It seems to me that when it comes to the language surrounding people who are gay, folks can often talk past each other. The use of language is challenging. Different people can mean different things when they say exactly the same thing. And these different meanings arise from different experiences, cultures, and backgrounds. Not only that, but as a non-same-gender attracted person trying to use language in a helpful, sensitive way, my head spins sometimes when one person says to say it this way to be helpful and then another comes along and says the complete opposite. One person is offended and then another offended by what the first person suggested as an alternative. Is there a way through this linguistic mess so that we can actually hear one another without assumptions, misperceptions, and caricaturizations?
I thought I would take a stab at describing what I’m hearing …. And then invite others to weigh in with their thoughts.
The word gay: When I talk to people who use gay to identify themselves, most say that they consider gay to be descriptive of their experiences of same-gender attraction. It seems that they are not trying to make any additional statement about their beliefs and values, their sexual involvement – or lack thereof, or their political views. Given that this seems to be the common usage, you really can’t assume anything about a person’s life or lifestyle based on their use of the word gay to describe themselves. Some people who are comfortable saying, “I’m gay” hold to a very traditional understanding of Biblical sexual ethics. They may be celibate. They may be living a chaste single life. They may be seeking to be faithful within a heterosexual marriage despite their experience of same-gender attraction. Others, who use gay to describe themselves, may be in a committed same-sex partnership. They may be sexually active outside of a committed partnership. The word gay, in and of itself, actually doesn’t tell us that much about a person other than that they experience the reality of same-gender attraction.
I encounter a different understanding when I am listening to some within conservative Christian circles. To them, the word gay seems to connote a whole package deal. If someone says they’re gay in these circles it may likely be interpreted to mean:
• Sexually active with members of their own gender (and likely promiscuous)
• Lacking in sincere Christian faith
• Capitulated to and part of promoting the ‘gay agenda’ (which seems to often be assumed to mean they are trying to attack Christianity)
• Sees their entire identity as wrapped in gay subculture (which seems to often be assumed to be anti-Christian)
These descriptions are generalizations – and I am sure that many conservative Christians would say they are much more nuanced in their understandings of the word gay than these descriptions. Unfortunately, I run into these sorts of assumptions on a regular enough basis to know that they are still alive and well within church circles. I’ve had people come up to me and tell me that they are offended by my usage of the word gay in a seminar. Others have told me they are still angry that “homosexual people co-opted the word gay from its original meaning” (like that isn’t a regular occurrence with any number of words and their use). Sometimes I encounter those who don’t really want to hear any other explanations of how people who are gay understand and use the term – they want to hold onto their assumptions and offense. When we were filming Justin Lee, Executive Director of the Gay Christian Network, he shared about encountering Christians who told him that if he wasn’t sexually active he shouldn’t call himself gay. To which Justin said, “Why should I not use the word gay just because I don’t fit your stereotype of what a gay person is? Your stereotype needs to change.” Exactly.
When language is descriptive, I think we can find a way forward. When language is used to label, I think we all face feeling boxed in and misunderstood.
Christians, understandably, have concerns about how people identify themselves – especially if they are fellow believers. If a person wants to be known as a follower of Christ, then Scripture has a lot to say about what it means to be a disciple and to accept Christ as not only Saviour but Lord. Submitting to the Lordship of Christ means that we put Christ ahead of everything else – including our sexuality. In this sense, there is a legitimate call to ensure that our primary identity is connected to our relationship with Christ. Note: Our primary identity. That doesn’t mean we don’t use other words to describe parts of ourselves – things that make up our comprehensive sense of who we are.
I am a follower of Christ. I am the Beloved of God.
I am also a wife, a mother, a ministry leader, a daughter of Dutch immigrants, a member of the Christian Reformed denomination, an avid reader, a volleyball player, a home renovation TV show addict, a recovering bulimic, a contemplative, a student, a lover of people, a wanna-be writer, a Facebook wordtwist & tetris junkie…….
My identity is influenced by all these things and more. My identity is fluid – it continues to be impacted by my experiences, the ways I’m growing and still maturing.
