Dealing with Conflict

Addressing and resolving conflict is rarely listed as someone’s favourite activity. Most people would put it up there with say, dentist appointments, tax time, or spring cleaning. According to my personality assessments, I am the kind of person that longs for harmony. Picture it: a campfire on the beach, someone strumming their guitar, and the soft strain of voices singing, “Dust in the Wind.” Joking aside, I’m not crazy about conflict. But I also understand and accept that conflict is a normal part of life. In the last couple of months, our team at New Direction and at my church where I’m an elder, have been looking at different conflict resolution styles and process.

An oft-cited text in Matthew 18 reminds us to not try to sweep things under the rug. I particularly like the Message version:

“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love.”

I had a conflict. A brother in Christ had hurt me. And I knew I needed to be honest and say so.

In an article for Charisma found here, Alan Chambers, President of Exodus, had referred to an informal conversation over lunch that he and I had many months earlier. Though he didn’t identify me by name, people who are familiar with this area of ministry would have likely identified me as the unnamed Canadian in the piece. In fact, I received a number of emails from folks who wanted to be sure I’d seen the article because they were concerned for how it reflected on me.

I had a lot of unanswered questions after I read the article and wanted to take some time to pray and reflect before communicating with Alan. Part of me wanted to just “let it go.” But I also knew that if I did not have some resolution about some of my questions it would seriously hinder any potential for future relationship. So, I sent Alan an email about it at the end of March and we had several emails back and forth – trying to work this out as followers of Christ.

At one point, Alan suggested that we do an “interview” of sorts on my blog as an opportunity to clarify some of the issues – and hopefully to model some resolution even in the midst of some disagreement.

So here goes:

WG: Alan, you know that the ‘kiss of death’ in our area of ministry is an accusation of compromise. I felt that the Charisma article implied that your ‘Canadian friend’ had compromised. Why did you publish an article that could easily be connected to me and with a tone that could damage my credibility?

AC: It honestly wasn’t my intent to single you out or to connect this issue to you. Maybe that was naïve of me or worse, just plain ignorant. After the fact, my biggest concern was if such an article would alienate Canadians in general. In hindsight I should have simply left Canada out of it all together. I am really sorry that I didn’t. And, I am sorry that this negatively impacted you especially so closely on the heels of the dissolution of our formal partnership that was amicable.

WG: Conflict is best resolved when the focus is kept on the issues, not personal feelings. The key issue in the article seems to be the appropriateness of covenantal friendships. I felt that the article misrepresented my position on such friendships. Do you really feel that two single people (single for whatever reason), who accept that marriage is not a likely outcome for them, ought not to make a deep friendship commitment to live together long-term, share a household, finances etc. as an experience of God-honouring intimacy and community?

AC: In my mind that isn’t all you seemed to be saying during our conversation on the topic. The couple we were discussing had a commitment ceremony, were same-sex attracted and committing to one another non-sexually for life. I do not believe that the sin of homosexuality is just sexual. I think there is something far more troubling to the Lord when someone chooses an identity—regardless of sexual behavior---that is less than God intends for His creation. Two men or two women pledging their lives to one another in marriage is less than God’s best for them. I’ve been there and my desires were much deeper and values compromised. The best thing I ever did was flee such a situation because it was not healthy or Godly.

As far as two people sharing a home—even owning it together---of course I am not opposed to that. I can think of a dozen or more different scenarios where individuals team up and together do something financially that they couldn’t do a part. Siblings do it. Parents and adult children do it. Friends do it. But, the situation you described isn’t one that I think is healthy or biblically sound.

(Note: In an earlier post, I made some comments to clarify my thoughts on covenantal friendships:

There has been some discussion of late of my support of covenantal friendships. I do not view a covenantal friendship as a sexless marriage. However, in our microwave, throw-away culture, I do appreciate the Biblical value of covenant expressed in friendship. Just because two people covenant to do life together, sharing a deep abiding friendship and commitment to be there for each other – does not make them like spouses. (ie. Abraham and Lot made a covenant.) Whether these two people are same-gender attracted or not, I see this as a viable option for those who are single – for whatever reason. And if such a commitment is made – between two friends or a group of friends - it seems to me to be something the Christian community can celebrate together – for it is an expression of gospel, counter-cultural living, when we say that we are going to serve another through life’s ups and downs. It is an option that might be more rare than common – but I believe it is an option that can be God-glorifying in the right circumstances.

Alan seems to continue to have some misperceptions about my comments. I do not personally know the two women I referred to - I simply knew of their story. I know that one woman is same-gender attracted, I believe the other woman is not same-gender attracted. In our conversation, I referred to these women sharing and celebrating with their community their decision to commit to a long-term friendship covenant. This is not the same as a 'commitment ceremony' which implies more of a marriage relationship. Though the lunch was now nearly a year ago, and I do not remember with precision all of my words during the informal conversation that I never dreamed would become cause for Alan to first question our membership within Exodus, and then later be the focus of one of his published articles, I am saddened that misperceptions continue that are unnecessary and bring confusion to an already complex subject.)

