Below is a letter I wrote in response to an old friend who is committed to living a celibate life. I'm posting an edited version of it because it seems to be a query that I am hearing more and more often...
"I have had conversations with a number of 'side B' same-gender attracted people - those who hold to a conservative understanding of sexual ethics - who have also expressed some frustration / concern with how to interact with 'side A' gay Christians - including the times they find themselves in the same church. This can be a difficult situation - and I can empathize with the different tensions that result.
I think we will increasingly see in the church that homosexuality is viewed as a disputable matter. More and more I think there will be an acceptance of the reality that people of good Christian faith come to different conclusions on this interpretive issue. For myself, I have been stretched a lot in the last number of years. I continue to be influenced and impacted by the Creation account and my sense of God's best intentions for human sexuality. But, like you, I have encountered others who come to different conclusions - and they have a very genuine faith. This disconnect can be anxiety producing and threatening - and this is especially so when it is a personal reality, struggle and journey.
A few things I would offer .....
1. You need to own your convictions. This requires great maturity. You must live your life in alignment with what you really believe to be true - even if you find yourself increasingly faced with others who have made different choices. It is a different situation - but there are some similiarities. I have been married for 14 years. It has often been a very difficult marriage. For a variety of reasons it is often a lonely and painful place - for both of us - despite our best intentions. All around me there are people who are encouraging me to seek a divorce. And I know a lot of divorced Christians who love God, some who have remarried and are very happy in their new marriage. This can cause me to wonder why I should continue to be faithful in my marriage - given some of the hurts that happen. But at the end of the day, I need to make my decision to stay faithful in my marriage based on what my convictions are. And I continue to believe that God will be faithful to us, that he will be sufficient, that suffering is a normal part of the Christian life, that God will help me and provide for me as I stay true to my vows.
2. Be alert to the temptations to bitterness and blaming. This may require great discipline to continue to forgive, release, bless and love others - including the gay couples in your church.
3. Don't be afraid. God is with you. He is leading you. Don't worry about whether you will change your convictions. Don't worry about disappointing God. Don't fear making the wrong decision. When we give energy to worry and fear - the enemy has a foothold. Fear and love are like oil and vinegar. If you spend energy worrying and afraid that you will not be able to maintain a celibate life - you will be distracted from that which will actually strengthen you to stay true to your convictions regardless of what others are doing. What will actually strengthen you in your convictions is to be focused on God's love for you. Instead of being afraid that you will disappoint God if you change your views - focus on the Father's extravagent love for you - no matter what. Even if your views changed, or if you had a same-sex sexual relationship - God the Father loves you. You don't have to be afraid. As you rest in this love, as you refuse to give fear a foothold, you will actually be more free to stay true to your convictions.
4. Be alert to the core temptations common to all humanity. The desert fathers and mothers talked about the 8 bad thoughts as the root of all sin and seperation from God. We often think of them as the 7 deadly sins ..... but I think it is actually more helpful to view them as the 8 temptations. Lust, gluttony, laziness, indifference, pride, greed, envy, anger. I would encourage you to find some helpful and encouraging resources to help you focus on growing in mastery over these temptations. Kathleen Norris has a new book called "Acedia and Me" (acedia is the temptation to 'indifference') .... it is a wonderful read that is practical, encouraging, realistic, and solid. Another very good read is Jean Vanier's "Becoming Human".
5. Stay connected to the people and things that bring you joy.
6. Watch for a rebellious spirit that wants to eradicate suffering. Suffering is a normal part of the Christian life.
7. Nurture a sense of fulfillment in your own spirit from the choices you have made.
8. Watch your own levels of anxiety. Practise good self-care so that anxiety doesn't become a dominating reality.
I share these things, in part, out of my own difficult journey of seeking to remain faithful to what I believe to be true - when many others around me think my staying true is silly or unnecessary or based in fear.
I want my life to be motivated by love - but the reality is that is hard work.
I hope that is somewhat helpful.
It was great to hear from you and I pray that you will experience great shalom in your walk with Christ, your friendships and relationships, in your work and that you will know great joy.
blessings,
wendy
Thursday, February 5, 2009
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6 comments:
More than helpful. Thanks for writing this.
