I consider three different cords in living out the gospel with our gay neighbours.
First there is mission: reaching our gay neighbours who do not experience relationship with Jesus Christ with the good news of His love.
Second is justice: speaking out on issues of unjust treatment and the ways we fail to honour the image of God in our gay neighbours AND living out justice by treating our gay neighbours with the respect and love that is consistent with the shalom of God.
Third is ministry: doing life with our brothers and sisters in Christ who are gay, sharing mutual encouragement and accountability to grow as faithful disciples of Jesus Christ, and offering care and support in seasons of growth and healing.
When these three cords of mission, justice and ministry are intertwined, I believe our Christian response has the best chance of representing Christ in our world. If one cord or another is given undue emphasis the strength of the cord becomes compromised.
In simplistic terms, one could say that the typical evangelical response has been focused on ministry. And I would suggest that within that ministry response there has often been an undue focus on the pursuit of orientation change. One could also say that the typical liberal response has been focused on justice. Unfortunately, I have not seen a particularly robust investment in mission as I survey the Christian community’s general response to our gay neighbours.
As I look forward and prayerfully seek to chart a distinct course, I want that course to be marked by the kind of cord Ecclesiastes 4:12 describes, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Mission, justice and ministry.
Holding these three aspects of a Christian response in tension comes down to a bottom-line question for me: Will this encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ?
This means I have to risk being misunderstood – across the board. My bottom-line question is not, “How can I rally people who agree with me?” Nor is it, “What can I say that will be most strategic for fundraising?” Or, “How can I ensure that people will like me and my ministry?” It isn’t even, “How can I demonstrate the right, orthodox position?”
If I write or speak and neglect to ask myself, “Will this encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ?” then I will fail to embody the response that I believe Christ is asking of me.
I am constantly challenged, as one who holds a more conservative view of sexual ethics, by Jesus’ words in Matthew 23 ….. “They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.” I don’t want to put on heavy loads without stepping into that place of identification, sharing the load and walking together. Or his words, “But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.” I don’t want to neglect matters of justice, mercy and faithfulness. I don’t want to major in the minors and strain out a gnat. Oh Christ have mercy on us!
There has been some discussion of late of my support of covenantal friendships. I do not view a covenantal friendship as a sexless marriage. However, in our microwave, throw-away culture, I do appreciate the Biblical value of covenant expressed in friendship. Just because two people covenant to do life together, sharing a deep abiding friendship and commitment to be there for each other – does not make them like spouses. (ie. Abraham and Lot made a covenant.) Whether these two people are same-gender attracted or not, I see this as a viable option for those who are single – for whatever reason. And if such a commitment is made – between two friends or a group of friends - it seems to me to be something the Christian community can celebrate together – for it is an expression of gospel, counter-cultural living, when we say that we are going to serve another through life’s ups and downs. It is an option that might be more rare than common – but I believe it is an option that can be God-glorifying in the right circumstances.
I am very challenged by God’s word in the creation account that it was not good for a human being to be alone – something that was spoken before sin had even entered the picture. And I am also mindful of Jesus’ words that in the new heaven and new earth there will be no marriage – but there will be relationship, there will be intimacy, there will be faithfulness. How do I know that? Because our Triune God lives in intimate, faithful relationship in a reality that far exceeds our limited understandings.
Whether living alone, living with a long-time friend, living in intentional community, living with a spouse and/or other family members, each human being needs relationship, needs to know they belong, are loved, and accepted. These good gifts are essential aspects of God’s shalom.
Though a likely small percentage, there are gay men and women in our neighbourhoods. If your paradigm is, “There are no homosexual people – only heterosexual people with a homosexual problem”, then I suppose what I have written may make little sense. But if you accept the reality that there are some people, perhaps 3-5% of the population, who by no choice of their own experience a persistent orientation of attraction for their own gender, then I pray that if you are a Christ-follower you will search for liberating, God-honouring ways for our gay brothers and sisters to experience intimacy in relationship. And I pray that you will ask, “How will we reach out with mission, justice and ministry? How will we, together, experience God’s love, relationship, intimacy and faithfulness?”
I, for one, want to be open to as many options as possible – options that I pray will encourage my gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ.