WG: Alan, you and I have known each other for over seven years. There are things we agree on and things we disagree on. What do you think is important for resolving conflict in this kind of situation?

AC: Respect and an ability to agree to disagree. I could have handled that on my end differently than I did.

WG: I think this is a really critical time in the Christian church in relation to our engagement with same-gender attracted people. What do you think are the most important priorities and values in this area of mission and ministry moving forward?

AC: I believe the most important tasks before us are equipping, educating and mobilizing the Body of Christ to embody the model found in Jesus. He was 100% grace and 100% truth. We’ve, historically, gotten the truth part right but failed at giving grace. There are portions of the Body now erring on the side of grace, which in my opinion is just as dangerous as erring on the side of truth, Very few are doing both as Jesus did. We must encourage both!

There is a lot, especially in the USA, of activism in the Christian community where public policy over gay rights is concerned. I believe that the Christian community must be far more vocal about their love for people and put their money there rather than simply coming out to support policy initiatives. I am pro-marriage, but I fall short if that’s all people know of me. Christians must be pro-people and pro-hearts. If we win all of the political battles in the world and we lose people over it then we have lost everything. God’s heart beats, “Souls! Souls! Souls! Souls!” So should ours. As I have stated before, there are people “missing” from the Body and they can be found in the gay community and we would be far better off with them than without. God would rather have a handicapped child than no child at all.

Well folks.... there you have it. Some months after the fact, but an attempt to dialogue through difference, disagreement and conflict, in the Spirit of Christ.

What questions does this raise for you?
Hopefully, Alan will stop by and engage in the comments along the way as well.

My friend David

David Colpitts is one of the contributors on the "Bridging the Gap" DVD. David was connected with New Direction long before I was. He participated in support group and later led support groups. He was also a New Direction staff member for a couple of years. David is now hard at work on ph.d. studies.

Although we haven't always perfectly seen eye-to-eye nor have we agreed on everything, David is someone who I respect on many levels. I respect his honesty. I respect his commitment. I respect his intelligence. I respect his courage.

Together, we had a number of opportunities to speak at conferences or deliver workshops. I think we complemented each other well and I have good memories of those times.

Over the years of our friendship, I have learned a great deal from David. He helped me rethink some things. For that I am grateful.

Thank you David for your kind, wise and thoughtful contributions to "Bridging the Gap".

"I am Disarmed"

I have come to deeply love the writings of Jean Vanier ..... and so when I spotted a copy of "Finding Peace" on a shelf at my friends, Mark and Karen, I asked to borrow it.

Vanier shares a poem that he translated from French written by Athenagoras, the ecumenical patriarch of Constantinople from 1948 - 1972. I was captivated by it:

I have waged this war against myself for many years.
It was terrible.
But now I am disarmed.
I am no longer frightened of anything
because love banishes fear.
I am disarmed of the need to be right
and to justify myself by disqualifying others.
I am no longer on the defensive
holding onto my riches.
I just want to welcome and to share.
I don't hold onto my ideas and projects.
If someone shows me something better -
No, I shouldn't say better but good -
I accept them without any regrets.
I no longer seek to compare.
What is good, true and real is always for me the best.
That is why I have no fear.
When we are disarmed and dispossessed of self
If we open our hearts to the God-Man
who makes all things new
then He takes away past hurts
and reveals a new time
where everything is possible.

Jean Vanier goes on to say, "To be a peacemaker means not to judge or condemn or speak badly of people, not to rejoice in any form of ill that may strike them. Peacemaking is holding people gently in prayer, wishing them to be well and free. Peacemaking is welcoming people who are weak and in need, maybe just with a smile, giving them support, offering them kindness and tenderness, and opening our hearts to them. It is welcoming those with whom we may have difficulty or whom we may not especially like, those who are ..... different than us. It is to approach people not from a pedestal, a position of power and certitude, in order to solve problems, but from a place of listening, understanding, humility, and love. When we relinquish power, we become more open to the compassion of God." (Finding Peace, Jean Vanier, p. 69)

Vanier speaks most intimately from the context of having opened his heart and home to those with a variety of disabilities. Yet this little book on "Finding Peace" speaks much to the heart of what it will cost us to truly 'bridge the gap'in the midst of enmity and polarization on the topic of homosexuality.

I feel renewed, energized, inspired and challenged to continue to seek to be a peace-maker.

For this I am grateful.

