, we go to Jesus for life.
In Christ, we begin to breathe again. We lay our racing minds and flustered emotions and weary spirits before him …. and he scoops them up so tenderly in his nail-scarred hands. And he looks in our faces with such love, such understanding – knowing it all. And he leans toward us and whispers in our ear, “Child, I’m so proud of you. Keep going. Keep loving. Keep serving. Keep hoping.” And then he breathes on us and we fill our lungs with this beautiful fragrance of all that is right and true and alive….. and in those moments our spirits are revived.
Psalm 131
My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.
Today was one of those days.
I follow a lot of conversations on a daily basis. I read a lot and think a lot and pray a lot – in the midst of trying to get all my New Direction work done and keeping my household with a husband and three young children from complete and utter chaos, as well as serving as an elder in my neighbourhood fellowship. Life is busy.
And today I just couldn’t shut my brain off.
First off, I encountered a couple of sites that had picked up on my “Dealing with Conflict” post ….. and they both were harsh towards Exodus IMO ….. and harsh just isn’t my style ….. it made me sad (and for inexplicable reasons triggered my not-so-latent Calvinistic guilt complex).
Later I met with a gay friend. This individual is in ministry in a conservative evangelical denomination. I respect this person’s integrity, commitment to honour Christ while navigating many questions, their love for the church, and willingness to be gracious. This person has walked in obedience. And this friend has been dealing with crap! People, who should be mature followers of Jesus, well versed in the ways of grace, have made assumptions, gossiped, reacted out of their own anxiety and fear, and forgotten that the Body of Christ is a place for all who seek Jesus and that ministry leaders are human beings not just human-doings on the church payroll. And I just felt sad and frustrated and helpless. So I tried to just listen and encourage…..
Then I was pointed to a blog conversation by a someone who wanted me to jump in. And as I scanned the numerous comments I felt my heart sink. A particularly dominant voice seemed so caustic, so certain, so loud (well at least judging by the bold and CAPS) ….. and this voice would sign off saying, “with respect…..blah, blah, blah….” And I thought to myself, “Is that respect? Really? When it is quite clear that in your mind, your way is the only way?” And I just couldn’t face engaging a conversation with those who are so certain and so confrontational.
I got about 20 emails today from people who wanted something ….. and some were so cryptic I still don’t know what they’re actually asking of me. And saying ‘no’ is hard for me.
And I just want to move to a tropical island, sit in the sun and watch the waves roll in. (But I can’t because many of them are so anti-gay that they condone hatred and violence toward glbtq people)
So why do I share all this? Just to garner some sympathy? No. I'm not looking for sympathy. I want honesty and authenticity. This blog is about bridging the gap – and the truth is that it is complex and difficult and overwhelming. And it costs us.
It means we will grieve. It means we will be overwhelmed at times – and stressed out. And I, for one, want to be very realistic about that.
It will require that we continually go back to the source of all life – Jesus Christ. Not for the perfect answer, not for the resolution to all the tension and uncertainty, not for some triumphant declaration ….. no, we go to Jesus for life.
In Christ, we begin to breathe again. We lay our racing minds and flustered emotions and weary spirits before him …. and he scoops them up so tenderly in his nail-scarred hands. And he looks in our faces with such love, such understanding – knowing it all. And he leans toward us and whispers in our ear, “Child, I’m so proud of you. Keep going. Keep loving. Keep serving. Keep hoping.” And then he breathes on us and we fill our lungs with this beautiful fragrance of all that is right and true and alive….. and in those moments our spirits are revived.
Psalm 131
My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Preaching on a Sunday Morning
There she was. A shy, tiny 16 year old girl. She wanted to talk to me, I was told. “She doesn’t normally come to church – she just happened to be here – and told her mom she wanted to talk to you.” Her voice was so soft I could barely hear her with kids racing around and adults chatting over coffee. She said, “I really like what you said in there. There is a gay-straight alliance at my school that I’m a part of. My mom didn’t want me to go to it – and she wouldn’t let me have any of my gay friends over….. but when she heard your sermon this morning she told me she’d been wrong. I just wanted to say thank you. I really like what you’re doing.”
We chatted for a few minutes and I encouraged her to keep loving and serving her gay friends. And as the conversation came to a close she tentatively reached out to hug me. Normally, I don’t feel like a giant – but in my high heels and with my motherly figure such as it is these days – I felt huge as I enveloped this wisp of a girl into an embrace. By now, her dark eyeliner and mascara were smudged all over her face, and she whispered one more, “thank you” and disappeared.
These are the moments that stand out as the precious ones. I don’t really care if people “like” my preaching. Why is it that people say “good sermon” anyway …..? Good for what? I don’t want to just be a good public speaker, a good communicator, someone who kept people’s attention, kept them interested – or heaven forbid entertained them …… I long for all of us, in the preaching of the Word, to be cut to the quick – to be taken over by the Living Word – to be changed, to be profoundly reminded of the grace in which we stand, to be renewed in the radical commitment to bridge the gap in every conversation, every relationship, every opportunity to be the very embodiment of the love of Christ in the flesh – to carry out and carry on the work of the incarnation. I long for us to be so secure in the love of the Father – that we willingly enter the insecurity of loving those who are different than we are.
And a tiny, wisp of a girl – who waits on the fringe, not sure if church is really for her ….. this tiny, wisp of a girl got it. How cool is that!!
We chatted for a few minutes and I encouraged her to keep loving and serving her gay friends. And as the conversation came to a close she tentatively reached out to hug me. Normally, I don’t feel like a giant – but in my high heels and with my motherly figure such as it is these days – I felt huge as I enveloped this wisp of a girl into an embrace. By now, her dark eyeliner and mascara were smudged all over her face, and she whispered one more, “thank you” and disappeared.
These are the moments that stand out as the precious ones. I don’t really care if people “like” my preaching. Why is it that people say “good sermon” anyway …..? Good for what? I don’t want to just be a good public speaker, a good communicator, someone who kept people’s attention, kept them interested – or heaven forbid entertained them …… I long for all of us, in the preaching of the Word, to be cut to the quick – to be taken over by the Living Word – to be changed, to be profoundly reminded of the grace in which we stand, to be renewed in the radical commitment to bridge the gap in every conversation, every relationship, every opportunity to be the very embodiment of the love of Christ in the flesh – to carry out and carry on the work of the incarnation. I long for us to be so secure in the love of the Father – that we willingly enter the insecurity of loving those who are different than we are.
And a tiny, wisp of a girl – who waits on the fringe, not sure if church is really for her ….. this tiny, wisp of a girl got it. How cool is that!!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Some steps in bridge building
Someone has anonymously commented on my last post – and given that my response to them was getting longer and longer – I decided to just make it it’s own post.
This commenter asked:
"How do we get to the point of seeing this issue as an area of disagreement rather than a salvation issue?"
This is a core question - and not one I have a perfect and complete answer for. But here are some thoughts:
If we are saved by grace alone through faith in Jesus Christ, then the issue of salvation is wrapped up in this truth. (Romans 5:1-3) Jesus Christ has already accomplished all that is needed for us to be restored to living relationship with God - for now and eternity. This reality is actualized as we are aware and receptive to this invitation of relationship. This reality cannot be earned or destroyed because of what we do. Our experience of this reality may be marred by what we do - but the reality of our redemption is secure in Christ. All of us find ourselves falling short of the glory of God deserving of eternal separation from God. But thanks be to God, we have been reconciled in Christ. The tragedy is that there are human beings who do not accept or acknowledge the reality of this reconciliation that is their's in Christ.
Now - there will be Christians who disagree on this understanding of justification - and if so, it may be very difficult for them to bridge the gap in viewing those who disagree with them on homosexuality as just as caught up in the reconciling reality of Christ as they are. But for those who can and do embrace this understanding of justification, there is hope for viewing fellow Christians who disagree with us on any number of topics (homosexuality just being one) as positioned to receive the same free gift of grace and redemption through Christ.
