This summer I attended my first gay wedding. Jon and I had been friends for 7 years, having first met while we were both part of an Exodus affiliated ministry in the States. In the years since then our lives have taken radically different paths. Two years ago he came to my wedding, flying from the Midwest to Portland, Oregon simply to be there with me on my big day. It was between the service and the reception that we sat down in a basement Sunday school room and he told me that he now had a boyfriend.
I knew then that our friendship would change. Up until that time it had been based on shared experiences and beliefs - beliefs that with the passage of time were changing for him. But I also knew that Jon was a friend that I cared deeply about and I was not going to let this hinder our friendship. So as I hugged him that day I promised him that we would always be friends.
Over the next few years we had a number of long talks, we debated theology and principles of hermeneutics, but also shared laughter and trust. We talked of our relationships and families, and even went on to be filmed for a documentary together. I watched the pain in his life as many of his Christian friends and even family members dropped out of his life.
At first I had questions about whether I should attend his wedding or not. (You can read more about my decision here) But by the time the day rolled around I had settled that in my head. I felt strongly that as a friend and as a Christ follower for me not to have gone would have sent a message of conditional love. That wasn’t what I wanted. So my goal in attending was to simply be present and show my love for Jon and Chris as openly and genuinely as I could.
The night before the wedding my wife and I were invited to a dinner and bachelor party. At the dinner I found myself in the distinct minority of being the only guy at the table there with a girl. Many there were already friends of mine, but it made me aware of what it means to be in the minority. This was especially highlighted when others turned to me and asked “So what do you do for a living anyways?” But after a few tense moments of explaining, tongue firmly implanted in cheek, that I was “in the business of forcing gay people to become straight”, people around me laughed and began to relax, and ask questions. For several of the people there, the fact that as a conservative Christian I would be willing to travel and simply be there for an event like this meant that they were willing to listen to what I had to say. And as I respectfully shared, and more importantly listened to their stories and experiences, I was able to make new friends. I even got to help a couple people see that simply because they were gay didn’t mean that Christians had to treat them like jerks.
The wedding itself was done in the Quaker tradition, with the focus on silence and collective sharing. When my time came, I spoke words from my heart. Many there knew who I was from the documentary we did together, and I knew there was some tension at what I would say. By speaking words of honest grace and love, speaking of our friendship and the good that was in the two of them even in the known tension of our differing beliefs, I believe that I acted in good faith as a friend and a Christ follower. When I finally got to Jon and Chris in the receiving line, they both hugged me and told me how grateful they were that I had come, and how much it meant to them.
And then there was an awkward moment as I had to explain to them that I could not sign the guest registry. According to Quaker tradition, all those who did so were seen as officiates in the wedding, and my own vows and conscience prohibited me from doing so. For me it was the line in the sand I couldn’t cross in good faith. But Jon just smiled. Our friendship was built on respect, and he respected my own beliefs and limitations, and valued me for who I was, even as I valued him. “I’m just glad you’re here” he told me.
As I drove home I was full of mixed emotions, happy and sad all at once. Happy for the good things happening in Jon’s life, and happy for the friendship we still shared. Sad, at the same time, for the loss of shared values and beliefs. What I appreciated most was that Jon accepted all of those feelings in me that weekend, even as I accepted him. It occurred to me on the way home how many rich and meaningful conversations I got to have that weekend and that in many ways I had gotten to minister that weekend, sharing what I believe, caring for others and more… but that if I had gone seeing the weekend as an opportunity to minister I don’t think I would have been in the right place to do so at all. In the end it was my willingness to simply be present in Jon’s life with no strings attached that allowed me to both minister to others, and in truth be ministered to by others. And that is enough.
Friday, August 29, 2008
back from vacation....
Some weeks ago I was asked a very blunt question by a gay activist. His question was, “Wendy, would you attend a gay wedding and bring a gift – or would you snub the gay wedding?” The question seemed to come a bit out of the blue, not particularly connected to the preceeding dialogue in the comments section …. but there it was in black and white waiting for my response.
Now looking back, I wish I’d thought to have been wise like Jesus – who often answered such “testing” questions with a question in return. Or I wish I’d had some revelation of just the right parable to tell in response.
But not being as wise as Jesus, I’m not sure I could have come up with a question in response that wouldn’t have just seemed evasive and gutless. And man, where is a good parable when you need one? Instead, partly impulsive and partly with a commitment to engaging with authenticity, I decided to answer the question directly.
I responded and said, “I would go to a close friend’s gay wedding and yup, I’d bring a gift. I know that all of my close friends know what I believe about sexual ethics and would not assume my beliefs had changed but that my attendance was a sign of my love and friendship. I’m sure I would get some serious flack for this decision - but at the end of the day, I believe loving people is what God asks of me.”