BTG on Sojourners

Brian McLaren has posted a blog entitled, "Evangelicals Need to Love Gay People"

It is posted on his site: www.brianmclaren.net

And it has also been pick up on Sojourner's blog: God's Politics

McLaren references an op-ed piece by Jonathon Merritt, points to Andy Marin's book, "Love is an Orientation", and then says,

"And last but in no way least there is Wendy Gritter, who helped produce an extremely helpful video called Bridging the Gap. Its purpose is not to take a for-or-against position on homosexuality, but to create space for Christians, whatever their opinion on the issue, to learn to be more loving and Christ-like to their gay and lesbian friends and neighbors."

This is followed by the BTG trailer.....

Thank you Brian! This is really exciting for us.

And..... if you are a reader who is gay .... head over to the Sojourner's blog and join the conversation ..... right now there seem to be a few too many straight evangelicals offering the same old comments ..... let's try some new conversations that actually do seek to 'bridge the gap'!

Brian McLaren in "Bridging the Gap"

Brian McLaren is an author, speaker and activist. Many who have felt disillusioned with either the church or Christianity, or simply no longer willing to complacently languish in the status quo, have found in Brian a refreshing, revitalizing call to re-engage in the ways of Jesus. Others view Brian with a great deal of suspicion. McLaren is a man who has encountered both incredible appreciation and criticism from within the Body of Christ.

"Why", you might ask, "would you include someone so controversial in your 'Bridging the Gap' project?"

You see, Brian is not only controversial generally, he has been both applauded and challenged for his comments on the topic of homosexuality.

We are deeply appreciative of Brian's willingness to be a contributor to this project not because we expected him to provide THE definitive answer - but because as a pastor he has a keen awareness of the pain that the polarization and enmity over the topic of homosexuality causes: to glbtq people, to those with gay loved ones, to the church, to our witness in the world.... He has a way of naming those things that hit at the heart of the matter for so many of us - in a way we can resonate with. He captures our dilemma at a relational level in such a way that it causes us to re-engage, to wrestle with God and to wrestle with each other, to find steps forward that will honour Christ and honour the image of God in one another despite disagreement. And regardless of what anyone thinks of Brian's writing and ideas, anyone who meets him in person, as I have, will encounter a man of grace who well reflects the invitational heart of his Saviour, Jesus Christ.

I have often said to our staff that if we're going to just go and do "business as usual", not rocking the boat, not making anyone uncomfortable, not challenging anyone to think and relate more deeply ..... then we might as well pack up shop and go home. This ministry area is too hard & too costly, to not risk stepping out of our comfort zones and press in to the new places God is calling us to reach out and share the love of Christ.

The question "Bridging the Gap" asks is: How can we more fully relate to our gay neighbours in the Spirit of Christ?

The question is not: Who do we agree with?
The question is not: Who do we need to correct?
The question is not: Who is missing the mark?

The question is: How are we more fully relating to our gay neighbours (some who will be fellow believers and others who need to yet encounter the real presence of Jesus) in the Spirit of Christ?

In his statement of endorsement for "Bridging the Gap", Brian says,

"According to a recent study, only 16% of Evangelicals who are aged 35 or older have a close friend or relative who is gay. Meanwhile, younger evangelicals are twice as likely to know gay people personally. Whatever your age and theological opinion on homosexuality, you'll benefit greatly from watching "Bridging the Gap." I and several of my friends appear in the DVD, along with six Christians who have experienced same-sex attraction ... all in hopes of helping our fellow Christians better share the love of Christ with gay men and women ... who (whether we know it yet or not) are our relatives, neighbors, friends, and coworkers. There's so much hot rhetoric and cold treatment when it comes to this sensitive subject; this DVD will bring needed light and warmth."

Thank you Brian. We are deeply grateful!

Today is the Day of Silence.....

..... and I'm speaking up.

I'm speaking up for the kids who can't.

Bullying is a real and devastating reality.

I'm a mom. My children are in elementary school. My middle daughter has Tourette's Syndrome and has to cope with her tics - which get worse with stress. She is bullied due to her tics - something she has very little control over. My kids go to a Christian school.

Supporting, comforting, coaching and encouraging my daughter is a daily commitment. I wrestle with feeling helpless, angry, and grieved at times. My comfort is that my daughter knows she is loved. She knows she is valued and of immense and inestimable value. My comfort is that my daughter knows the power of the Holy Spirit living in her.

What about the young kids who are bullied, not for their tics, but because they look different? Gender non-conform? Are assumed gay? Or just labelled gay to humiliate, shame and frighten?

Do these kids know they are loved? Do they know they are valued and have immense value?

Let this Day of Silence be the day Christ-followers speak up for all the kids who endure anti-gay taunting. Let us be the first to say:

"You are loved. You are valued. You have inestimable value."

