Ok.... so we got this email today through one of our other websites:
"I am a concerned nieghbor of a lesbian couple and wish to send them some info on how to become a christian and distance themselves from there unGodly life style they are currently leading. They are very unhappy people and we believe as a nieghborhood it is because of the homosexuality and no life with Christ. I dont want to push this on them but I would like you to send them some info about how you could help them."
Helpful tips for this concerned neighbour:
1. Find ways to connect with and serve your neighbours - mow their grass, bring them cookies, invite them for dinner
2. Be a listening ear - resist telling them what you think, instead, be a listening presence - you might be surprised by what you hear
3. Pray
In case anyone wonders why we think it is important to stimulate humble, discerning, incarnational conversations with Christians on how to befriend our gay neighbours .... this email is a pretty good indication of the need.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
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15 comments:
While you have good suggestions, I'm a little troubled that you missed an opportunity to minister to the e-mailer's prejudices and ignorance:
* Unhappiness could be caused by many factors (including living among nosey, judgemental neighbors). While they may not share your faith, lesbians and non-Christians can have happy lives and can be good neighbors.
* It inappropriate to judge anyone's lifestyle or their relationship with Christ.
* Your ministry does not accept unwilling referrals or coerce people into its program (I assume).
I think the thing that is most bothersome about this is that it assumes that all lesbians, or all non Christians must be miserable. I know alot of unhappy Christians, a lot of happy non-christians, alot of happy gay people and a lot of miserable straight people.
I am sure whoever wrote it means well, but if you start from a place of so many patronizing assumptions why should your neighbors want to listen to anything you have to say?
Hi Norm,
Appreciate your additions.
You're right on.
And yes, as a ministry we are available for those who seek us out - we will not intrude where we have not been invited (by the actual individuals that is).
Thanks for your thoughts.
I think another important point to raise is the issue of gossip. The e-mail makes a reference to "and we believe as a neighborhood . . ."
This tells me that the people of the neighborhood have been talking about this lesbian couple, and I not in very positive ways. Gossip is sin, and very destructive. Before pointing out the sin of neighbors, they should repent of their own.
" resist telling them what you think"
Wendy,
This is so important - thanks for reiterating it. There is an old Jewish saying "God gave us two ears and one mouth so we can listen more than talk".
Congrats on your new blog. I love it and will come back often.
I agree with Norm and Brian above. I think this is an opportunity for you to exercise an educational role with the letter-writer on s/he who is without any sin, cast the first stone.
To your list I would also add:
4. As you begin to serve your neighbours with baking cookies and mowing the lawn etc etc, a relationship will begin to develop. Go into the relationship suspending all judgement, and with a willingness to learn, change, and receive.
It's funny.
A gay couple can spring into a full-on Disney musical with flowers blooming and squirels singing. Sparks can shower into the air and sunbeams shine like spotlights.
And then some anti-gays will look at each other, sigh, and say, "Oh how sad. Homosexuality is such an unhappy life".
It could well be that the lesbians are so happy that they are verging on manic. The "unhappiness" may all be in the presumptions of the neighbor.
If we tell ourselves that Jews are stingy, that hispanics are lazy, that blacks are criminal, that gays are unhappy, or that Christians are judgemental, then we will see stingy Jews, lazy hispanics, criminal blacks, unhappy gays and judgmental Christians.
Timothy
Thanks everyone for stopping by...
It confirms our understanding in launching this blog that we need to have conversations with each other because: none of us have all the answers, we need each other's insights, and that together we enlarge the picture of what it means to truly be a good neighbour - one that reflects the love and justice of God.
A lesbian friend of mine - who hasn't quite figured out how to leave a comment - emailed me to add her thoughts...
She said, "For me this is the root of fear, for both sides. And the myths that are true, are not contagious:) and the many that are not, need you to face these churches with your unbelieving or gay believing friends. Start a community so the people with good hearts don't walk the long walk to their neighbor's house to bring cookies, only to find out that the gay couple, perceive the gift as "someone might not be well at home" :)
Find out if they play soft ball, ask to go watch a game, garden with them, (because you have time on your hands). People are suspect of good deeds, if they involve one way giving. Show a gay person you are willing to trust them, and by trying fear may diminish.
I think, the concerned neighbor has generated fear with the neighborhood, by the comment " we as a neighborhood think.....)
That gay couple is no doubt hearing and seeing the whispering, and the avoidance and pity. The concerned neighbor, as a Christian needs to set an example, by finding a common bond, befriend the couple, and stop the talk. Gossip often disguises itself as well meaning information, it is simply hurtful, manipulative talk."
Again really helpful thoughts.
We need to hear each other to grow and learn .... and I'm so thrilled to see that beginning to happen already on this blog.
Some Christians seem to have a real double standard when it comes to gay people versus heterosexuals who have divorced and remarried, people with flashy possessions and others. It's one big reason I walked away from evangelical Christianity once I accepted I am gay and embraced Anglicanism.