Wendy, thanks for being so open in this post. Your comments about fear & love, and about suffering as an expected part of the mature Christian life (married or celibate) have stuck with me over the past couple of weeks. I'm glad you've shared them with the broader community here.
Hey Wendy, Glad you are back and feeling better. I have wanted to comment on the last few posts, and then I read this one and figured I would just give a blanket comment.
We need your voice in this community. What you say is probably not popular evrywhere and it is probably not even completely correct either. None of us are completely correct. But what you bring to the table consistently is a correct attitude.Jesus is approachable, in fact He does most of the approaching, not us. We need your calm voice of humble approachability in this community in order to keep the conversation and friendships going. We will all get where God wants us to be when we humbly help each other along the path. Logs and splinters fall away when we love each other and accept help and friendship with each other. Keep speaking, keep reaching, and keep humbly walking, if nothing else it is a joy to watch. Be encouraged.
Thanks everyone for stopping by .... I'm encouraged and humbled by your comments.
SBB - I appreciate the spaciousness to not always have to be completely correct - that would be a heavy load to carry to be sure :)
I am not sure who I am responding to on this blog so I apologize for not addressing you by your name. I have read this blog along with many other similiar blogs recently. I have been very hesitant to write a response because I find that I have to walk away from my laptop before I throw it againest the wall. I know that sounds like a strong reaction--it is and I will tell you why.
I am a liberal gay christian who is a member of a very progressive congregation where my relationships with my partner are never even given a second thought. Their belief is that being in a same sex relationship honors God.=--end of story.
So when I read your blog, I am often left with more questions than answers. Quite honestly, I truly question your motives. I think you truly want to reach out to gays and lesbians, and at some level, I believe that part. However, I always leave this blog and ones to similiar to this wondering what outcome are you truly looking for. I see a lot of words revolving around reconciliation, understanding, bridging the gap and so on. But I am left wondering less about the process you are using and wondering MORE about what kind of outcome you are searching for? Is it your hope that you will befriend Gays and Lesbians in hopes that we will decide to become celibate and live chaste lives? If this is your ultimate goal then you might as well stop your efforts now. Why would gay and lesbians want to be a part of conservative/evangelical congregation where your presence would be only lukewarm at best? Why not attend an MCC Church or another liberal mainline congregation where the issue of homosexuality has long since been answered? For me, it truly boils down to this, if your efforts are to somehow convince us (or your secret prayer time wish) that we will "see the light" as you define it and become happy healthy celibate gay evangelicals then you are going to be waiting and praying a lonnnng time. HOWEVER, if you truly want dialogue and respect our theological differences and only want to connect with us in Christian love then I think you are on the right track. I realize that this sounds mean spirited but I dont mean it to be. It just seems to me that this blog and others are so condescending--even more so than the out and out gay haters like Phelps and his crowd. In some ways I think Evangelical Christians who are so (all of a sudden" surgary sweet) and nice are a cause for MORE concern. More of a concern because it seems that this "new approach" being used by some in the evangelical church is an attempt to engage gays and lesbians in conversation without truly looking for a different outcome than those who out and out publicly denounce homosexaulity. To put it in easier terms it just seems like a "sneakier approach" with the same intent in mind. Sort of a "love the sinner hate the sin" dressed up in a pretty dress--it looks nicer and prettier but the message and the outcome is still the same. I can almost respect the fred phelps of the world more--at least they are honest about how their intentions BUT this new attempt by some evangelicals seems less so. As I said before I realize this is strongly worded but honestly its more of a vent than anything else. I can also assure you that others in gay and lesbians circles have taken notice of this and are like me---sitting back and waiting to see how this unfolds.
Hello Jack,
First off, my apologies - I did not receive a notification of your comment - otherwise I would have posted it much sooner. (maybe it was too long ? :)
I think I'm actually going to write more in another post - because you raise important issues that can't be just addressed in a comment section....
But let me say this: Thank you for taking the time to raise your concerns. This is the heart of the matter to be sure .... I just wrote a post on trust issues - that touches a little bit on what you've raised - but I'll speak more specifically in a following post.
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