Warren Throckmorton posted this video on his blog - and I too want to share it to remind all of us of the sobering reality that anti-gay bullying and harassment have devastating and deadly consequences. Let's be part of a redemptive reversal, bearers of shalom, as we speak up for justice.

A Third Way: Messy is Good

Bruxy Cavey is the Teaching Pastor at the Meeting House, a multi-site church in the Toronto area. He is a popular speaker and his book, “The End of Religion: An Introduction to the Subversive Spirituality of Jesus” has resonated deeply with many Christ-followers longing to live differently. He is all of those things - but most importantly to me, Bruxy is a friend. He has a heart for justice. He takes risks to welcome people. He encourages relationship over religion. And he is an advocate for loving engagement with our gay neighbours and the ways it may stretch and challenge those in the more conservative parts of the Body of Christ. Take a look at this clip and let us know your thoughts:

What to do on the Day of Silence by Brian Pengelly

If you are a student, or work with students and are wondering about practical things you can do on the Day of Silence here are a couple ideas:

1) Listen!
This might seem odd advice given that many people will be silent, but at many schools there will be presentations or assemblies. Many Christians feel they should avoid these activities, but I think that the presence of Christian groups and individuals is very important. It is possible that you will not agree with everything that is said. That is okay. But listen to the stories being told. Think about how we as Christians can be allies in the battle against bullying. If you are part of a Christian group you could perhaps consider having a member of the Gay-Straight Alliance (if there is one at your school) come and talk about their experiences in the school. The point of this is not to argue with them but to listen and understand their experiences.

2) The Golden Rule Pledge:
Warren Throckmorton and others have put together a project known as the Golden Rule Pledge. www.goldenrulepledge.com In many schools on the Day of Silence students hand out cards when spoken to telling people why they are not speaking and asking them what they will do to help. The Golden Rule Pledge site contains cards that Christian students can download and use to reply by pledging to “treat others the way I want to be treated”. I think this is a good starting place. Christians participating in this should spend some time thinking about how “treating others the way they want to be treated” means actively helping protect others not just promising not to bully them. It is not enough to not perpetrate injustice – one must actively seek to prevent injustice.

3) Repent
I think it is important for Christians to own how we individually and as a group have often been part of the violence against gay students, or have been complicit in allowing it to happen. Many LGBT students have stories about how Christians were the ones who treated them the worst. The Day of Silence is a good time for Christians both collectively and individually to take time to repent of this. This might be publicly, like a statement made by a church or Christian club in a newspaper. It might be individually. I heard of one Christian who on the Day of Silence simply wore a black T-shirt with the words “I am sorry” on it. This led to many wonderful conversations with other students. I believe there are many creative ways this could be done. But remember: repentance is more than words. Repentance is also a change in both attitude and action as well. If we repent and then continue in the same ways, our words mean nothing.

4) Participate
I believe that the Day of Silence is a worthy cause, and that Christians should be seen as individuals who stand up against injustice wherever it occurs, and whoever it impacts. Many Christians fear that doing so will send a signal that they support homosexuality. In my own experience, others were very able to understand where we disagreed, and thus were even more impressed when I stood up to protect and care for LGBT individuals. In fact, I found that my gay friends were much more willing to listen to my beliefs about sexuality when they saw my beliefs connected with a concern for justice and care for them.

Stopping bullying, violence, harassment and discrimination should be something that all of us can agree with, and all of us should work towards.

Originally posted at: www.thinkyouthministry.ca

The Truth about the Day of Silence by Brian Pengelly

April 17th is the International Day of Silence, a day on which students around the world will take a vow of silence at school to draw attention to the bullying, harassment, discrimination and abuse that GLBT people face at school. Over the last 13 years, this event has grown from a project at one university to one of the largest student led actions in the United States.

As it has grown in size it has gained a great deal of media attention, and has left many Christians wondering how they should respond to the Day of Silence at their school. On the extreme end of the perspective some groups have suggested keeping your children home that day, or having students walk out of class if others are allowed to not to speak in class. The stated purpose of suggested walk-out is to protest the “politicization of the public classroom”. However, protesting the students being silent by removing yourself from the classroom seems hypocritical to me. I would think that skipping class or especially leaving the classroom in protest is actually a worse disruption than what these groups are supposedly protesting against.

Other groups have attempted alternative Christian responses. There is the “Day of Truth” where Christian students are encouraged to gather and have events that talk about what the Bible says about homosexuality. Still other Christian groups are additionally planning counter-events and in some cases protests. While it would seem those who are organizing these events are well intentioned, I think Christians trying to hold counter events both distract from the important goal of stopping bullying, violence and harassment against LGBT students and gives the appearance that Christians support or don’t care that such discrimination occurs.