(Note: For those of you who now think I'm a universalist, let me clarify that while I do not believe our actions can destroy the redemption that Christ has accomplished on our behalf - I do see that such redemption is effective through our receptivity of it. Therefore, if a human being refuses to receive the reality of their redemption, it ceases to be actualized for them. For a more robust articulation of this understanding of justification, I might suggest reading Baxter Kruger - an actual theologian - which I am not.)
So, I view sexual ethics then as an issue of sanctification (the process of becoming more like Christ) - not justification. This frees me to engage my brothers and sisters who testify to being receptive of Christ's accomplished redemption on their behalf - regardless of where they are at in the process of sanctification and including those who disagree with me about areas that need sanctifying. For example, take an issue like divorce. Christians disagree on the acceptability of divorce and remarriage. But despite these disagreements, most Christians would view a divorced and/or remarried person who identifies as a Christian to be a genuine follower of Jesus.
Those who share this view of justification, even those who hold a very conservative view of sexual ethics, have the capacity to be able to receive someone who holds a different perspective than they do as a mutual pilgrim on the journey of faith - seeking to know and live out God's will for their lives. Because the area of sexual ethics can be so charged, so threatening, so frightening, I think it is important in conversations about homosexuality to remind one another of the basis of our justification. We may disagree with a gay Christian's decision to marry or be in relationship with a same-gender partner, but if we revisit the question of justification then we will hopefully have the humility and grace to understand that this individual has just as much access to live in the reality of Christ's redemption as anyone else does. (Ephesians 2:8-10) And then hopefully we will recognize that it is truly only God who can judge the receptivity of the fullness of Christ's redemption in any human heart. By being a recipient of the free gift of grace, I am then invited to extend the same grace to others - entrusting them and their understanding of Scripture in relation to issues of sanctification to God.
Now this can leave many unanswered questions. I’ll surmise on some of the common ones I hear:
"Do I never share what I believe with the other person?"
Sharing what we believe with someone who holds a different perspective than we do is always a matter of discernment and ought to require of us to search our own motives. If we are sharing what we believe in the context of relationship, where there is rapport and trust established, where we have demonstrated that we are as willing to listen as to speak, then we are most likely to encounter receptivity on the other person's part to at least listen. If we are sharing what we believe because we have sensed the Holy Spirit nudging us to speak, and we've waited for a sense of confirmation, then we are most likely to encounter receptivity. If we are sharing what we believe from a place of love - and not from fear or a desire to control - then we are most likely to encounter receptivity. And if we are able to share with no strings attached, (ie. "If you don't agree with me - this relationship is done.) truly entrusting the other person to Christ with the full assurance that the Holy Spirit is more than able to convict and challenge them in the appropriate areas at the appropriate times, then I think we can be useful in building bridges. (I Peter 3:15)
"What boundaries on behaviour should a church have?"
Any church community needs to have clear and shared understanding about appropriate behaviour for those who identify as followers of Jesus Christ, called to be his representatives in the world. (An example of such a process is found in Acts 15) On the issue of homosexuality, some church communities will have a consensus that homosexual behaviour is precluded by Scripture. Other church communities will have consensus that homosexual behaviour expressed in committed, monogamous relationships can be consistent with living a God-honouring life. And then there are church communities where there is a lack of consensus because different people have different perspectives. This last description is one that I see more and more frequently. There may be official policies on the books of the church - but in reality, there is diversity of perspective. One way that such a church can move forward is to have a clear and shared understanding that the issue of homosexuality is a disputable matter in that congregation - that members will not sit in judgment over one another - and that there will be a commitment to honour each other's true convictions on this topic. Wherever a church finds itself, I think everyone benefits from a clear understanding of where a church is landing. This means the members are clear on the expectations and it means those who visit or consider attending (including gay people) will have a clear understanding with no surprises down the road. Part of this clear understanding will need to articulate a church's position on specific questions like leadership roles, church membership, and marriage. Regardless of the position a church takes, I believe each congregation needs to be challenged and encouraged to be a welcoming place to all people - including those who hold a different perspectives.
"How do I correct a brother or sister in Christ who is making choices I believe are inconsistent with Scripture?"
Similar to my responses to the first question, words of correction require discernment, maturity and humility. Scripture teaches us that as a follower of Jesus we are not an island. God places us in community and we are encouraged to not give up meeting together. (Hebrews 10:25) Doing life together is a significant factor in growing spiritually – and part of that means that we need to care for one another enough to confront and correct one another. Such correction always needs to come with gentleness and not out of fear or anger. (II Timothy 4:2)
"If gay people can go to heaven even if they are in a gay relationship - then why would any gay people choose celibacy or try to pursue the opportunity for a healthy heterosexual marriage?"
I often encounter a fear among conservative Christians that if we are too accepting of gay-affirming Christians then we’ll all just slide down the slippery slope of liberalism and relativism. I hear a lot of fear in this kind of response, fear for the future of the church. What those of us who are seeking to build bridges need to stay connected to is the truth that God is in control. We don’t need to control everything – God is in control. God, through the generations, has spoken and is speaking and will speak. Scripture tells us that God’s Word is alive and active and powerful. (Hebrews 4:12) God will continue to speak to individuals and to church communities, convicting, challenging, encouraging, and leading. There will continue to be people who experience same-gender attraction who believe God is calling them to refrain from engaging in a gay relationship. There will continue to be people who experience same-gender attraction who believe the integration of their faith and sexuality leads them to make a life-long commitment to a same-sex partner. People will live out their convictions in different ways. This has always been a reality in the church – and will be a reality in the future. There are so many different areas in each of our lives where we could be more fully living out God’s best intentions for us. None of us hits the mark. Which is why we are a people who live by grace. Not a cheap grace – doing whatever we feel like and assuming God’s grace will cover it anyway. But rather, the grace of knowing that though we can never measure up, can never fulfill God’s law, can never be fully like Christ this side of heaven, Christ has made a way for us to be reconciled to God. (Romans 3:23) For example, Scripture tells us to sell all we have to give to the poor, to deny ourselves, to pour out our lives on behalf of the weak and needy….. how many of us live that out fully? How many of us, in the fat, wealthy Western church, have come to terms with our wealth, see it as God’s blessing, and live at peace with God? There would be those who radically disagree – who have sold all they have and are living among the poor. When those who live among the poor can have the grace and maturity and humility to accept those of us who continue to live in bigger houses than we need, continue to buy more stuff than we possibly can use, eat more food than our bodies require etc., I think they model for us a way to be the Body of Christ together – accepting that we all need to wrestle with God is asking of us in our lives. (Colossians 3:13)
I received an email some weeks ago from a ministry leader. He spoke about how he has always believed that God’s best intention is for same-gender attracted people to not express that in sexual behaviour or relationships. He has owned and lived out that conviction, first as a single man for many years, and now as happily married man with his wife. But he also readily acknowledged the faith of gay people who hold a gay-affirming perspective. It seems to me, that there is more of a spaciousness in which such perspectives can be shared today than there was even just five or ten years ago. I pray that such spaciousness arises from a place of grace, humility and maturity – and from a radical faith in a radical God who extends the redemption won through Christ to all people.
These are some of my thoughts ..... What do you think?
This commenter asked:
"How do we get to the point of seeing this issue as an area of disagreement rather than a salvation issue?"
This is a core question - and not one I have a perfect and complete answer for. But here are some thoughts:
If we are saved by grace alone through faith in Jesus Christ, then the issue of salvation is wrapped up in this truth. (Romans 5:1-3) Jesus Christ has already accomplished all that is needed for us to be restored to living relationship with God - for now and eternity. This reality is actualized as we are aware and receptive to this invitation of relationship. This reality cannot be earned or destroyed because of what we do. Our experience of this reality may be marred by what we do - but the reality of our redemption is secure in Christ. All of us find ourselves falling short of the glory of God deserving of eternal separation from God. But thanks be to God, we have been reconciled in Christ. The tragedy is that there are human beings who do not accept or acknowledge the reality of this reconciliation that is their's in Christ.
