This past Saturday was “National Coming Out Day.” Several blogs that I follow had poignant first-person accounts of the sense of relief and congruity that an individual can feel once they disclose to the people they care about the most the reality of their same-gender attraction.
For those of us who are straight, and don’t spend a whole lot of time processing, wrestling, hiding, or managing our heterosexuality, I think there will always be a gap in our understanding of what it is like to be persistently same-gender attracted – particularly within the Christian community. We might like to try to step into a gay person’s shoes – but at the end of the day – I think we can’t really fully grasp the multi-layered complexities of the process of discovery and coming out.
A few of years ago I attended a conference that gathered same-gender attracted Christians of varying perspectives. I intentionally chose to fly under the radar – to attend as a “normal Jane” (which in this situation meant that most people simply assumed I was gay). For two and a half days, I chose to set aside some of my most significant identifiers – wife, mother, New Direction leader. I found it exhausting. I had to be constantly vigilant. It took a lot of energy to watch what came out of my mouth particularly when meeting new people (which I did a lot of) – because those identifiers were so ingrained as part of my “get to know me” script. As I reflected on that conference experience, I think one of the things God wanted me to experience, albeit in a very limited fashion, was the burden of hiding significant parts of your identity. Being a wife or a mom or a ministry leader doesn’t define me, but they do describe very important parts of me. And keeping those identifiers under wraps was really hard – I felt diminished in some way – even though I was the one who had chosen to do so. God birthed a deeper empathy in me that weekend – for which I’m very grateful.
So I have a different take on “National Coming Out Day” than I used to. I’m not threatened by it anymore. I still hope that young kids don’t label themselves too prematurely. And I still pray that those who come out as gay will make wise decisions about faith, community and relationships. But I’m better prepared to understand that coming out, in and of itself, is really just about being honest, being authentic, no longer hiding.
“National Coming Out Day” coincided with a major holiday – Thanksgiving – here in Canada. That meant that when I came to the office this morning I had the opportunity to field some calls from some parents whose kids had disclosed their sexual identity to them over the weekend. Some were shell-shocked. Some had a thousand questions. Some were grieving. I’m delighted to say that none were angry or horribly freaking out (we’ve had those in the past too).
The thing about coming out is that the gay person has had years to prepare for that moment – the loved ones, even if they had some inkling in the past – may be caught off guard.
When we gather parents together for a supportive place of sharing and prayer, this is what I say:
• This is a safe place to process all the complex emotions that may come with your child’s disclosure.
• We won’t make any assumptions about you except for one: that you are here because you love your child.
• Our focus is on coming to a place of acceptance where you are free to love unconditionally and where you are best positioned to be useful to God in his pursuit of your child.
• This is NOT about:
o fixing your child
o fixing you
o theological debate
o blame or guilt
o everyone having to think alike or agree
Coming out requires grace on all sides. And grace is what we seem to have such a hard time grasping.
If you’re a pastor or a ministry leader, ask yourself, “How many people have felt safe coming out to me?” It’s a pretty good test for whether or not you embody grace.
Frankly, I wish there were other coming out days that straight people could expeirence. Because I wish there was more honesty. I wish there was more authenticity. And I wish there was more grace for the reality of the messiness that pervades all of our lives.
To the kids who came out this weekend: grace to you.
To the parents who are now processing: grace to you.
To a church still easily threatened: grace to you.
To an impatient gay community: grace to you.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
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7 comments:
I think I will suggest to others to go through a weekend where they pretend to be gay to gain a sense of how it feels to hide, keep quiet, restrict your being etc...
I know it was difficult for you but I am glad you were able to experience (even if just for a moment) the ongoing feeling of being inconsistent and self denial that a gay person or person w/SSA goes through when entering a room of people who are not in touch.
Mary
Brilliant, just brilliant. I want to be a man of grace.
Thanks Wendy.
I think the statement in this that struck me the hardest was, "For those of us who are straight, and don’t spend a whole lot of time processing, wrestling, hiding, or managing our heterosexuality, I think there will always be a gap in our understanding of what it is like to be persistently same-gender attracted – particularly within the Christian community."
This is what my "straight' friends don't understand. They go through everyday not having to wrestle with their sexual identity, all they gave to do is make sure that they do not exercise their desires outside the bounds of matrimony.
I think another key factor that is often not understood my "straights" is that SSA is more of an emotional issue than a sex-act issue.
The desire to commit the act is only a symptom of a deeper underlying problem.
Charis kai Eirene umin,*
Rik
*Grace and Peace to you
Thanks for stopping by Rik.
You're right to point out the emotional element of sga. The desires arise from core human need - need that is legitimate and normal. For those who believe, based on their faith and reading of scripture, that they ought not express those needs through sexual intimacy with their own gender then need to find other healthy ways to meet these deep needs. In that sense, I'm not sure I would describe it as a "deeper underlying problem" but rather as simply a deeper human need. It should be said of course, that it is not only sga people who - for a variety of reasons - choose to not meet their deep inner needs in a sexual manner (same-gender or opposite gender) because of convictions and beliefs. Rather than being chided as being repressed or living in denial, these friends need encouragement to live consistently with their values supported through loving relationships.
I went to a Love Won Out conference about two years ago, after our son told us that he thought he was gay. It was so wonderful. I learned about the balance of grace and truth and it gave us hope. It also was important to know that we weren't alone...and we were given tools to help us relate and understand our son. Its still difficult, but we have a peace as we walk through this time.
Initeresting that Jesus himself was full of grace and truth - both in perfect balance. We as humans tend to gravitate toward one or the other, don't you think?
I like Ecclesiastes 7:18
It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes
very good article...well written, and easy to understand. I wish more people got grace.
I have to agree with Rik's comments as well. Many of my straight friends have wondered why gay people choose to be identified by their sexuality when, as a straight person, they see it as only one part of their identity. They argue that as Christians - gay or straight - we're all called to submit our sexual desires to God. Fair enough, I do believe that. But, as you point out, it's not so much that I'm defined by my sexuality but rather by the daily effort I spend wrestling with it, submitting it to God, seeking wholeness, and hoping for change.
Thank you for stating it so well.
P
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