In some cases Christian groups have even implied or directly stated that bullying of LGBT students is not really an issue. I understand that some Christian groups are wary of statistics and stories coming from GLSEN or other gay organization, but using that as an excuse to pretend that this isn’t an issue is unacceptable.

I am a conservative evangelical youth pastor who believes that the Bible teaches that same sex erotic behaviour is outside of God’s plan for human sexuality. My conviction on this matter is not just theoretical, it is one that as a person who is same gender attracted I live out every day and one I have personally sacrificed to uphold. And as a conservative evangelical pastor I want to stand up and dispel any doubt over the question of whether LGBT students face bullying, discrimination, harassment and violence. The answer is YES they do!

The truth is that when I was a student questioning my own sexual identity in grade 9 I was beat up because of my orientation.

The truth is that I was lucky, because compared to many of my gay friends, I got off easy.

The truth is that I have talked to hundreds of youth across North America who have been called names like “fag”, “homo”, “sissy”, “dyke” and “lesbo” every single day.

The truth is that often teachers and administrators see this happen and do nothing about it.

The truth is that many students (like me) will never report the harassment and violence they face because they are scared and ashamed. So even if and when school administration will listen, they often don’t hear about the extent of it.

The truth is that it can often be Christians who perpetrate the bullying and name-calling.
I went to a Christian school. It happened there.

This is not just my experience. This is SO common. I have seen it in schools. I have seen it in churches, I have seen it in youth groups. I have talked to HUNDREDS of young people who have told me their stories.

This is REAL.

And when Christians pretend like it isn’t, we bring shame on the name of the Lord who we claim to follow.

When we stand by and let others speak out for justice while we do nothing, we fail the Kingdom of God.

When we actively oppose, or distract from those seeking justice we prove to a watching culture that our claims to love gay people are a lie.

This is REAL. This must STOP. We are part of the problem. Change starts with us.

That is the TRUTH about the Day of Silence.


Look for tomorrow's post: What To Do on the Day of Silence


Originally posted at: www.thinkyouthministry.ca

Easter Greetings

My church has been in an interesting season. We have been fast-tracking the church year. What that means in practical terms is that we were celebrating Advent during Lent and now Christmas during Easter. I know – kind of odd. But it has been quite a refreshing experience. I was surprised to discover the deep meaning I sensed in singing Christmas carols outside of the normal Christmas season (that has been so co-opted by western commercialism). And what I found was that rather than ignoring Lent and Easter, I actually had a deeper appreciation for the season through the lens of the incarnation.

So I want to extend my prayers for all of you for a blessed Easter. May you experience the reality of the presence of the Risen Jesus the Christ who hailed from the very real, human place of Nazareth.

He knows us. He has overcome for us.

Thanks be to God.

Tony Campolo's take on "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin"

We've all heard it ....."I love the sinner ..... I just hate their sin."

This statement has been critiqued a thousand ways. While some may use this phrase with the best of intentions, it has proven to be unhelpful and alienating. Yet inevitably, on some blog conversation about homosexuality and Christianity it will come up. If conservative Christians hope to bridge the gap between the church and their gay neighbours, it will be important to deconstruct the use of such dismissive cliches.

In our interview with Tony Campolo for our now available DVD series, "Bridging the Gap" he had some very interesting comments to make.
We think Tony's point is one that needs to be heard loud and clear. Will you help us get this youtube clip out there far and wide? Share it with your friends and contacts.

Of Language, Labels & Identity ..... please pass the Tylenol

It seems to me that when it comes to the language surrounding people who are gay, folks can often talk past each other. The use of language is challenging. Different people can mean different things when they say exactly the same thing. And these different meanings arise from different experiences, cultures, and backgrounds. Not only that, but as a non-same-gender attracted person trying to use language in a helpful, sensitive way, my head spins sometimes when one person says to say it this way to be helpful and then another comes along and says the complete opposite. One person is offended and then another offended by what the first person suggested as an alternative. Is there a way through this linguistic mess so that we can actually hear one another without assumptions, misperceptions, and caricaturizations?

I thought I would take a stab at describing what I’m hearing …. And then invite others to weigh in with their thoughts.

The word gay: When I talk to people who use gay to identify themselves, most say that they consider gay to be descriptive of their experiences of same-gender attraction. It seems that they are not trying to make any additional statement about their beliefs and values, their sexual involvement – or lack thereof, or their political views. Given that this seems to be the common usage, you really can’t assume anything about a person’s life or lifestyle based on their use of the word gay to describe themselves. Some people who are comfortable saying, “I’m gay” hold to a very traditional understanding of Biblical sexual ethics. They may be celibate. They may be living a chaste single life. They may be seeking to be faithful within a heterosexual marriage despite their experience of same-gender attraction. Others, who use gay to describe themselves, may be in a committed same-sex partnership. They may be sexually active outside of a committed partnership. The word gay, in and of itself, actually doesn’t tell us that much about a person other than that they experience the reality of same-gender attraction.