Now - there will be Christians who disagree on this understanding of justification - and if so, it may be very difficult for them to bridge the gap in viewing those who disagree with them on homosexuality as just as caught up in the reconciling reality of Christ as they are. But for those who can and do embrace this understanding of justification, there is hope for viewing fellow Christians who disagree with us on any number of topics (homosexuality just being one) as positioned to receive the same free gift of grace and redemption through Christ.
(Note: For those of you who now think I'm a universalist, let me clarify that while I do not believe our actions can destroy the redemption that Christ has accomplished on our behalf - I do see that such redemption is effective through our receptivity of it. Therefore, if a human being refuses to receive the reality of their redemption, it ceases to be actualized for them. For a more robust articulation of this understanding of justification, I might suggest reading Baxter Kruger - an actual theologian - which I am not.)
So, I view sexual ethics then as an issue of sanctification (the process of becoming more like Christ) - not justification. This frees me to engage my brothers and sisters who testify to being receptive of Christ's accomplished redemption on their behalf - regardless of where they are at in the process of sanctification and including those who disagree with me about areas that need sanctifying. For example, take an issue like divorce. Christians disagree on the acceptability of divorce and remarriage. But despite these disagreements, most Christians would view a divorced and/or remarried person who identifies as a Christian to be a genuine follower of Jesus.
Those who share this view of justification, even those who hold a very conservative view of sexual ethics, have the capacity to be able to receive someone who holds a different perspective than they do as a mutual pilgrim on the journey of faith - seeking to know and live out God's will for their lives. Because the area of sexual ethics can be so charged, so threatening, so frightening, I think it is important in conversations about homosexuality to remind one another of the basis of our justification. We may disagree with a gay Christian's decision to marry or be in relationship with a same-gender partner, but if we revisit the question of justification then we will hopefully have the humility and grace to understand that this individual has just as much access to live in the reality of Christ's redemption as anyone else does. (Ephesians 2:8-10) And then hopefully we will recognize that it is truly only God who can judge the receptivity of the fullness of Christ's redemption in any human heart. By being a recipient of the free gift of grace, I am then invited to extend the same grace to others - entrusting them and their understanding of Scripture in relation to issues of sanctification to God.
Now this can leave many unanswered questions. I’ll surmise on some of the common ones I hear:
"Do I never share what I believe with the other person?"
Sharing what we believe with someone who holds a different perspective than we do is always a matter of discernment and ought to require of us to search our own motives. If we are sharing what we believe in the context of relationship, where there is rapport and trust established, where we have demonstrated that we are as willing to listen as to speak, then we are most likely to encounter receptivity on the other person's part to at least listen. If we are sharing what we believe because we have sensed the Holy Spirit nudging us to speak, and we've waited for a sense of confirmation, then we are most likely to encounter receptivity. If we are sharing what we believe from a place of love - and not from fear or a desire to control - then we are most likely to encounter receptivity. And if we are able to share with no strings attached, (ie. "If you don't agree with me - this relationship is done.) truly entrusting the other person to Christ with the full assurance that the Holy Spirit is more than able to convict and challenge them in the appropriate areas at the appropriate times, then I think we can be useful in building bridges. (I Peter 3:15)
"What boundaries on behaviour should a church have?"
Any church community needs to have clear and shared understanding about appropriate behaviour for those who identify as followers of Jesus Christ, called to be his representatives in the world. (An example of such a process is found in Acts 15) On the issue of homosexuality, some church communities will have a consensus that homosexual behaviour is precluded by Scripture. Other church communities will have consensus that homosexual behaviour expressed in committed, monogamous relationships can be consistent with living a God-honouring life. And then there are church communities where there is a lack of consensus because different people have different perspectives. This last description is one that I see more and more frequently. There may be official policies on the books of the church - but in reality, there is diversity of perspective. One way that such a church can move forward is to have a clear and shared understanding that the issue of homosexuality is a disputable matter in that congregation - that members will not sit in judgment over one another - and that there will be a commitment to honour each other's true convictions on this topic. Wherever a church finds itself, I think everyone benefits from a clear understanding of where a church is landing. This means the members are clear on the expectations and it means those who visit or consider attending (including gay people) will have a clear understanding with no surprises down the road. Part of this clear understanding will need to articulate a church's position on specific questions like leadership roles, church membership, and marriage. Regardless of the position a church takes, I believe each congregation needs to be challenged and encouraged to be a welcoming place to all people - including those who hold a different perspectives.
"How do I correct a brother or sister in Christ who is making choices I believe are inconsistent with Scripture?"
Similar to my responses to the first question, words of correction require discernment, maturity and humility. Scripture teaches us that as a follower of Jesus we are not an island. God places us in community and we are encouraged to not give up meeting together. (Hebrews 10:25) Doing life together is a significant factor in growing spiritually – and part of that means that we need to care for one another enough to confront and correct one another. Such correction always needs to come with gentleness and not out of fear or anger. (II Timothy 4:2)
"If gay people can go to heaven even if they are in a gay relationship - then why would any gay people choose celibacy or try to pursue the opportunity for a healthy heterosexual marriage?"
I often encounter a fear among conservative Christians that if we are too accepting of gay-affirming Christians then we’ll all just slide down the slippery slope of liberalism and relativism. I hear a lot of fear in this kind of response, fear for the future of the church. What those of us who are seeking to build bridges need to stay connected to is the truth that God is in control. We don’t need to control everything – God is in control. God, through the generations, has spoken and is speaking and will speak. Scripture tells us that God’s Word is alive and active and powerful. (Hebrews 4:12) God will continue to speak to individuals and to church communities, convicting, challenging, encouraging, and leading. There will continue to be people who experience same-gender attraction who believe God is calling them to refrain from engaging in a gay relationship. There will continue to be people who experience same-gender attraction who believe the integration of their faith and sexuality leads them to make a life-long commitment to a same-sex partner. People will live out their convictions in different ways. This has always been a reality in the church – and will be a reality in the future. There are so many different areas in each of our lives where we could be more fully living out God’s best intentions for us. None of us hits the mark. Which is why we are a people who live by grace. Not a cheap grace – doing whatever we feel like and assuming God’s grace will cover it anyway. But rather, the grace of knowing that though we can never measure up, can never fulfill God’s law, can never be fully like Christ this side of heaven, Christ has made a way for us to be reconciled to God. (Romans 3:23) For example, Scripture tells us to sell all we have to give to the poor, to deny ourselves, to pour out our lives on behalf of the weak and needy….. how many of us live that out fully? How many of us, in the fat, wealthy Western church, have come to terms with our wealth, see it as God’s blessing, and live at peace with God? There would be those who radically disagree – who have sold all they have and are living among the poor. When those who live among the poor can have the grace and maturity and humility to accept those of us who continue to live in bigger houses than we need, continue to buy more stuff than we possibly can use, eat more food than our bodies require etc., I think they model for us a way to be the Body of Christ together – accepting that we all need to wrestle with God is asking of us in our lives. (Colossians 3:13)
I received an email some weeks ago from a ministry leader. He spoke about how he has always believed that God’s best intention is for same-gender attracted people to not express that in sexual behaviour or relationships. He has owned and lived out that conviction, first as a single man for many years, and now as happily married man with his wife. But he also readily acknowledged the faith of gay people who hold a gay-affirming perspective. It seems to me, that there is more of a spaciousness in which such perspectives can be shared today than there was even just five or ten years ago. I pray that such spaciousness arises from a place of grace, humility and maturity – and from a radical faith in a radical God who extends the redemption won through Christ to all people.
These are some of my thoughts ..... What do you think?
Monday, March 16, 2009
A 3 Strand Cord
I consider three different cords in living out the gospel with our gay neighbours.
First there is mission: reaching our gay neighbours who do not experience relationship with Jesus Christ with the good news of His love.
Second is justice: speaking out on issues of unjust treatment and the ways we fail to honour the image of God in our gay neighbours AND living out justice by treating our gay neighbours with the respect and love that is consistent with the shalom of God.
Third is ministry: doing life with our brothers and sisters in Christ who are gay, sharing mutual encouragement and accountability to grow as faithful disciples of Jesus Christ, and offering care and support in seasons of growth and healing.