I don’t want anyone to make assumptions about my character, my lifestyle, my decisions and choices based simply on the words I used to describe myself and the things that influence my identity. No matter how I describe myself, it will always be incomplete. I don’t want emails giving advice for recovering bulimics or ways to break TV and Facebook addiction……. If my friends want to sit me down and have an intervention that would be one thing – but I don’t want people who barely know me other than through my blog writings to presume they have the answers for my life.
Why would it be any different for the person who identifies as gay – among the many other things that describe who they are?
I don’t think that describing yourself as gay precludes you from embracing a primary identity as the Beloved of God.
There are many Christians who experience same-gender attraction who choose to move beyond gay as a descriptor they use for themselves.
There are many other Christians who experience same-gender attraction and find the use of the descriptor gay to be an expression of honesty and authenticity.
One ought not to make any other presumptions about faith, values, sexual activity, motivations, cultural engagement etc. until you sit down and get to know them, hear their story & heart, and discover through conversation and relationship the answers to those kinds of questions.
But ….. I’m not same-gender attracted. I’m not faced with the choice to identify or not identify with the description gay.
For those of you who are and those of you who do ….. what do you think?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
I personally first encountered the linguistic dilemma when speaking with ex-gay ministries and the people who staffed them. When referring to myself as "gay", I would be corrected that such a term was inappropriate for anyone wishing to change.
O.K., fine. There is power in words. As time wore on, and I would dare to ask about *behaviour*, it became apparent that "same sex attracted" did not necessarily mean celibate or abstinent (let me play Dictionary here: not having sexual and/or erotic behaviour with the same sex.)
Personally, I had not had a same sex encounter in 15 or so years -- but that really was not the major concern of said people with whom I spoke. It seemed to be more crucial to them to *identify* with being "same sex attracted" (as opposed to gay) than it was for me to be celibate for a decade and a half and call myself "gay". (At least as I perceived things.)
And speaking of words and power: I wondered if, in fact, calling oneself "same sex attracted" *did* lead to an orientation change (to heterosexual). Seemed at least partially plausible: if I refer to myself as "stupid" long enough, I will in all likelihood not do well in academics.
But, when asking for the *experiential* side of things, I saw very little evidence with the naming of what one is to derive a desire or even behavioural change.
Does it matter to God? I sensed from the ex-gay ministerial folk with whom I spoke, that yes, indeed, it did matter very much. The best that I can parse together is that what is perceived as identity by self or others is of tantamount importance and impact.
From my life and my story,
Amy
When I was typing my suggestion of using the phrasing "neighbbour who is gay" rather than "gay neighbour," I had a background thought. The thought was a memory about how people in general got sick and tired of hearing the word gay: gay rights, gay clubs, gay equality, gay marriage, gay pride, gay flag, gay agenda...it was all so overwhelming. And, yes, people sort of stopped helping out. Support for gay rights dropped.
This also makes think about the feelings of being alone I had during that time.
And because of that, I fear that by using the term "gay neighbour" rather the "neighbour who is gay" in the context of your new (and I'm sure great) video, won't be as effective. Will people say, "Oh, no. Not another gay video."
I'm also assuming that one effect you want is that people think in a different way. Well, one way to try and get that is to change the way we use words.
Everyone agrees words have alot of power.
I'm sorry if my thoughts caused you much chagrin. I feel bad about that if it's the case. But really, it's just an opinion from a total stranger. You shouldn't give me such power over you.
Hi Jason - no worries. I've been thinking about writing this post for a while and the impetus to do it this week was actually a conversation over at XGW: http://www.exgaywatch.com/wp/2009/04/open-forum-ex-gay-labels/#comments
Amy - I think you're highlighting an important point - how we walk out our identity is more significant than how we describe it.
When I posted on the whole subject of labels like "ex-gay" and "SSA" a few weeks back, it launched an unexpected firestorm of comments.
http://www.revelife.com/691178578/labeling-myself-ex-gay-struggles-with-same-sex-attraction-or-new-creation/?ref=xn#
I agree with much of what you say here, and in my circle of self-identified "guys who struggle with SSA", there is resistance to using the term "gay" simply to describe attraction to guys. But through the discussion I've come to think that resistance derives from their conservative church background. To declare themselves "gay" seems to make them think they have to be "openly gay" and that people will assume they are just accepting it and finding nothing wrong with it.