I encounter a different understanding when I am listening to some within conservative Christian circles. To them, the word gay seems to connote a whole package deal. If someone says they’re gay in these circles it may likely be interpreted to mean:
• Sexually active with members of their own gender (and likely promiscuous)
• Lacking in sincere Christian faith
• Capitulated to and part of promoting the ‘gay agenda’ (which seems to often be assumed to mean they are trying to attack Christianity)
• Sees their entire identity as wrapped in gay subculture (which seems to often be assumed to be anti-Christian)

These descriptions are generalizations – and I am sure that many conservative Christians would say they are much more nuanced in their understandings of the word gay than these descriptions. Unfortunately, I run into these sorts of assumptions on a regular enough basis to know that they are still alive and well within church circles. I’ve had people come up to me and tell me that they are offended by my usage of the word gay in a seminar. Others have told me they are still angry that “homosexual people co-opted the word gay from its original meaning” (like that isn’t a regular occurrence with any number of words and their use). Sometimes I encounter those who don’t really want to hear any other explanations of how people who are gay understand and use the term – they want to hold onto their assumptions and offense. When we were filming Justin Lee, Executive Director of the Gay Christian Network, he shared about encountering Christians who told him that if he wasn’t sexually active he shouldn’t call himself gay. To which Justin said, “Why should I not use the word gay just because I don’t fit your stereotype of what a gay person is? Your stereotype needs to change.” Exactly.

When language is descriptive, I think we can find a way forward. When language is used to label, I think we all face feeling boxed in and misunderstood.

Christians, understandably, have concerns about how people identify themselves – especially if they are fellow believers. If a person wants to be known as a follower of Christ, then Scripture has a lot to say about what it means to be a disciple and to accept Christ as not only Saviour but Lord. Submitting to the Lordship of Christ means that we put Christ ahead of everything else – including our sexuality. In this sense, there is a legitimate call to ensure that our primary identity is connected to our relationship with Christ. Note: Our primary identity. That doesn’t mean we don’t use other words to describe parts of ourselves – things that make up our comprehensive sense of who we are.

I am a follower of Christ. I am the Beloved of God.
I am also a wife, a mother, a ministry leader, a daughter of Dutch immigrants, a member of the Christian Reformed denomination, an avid reader, a volleyball player, a home renovation TV show addict, a recovering bulimic, a contemplative, a student, a lover of people, a wanna-be writer, a Facebook wordtwist & tetris junkie…….
My identity is influenced by all these things and more. My identity is fluid – it continues to be impacted by my experiences, the ways I’m growing and still maturing.
I don’t want anyone to make assumptions about my character, my lifestyle, my decisions and choices based simply on the words I used to describe myself and the things that influence my identity. No matter how I describe myself, it will always be incomplete. I don’t want emails giving advice for recovering bulimics or ways to break TV and Facebook addiction……. If my friends want to sit me down and have an intervention that would be one thing – but I don’t want people who barely know me other than through my blog writings to presume they have the answers for my life.

Why would it be any different for the person who identifies as gay – among the many other things that describe who they are?

I don’t think that describing yourself as gay precludes you from embracing a primary identity as the Beloved of God.
There are many Christians who experience same-gender attraction who choose to move beyond gay as a descriptor they use for themselves.
There are many other Christians who experience same-gender attraction and find the use of the descriptor gay to be an expression of honesty and authenticity.
One ought not to make any other presumptions about faith, values, sexual activity, motivations, cultural engagement etc. until you sit down and get to know them, hear their story & heart, and discover through conversation and relationship the answers to those kinds of questions.

But ….. I’m not same-gender attracted. I’m not faced with the choice to identify or not identify with the description gay.

For those of you who are and those of you who do ….. what do you think?

We've Done It!!

“Bridging the Gap: Conversations on Befriending Our Gay Neighbours” the DVD is now available! Click here to purchase.

The purpose of the Bridging the Gap DVD resource is: To better equip Christ-followers to share the love of Christ, through relationship, with our gay neighbours.