When these three cords of mission, justice and ministry are intertwined, I believe our Christian response has the best chance of representing Christ in our world. If one cord or another is given undue emphasis the strength of the cord becomes compromised.
In simplistic terms, one could say that the typical evangelical response has been focused on ministry. And I would suggest that within that ministry response there has often been an undue focus on the pursuit of orientation change. One could also say that the typical liberal response has been focused on justice. Unfortunately, I have not seen a particularly robust investment in mission as I survey the Christian community’s general response to our gay neighbours.
As I look forward and prayerfully seek to chart a distinct course, I want that course to be marked by the kind of cord Ecclesiastes 4:12 describes, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Mission, justice and ministry.
Holding these three aspects of a Christian response in tension comes down to a bottom-line question for me: Will this encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ?
This means I have to risk being misunderstood – across the board. My bottom-line question is not, “How can I rally people who agree with me?” Nor is it, “What can I say that will be most strategic for fundraising?” Or, “How can I ensure that people will like me and my ministry?” It isn’t even, “How can I demonstrate the right, orthodox position?”
If I write or speak and neglect to ask myself, “Will this encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ?” then I will fail to embody the response that I believe Christ is asking of me.
I am constantly challenged, as one who holds a more conservative view of sexual ethics, by Jesus’ words in Matthew 23 ….. “They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.” I don’t want to put on heavy loads without stepping into that place of identification, sharing the load and walking together. Or his words, “But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.” I don’t want to neglect matters of justice, mercy and faithfulness. I don’t want to major in the minors and strain out a gnat. Oh Christ have mercy on us!
There has been some discussion of late of my support of covenantal friendships. I do not view a covenantal friendship as a sexless marriage. However, in our microwave, throw-away culture, I do appreciate the Biblical value of covenant expressed in friendship. Just because two people covenant to do life together, sharing a deep abiding friendship and commitment to be there for each other – does not make them like spouses. (ie. Abraham and Lot made a covenant.) Whether these two people are same-gender attracted or not, I see this as a viable option for those who are single – for whatever reason. And if such a commitment is made – between two friends or a group of friends - it seems to me to be something the Christian community can celebrate together – for it is an expression of gospel, counter-cultural living, when we say that we are going to serve another through life’s ups and downs. It is an option that might be more rare than common – but I believe it is an option that can be God-glorifying in the right circumstances.
I am very challenged by God’s word in the creation account that it was not good for a human being to be alone – something that was spoken before sin had even entered the picture. And I am also mindful of Jesus’ words that in the new heaven and new earth there will be no marriage – but there will be relationship, there will be intimacy, there will be faithfulness. How do I know that? Because our Triune God lives in intimate, faithful relationship in a reality that far exceeds our limited understandings.
Whether living alone, living with a long-time friend, living in intentional community, living with a spouse and/or other family members, each human being needs relationship, needs to know they belong, are loved, and accepted. These good gifts are essential aspects of God’s shalom.
Though a likely small percentage, there are gay men and women in our neighbourhoods. If your paradigm is, “There are no homosexual people – only heterosexual people with a homosexual problem”, then I suppose what I have written may make little sense. But if you accept the reality that there are some people, perhaps 3-5% of the population, who by no choice of their own experience a persistent orientation of attraction for their own gender, then I pray that if you are a Christ-follower you will search for liberating, God-honouring ways for our gay brothers and sisters to experience intimacy in relationship. And I pray that you will ask, “How will we reach out with mission, justice and ministry? How will we, together, experience God’s love, relationship, intimacy and faithfulness?”
I, for one, want to be open to as many options as possible – options that I pray will encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ.
First there is mission: reaching our gay neighbours who do not experience relationship with Jesus Christ with the good news of His love.
Second is justice: speaking out on issues of unjust treatment and the ways we fail to honour the image of God in our gay neighbours AND living out justice by treating our gay neighbours with the respect and love that is consistent with the shalom of God.
Third is ministry: doing life with our brothers and sisters in Christ who are gay, sharing mutual encouragement and accountability to grow as faithful disciples of Jesus Christ, and offering care and support in seasons of growth and healing.
When these three cords of mission, justice and ministry are intertwined, I believe our Christian response has the best chance of representing Christ in our world. If one cord or another is given undue emphasis the strength of the cord becomes compromised.
In simplistic terms, one could say that the typical evangelical response has been focused on ministry. And I would suggest that within that ministry response there has often been an undue focus on the pursuit of orientation change. One could also say that the typical liberal response has been focused on justice. Unfortunately, I have not seen a particularly robust investment in mission as I survey the Christian community’s general response to our gay neighbours.
As I look forward and prayerfully seek to chart a distinct course, I want that course to be marked by the kind of cord Ecclesiastes 4:12 describes, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Mission, justice and ministry.
Holding these three aspects of a Christian response in tension comes down to a bottom-line question for me: Will this encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ?
This means I have to risk being misunderstood – across the board. My bottom-line question is not, “How can I rally people who agree with me?” Nor is it, “What can I say that will be most strategic for fundraising?” Or, “How can I ensure that people will like me and my ministry?” It isn’t even, “How can I demonstrate the right, orthodox position?”
If I write or speak and neglect to ask myself, “Will this encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ?” then I will fail to embody the response that I believe Christ is asking of me.
I am constantly challenged, as one who holds a more conservative view of sexual ethics, by Jesus’ words in Matthew 23 ….. “They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.” I don’t want to put on heavy loads without stepping into that place of identification, sharing the load and walking together. Or his words, “But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.” I don’t want to neglect matters of justice, mercy and faithfulness. I don’t want to major in the minors and strain out a gnat. Oh Christ have mercy on us!
There has been some discussion of late of my support of covenantal friendships. I do not view a covenantal friendship as a sexless marriage. However, in our microwave, throw-away culture, I do appreciate the Biblical value of covenant expressed in friendship. Just because two people covenant to do life together, sharing a deep abiding friendship and commitment to be there for each other – does not make them like spouses. (ie. Abraham and Lot made a covenant.) Whether these two people are same-gender attracted or not, I see this as a viable option for those who are single – for whatever reason. And if such a commitment is made – between two friends or a group of friends - it seems to me to be something the Christian community can celebrate together – for it is an expression of gospel, counter-cultural living, when we say that we are going to serve another through life’s ups and downs. It is an option that might be more rare than common – but I believe it is an option that can be God-glorifying in the right circumstances.
I am very challenged by God’s word in the creation account that it was not good for a human being to be alone – something that was spoken before sin had even entered the picture. And I am also mindful of Jesus’ words that in the new heaven and new earth there will be no marriage – but there will be relationship, there will be intimacy, there will be faithfulness. How do I know that? Because our Triune God lives in intimate, faithful relationship in a reality that far exceeds our limited understandings.
Whether living alone, living with a long-time friend, living in intentional community, living with a spouse and/or other family members, each human being needs relationship, needs to know they belong, are loved, and accepted. These good gifts are essential aspects of God’s shalom.
Though a likely small percentage, there are gay men and women in our neighbourhoods. If your paradigm is, “There are no homosexual people – only heterosexual people with a homosexual problem”, then I suppose what I have written may make little sense. But if you accept the reality that there are some people, perhaps 3-5% of the population, who by no choice of their own experience a persistent orientation of attraction for their own gender, then I pray that if you are a Christ-follower you will search for liberating, God-honouring ways for our gay brothers and sisters to experience intimacy in relationship. And I pray that you will ask, “How will we reach out with mission, justice and ministry? How will we, together, experience God’s love, relationship, intimacy and faithfulness?”
I, for one, want to be open to as many options as possible – options that I pray will encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Of motivations and integrity....