I still find it a bit absurd that ex-gay ministries exist, yet ministries that don't guide divorced and remarried people away from their ongoing adulterous relationships and into lifetime celibacy (per 1 Cor 7:10-11) don't exist, though that population is far larger, nor do ministries dedicated toward helping people get rid of their possessions (per Christ's comments in the parables and Sermon on the Mount) which probably affects almost everyone in North America.
It's also interesting that many Christians seem to accepts these other sinners as fellow travellers, as imperfect as they are, but always assume that gay and lesbian people aren't Christians and need the Gospel shared with us.
I once even had a conversation with an evangelical friend who had decided I needed to be his "project" to save. For a long time he kept telling me that unless I stopped calling myself gay and embraced lifetime celibacy (as if the two are mutually exclusive) I was going to hell.
Over lunch one day, he mentioned that his sister who had left her husband because of ongoing substance abuse problems had met someone else. When I asked him why he didn't demand the same from his sister, without a hint of irony, he said that telling her she had to spend the rest of her life alone was unreasonable.
toujoursdan - you raise some important issues. It is our hope that as Christians have the opportunity to engage with diverse perspectives on this blog that they will have the opportunity to confront some of their own double standards, attitudes and hang-ups. Diverse folks may well still disagree on sexual ethics - but we hope that they will engage with greater respect, kindness and understanding for having had the opportunity to hear people's hearts and experiences.
In the "limper" post I speak to the need for there to be "a level playing field" - part of this is the absolute need for consistency and dismantling of the hierarchy of sin.
You may be interested, if you haven't already viewed it, to take a peek at the dialogue I had the opportunity to engage here: http://www.exgaywatch.com/wp/2008/02/wendy-gritter-of-exodus-member-ministry-new-direction/
At New Direction we wouldn't describe ourselves as an ex-gay ministry. Our distinctives and values found here: www.newdirection.ca articulate our ethos and approach towards same-gender attracted and gay people. Our primary focus is that each individual has a safe and spacious place to encounter the presence of Jesus. Should they, after their own searching and wrestling with Scripture and the Holy Spirit, embrace a sexual ethic consistent with the ethic of New Direction, then we seek to offer support to them in their journey with Christ and in seeking to not be mastered by their experience of same-gender attraction. You have come to a different conclusion - and we would want to encourage you in your relationship with Christ. We don't see our focus as trying to change your mind.
We seek to be a ministry that is available to those who seek us out. We seek to be honouring of those who come with questions and ambivalence to give them space to own for themselves what they believe to be true about sexual ethics. We don't see the ministry of Jesus as ever being coercive - and we seek to be invitational in the same manner he was. In that sense, we would discourage Christians from seeking to make anyone their 'project' and rather encourage them to simply be the best friend they can be - trusting that the life of Christ within them is alive and will be present in the midst of their friendships.
p.s. I totally agree as well with your challenge regarding wider justice issues. Personally, my family and I are really seeking the Lord for practical ways we can downsize and simply our lifestyle (so those of you reading who would like to pray that our house sells - that would be really appreciated :))
You have come to a different conclusion - and we would want to encourage you in your relationship with Christ. We don't see our focus as trying to change your mind.
Good! Because I think we have much more in common than in opposition.
I pray for the day when Christians and gays stop seeing each other as the enemy and focus on those things that are our enemy: hate, violence, poverty, environmental destruction, etc. We all bring gifts to the table to fight these evils.
I find myself trying to convince other gay people that Christians aren't all bad, just like you are doing with many Christians. Sometimes we feel understood by no one.
I don't know if you are familiar with www.gaychristian.net but it also brings gay people together - people who embrace celibacy as well as those who seek a lifetime relationship. If you haven't checked that site out, it might help.
I have added you to my blogroll and will check in.
Hey Wendy, Congrats on the new blog! Love the instant dialogue it created. Commenting on the materialism issue...we downsized a year ago so we could live in the community we were ministering in, we were freed up from taking care of stuff to caring for people, and I was freer to continue my work in Africa because of fewer financial commitments. We love the freedom and I highly recommend it! All the best with the house sale.
Wendy and Brian,
Congrats on the blog. I will add you to my Google Reader.
ToujoursDan,
Good to see you engaged in the conversation here. (Your blog is already in my GR.)
Thanks Dawn.
Toujoursdan - There are important commonalities - and you've pointed out some key ones. My heart is also to dismantle the sense of enmity thus the title of the project: Bridging the Gap.
I think gaychristian.net is special in that it brings together those of very different perspectives and focuses, first and foremost, on Jesus Christ - and then secondarily on issues of sexual ethics. I've come to know Justin personally and have really appreciated his commitment to be Christ-centered in giving leadership to GCN. With his permission, I actually attended the 2007 conference and was really grateful for the opportunity. AND, four of the 'voices' we've interviewed for the actual "Bridging the Gap" DVD resource are from GCN including Justin. GCN is a place where the conversations are truly happening .... but of course many Christians will never access or be a part of those conversations.... but hopefully they'll have the opportunity to have a bit of that flavour at this blog ..... without it being a debate about church polity (more than enough of us are completely weary and exhausted with that) but rather a focus on relational engagement and really hearing from our gay neighbours and how we can best navigate authentic friendships together.
Bless you.
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