• Four segment video for small groups
• On-screen discussion questions
• Includes 40-page facilitator’s discussion guide
• FREE reproducible study guide
• Total running time: 3 hours

Participant Goals

Session 1: Gay People Are Our Neighbours
• Have an awareness of some of the real lives behind the issue of homosexuality
• Have an opportunity to assess heart attitudes
• Think more deeply about some personal steps to take to be more intentionally and relationally involved with those for whom diverse sexual identity is a reality

Session 2: The Journey of Loving Same-Gender Attracted People
• Consider core spiritual issues for someone who is same-gender attracted
• Reflect on the homophobia that continues to exist in the Christian community and consider practical steps to address this in a Christ-like manner
• Think more deeply about how to be an encouragement and support to someone who is same-gender attracted and seeking to follow Jesus

Session 3: Loving Each Other Through Difference and Disagreement
• Be confronted with the reality that Christians come to different perspectives on gay issues
• Engage a model of true friendship despite disagreement and hear the ways Christ continues to be honoured and revealed through such friendship
• Think more deeply about how to engage in a Christ-like manner with someone who holds a different perspective

Session 4: Creating a Safe Place in the Christian Community
• Understand the underlying values and attitudes that will be necessary to be a welcoming place for our gay neighbors
• Have an awareness of the potential barriers to a gay neighbor feeling safe and comfortable to explore belonging and faith in the church
• Think more deeply about some personal steps to take to be a safe presence for a gay neighbor seeking to explore who Jesus is

Check it out & spread the word!

Some steps in bridge building

Someone has anonymously commented on my last post – and given that my response to them was getting longer and longer – I decided to just make it it’s own post.

This commenter asked:
"How do we get to the point of seeing this issue as an area of disagreement rather than a salvation issue?"

This is a core question - and not one I have a perfect and complete answer for. But here are some thoughts:

If we are saved by grace alone through faith in Jesus Christ, then the issue of salvation is wrapped up in this truth. (Romans 5:1-3) Jesus Christ has already accomplished all that is needed for us to be restored to living relationship with God - for now and eternity. This reality is actualized as we are aware and receptive to this invitation of relationship. This reality cannot be earned or destroyed because of what we do. Our experience of this reality may be marred by what we do - but the reality of our redemption is secure in Christ. All of us find ourselves falling short of the glory of God deserving of eternal separation from God. But thanks be to God, we have been reconciled in Christ. The tragedy is that there are human beings who do not accept or acknowledge the reality of this reconciliation that is their's in Christ.

Now - there will be Christians who disagree on this understanding of justification - and if so, it may be very difficult for them to bridge the gap in viewing those who disagree with them on homosexuality as just as caught up in the reconciling reality of Christ as they are. But for those who can and do embrace this understanding of justification, there is hope for viewing fellow Christians who disagree with us on any number of topics (homosexuality just being one) as positioned to receive the same free gift of grace and redemption through Christ.

(Note: For those of you who now think I'm a universalist, let me clarify that while I do not believe our actions can destroy the redemption that Christ has accomplished on our behalf - I do see that such redemption is effective through our receptivity of it. Therefore, if a human being refuses to receive the reality of their redemption, it ceases to be actualized for them. For a more robust articulation of this understanding of justification, I might suggest reading Baxter Kruger - an actual theologian - which I am not.)

So, I view sexual ethics then as an issue of sanctification (the process of becoming more like Christ) - not justification. This frees me to engage my brothers and sisters who testify to being receptive of Christ's accomplished redemption on their behalf - regardless of where they are at in the process of sanctification and including those who disagree with me about areas that need sanctifying. For example, take an issue like divorce. Christians disagree on the acceptability of divorce and remarriage. But despite these disagreements, most Christians would view a divorced and/or remarried person who identifies as a Christian to be a genuine follower of Jesus.

Those who share this view of justification, even those who hold a very conservative view of sexual ethics, have the capacity to be able to receive someone who holds a different perspective than they do as a mutual pilgrim on the journey of faith - seeking to know and live out God's will for their lives. Because the area of sexual ethics can be so charged, so threatening, so frightening, I think it is important in conversations about homosexuality to remind one another of the basis of our justification. We may disagree with a gay Christian's decision to marry or be in relationship with a same-gender partner, but if we revisit the question of justification then we will hopefully have the humility and grace to understand that this individual has just as much access to live in the reality of Christ's redemption as anyone else does. (Ephesians 2:8-10) And then hopefully we will recognize that it is truly only God who can judge the receptivity of the fullness of Christ's redemption in any human heart. By being a recipient of the free gift of grace, I am then invited to extend the same grace to others - entrusting them and their understanding of Scripture in relation to issues of sanctification to God.

Now this can leave many unanswered questions. I’ll surmise on some of the common ones I hear:

"Do I never share what I believe with the other person?"

Sharing what we believe with someone who holds a different perspective than we do is always a matter of discernment and ought to require of us to search our own motives. If we are sharing what we believe in the context of relationship, where there is rapport and trust established, where we have demonstrated that we are as willing to listen as to speak, then we are most likely to encounter receptivity on the other person's part to at least listen. If we are sharing what we believe because we have sensed the Holy Spirit nudging us to speak, and we've waited for a sense of confirmation, then we are most likely to encounter receptivity. If we are sharing what we believe from a place of love - and not from fear or a desire to control - then we are most likely to encounter receptivity. And if we are able to share with no strings attached, (ie. "If you don't agree with me - this relationship is done.) truly entrusting the other person to Christ with the full assurance that the Holy Spirit is more than able to convict and challenge them in the appropriate areas at the appropriate times, then I think we can be useful in building bridges. (I Peter 3:15)

"What boundaries on behaviour should a church have?"