As I was posting my last entry on ‘trust issues’, I came across a comment that had somehow gotten lost in the wasteland of unmoderated comments. “Jack” was very articulate in raising concerns that seem to be shared by other gay readers, so I wanted to try to address some of the issues he raises:
Jack: Quite honestly, I truly question your motives. I think you truly want to reach out to gays and lesbians, and at some level, I believe that part. However, I always leave this blog and ones to similar to this wondering what outcome are you truly looking for. I see a lot of words revolving around reconciliation, understanding, bridging the gap and so on. But I am left wondering less about the process you are using and wondering MORE about what kind of outcome you are searching for? Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives?
Wendy: These are the outcomes I pray for:
1. I hope that the conservative Christian community will be a safer place for gay people to be honest and open about their day-to-day realities and journey of faith. Some gay people might want to see a day when no one holds a conservative sexual ethic – but I think the reality is that there will always be people of faith who interpret Scripture in a manner that precludes same-sex sexual behaviour. The questions for me are, “How do those who do hold a conservative sexual ethic relate to gay people? How can motivations of fear, control, dominance, coercion, and hatred be confronted as being completely incompatible with the person and ministry of Jesus Christ? How can conservative Christians be helped to feel more comfortable and prepared to be in friendships with gay people – even though there may be points of disagreement that need to be navigated?”
So my hope is that Christians who continue to hold a conservative sexual ethic will do so on the basis of their own convictions birthed from prayer, study of Scripture, and a realistic connection and understanding of the realities of gay people – NOT from fear-based stereotypes of gay people, judgmental control, arrogance, or a sense of drivenness to “make the gay go away”.
My hope is that conservative Christians will engage people with respect, will speak up for issues of justice, and will navigate points of disagreement with humility and grace.
2. I hope, through the context of relationship with Christ-followers, that gay and lesbian people who are not believers would encounter the presence of Christ. I am unapologetically passionate about people coming to know and live in the reality of God’s love for them in Jesus Christ.
At the same time, if a gay person comes to Christ, they will, when the time is right (and that may not be for a long time), need to wrestle with Scripture and through prayer discern what God’s will is for them. In my pastoral connections, I regularly point people to resources like www.gaychristian.net where multiple perspectives are articulated. My perspective is that each individual needs to own what they believe – and then seek to live in a manner that is consistent with those beliefs. Some gay people will own a side B perspective – and many will own a side A perspective. I seek to leave that with God. For those who own a side B perspective, a commitment to celibacy often follows. Some find fulfillment and serenity in this decision. Others find over time that they move towards a side A perspective. Sometimes it is different than that – sometimes someone who was side A moves towards a side B perspective. In my years of connecting with people, I have encountered a lot of diversity in how people navigate their journey of faith - and I have learned to let go and let God be God.
3. I hope that those who are side B in theological perspective (conservative sexual ethic) would focus on shared love for Christ and a mutual commitment to grow in relationship with Christ with side A believers (gay affirming). My hope is that more Christians will recognize that God, through the Holy Spirit, is the one whose job it is to convict and challenge on issues of sin for any and all believers. And we all have sin issues that we're not dealing with. There are times that we are prompted by the Holy Spirit to speak a word in season – but this requires discernment, trust in the relationship, and an openness for someone to accept or reject what we have to offer. Growing in this kind of discernment is most fruitful when we err on the side of humility and waiting for God’s confirmation rather than leading with an anxiety-based agenda.
4. I hope to particularly encourage those individuals who experience same-gender attraction who embrace a side B perspective in their walk with Christ. For example, my post about ‘staying true to convictions’ was written to an person who is committed to a side B perspective. It was not written as manifesto on why every gay person should be side B.
5. I hope that we will be part of fostering a generous spaciousness within the Christian community. Part of that may be accepting that the issue of homosexuality is a disputable matter. Good Christians who love God and take the bible seriously do disagree on this topic. And we can still love and respect each other despite our disagreements. We can still acknowledge and honour each other’s faith and love for Christ. And we can, through relationship, come to a place where we do trust one another’s motives. I hope that part of seeking to foster a generous spaciousness means that people have the room and freedom to continue to explore and respond to the ways they belief God is leading them.
Jack: Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives? If this is your ultimate goal then you might as well stop your efforts now. Why would gay and lesbians want to be a part of conservative/evangelical congregation where your presence would be only lukewarm at best? Why not attend an MCC Church or another liberal mainline congregation where the issue of homosexuality has long since been answered?
Wendy: The reality is that there are some gay and lesbian people who are choosing, on the basis of their own convictions, to live celibate lives. There are very few resources that are of much encouragement to them. Sometimes, this decision to live celibately is driven by fear and self-hatred. When we sense this, we always want to gently challenge them if that seems to be the dominant motivation. If someone is committed to living celibately, we want that to come from a place of security in God’s love and acceptance – not fear.
Some gay and lesbian people do want to be part of a evangelical/conservative congregation, for a variety of reasons, and if we can help that environment to be more welcoming through our writing, resources and teaching – then we hope that is honouring to Christ and helpful to gay people.
Let me be clear. We are not trying to convince side A individuals or institutions to shift towards a side B perspective. It would be quite audacious to think we could have that kind of influence – and completely out of touch with reality. If God is who he says he is, then we don’t have to worry about convincing anyone – that is his job. If our writings are some sort of catalyst for rethinking attitudes and perspectives – we entrust that to God. Any seeds sown are God’s business. Our prayer is consistently that we would not get in the way of what he is already doing.
Jack: It just seems to me that this blog and others are so condescending--even more so than the out and out gay haters like Phelps and his crowd. In some ways I think Evangelical Christians who are so (all of a sudden" surgary sweet) and nice are a cause for MORE concern. More of a concern because it seems that this "new approach" being used by some in the evangelical church is an attempt to engage gays and lesbians in conversation without truly looking for a different outcome than those who out and out publicly denounce homosexuality. To put it in easier terms it just seems like a "sneakier approach" with the same intent in mind. Sort of a "love the sinner hate the sin" dressed up in a pretty dress--it looks nicer and prettier but the message and the outcome is still the same.
Wendy: The last thing we want to be is condescending.
At the same time, I would challenge the notion that the only person who can be loving and respectful toward gay people is the person who fully embraces and affirms all aspects of gay life. I deeply love my gay friends - and they do view me as an ally of sorts. I don’t agree with them on every theological point. But I have all kinds of friends with whom I don’t agree on every theological point. We can still be friends who care for each other, respect each other, and encourage each other to grow in the faith. For my gay friends who are not followers of Jesus, I love and care for them the same I would any other friend who isn’t a believer.
If the only terms acceptable for authentic engagement are that we all have to agree on everything, what a fractured and divided and horribly disengaged society we would be. And if those are the only terms, then there really is very little hope that the gap between the gay community and conservative Christian community can be bridged – and that would be a tragedy.
I would hope that those who connect with us over the long haul would discern the significant difference between someone, like Phelps, who expresses overt hate, consigns people to hell for their orientation, is driven to eradicate gay people from society, and protests any fair and equal treatment – and our commitment to love gay people and to be part of a generous spaciousness.
Last thought, a number of gay people, who are understandably skeptical and cynical, have commented on my “sweetness”…. what you may not realize is the crap that I take for the generosity I seek to embody on this blog, through the resources we develop and the speaking that I do. While I understand the skepticism and the reality that trust is earned …. and I’m committed to walking this out long term and being patient while people watch and observe ….. I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t say that sometimes it is hard to encounter the skepticism. I’m hardly a martyr …. But the truth is that it can be exhausting to try to stay present in the moderate middle. Being a bridge can be painful – especially when folks on both ends question your motives. But at the end of the day, I believe being a bridge, to the best of my ability, is what Christ has called me to – and so I lean on his grace in the confidence that he sees the integrity of my heart.
p.s. If you would like to read Jack's full comment, see it in the comment section here: http://btgproject.blogspot.com/2009/02/staying-true-to-convictions.html
Jack: Quite honestly, I truly question your motives. I think you truly want to reach out to gays and lesbians, and at some level, I believe that part. However, I always leave this blog and ones to similar to this wondering what outcome are you truly looking for. I see a lot of words revolving around reconciliation, understanding, bridging the gap and so on. But I am left wondering less about the process you are using and wondering MORE about what kind of outcome you are searching for? Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives?