It is all very much a semantic issue, but words do have power and affect many of us in different ways.
This is a beautiful analysis of the topic, Wendy.
I personally identify as gay and tend to focus on the annotative meaning to the exclusion of the various connotative meanings you mentioned. I find most alternatives to be cumbersome and unwieldy to use. (In many ways, this goes back to my whole "economy of words" comment on your last entry.)
Also, I'd note that there are a number of words that accurately apply to me and yet have negative or unflattering connotations associated with them. If I attempted to avoid using all the words that may have negative connotations, I think I'd spend several minutes just to communicate a few seconds of information about myself.
-- Jarred.
Jeff - yes, words do have power. In some Christian circles there is a great emphasis on watching what you say because it becomes your reality. For example, when I was a teenager I said, "I was scared to death" to an older friend who was very involved in Charismatic circles. He freaked out and told me I was putting a curse on myself - which basically scared me to death. I see this impact on some people's insistence that no one should ever say they're gay - because that will make it true or more true. Another way to look at it though, is to consider how much power you are giving to other people's assumptions. One of the things that I think can be a concern for conservative Christians is that if someone says, "I'm gay" that it has a permanence to it .... that somehow it locks someone in. There is especially a sense of concern when a younger person says, "I'm gay". Even your word "declare" says something. What I'm finding is that some people, after so much angst, self-hatred and confusion just find a sense of relief in saying, "I'm gay" as an acknowledgment of the reality of same-gender attraction in their lives. We see people who say they're gay at one stage in their life choose to describe themselves differently at another stage all the time. It seems like there is an effort to prevent people the pain of the journey they travelled - but what can happen is that we actually rob people of the opportunity to find their way. We can't do it for them. We can't control things just so - so that they land where we want them to. After seven years in this area of ministry, I think the pro's outweigh the con's of just relaxing and meeting and accepting people where they are - and if they are describing themselves as gay at that stage in their life - meet them in that place - without trying to control all the future outcomes.
I would hesitate to say many people claim gay as their primary identity. It's more the case that romantic relationships are such a big part of normal life that a person's sexual orientation will be alluded to at some point.
Heterosexuals simply date, get married or talk about who they like without reference to any sexual orientation labels but if same-sex attracted people do the same thing, they will be labelled something whether they choose to use that term themselves or not.
It's also important to remember that not so long ago the only labels assigned to "homosexuals" were words like fag. "Gay" was primarily a response to this poor choice of alternatives - a word chosen by the category of people the word addresses. Even "homosexual" was assigned rather than chosen by the people it refers to.
Hmmmm. Personally, I prefer SSA. Gay connotes so many things in today's language. As well, I am not certain about the origin of sexuality and naming myself for a sexual desire seems odd. So while others are fine with being called and identified as gay, I prefer not.
Anonymous,
I completely respect your preference to use SSA to describe your reality of experiencing same-gender attraction.
Elements of your comment seem to show how people can talk past one another .....
Gay can connote things - or we can accept the common usage of the term as a descriptive term - that doesn't connote much more than SSA would.
You refer to 'naming myself for a sexual desire' but I would dare to say that many of the gay people I know don't view it that way at all - that is something that is projected on them. Most of the gay people that I know would be the first to say that they are much more than their experience of same-gender attraction - much more than their sexuality. Describing oneself as gay is different than naming oneself for a sexual desire.
There may be some people for whom identifying as gay means more than basic description - but again, I think we can only discover that through conversation and taking the time to relate to people.
My point is not that everyone who experiences same-gender attraction should use gay to describe themself - but rather to encourage people to not assume any more than a descriptive purpose should someone choose to use gay to describe themself.
I agree Wendy thinking about the word "gay" and what it denotes DOES give you a headache. I think for me I identify as a gay bear(do you know what a bear is in the gay community) Gay in the sense that I am in communion with the gay community and bear because I identify with a certain subset of the gay community. Wow..I need some tylenol! Happy Easter!!
Post a Comment