I suppose at the time I was most thinking of gay and lesbian people (if anyone at all) reading my response. And despite what could be read as a flippant tone in my response, this is a question and a scenario that I have given much thought and prayer to. My focus in responding to the question was seeing an opportunity to build a bridge and to give a practical example of unconditional love in action. Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional approval.
Joe Dallas in his book, “When Homosexuality Hits Home” speaks about both conscience and comfort needing to be considered when making decisions about engagement with those with whom we hold disagreements – about homosexuality or really any other number of issues. And different people have different sensitivities in terms of their own conscience and their own comfort levels.
In I Corinthians chapter 8 Paul speaks about the issue of food being sacrificed to idols – and he explains that some people could go ahead and eat such food with the understanding that there is no power behind it …. while others with a weaker conscience were best to stay away from such meat. Then he goes on to say, “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.”
And here is the dilemma. I am very comfortable around gay and lesbian people – no problem there. In looking at my own conscience, I have a secure sense of peace that God knows my heart in intentionally extending love and friendship to my gay neighbours and that attending any celebratory event of a gay couple or family would be an expression of that love and friendship. I am reminded in Luke 15 of the parable Jesus tells of leaving the 99 sheep (in the open country none-the-less where they could wander off, be attacked by wolves etc.) to go and search for the one who was lost. I want my presence in my friendships with the gay people in my life to sing with the presence of Jesus – so that if they don’t know him, they might encounter him – and if they do know him, that they would be encouraged in their relationship with him.
And so while I read Paul’s words – and would not want my actions or decisions to be a stumbling block to any other follower of Jesus (though, I hardly think that my willingness to attend a gay wedding is going to suddenly open the flood-gates of Christians showing up at the best decorated wedding receptions in the land) ….. I have to say that the words of Jesus are trump for me. I certainly do not seek to intentionally offend or scandalize other believers. But at the end of the day, they can go and find like-minded believers to hang out with and be encouraged by. God has called me to befriend and love my gay neighbours – and I will seek to love them with as robust a love as I can offer.
Truth is, this isn’t theoretical stuff for us at New Direction. These are real life decisions we need to prayerfully discern. And as Brian shares in the next post the practical out-working of such a decision, we pray that the fruit of our discernment and love will be evident for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. In the end, whether you agree or disagree, we will seek to embody the presence of Jesus in all of the unique and particular places God calls us to – and encourage you to do the same in your own circles of influence.
Now looking back, I wish I’d thought to have been wise like Jesus – who often answered such “testing” questions with a question in return. Or I wish I’d had some revelation of just the right parable to tell in response.
But not being as wise as Jesus, I’m not sure I could have come up with a question in response that wouldn’t have just seemed evasive and gutless. And man, where is a good parable when you need one? Instead, partly impulsive and partly with a commitment to engaging with authenticity, I decided to answer the question directly.
I responded and said, “I would go to a close friend’s gay wedding and yup, I’d bring a gift. I know that all of my close friends know what I believe about sexual ethics and would not assume my beliefs had changed but that my attendance was a sign of my love and friendship. I’m sure I would get some serious flack for this decision - but at the end of the day, I believe loving people is what God asks of me.”
I suppose at the time I was most thinking of gay and lesbian people (if anyone at all) reading my response. And despite what could be read as a flippant tone in my response, this is a question and a scenario that I have given much thought and prayer to. My focus in responding to the question was seeing an opportunity to build a bridge and to give a practical example of unconditional love in action. Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional approval.
Joe Dallas in his book, “When Homosexuality Hits Home” speaks about both conscience and comfort needing to be considered when making decisions about engagement with those with whom we hold disagreements – about homosexuality or really any other number of issues. And different people have different sensitivities in terms of their own conscience and their own comfort levels.
In I Corinthians chapter 8 Paul speaks about the issue of food being sacrificed to idols – and he explains that some people could go ahead and eat such food with the understanding that there is no power behind it …. while others with a weaker conscience were best to stay away from such meat. Then he goes on to say, “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.”
And here is the dilemma. I am very comfortable around gay and lesbian people – no problem there. In looking at my own conscience, I have a secure sense of peace that God knows my heart in intentionally extending love and friendship to my gay neighbours and that attending any celebratory event of a gay couple or family would be an expression of that love and friendship. I am reminded in Luke 15 of the parable Jesus tells of leaving the 99 sheep (in the open country none-the-less where they could wander off, be attacked by wolves etc.) to go and search for the one who was lost. I want my presence in my friendships with the gay people in my life to sing with the presence of Jesus – so that if they don’t know him, they might encounter him – and if they do know him, that they would be encouraged in their relationship with him.