Wendy: These are the outcomes I pray for:
1. I hope that the conservative Christian community will be a safer place for gay people to be honest and open about their day-to-day realities and journey of faith. Some gay people might want to see a day when no one holds a conservative sexual ethic – but I think the reality is that there will always be people of faith who interpret Scripture in a manner that precludes same-sex sexual behaviour. The questions for me are, “How do those who do hold a conservative sexual ethic relate to gay people? How can motivations of fear, control, dominance, coercion, and hatred be confronted as being completely incompatible with the person and ministry of Jesus Christ? How can conservative Christians be helped to feel more comfortable and prepared to be in friendships with gay people – even though there may be points of disagreement that need to be navigated?”
So my hope is that Christians who continue to hold a conservative sexual ethic will do so on the basis of their own convictions birthed from prayer, study of Scripture, and a realistic connection and understanding of the realities of gay people – NOT from fear-based stereotypes of gay people, judgmental control, arrogance, or a sense of drivenness to “make the gay go away”.
My hope is that conservative Christians will engage people with respect, will speak up for issues of justice, and will navigate points of disagreement with humility and grace.
2. I hope, through the context of relationship with Christ-followers, that gay and lesbian people who are not believers would encounter the presence of Christ. I am unapologetically passionate about people coming to know and live in the reality of God’s love for them in Jesus Christ.
At the same time, if a gay person comes to Christ, they will, when the time is right (and that may not be for a long time), need to wrestle with Scripture and through prayer discern what God’s will is for them. In my pastoral connections, I regularly point people to resources like www.gaychristian.net where multiple perspectives are articulated. My perspective is that each individual needs to own what they believe – and then seek to live in a manner that is consistent with those beliefs. Some gay people will own a side B perspective – and many will own a side A perspective. I seek to leave that with God. For those who own a side B perspective, a commitment to celibacy often follows. Some find fulfillment and serenity in this decision. Others find over time that they move towards a side A perspective. Sometimes it is different than that – sometimes someone who was side A moves towards a side B perspective. In my years of connecting with people, I have encountered a lot of diversity in how people navigate their journey of faith - and I have learned to let go and let God be God.
3. I hope that those who are side B in theological perspective (conservative sexual ethic) would focus on shared love for Christ and a mutual commitment to grow in relationship with Christ with side A believers (gay affirming). My hope is that more Christians will recognize that God, through the Holy Spirit, is the one whose job it is to convict and challenge on issues of sin for any and all believers. And we all have sin issues that we're not dealing with. There are times that we are prompted by the Holy Spirit to speak a word in season – but this requires discernment, trust in the relationship, and an openness for someone to accept or reject what we have to offer. Growing in this kind of discernment is most fruitful when we err on the side of humility and waiting for God’s confirmation rather than leading with an anxiety-based agenda.
4. I hope to particularly encourage those individuals who experience same-gender attraction who embrace a side B perspective in their walk with Christ. For example, my post about ‘staying true to convictions’ was written to an person who is committed to a side B perspective. It was not written as manifesto on why every gay person should be side B.
5. I hope that we will be part of fostering a generous spaciousness within the Christian community. Part of that may be accepting that the issue of homosexuality is a disputable matter. Good Christians who love God and take the bible seriously do disagree on this topic. And we can still love and respect each other despite our disagreements. We can still acknowledge and honour each other’s faith and love for Christ. And we can, through relationship, come to a place where we do trust one another’s motives. I hope that part of seeking to foster a generous spaciousness means that people have the room and freedom to continue to explore and respond to the ways they belief God is leading them.
Jack: Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives? If this is your ultimate goal then you might as well stop your efforts now. Why would gay and lesbians want to be a part of conservative/evangelical congregation where your presence would be only lukewarm at best? Why not attend an MCC Church or another liberal mainline congregation where the issue of homosexuality has long since been answered?
Wendy: The reality is that there are some gay and lesbian people who are choosing, on the basis of their own convictions, to live celibate lives. There are very few resources that are of much encouragement to them. Sometimes, this decision to live celibately is driven by fear and self-hatred. When we sense this, we always want to gently challenge them if that seems to be the dominant motivation. If someone is committed to living celibately, we want that to come from a place of security in God’s love and acceptance – not fear.
Some gay and lesbian people do want to be part of a evangelical/conservative congregation, for a variety of reasons, and if we can help that environment to be more welcoming through our writing, resources and teaching – then we hope that is honouring to Christ and helpful to gay people.
Let me be clear. We are not trying to convince side A individuals or institutions to shift towards a side B perspective. It would be quite audacious to think we could have that kind of influence – and completely out of touch with reality. If God is who he says he is, then we don’t have to worry about convincing anyone – that is his job. If our writings are some sort of catalyst for rethinking attitudes and perspectives – we entrust that to God. Any seeds sown are God’s business. Our prayer is consistently that we would not get in the way of what he is already doing.
Jack: It just seems to me that this blog and others are so condescending--even more so than the out and out gay haters like Phelps and his crowd. In some ways I think Evangelical Christians who are so (all of a sudden" surgary sweet) and nice are a cause for MORE concern. More of a concern because it seems that this "new approach" being used by some in the evangelical church is an attempt to engage gays and lesbians in conversation without truly looking for a different outcome than those who out and out publicly denounce homosexuality. To put it in easier terms it just seems like a "sneakier approach" with the same intent in mind. Sort of a "love the sinner hate the sin" dressed up in a pretty dress--it looks nicer and prettier but the message and the outcome is still the same.
Wendy: The last thing we want to be is condescending.
At the same time, I would challenge the notion that the only person who can be loving and respectful toward gay people is the person who fully embraces and affirms all aspects of gay life. I deeply love my gay friends - and they do view me as an ally of sorts. I don’t agree with them on every theological point. But I have all kinds of friends with whom I don’t agree on every theological point. We can still be friends who care for each other, respect each other, and encourage each other to grow in the faith. For my gay friends who are not followers of Jesus, I love and care for them the same I would any other friend who isn’t a believer.
If the only terms acceptable for authentic engagement are that we all have to agree on everything, what a fractured and divided and horribly disengaged society we would be. And if those are the only terms, then there really is very little hope that the gap between the gay community and conservative Christian community can be bridged – and that would be a tragedy.
I would hope that those who connect with us over the long haul would discern the significant difference between someone, like Phelps, who expresses overt hate, consigns people to hell for their orientation, is driven to eradicate gay people from society, and protests any fair and equal treatment – and our commitment to love gay people and to be part of a generous spaciousness.
Last thought, a number of gay people, who are understandably skeptical and cynical, have commented on my “sweetness”…. what you may not realize is the crap that I take for the generosity I seek to embody on this blog, through the resources we develop and the speaking that I do. While I understand the skepticism and the reality that trust is earned …. and I’m committed to walking this out long term and being patient while people watch and observe ….. I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t say that sometimes it is hard to encounter the skepticism. I’m hardly a martyr …. But the truth is that it can be exhausting to try to stay present in the moderate middle. Being a bridge can be painful – especially when folks on both ends question your motives. But at the end of the day, I believe being a bridge, to the best of my ability, is what Christ has called me to – and so I lean on his grace in the confidence that he sees the integrity of my heart.
p.s. If you would like to read Jack's full comment, see it in the comment section here: http://btgproject.blogspot.com/2009/02/staying-true-to-convictions.html
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Grace & Coming Out
This past Saturday was “National Coming Out Day.” Several blogs that I follow had poignant first-person accounts of the sense of relief and congruity that an individual can feel once they disclose to the people they care about the most the reality of their same-gender attraction.
For those of us who are straight, and don’t spend a whole lot of time processing, wrestling, hiding, or managing our heterosexuality, I think there will always be a gap in our understanding of what it is like to be persistently same-gender attracted – particularly within the Christian community. We might like to try to step into a gay person’s shoes – but at the end of the day – I think we can’t really fully grasp the multi-layered complexities of the process of discovery and coming out.