Monday, March 16, 2009
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13 comments:
wendy,
There may be 3-5% who experience almost complete attraction to the same-sex, but I would contest that there are far more than 3-5% who have some level of attraction to members of there own sex but do not embrace or identify themselves as gay. Do not marginalize these people by being too willing to accept your gay neighbors, in doing so you just might be marginalizing a far larger group and causing much distress in their life
Anonymous,
I agree with you that there is likely a larger percentage of people who experience some degree of same-gender attraction. I am also well aware that there are many who do not choose to identify as gay - thus my regular use of the descriptive phrase - same-gender attraction. What I am not clear on is how my acceptance of the reality of my gay neighbours will marginalize those who do not choose to identify as gay. One can unconditionally accept one's neighbours - without necessarily agreeing with anything they believe or do - regardless of what the issues are. I accept my gay neighbours for who they are, where they are - and want to embody the love of Christ in my friendships with them. For those who are same-gender attracted, who choose to not identify as gay, I also seek to embody the love of Christ as I have opportunity to engage with them where they are at in their life.
What I do not see in the gospel is a call to only love the majority - rather, I see Jesus telling a story of a shepherd who leaves 99 sheep in the field while he goes to find the one who is lost. Whether there are 5% or 0.5% of the people in my neighbourhood who are gay - I want to reach out, befriend and serve them with the love of Christ.
My issue with this is that for year of being part of the gay subculture I kept hearing over and over again that there is no in between, it is just that some are not willing to accept that they are gay. I have now learned how untrue this is and if the gay community wants to be accepted where they are at they need to be able to accept that there are some who do not identify themselves in that way.
You say that we must accept them where they are at in there life, well I would ask the same of my gay neighbors. I have felt nothing but judgement from so many who wish to justify the life they find themselves living. I realize most of this judgement has come from a few activists who are only interested in pushing the envelop, but all the same this has truly hardened my heart to believe that they are willing to show the same acceptance as you are calling for.
My challenge is that I not pass the same judgement because I firmly believe in the teachings of Christ. I do not in any way disagree with what you are asking, I just feel I need to say there is a very deep feeling of hurt that comes from the life I once felt was all that I could have, but have now learn otherwise.
Processing our hurt of non-acceptance can be a challenging process. It may be this very experience of non-acceptance that is behind some of the responses you encountered.
I do find that there is greater acceptance of multiple options that can be chosen by those who experience same-gender attraction. Where the options can be discussed in respectful, non-patronizing, and non-coercive conversation there is, I have found, a greater likelihood of receptivity.
If those who hold a conservative Christian perspective on sexual ethics hope to be accepted by those with a differing perspectives, then I think they need to demonstrate a willingness to be respectful towards those who differ with them. This is no guarantee that you will encounter the maturity and grace of agreeing to disagree - but I have found that the conversations where there can be this kind of gracious spaciousness are more plentiful than one might think.
The issue of covenant friendships is an interesting one. I have had to process what I think about that for my own life and also friends of mine who have contemplated it. I do believe that we can covenant with each other as family. Adopt a sister so to speak. But, there is definitely a difference between someone who we incorporate into our lives as a family member--like a sister, and the feelings I might have toward another woman that are clearly romantic.
Most of the women in my situation want to have a covenant relationship with a woman they are in love with. They have definite romantic and sexual attraction to this person and vice versa. And are trying to figure out how they can have this lesbian relationship while still making it kosher to God. That is, without the sex.
Having been in lesbian relationships and knowing the intense emotional connectedness that is in a lesbian relationship, its clear that a person can have a lesbian relationship even if sex is not occurring. The gay community often complains that others reduce homosexuality to sex. They rightly assert that there is much more to a romantic relationship than sex. And, so marriage is much more than about sex. In fact, there is a saying that some lesbians are "lesbians from the neck up." That is, some lesbians strongly identify as gay, but sex with another woman is not a huge part of their lesbian experience. They obviously see being a lesbian as far beyond just the sex act.
Do you see a line between two women who are in-love and forming an essentially lesbian relationship albeit resisting sexual desires, and the kind of covenant you are describing?
I know from experience and watching others try it, that two women who are in-love who try to live a celibate partnership are going to have a very hard time resisting periodic sexual involvement (like any two people in love naturally would). And, that such relationships can be so emotionally intense that it really distracts the women from being able to focus on other things in life--like serving God and others.
If it were two women who were not in-love and genuinely only felt like sisters toward one another, and they lived and related to each other like sisters rather than as a couple, then such a covenant relationship would seem healthier. But that is not usually what an SSA woman is seeking when she asks about covenant relationships. She is usually trying to figure out how she can be with her lover in a way that will be approved by God. So all the romantic entanglements are still there, even if sex is not occurring.
Karen - I do differentiate romantic relationships from covenantal friendships (which is why I do not view them as sexless marriages).
