I would be the first to say that I have struggled with trust issues all my life. My mother died when I was 18 months old – and anyone who is at all familiar with Erik Erikson’s stages of development will know that this is the pivotal time when trust develops. My trust mechanisms were significantly disrupted. Add to this a string of painful experiences in my life – most significantly a nearly 10 year relationship with an older woman that was deeply co-dependent and ended with her traumatic rejection of me …. and bingo …. you’ve got some big time trust challenges.
Now the beautiful thing about being in relationship with One who redeems, restores and heals, is that God has done a lot in my life to compensate for the wounds and hurts. As I’ve matured, I’ve learned to discern and have the courage to take risks in the trust department. But after many, many years of working on my “stuff”, I think part of my serenity is accepting that the deficits in my life that impact my ability to trust will likely never be completely 100% erased this side of heaven.
This was poignantly brought home to me again this past week when my husband and I went to see “The Reader” with Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes. In the story, a young boy becomes involved with an older woman. She disappears abruptly from his life without any explanation ….. and as the story unfolds we see a boy become a guarded, distant man – whose marriage crumbles, who takes lovers without emotional involvement, and whose relationship with his daughter is haunted by an inability to deeply connect. I saw myself in this character. In my post-film reflections I had much to be grateful for – a keen sense of “but for the grace of God in my life ……” At the same time, it also gave rise to connecting again with a sense of grief for things that had been taken from me, the hurts I did not seek, nor deserve….. and for the hurts that I have caused by the walls and inaccessibility of places in my heart – even to myself.
I take comfort, of course, in knowing that God isn’t finished with me yet. He is still restoring the broken places in my heart. He hasn’t given up on my marriage. And He continually blesses and restores me as I love my children.
But as both an introvert and a wounded soul, I regularly come face to face with my limitations in staying deeply connected to people beyond my most intimate circle of family and friends. It isn’t that I don’t want to love well. Sometimes I’m just not sure how to do so with so many different people who connect with me. I value relationships so much – but I face my finite supply of emotional energy all too often. And if I’m honest, sometimes I just feel uncertain about navigating all the different boundaries that my very eclectic and diverse assortment of personal connections require.
Navigating these kinds of realities is hard work. It requires the discipline of staying self-aware, growing in discernment, taking risks, forgiving yourself, extending grace to yourself and others.
I’ve seen some of this struggle at work in the aftermath of our decision to leave Exodus. There are many individuals who would point to their past involvement with New Direction as a hurtful, harmful experience. People speak of feeling ‘forced’ to live a lie, to live inauthentically. They share of raw experiences with deep depression and suicidal ideation. These are painful stories to encounter. My heart aches and wants to reach out, build a new relationship, listen well, grieve together, and look to the hope God is holding out for today and the future. I cannot undo the past. I cannot control people’s experience as they engage New Direction – neither past, nor present, nor in the future.
What I can do is commit to do everything I can to be part of creating a generous spaciousness where people can encounter the love of God and really wrestle to own their own beliefs and values and decisions. I can do my best to love well – knowing I will fall short and disappoint people. And I can commit to honesty, transparency and vulnerability.
But the truth is, not everyone wants to go have coffee with me. Not everyone is ready to risk engaging again. And I totally get that. It’s a trust thing. And I get the trust thing.
And the only way the trust thing will cease to be a barrier is through patient, consistent, integrity in living out our commitments to truly be a support and encouragement to gay people in their search for God in a non-patronizing, non-coercive manner.
And even then ….. it takes two to tango.
And I know that sometimes it is just too painful, too scary, and demanding of too much energy to tango.
I know and it is OK.
But know that you are loved. Your pain is grieved and repented for. And Jeremiah 29:11 is prayed over you: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
And if you ever come to the place where you consider having a coffee – the Chai tea is on me.
Grace and peace,
wendy
Saturday, February 14, 2009
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6 comments:
But I don't like Chai tea
Hello,
I have not engaged with "new direction" or your blog recently. You made a difference in my life for what you call a "season". With all due respect, If you set yourself up to be a teacher, a friend, a pastoral counsellor a friend of the confused and broken, or not confused and broken apparently not more then you yourself are, I believe you then are called to a higher form of respect, authenticity and dealing with your own trust issues sufficicently, before trying to care and befriend, as I personal attempted fpr help purposes on my trust issues, wanting to heal. I was injured, and left confused with mixed messages regarding trust, safe closeness and distance in my engagement with you. You have way more spiriyual maturity, education, and other deeply connected relationships I desired to learn through your example haw to be a little better then I was, and safer in this world.