A few of years ago I attended a conference that gathered same-gender attracted Christians of varying perspectives. I intentionally chose to fly under the radar – to attend as a “normal Jane” (which in this situation meant that most people simply assumed I was gay). For two and a half days, I chose to set aside some of my most significant identifiers – wife, mother, New Direction leader. I found it exhausting. I had to be constantly vigilant. It took a lot of energy to watch what came out of my mouth particularly when meeting new people (which I did a lot of) – because those identifiers were so ingrained as part of my “get to know me” script. As I reflected on that conference experience, I think one of the things God wanted me to experience, albeit in a very limited fashion, was the burden of hiding significant parts of your identity. Being a wife or a mom or a ministry leader doesn’t define me, but they do describe very important parts of me. And keeping those identifiers under wraps was really hard – I felt diminished in some way – even though I was the one who had chosen to do so. God birthed a deeper empathy in me that weekend – for which I’m very grateful.
So I have a different take on “National Coming Out Day” than I used to. I’m not threatened by it anymore. I still hope that young kids don’t label themselves too prematurely. And I still pray that those who come out as gay will make wise decisions about faith, community and relationships. But I’m better prepared to understand that coming out, in and of itself, is really just about being honest, being authentic, no longer hiding.
“National Coming Out Day” coincided with a major holiday – Thanksgiving – here in Canada. That meant that when I came to the office this morning I had the opportunity to field some calls from some parents whose kids had disclosed their sexual identity to them over the weekend. Some were shell-shocked. Some had a thousand questions. Some were grieving. I’m delighted to say that none were angry or horribly freaking out (we’ve had those in the past too).
The thing about coming out is that the gay person has had years to prepare for that moment – the loved ones, even if they had some inkling in the past – may be caught off guard.
When we gather parents together for a supportive place of sharing and prayer, this is what I say:
• This is a safe place to process all the complex emotions that may come with your child’s disclosure.
• We won’t make any assumptions about you except for one: that you are here because you love your child.
• Our focus is on coming to a place of acceptance where you are free to love unconditionally and where you are best positioned to be useful to God in his pursuit of your child.
• This is NOT about:
o fixing your child
o fixing you
o theological debate
o blame or guilt
o everyone having to think alike or agree
Coming out requires grace on all sides. And grace is what we seem to have such a hard time grasping.
If you’re a pastor or a ministry leader, ask yourself, “How many people have felt safe coming out to me?” It’s a pretty good test for whether or not you embody grace.
Frankly, I wish there were other coming out days that straight people could expeirence. Because I wish there was more honesty. I wish there was more authenticity. And I wish there was more grace for the reality of the messiness that pervades all of our lives.
To the kids who came out this weekend: grace to you.
To the parents who are now processing: grace to you.
To a church still easily threatened: grace to you.
To an impatient gay community: grace to you.
For those of us who are straight, and don’t spend a whole lot of time processing, wrestling, hiding, or managing our heterosexuality, I think there will always be a gap in our understanding of what it is like to be persistently same-gender attracted – particularly within the Christian community. We might like to try to step into a gay person’s shoes – but at the end of the day – I think we can’t really fully grasp the multi-layered complexities of the process of discovery and coming out.
A few of years ago I attended a conference that gathered same-gender attracted Christians of varying perspectives. I intentionally chose to fly under the radar – to attend as a “normal Jane” (which in this situation meant that most people simply assumed I was gay). For two and a half days, I chose to set aside some of my most significant identifiers – wife, mother, New Direction leader. I found it exhausting. I had to be constantly vigilant. It took a lot of energy to watch what came out of my mouth particularly when meeting new people (which I did a lot of) – because those identifiers were so ingrained as part of my “get to know me” script. As I reflected on that conference experience, I think one of the things God wanted me to experience, albeit in a very limited fashion, was the burden of hiding significant parts of your identity. Being a wife or a mom or a ministry leader doesn’t define me, but they do describe very important parts of me. And keeping those identifiers under wraps was really hard – I felt diminished in some way – even though I was the one who had chosen to do so. God birthed a deeper empathy in me that weekend – for which I’m very grateful.
So I have a different take on “National Coming Out Day” than I used to. I’m not threatened by it anymore. I still hope that young kids don’t label themselves too prematurely. And I still pray that those who come out as gay will make wise decisions about faith, community and relationships. But I’m better prepared to understand that coming out, in and of itself, is really just about being honest, being authentic, no longer hiding.
“National Coming Out Day” coincided with a major holiday – Thanksgiving – here in Canada. That meant that when I came to the office this morning I had the opportunity to field some calls from some parents whose kids had disclosed their sexual identity to them over the weekend. Some were shell-shocked. Some had a thousand questions. Some were grieving. I’m delighted to say that none were angry or horribly freaking out (we’ve had those in the past too).
The thing about coming out is that the gay person has had years to prepare for that moment – the loved ones, even if they had some inkling in the past – may be caught off guard.
When we gather parents together for a supportive place of sharing and prayer, this is what I say:
• This is a safe place to process all the complex emotions that may come with your child’s disclosure.
• We won’t make any assumptions about you except for one: that you are here because you love your child.
• Our focus is on coming to a place of acceptance where you are free to love unconditionally and where you are best positioned to be useful to God in his pursuit of your child.
• This is NOT about:
o fixing your child
o fixing you
o theological debate
o blame or guilt
o everyone having to think alike or agree
Coming out requires grace on all sides. And grace is what we seem to have such a hard time grasping.
If you’re a pastor or a ministry leader, ask yourself, “How many people have felt safe coming out to me?” It’s a pretty good test for whether or not you embody grace.
Frankly, I wish there were other coming out days that straight people could expeirence. Because I wish there was more honesty. I wish there was more authenticity. And I wish there was more grace for the reality of the messiness that pervades all of our lives.
To the kids who came out this weekend: grace to you.
To the parents who are now processing: grace to you.
To a church still easily threatened: grace to you.
To an impatient gay community: grace to you.
Monday, September 8, 2008
the real deal...
Earlier today, I had an email conversation with a young man I’ve had the privilege of getting to know over the last year or so. J. loves God and is on a journey with Him. He sent me an update that I thought was so poignant, real and authentic that I tentatively asked him if he would consider allowing me to share it more widely – with some identifying details blurred.
I said, “Part of the reason I ask is that sometimes when we're in pain with God it is actually helpful to feel like what we are experiencing has meaning - and sometimes knowing that our authenticity will speak to others is a way of making meaning of where we are at ....”
J. replied and said, “With regards to the blog you can absolutely use that e-mail. Actually after I sent the e-mail I went back to read through it again which I often do if I write poetry or send e-mails to get a real sense of my feelings and when I read it back to myself I thought how nice it would be for someone else to read that if they were going through it to know that they are not alone. Also I thought how good it would be for some of the church to hear the pain and understand that this struggle is not about sex it's about emotion. So yes you can!”
Without further ado and with thanks, here is a glimpse into the heart and journey of J.
“Well just thought I would send a little update. [My ex-boyfriend] moves away on the 27th of this month and to be honest I am so raw emotionally and I didn't expect it. We broke up almost a year ago and have had separate rooms for probably 10 months now....and he's moved on and has a new boyfriend and I have been doing the occasional date with a cute little girl from the church...but it feels like breaking up all over again when I realize that this house that we bought together is going to be empty.
The house has not sold so I am trying to rent it out for the first of October because I just can't do it on my own...if not I will have to let it go back to the bank...all by myself on this one Wendy...this is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
Every now and then I just get this flood of emotion and it feels like I am just going to fall to the ground under the weight of grief....and I wonder why...why I am doing all of this. I mean I KNOW why but I feel like I am putting myself through so much...and sometimes I don't even feel like God notices how much I am having to go through just to follow him. Maybe it's a consequence of sin I guess. But I just feel some days like God is saying "well you got yourself into this mess"....it just hurts so much some days.
I feel like I have been beaten to a bloody pulp...spiritually and emotionally like I can barely stand BUT no desire to give up or turn back at all...I will drag this beaten body wherever God leads even if God has to drag me there because I just can't do it. I have never felt that way before. All my life it was thinking "God I can't do this it's too hard" now it's thinking "God....this is REALLY hard but you're going to get me through it somehow".