Any church community needs to have clear and shared understanding about appropriate behaviour for those who identify as followers of Jesus Christ, called to be his representatives in the world. (An example of such a process is found in Acts 15) On the issue of homosexuality, some church communities will have a consensus that homosexual behaviour is precluded by Scripture. Other church communities will have consensus that homosexual behaviour expressed in committed, monogamous relationships can be consistent with living a God-honouring life. And then there are church communities where there is a lack of consensus because different people have different perspectives. This last description is one that I see more and more frequently. There may be official policies on the books of the church - but in reality, there is diversity of perspective. One way that such a church can move forward is to have a clear and shared understanding that the issue of homosexuality is a disputable matter in that congregation - that members will not sit in judgment over one another - and that there will be a commitment to honour each other's true convictions on this topic. Wherever a church finds itself, I think everyone benefits from a clear understanding of where a church is landing. This means the members are clear on the expectations and it means those who visit or consider attending (including gay people) will have a clear understanding with no surprises down the road. Part of this clear understanding will need to articulate a church's position on specific questions like leadership roles, church membership, and marriage. Regardless of the position a church takes, I believe each congregation needs to be challenged and encouraged to be a welcoming place to all people - including those who hold a different perspectives.

"How do I correct a brother or sister in Christ who is making choices I believe are inconsistent with Scripture?"

Similar to my responses to the first question, words of correction require discernment, maturity and humility. Scripture teaches us that as a follower of Jesus we are not an island. God places us in community and we are encouraged to not give up meeting together. (Hebrews 10:25) Doing life together is a significant factor in growing spiritually – and part of that means that we need to care for one another enough to confront and correct one another. Such correction always needs to come with gentleness and not out of fear or anger. (II Timothy 4:2)

"If gay people can go to heaven even if they are in a gay relationship - then why would any gay people choose celibacy or try to pursue the opportunity for a healthy heterosexual marriage?"

I often encounter a fear among conservative Christians that if we are too accepting of gay-affirming Christians then we’ll all just slide down the slippery slope of liberalism and relativism. I hear a lot of fear in this kind of response, fear for the future of the church. What those of us who are seeking to build bridges need to stay connected to is the truth that God is in control. We don’t need to control everything – God is in control. God, through the generations, has spoken and is speaking and will speak. Scripture tells us that God’s Word is alive and active and powerful. (Hebrews 4:12) God will continue to speak to individuals and to church communities, convicting, challenging, encouraging, and leading. There will continue to be people who experience same-gender attraction who believe God is calling them to refrain from engaging in a gay relationship. There will continue to be people who experience same-gender attraction who believe the integration of their faith and sexuality leads them to make a life-long commitment to a same-sex partner. People will live out their convictions in different ways. This has always been a reality in the church – and will be a reality in the future. There are so many different areas in each of our lives where we could be more fully living out God’s best intentions for us. None of us hits the mark. Which is why we are a people who live by grace. Not a cheap grace – doing whatever we feel like and assuming God’s grace will cover it anyway. But rather, the grace of knowing that though we can never measure up, can never fulfill God’s law, can never be fully like Christ this side of heaven, Christ has made a way for us to be reconciled to God. (Romans 3:23) For example, Scripture tells us to sell all we have to give to the poor, to deny ourselves, to pour out our lives on behalf of the weak and needy….. how many of us live that out fully? How many of us, in the fat, wealthy Western church, have come to terms with our wealth, see it as God’s blessing, and live at peace with God? There would be those who radically disagree – who have sold all they have and are living among the poor. When those who live among the poor can have the grace and maturity and humility to accept those of us who continue to live in bigger houses than we need, continue to buy more stuff than we possibly can use, eat more food than our bodies require etc., I think they model for us a way to be the Body of Christ together – accepting that we all need to wrestle with God is asking of us in our lives. (Colossians 3:13)

I received an email some weeks ago from a ministry leader. He spoke about how he has always believed that God’s best intention is for same-gender attracted people to not express that in sexual behaviour or relationships. He has owned and lived out that conviction, first as a single man for many years, and now as happily married man with his wife. But he also readily acknowledged the faith of gay people who hold a gay-affirming perspective. It seems to me, that there is more of a spaciousness in which such perspectives can be shared today than there was even just five or ten years ago. I pray that such spaciousness arises from a place of grace, humility and maturity – and from a radical faith in a radical God who extends the redemption won through Christ to all people.

These are some of my thoughts ..... What do you think?