I learned you are gifted in diplomacy through your words , writings and your convictions, But, you are always able and often use your fallen state like all of us, as an excuse for simply bad behaviour or the powerful emotional injuring it cost me, to risk knowing you and wanting to learn through the leadership/friendship/counselling you provided, for a season. You need to be held to higher accountability to the people you engage, rather then them (in y case being an interesting, but broken Gay person seeking your help. If your God uses you as a conduit for his love and patience as you set yourself up to "walk with" others who are in need but dont have your degree of faith in God, how do you expect the individual you engage not to have expectations of you.
You are quick to justify you can't be all things to all people, and excuse your behaviour or say God is still refining you, and while all that may be true, I think you are not as comfortable on this journey, with your own boundaries and then can fancily talk your way out of your own issues that impact the people you serve.
I can say more, and would love to challenge you, however, I would be afraid of hurting you, or being sarcastic, or watching you continue to run in your own self admitted limited fear.
Dear anonymous,
I am sorry that you are hurt and angry and that you feel I have not lived up to your expectations. If there is specific 'bad behaviour' that I have committed, I encourage you to contact me personally because I would want to try to resolve that. I think anything I might say at this point you would simply write off as me making excuses ....
I am very careful to not identify the personal connections I engage in as counselling - I'm not a counselor. But I do seek to be a friend and do my best to authentically connect with the many people who contact me.
Boundaries are challenging. It would be much easier if I was a counselor and could just say, "These are my office hours, here is your one hour session." It is much harder to try to navigate things more informally and personally.
I do think it is important, even for someone in a position like mine, to be free to be real, to not be perfect, to be honest. I would not want to be like a Ted Haggard on a pedestal. If that means people are angry and disappointed with my limitations - at least I will have been honest along the way.
Speaking only for myself: If I said I had no problems and if I said marriage was perfect and if I said I never felt tempted to look elsewhere, That would be living a lie. As it is, I am in process. That's not an excuse for any time I intentionally hurt someone in word or deed, but it might be an explanation of how I hurt people by omission or neglect and especially when I haven't yet realized that I hurt them or didn't live up to their expectations, especially when their expectations are realistic of me as another person who is less than God. Communication is key to clearing things up, and I am glad to see communication happening here. It's messy, but I believe avoidance (other than a time out to cool down) never solved anything in the long term. Re: Trust, God is the only one who never breaks trust; that's hard to get a handle on when I don't feel safe around people; and when I'm not rooted and grounded in God, then I'm very susceptible to experiencing greater wounding from those who are less than God, simply because they, like me, are not yet fully mature in Christ. Like you say, some things will never totally be fixed this side of the second coming of Christ. So we hope in a future, and in the meantime, we continue to groan with the rest of creation, and we persevere and don't give up and don't despair; as many times as I have thought about giving up, I recall that if God wanted to, He could speak the word and I would keel over and the doctors would not be able to bring me back; since He was willing to suffer for me, I'm willing to suffer for Him; like he said, the servant is not greater than the Master. Is suffering fun? Never. Is it worth it? I have to believe yes. This is not masochism. This is joining in the sufferings of Christ. To someone not yet believing, it's foolishness of course. I still don't like suffering, but I accept it as part of not having the world exist to make life easy for me. Sounds harsh...but God's love is real. HE is alive. It only takes faith the size of a mustard seed, you don't need to have a big faith; little faith in a Big God is enough. I'm still learning how not to be afraid of people's rejection or condemnation, I'm still growing in being secure in Him. Fortunately He is patient and calls us not to run, not to sit on our seats, but to walk. FWIW (for what it's worth).
Wendy, I have appreciated your transparency regarding your own limitations and your struggles in your marriage. Its not easy to be transparent on a public forum like the web. I also appreciate the challenge of trying to work in this ministry when there are so many different views and pressures and criticisms from all sides. I pray that God gives you wisdom and encouragement as you do your work. And, I am definitely up for a chai. ;)
Thanks Karen .... you are an encouragement.
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