I am scared though of what might be next Wendy. I really believed that the house would sell quickly and that financial problems would be resolved....but it didn't and they aren't and although that causes me undue stress I am going to continue to fight the good fight. I think maybe financial stresses might even be a bit of the enemy....I mean that has always been my weakest point...fear of financial decay but God has really equipped me for this spiritual battle with a great peace that no matter what happens in this I WILL get through it and I WILL have God with me on the other side of this dark valley.
My heart aches and I feel strong.....it's the most mixed up feeling in the world to be exhausted and NOT ready to give up. But that is where I am...
Anyway I will cut myself off now before I go on too long...but keep me in prayer over the next couple weeks as it's going to be tough.
Love and Blessings,
J.
Dear J.
Thank you so much for letting me know where you are at.... that allows me to pray more intelligently for you. I so appreciate your honesty and authenticity. Given the journey, as an outsider peeking in, it is not unexpected that you would be riding the emotional rollercoaster that you are. I am so very grateful to hear of the real ways that you are taking God in with you to these places ..... and your emerging perspective on the strength in weakness that is the upside down economy of God. Your experience puts you in good company with folks like the Apostle Paul and many other Christian leaders throughout the ages.
I think sometimes that what we often need is simply to know that people see (I often say witness) what it is we are navigating. We don't need people to fix it (like they could anyway....), we don't need people to offer advise or guidance (we're in the place where we are standing with Christ and really all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and wait for God to deliver us in his time), we don't need sympathy or judgment or sugar-coated encouragement .... we simply need people to see and experience that we are known and in the knowing that we are loved, that we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses who are saying in the Spirit, "Keep going! We know that in Christ you can totally do this!!" And so hear that from me - I see you. I get it. As a sister in Christ I am so proud of you for standing, for waiting on God, for staying real in the process, for being honest about the pain, for reaching deep for the will to do this with God ..... Keep going - I know you can do this!!!
Know that you are treasured - simply for who you are. In the midst of this, you are loved not because you are fighting to be faithful to God - you are loved because you are you. That you are fighting to be faithful to God is a joy and a 'bonus' .... and we join you in the fight.
every blessing,
wendy
Hey Wendy,
It's so true what you said about someone just seeing you. Sometimes it's such a lonely fight and all the advice in the world doesn't make it easier but knowing that someone is there saying "I know it's hard" makes all the difference so thank you."
I know this blog is read by diverse voices. And there might be some who read J’s email and have an opinion or advice for him …. Maybe you disagree with the choices he is making …. Allow me to make this observation before you jump into the comments section: This is where J. is at. This is his heart. The real deal. He is allowed to be where he is at. He doesn’t need to be pushed or prodded or enlightened. He has the right to simply stand where he is at with God. Without trying to be a mother-hen, I do feel a bit protective of him, given that I have asked him to share his vulnerability with our readers. Please honour him. Honour where he’s at. And wherever it is that you are at, please focus your comments on building up, not tearing down, on blessing, not hindering.
Grace to all of us.
I said, “Part of the reason I ask is that sometimes when we're in pain with God it is actually helpful to feel like what we are experiencing has meaning - and sometimes knowing that our authenticity will speak to others is a way of making meaning of where we are at ....”
J. replied and said, “With regards to the blog you can absolutely use that e-mail. Actually after I sent the e-mail I went back to read through it again which I often do if I write poetry or send e-mails to get a real sense of my feelings and when I read it back to myself I thought how nice it would be for someone else to read that if they were going through it to know that they are not alone. Also I thought how good it would be for some of the church to hear the pain and understand that this struggle is not about sex it's about emotion. So yes you can!”
Without further ado and with thanks, here is a glimpse into the heart and journey of J.
“Well just thought I would send a little update. [My ex-boyfriend] moves away on the 27th of this month and to be honest I am so raw emotionally and I didn't expect it. We broke up almost a year ago and have had separate rooms for probably 10 months now....and he's moved on and has a new boyfriend and I have been doing the occasional date with a cute little girl from the church...but it feels like breaking up all over again when I realize that this house that we bought together is going to be empty.
The house has not sold so I am trying to rent it out for the first of October because I just can't do it on my own...if not I will have to let it go back to the bank...all by myself on this one Wendy...this is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
Every now and then I just get this flood of emotion and it feels like I am just going to fall to the ground under the weight of grief....and I wonder why...why I am doing all of this. I mean I KNOW why but I feel like I am putting myself through so much...and sometimes I don't even feel like God notices how much I am having to go through just to follow him. Maybe it's a consequence of sin I guess. But I just feel some days like God is saying "well you got yourself into this mess"....it just hurts so much some days.
I feel like I have been beaten to a bloody pulp...spiritually and emotionally like I can barely stand BUT no desire to give up or turn back at all...I will drag this beaten body wherever God leads even if God has to drag me there because I just can't do it. I have never felt that way before. All my life it was thinking "God I can't do this it's too hard" now it's thinking "God....this is REALLY hard but you're going to get me through it somehow".
I am scared though of what might be next Wendy. I really believed that the house would sell quickly and that financial problems would be resolved....but it didn't and they aren't and although that causes me undue stress I am going to continue to fight the good fight. I think maybe financial stresses might even be a bit of the enemy....I mean that has always been my weakest point...fear of financial decay but God has really equipped me for this spiritual battle with a great peace that no matter what happens in this I WILL get through it and I WILL have God with me on the other side of this dark valley.
My heart aches and I feel strong.....it's the most mixed up feeling in the world to be exhausted and NOT ready to give up. But that is where I am...
Anyway I will cut myself off now before I go on too long...but keep me in prayer over the next couple weeks as it's going to be tough.
Love and Blessings,
J.
Dear J.
Thank you so much for letting me know where you are at.... that allows me to pray more intelligently for you. I so appreciate your honesty and authenticity. Given the journey, as an outsider peeking in, it is not unexpected that you would be riding the emotional rollercoaster that you are. I am so very grateful to hear of the real ways that you are taking God in with you to these places ..... and your emerging perspective on the strength in weakness that is the upside down economy of God. Your experience puts you in good company with folks like the Apostle Paul and many other Christian leaders throughout the ages.
I think sometimes that what we often need is simply to know that people see (I often say witness) what it is we are navigating. We don't need people to fix it (like they could anyway....), we don't need people to offer advise or guidance (we're in the place where we are standing with Christ and really all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and wait for God to deliver us in his time), we don't need sympathy or judgment or sugar-coated encouragement .... we simply need people to see and experience that we are known and in the knowing that we are loved, that we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses who are saying in the Spirit, "Keep going! We know that in Christ you can totally do this!!" And so hear that from me - I see you. I get it. As a sister in Christ I am so proud of you for standing, for waiting on God, for staying real in the process, for being honest about the pain, for reaching deep for the will to do this with God ..... Keep going - I know you can do this!!!
Know that you are treasured - simply for who you are. In the midst of this, you are loved not because you are fighting to be faithful to God - you are loved because you are you. That you are fighting to be faithful to God is a joy and a 'bonus' .... and we join you in the fight.
every blessing,
wendy
Hey Wendy,
It's so true what you said about someone just seeing you. Sometimes it's such a lonely fight and all the advice in the world doesn't make it easier but knowing that someone is there saying "I know it's hard" makes all the difference so thank you."
I know this blog is read by diverse voices. And there might be some who read J’s email and have an opinion or advice for him …. Maybe you disagree with the choices he is making …. Allow me to make this observation before you jump into the comments section: This is where J. is at. This is his heart. The real deal. He is allowed to be where he is at. He doesn’t need to be pushed or prodded or enlightened. He has the right to simply stand where he is at with God. Without trying to be a mother-hen, I do feel a bit protective of him, given that I have asked him to share his vulnerability with our readers. Please honour him. Honour where he’s at. And wherever it is that you are at, please focus your comments on building up, not tearing down, on blessing, not hindering.
Grace to all of us.
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