If an individual believes that Scripture precludes them from engaging in a same-sex relationship - then I agree that this goes beyond abstinence from sexual intimacy. Rather, I see a covenantal friendship as exactly that - a friendship. I have seen this work in a few different situations: When two women who were in a lesbian relationship have a Damascus road type conversion to Christ, separate for a season, then come back together to live as companions - with a clear commitment to Christ as their first love. When roommates after many years of living together decide to intentionally commit to a long-term living arrangement including shared finances etc.
As someone who had been involved in a long-term co-dependent relationship with another woman, I well understand the concerns with boundaries of sga women who hold a conservative sexual ethic attempting to engage in a covenantal friendship. However, sga people are very diverse, have different experiences, varying levels of maturity, and therefore varying capacities for healthy intimate friendship in the context of covenant without unhealthy entanglements. When individuals are very clear on their own values, their priorities, and have the maturity to live beyond themselves in service to others - a covenantal friendship can be a good option.
Let me just add, that each sga individual Christian must wrestle through their own beliefs and values in relation to Scripture. And certainly some will understand that Scripture does not preclude romantic love between two people of the same gender. If this is their conclusion, I would not think they would explore a covenantal friendship - I would think they would look for a monogomous partner.
I have mixed feelings and thoughts about covenant relatonships. I have a lifelong friend whom I have known since pre-school. We have discussed the possibility of living together once we are older. We have no romantic feelings towards eachother. I am ex gay and she has been straight her whole life. We both adore eachother and appreciate the openess of our friendship all these years but would never consider ourselves anything other than friends. And we do beleive we have an unspoken bond. In that way I can see a covenant relationship.
I have read Alan Chambers thoughts and disagree with him. Women and men are different and our capacity for friendship with eachother as women is different. However, if this is a romantic relationship that just does not have sex then .... I do have reservations. But am willing to accept the couple, too.
Mary
You speak of "gay neighbours to fully experience the love of Christ."
Does experiencing that love include going from gay to straight?
Or, can someone be gay and still experience the love of Christ?
Hi Jason - thanks for stopping by. I'm guessing it may be your first time here.
I think God's love is for all people. We have all fallen short of the glory of God - and yet we are all invited to realize the great love God has for us.
I know some people who have experienced fluidity in their experience of sexual attractions and some who would attribute these shifts to the fruit of their relationship with Christ. However, I also know many people who have a deep and personal relationship with Christ who have not experienced any fluidity or shift in their experience of sexual attractions.
So - yes - I think you can be gay and experience the love of Christ.
Yes, I am a new reader and so far I think I like what I am reading. I agree with with you when you say that a person who is gay can still experience God and Christ's love. I know I do.
My faith is Catholic and although the Vatican has turned its back on me, I have not turned my back on them. That's not the kind of person I want to be. Although I disagree with what the pope preaches, I refuse to "change churches" (as if such a thing can happen...I mean God is God and no matter what house you go to, it's still God's house so, I see no point in changing the Catholic label.)
I've come to terms with the guilt that the church tries to impose on my by keeping in mind that there are two parts to religion.
Part 1: What God intends
Part 2: What humans think God intends
My faith is about my relationship with God and not about my relationship with people who do God's work (in this case the pope). The pope does not speak for God but rather interprets or assumes what God intentions were when He spoke.
And so, just because the church I choose to belong to is intolerant and percieves me as wrong and all the rest of the stuff that comes with it...all that does not affect my relationship with God. No one has control over that relationship safe me and God.
Keep writing....I'll keep reading.
Jason,
I'm really glad that your relationship with God seems alive and well. I'm sure we both know glbtq people who have walked away from faith and God.
I also really appreciate your insight about the church - I agree - regardless of what 'house' you go to, participating in worship is about God and He is over it all.
One of the truths about spiritual formation is that it is both individual and communal. God created us as relational beings - and as we are in relationship with both Him and other believers we grow spiritually. Sometimes, it is a lot easier to just look at it as "God and me" .... dealing with people with all of our weaknesses and foibles can be frustrating - but that is also how we grow in learning how to forgive, be gracious, patient, loving etc.
I hope that you have some good Christian community who can encourage and support you in your journey of faith.
There are churches where I live that "accept" gay people. I married my husband at the United Church with the blessing of the congregation. So, it's not like I am alone. If I choose to worship publically, there are places for me. The thing is, I choose to be loyal and faithful to the RC Church. I think those two qualities define part of who I am and so I live them. I cannot control other people's thoughts or actions. I can only control me. And the kind of person I want to be is one that is loyal and faithful. This may sound like I have a warped idea when it comes to my relationship with the church. But, I'm not in a relationship with the church...I'm in a relationship with God.
Loyalty and faithfulness are tremendous virtues - I commend you for them.
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