And so while I read Paul’s words – and would not want my actions or decisions to be a stumbling block to any other follower of Jesus (though, I hardly think that my willingness to attend a gay wedding is going to suddenly open the flood-gates of Christians showing up at the best decorated wedding receptions in the land) ….. I have to say that the words of Jesus are trump for me. I certainly do not seek to intentionally offend or scandalize other believers. But at the end of the day, they can go and find like-minded believers to hang out with and be encouraged by. God has called me to befriend and love my gay neighbours – and I will seek to love them with as robust a love as I can offer.
Truth is, this isn’t theoretical stuff for us at New Direction. These are real life decisions we need to prayerfully discern. And as Brian shares in the next post the practical out-working of such a decision, we pray that the fruit of our discernment and love will be evident for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. In the end, whether you agree or disagree, we will seek to embody the presence of Jesus in all of the unique and particular places God calls us to – and encourage you to do the same in your own circles of influence.
Friday, August 8, 2008
More new direction .....
The wonderful thing about a blog is that it provides a forum for the development of thought. Blog posts aren’t published research, they aren’t the final say, they don’t presume to have the complete answer ….. at least mine don’t. Rather, they are a space for reflections, wonderings, exploring, and sometimes testing the waters. They are a space for learning, grace, humility and growth. (And it should be said, that it is equally hoped that those who engage with this blog will keep arrogance and nastiness packed away – especially those who name the name of Jesus).
I recently sat with the chair of the board for New Direction. John is a delightful combination of wisdom and wonder wrapped up together. I always feel safe while pushing the envelope in conversation with him. He’s a philosopher, a theologian, a teacher, an artist (though he would say he mainly hangs out with artists through his work with Imago) …. He thinks deeply, loves freely and is the kind of mentor who allows you the liberty to be fully yourself.
As we talked about the way forward, we began to talk about systems. I have been intrigued and engaged in the conversations about the structures and systems that undergird the gathering of God’s people we call the church.
This blog is an example of some of this conversation. As I ponder the implications of the church functioning as an organic or living system, I can’t help but apply these thoughts to the very unique work God has called New Direction to. What would it look like for New Direction to resist being an institutionalized, self-preserving, ‘closed’ if-you-will system?
We’re not a community per sae – rather we are a facilitator, a catalyst, hopefully a subversive presence within a larger system and community that begets a movement. A movement of thought, language and most importantly relationships that reflect the good news of Jesus Christ in reaching and engaging those affected by diverse sexual identities.
At the center of this movement is Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ at the center of our reality, our humanness, our pain. Jesus Christ liberating us to be our true selves, without hiding, without pretending or posturing. Jesus Christ offering resurrection newness. Jesus Christ source of all hopefulness, source of all life. Jesus Christ in us.
So what would an organic, living system look like for a ministry addressing issues of sexual identity?
I’d been wrestling through writing this post when a friend, Bill Kinnon, connected me with Brad Sargent. Now Brad ironically used to work for Exodus as their resource and publication specialist. Brad is super smart – like I seriously need a Tylenol to read through his blog…. But I was so delighted to discover that Brad is really smart at evaluating systems, paradigms, and models …. And that he has been intimately involved in the missional conversation. And as I read through some of his stuff, it again helped me wrestle with articulating the kind of system that New Direction is seeking to embody. In an email Brad said, "I like your approach: discipleship, welcoming and transforming - not rejecting and condemning, or welcoming and affirming. You've chosen the harder, more paradoxical road, but one that brings more possibilities for true, deep, and lasting impact through the dynamic tensions of listening, learning, and loving ... without compromising truth." Thank you Brad!
Perhaps it is a bit easier to start with describing the kind of closed system that we’re trying to avoid (some might even say emerge from).
We don’t want to be about maintenance – just preserving the status quo (“This is the way we do it. This is the way it has always been done.”) instead of pressing forward with redemptive imagination and creativity.
We don’t want to be in a defensive posture – focused more on preventing opposing views from gaining ground than creating and nurturing a place of renewal and hope.
We don’t want to be a system of control – focused on censorship or keeping everyone ‘in line’ with a rigid legalism rather than risking entrusting people to Christ.
John made the observation that New Direction seeks to engage people not as a “problem to be solved” but with “potential to be empowered”. This is huge isn’t it? People who experience same-gender attraction aren’t a problem to be solved – they are a beloved child of God in whom there is potential to live in relationship with God as a co-heir with Christ. But it does beg the question – how much of Christian ministry approaches a same-gender attracted person as a problem to be solved / fixed / cured….
Empowering potential is much more nebulous. Much more unpredictable. It isn’t about control, or holding onto power – it is about letting go of control and giving power away. It means resolutely refusing to be coercive in someone’s life. It means that sometimes there is a lot of pain and disappointment.
But it also means there is hope. It means there is potential to operate in the freedom and joy of resurrection newness.
And I think it smells a lot like incarnation.
It doesn’t mean that we avoid calling sin, sin. (discerning the right time – we do call for repentance)
It doesn’t mean that we resist being organized or excellent or stewardly (we want to be all those things).
It doesn’t mean we don’t deeply and passionately care about the outcome in a person’s life (we do – particularly expressed through ‘kick butt’ intercessory prayer).
But it does mean we humbly let God sit on the throne – not us.
It means we strive for a place of authenticity – not a veneer of spirituality.
It means we try to model our engagement after Jesus – who gave up control, divine power, and came among us to serve.
And it means we resist the quick, the easy, the consumer mentality – in exchange for the deep, abiding, transforming presence of God.
I recently sat with the chair of the board for New Direction. John is a delightful combination of wisdom and wonder wrapped up together. I always feel safe while pushing the envelope in conversation with him. He’s a philosopher, a theologian, a teacher, an artist (though he would say he mainly hangs out with artists through his work with Imago) …. He thinks deeply, loves freely and is the kind of mentor who allows you the liberty to be fully yourself.
As we talked about the way forward, we began to talk about systems. I have been intrigued and engaged in the conversations about the structures and systems that undergird the gathering of God’s people we call the church.
This blog is an example of some of this conversation. As I ponder the implications of the church functioning as an organic or living system, I can’t help but apply these thoughts to the very unique work God has called New Direction to. What would it look like for New Direction to resist being an institutionalized, self-preserving, ‘closed’ if-you-will system?
We’re not a community per sae – rather we are a facilitator, a catalyst, hopefully a subversive presence within a larger system and community that begets a movement. A movement of thought, language and most importantly relationships that reflect the good news of Jesus Christ in reaching and engaging those affected by diverse sexual identities.
At the center of this movement is Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ at the center of our reality, our humanness, our pain. Jesus Christ liberating us to be our true selves, without hiding, without pretending or posturing. Jesus Christ offering resurrection newness. Jesus Christ source of all hopefulness, source of all life. Jesus Christ in us.
So what would an organic, living system look like for a ministry addressing issues of sexual identity?
I’d been wrestling through writing this post when a friend, Bill Kinnon, connected me with Brad Sargent. Now Brad ironically used to work for Exodus as their resource and publication specialist. Brad is super smart – like I seriously need a Tylenol to read through his blog…. But I was so delighted to discover that Brad is really smart at evaluating systems, paradigms, and models …. And that he has been intimately involved in the missional conversation. And as I read through some of his stuff, it again helped me wrestle with articulating the kind of system that New Direction is seeking to embody. In an email Brad said, "I like your approach: discipleship, welcoming and transforming - not rejecting and condemning, or welcoming and affirming. You've chosen the harder, more paradoxical road, but one that brings more possibilities for true, deep, and lasting impact through the dynamic tensions of listening, learning, and loving ... without compromising truth." Thank you Brad!
Perhaps it is a bit easier to start with describing the kind of closed system that we’re trying to avoid (some might even say emerge from).
We don’t want to be about maintenance – just preserving the status quo (“This is the way we do it. This is the way it has always been done.”) instead of pressing forward with redemptive imagination and creativity.
We don’t want to be in a defensive posture – focused more on preventing opposing views from gaining ground than creating and nurturing a place of renewal and hope.
We don’t want to be a system of control – focused on censorship or keeping everyone ‘in line’ with a rigid legalism rather than risking entrusting people to Christ.
John made the observation that New Direction seeks to engage people not as a “problem to be solved” but with “potential to be empowered”. This is huge isn’t it? People who experience same-gender attraction aren’t a problem to be solved – they are a beloved child of God in whom there is potential to live in relationship with God as a co-heir with Christ. But it does beg the question – how much of Christian ministry approaches a same-gender attracted person as a problem to be solved / fixed / cured….
Empowering potential is much more nebulous. Much more unpredictable. It isn’t about control, or holding onto power – it is about letting go of control and giving power away. It means resolutely refusing to be coercive in someone’s life. It means that sometimes there is a lot of pain and disappointment.
But it also means there is hope. It means there is potential to operate in the freedom and joy of resurrection newness.
And I think it smells a lot like incarnation.
It doesn’t mean that we avoid calling sin, sin. (discerning the right time – we do call for repentance)
It doesn’t mean that we resist being organized or excellent or stewardly (we want to be all those things).
It doesn’t mean we don’t deeply and passionately care about the outcome in a person’s life (we do – particularly expressed through ‘kick butt’ intercessory prayer).
But it does mean we humbly let God sit on the throne – not us.
It means we strive for a place of authenticity – not a veneer of spirituality.
It means we try to model our engagement after Jesus – who gave up control, divine power, and came among us to serve.
And it means we resist the quick, the easy, the consumer mentality – in exchange for the deep, abiding, transforming presence of God.
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